Repaired Picker? - Dating - Why would I pass THIS up?

Old 04-06-2010, 07:46 AM
  # 81 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Alizerin View Post
I'm a grateful recovering alcoholic with 2 1/2 years sobriety. I work a hard program and see only positive gains from spending time with others who work a hard program. Certainly a companion.
The next relationship I had after having my youngest daughter was with someone in the program (AA/NA). I was 3 1/2 years clean/sober at the time.

I drank again shortly after my 4th AA birthday. I was out there for two long, miserable, hellish months. I was blessed to make it back alive.

I too worked a hard program for awhile, and my sponsor of 19 years will attest to that.

However, my unaddressed codependency issues, and lack of work on self in that area was a huge contributing factor to my drinking again. I became completely lost in that relationship.

I suspect you will continue seeing this gentleman if you are half as stubborn as I was, and I sense you are.

I just hope your pain isn't half as much as mine in the end, or that you don't throw away your sobriety like I did.
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Old 04-06-2010, 08:06 AM
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My $.02:

We need to eradicate STD's and legalize gigolos.
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Old 04-06-2010, 08:32 AM
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I just wanted to let you know, I read a really cute book last night, It's called "What Smart Women Know" it's by Steven Carter. I was actually thinking about you when I read it...don't know why, maybe your posts.

I thought it was a good read for the point you are at...just cute little stories and quotes I found appropriate. It talks about how NOT to keep kissing frogs and things to watch out for when you re-enter the dating world after being in a codie relationship..... One quopte that sticks out in my mind is "Beware of the man who thinks a contenintal breakfast is a bagel and a vodka martini".....

I wish you the best with your situation. I think you have all of your guards up and you know what you want to do. Coming here looking for justification is part of our codie ways, but ultimately you are the one living your own life...None of us go to bed at night wondering what your doing....well, maybe I did last night with that book but.....

No matter what we are all here to support you, whatever decesion you make!
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Old 04-06-2010, 08:33 AM
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I will tentatively spend time with this man. Cautiously. My aim is fun. So, I just gotta keep the 'ol heart in line.
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Old 04-06-2010, 08:34 AM
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Thanks froggy! :-)
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Old 04-06-2010, 08:52 AM
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"so i wonder if this is about being READY or about being NEEDY and craving some things that have been absent from your life???"

Honestly - Probably both. Which makes it all the more trickier. Less needy, more craving I think. I'm not googlied eye'd or waiting for his phone calls. But, it would be nice to hold hands with someone while wandering through a museum this weekend.

The "needy" monster is probably alive and well in here somewhere. So, I'll keep a watch out for it's scent (or try to).
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Old 04-06-2010, 09:57 AM
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Ali, I was just telling you my story in having been involved with someone in the program. He had years + more "sober time" than I did and I wasn't a newbie. I was Mrs AA and very involved in the program.

The point I was trying to make was that you have only been out with him once....do you know that he is interested in having a relationship with... you, beyond hanging out now and again. I was just cautioning you against possibly assuming that because the other day went well and he said he would call you.

And for the record, you are correct that such situations can happen anywhere, but in my experience, they seem to happen a lot in the rooms of AA. That WAS my experience.
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Old 04-06-2010, 10:42 AM
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in the final analysis we're just human beans





Now that I read the complete thread, yes it speaks "protective figure needed"

And yes there are many ppl that live a great life and work on improving themselves without 12 steps, through other means. I personally find that partner not having to do with any AA rooms or addictions is a breath of fresh air.
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Old 04-06-2010, 11:31 AM
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"Now that I read the complete thread, yes it speaks "protective figure needed"

Now I'm just curious... why do you say that?
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Old 04-06-2010, 11:36 AM
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"The point I was trying to make was that you have only been out with him once....do you know that he is interested in having a relationship with... you, beyond hanging out now and again."

Thanks Gerry. What we seem to be missing here is that I don't even know if I want anything more to do with him than hang out! Haven't been around him "that way" really yet.
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Old 04-06-2010, 11:48 AM
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As an acoa with a long term "recovering" aa dad, I have a very different perspective.

My abusive dad has 13th stepped with many women from aa. He probably neglects to say he's not formally divorced as it gives him an out on commitment.

He talks a really good talk, but he doesn't walk the walk imo.

He has this amazing ability to bait and switch, (putting spin).

With people like him in aa, sometimes I feel like women are not safe there.

Its almost like they play a game of who can dupe the new kid into the sack.

Lying and manipulation are his nature. It certainly didn't stop when he "got his program."
(I'm not putting the program down, but just saying some will use it to their own agenda.)
Imo, he's a raging untreated codependent. The women are projects for him to "fix". I always felt sorry for his next "victim" (or "volunteer").

Are you going with your feelings or your head? Feelings are not facts. Most of the time I allowed my hormones to lead, I have regretted it.

Thanks for letting me share. Take what you like and leave the rest.
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Old 04-06-2010, 11:55 AM
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This thread has served it's purpose. Thank you everyone! :-)
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Old 04-06-2010, 12:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Alizerin View Post
This thread has served it's purpose. Thank you everyone! :-)
Has the thread served its purpose, or is it that you don't want to hear anymore?

Personally I've found some great things reading through this thread that I've tucked away in my mental filing cabinet.

It's interesting you said this after cymbal related her experience with her 13th stepping dad.

I've seen that happen many times over the years.

It happened to me at 60 days sober.

At any rate, I sincerely wish you peace of mind, a quiet heart, and a strong sense of self, of who you are. :ghug3
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Old 04-06-2010, 12:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
Has the thread served its purpose, or is it that you don't want to hear anymore?

Personally I've found some great things reading through this thread that I've tucked away in my mental filing cabinet.

It's interesting you said this after cymbal related her experience with her 13th stepping dad.

I've seen that happen many times over the years.

It happened to me at 60 days sober.

At any rate, I sincerely wish you peace of mind, a quiet heart, and a strong sense of self, of who you are. :ghug3
Being an ACOA, an A and what not - I've seen all sides of the fence. This thread about dating has taken a turn to Dating an AA member debate. I already know my stance there. I've seen it all in AA the ones who 13th step, the ones who protect women from the 13th step (your truly) and great relationships come out of AA.

I just don't need to debate that aspect of it.
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Old 04-06-2010, 12:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Alizerin View Post
This thread about dating has taken a turn to Dating an AA member debate.
I find it fascinating that a multitude of people can read a thread, and each one will view, and take from it, something different.

That's what makes each of us unique!

I didn't see where it turned into a debate on dating an AA member.

I even went back and reread this entire thread before posting this.

I saw one person openly challenging you (ie. debating) about dating someone 'program.'

I also read the rest of the posts of people sharing their own experiences about dating within the program, or other experiences.

I think things have been stirred up that you'd rather tuck away for now.

I've had that happen many times in my life.
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Old 04-06-2010, 01:01 PM
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It's been a very nice thread. Let's all wish Alizerin well and move on to other spicy topics
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