coffeedrinker

I hope all goes well for you. I think it's entirely possible that you guys will have a great ride. But the voice in my head keeps saying "every credible authority on relationships, says wait a year." I am already starting to fantasize about dating and it scares me, cuz I wanna do this thing right from here on out. But I feel like I have to keep reining myself in.

I will be interested in how things progress with you two.

Christine

Ceres

Thanks Coffee!

When I saw your name as a replyer I thought: "uh oh" ;-)

IamSaved

I am only 2 months out of my relationship with my A. I can't imagine dating anyone at this juncture. My wounds are still raw, and I would be toxic for anyone at this point.

It doesn't mean I don't want it in the future, but for now, I'm dating myself! Getting to know me better, and keeping my eyes and ears open for whatever God has in store!

Ali, I wish you the best! And if you are feeling healthy, and want to move forward, just be careful, and heed your 'gut'. We, as women, are BLESSED to have that sixth sense, or as I call it the 'creepy meter'. Guys don't have it! Listen to it and proceed with caution!
I wish you the best!

:ghug3

LaTeeDa

I can only tell you how it was for me. When I first came to realize that I was codependent, I had absolutely no idea the depth and breadth of what that meant. I didn't know at the time that my entire view of the world would come to change, and that everything I believed about myself and others would come into question. I am forever grateful that I took the painful journey deep within myself to come out on the other side. I have found an entirely new me that I never would have known existed. I hope you continue to take that journey. I think a relationship at that point for me would have been a major distraction from the work I needed to do on myself. But, that's just me.

L

stella27

Can you be more specific, LTD? I am wondering what this means exactly?

TakingCharge999

Get to know him as a friend and introduce him to trusted ones. They can also pick fishy stuff. And I dont see anything wrong with socializing and having a good time.

LaTeeDa

I'll try. I grew up believing a lot of things about myself, others, relationships, roles, and life in general that turned out not to serve me very well.

For one thing, I believed I needed a romantic partner in my life in order to be happy. That life was somehow incomplete without a "his" to my "her." Not true.

My journey in recovery has taken me places I never expected. I've reconsidered my beliefs about everything, not just relationships. Money, work, friendship, happiness, parenting, creativity, spirituality--I see all these things and much more from an entirely different perspective. I thought I had a bunch of stuff all figured out. I was so wrong.

But, I know how easy it is to fall back into old habits and patterns. I think at the two month mark, I would have happily been swept up into revolving my life around a handsome, charming man. Because at that point, I don't think my recovery was solid enough to remain focused on me. Even to this day, I constantly ask myself what my motives are in relation to my BF. Am I being honest, loving, and genuine with him? Or am I looking for validation? I am the queen of rationalization and justification. I can tell myself I'm doing the right thing and convince myself and sometimes others of it. Being brutally honest with myself is the hardest thing. And, even now, I sometimes fool myself.

L

Ceres

"I hope you continue to take that journey."

Oh yes, I won't leave this forum. They'll have to pry my keyboard out of my cold dead hands.

freefalling

I'm jealous !

stella27

I see. I think I am stuck at "needing validation" and wanting to be someone a potential love interest would love rather than minding my own business, being who I am, taking care of myself and my family.

And yet, with the slightest bit of attention from him, I float like a butterfly. What is wrong with me?!?

Ceres

Oh one more thing:

He's always been comfortable living on his own. He's independant. This is a man who will not let me put his balls in my purse.

This is good!!

LaTeeDa

One (of many) things I see differently now is this.

The universe is abundant. Love is abundant. Men are abundant.

I don't have to take what comes along for fear that nothing will ever come along again. Even if the most wonderful man in the world showed up at my door, I could say "no thanks" if the time wasn't right for me. There will be others.

When you view life from the perspective of abundance, you feel gratitude. When you view life from the perspective of scarcity, you feel fear.

L

Ceres

This is a tricky concept as I need to really look at motives:

1.) Live life, don't pass opportunities by OR
2.) Let an opportunity pass us by because of FEAR

<wish us human's weren't so complicated>

LaTeeDa

Opportunity for what? Fear of what?

Kerbcrawler

Latee dee, i dont wish to be rude or judgemental here..but..the universe is abundant..love is abundant..men are abundant...like something you can pick an choose off a supermarket shelve..this alarms me in the cosmetically..pick an choose as wanted and required needs in life...whatever happened to the natural instinct of meeting a stranger of the opposite sex and going with your natural tuition of warmth and good genuine honest feelings...regardless of the freinds you look up to,s points of view..i say be true to yourself an go with the flow...maybe you deserve too???

Ceres

Hmm...

I guess the opportunity would be to spend time with a well adjusted man. I do appreciate the opposite sex! Light companionship, bike rides, dinners, museums.

Fear of dating - Thinking I'm too sick to do it. That this fear may hurt my soul more than a man.??

NYC_Chick

I think saying you would pass this up by fear is a dangerous concept. I think that you know deep down it's too soon to be involved, but want someone to tell you it's not. I did this with my therapist a lot when I first began my Codie recovery. So, you are cautioned, then decide that you need to live life and not be scared. If that's the rationale, then move forward, but what of the mess if it's too soon? You lose time getting your life together. He gets stuck in your mess. Food for thought : ) If you are meant to be with him,he'll be there in 6 month.

LaTeeDa

Again, I can only say how it was/is for me. My natural instincts about love and men were colored by the beliefs I held, one of which was scarcity. I made choices from a place of fear and those choices harmed me.

For me, it's not about "finding" someone healthy and well-adjusted. I believe that if "I" am healthy and well-adjusted, others who enhance my life will come to me. That's what I mean by abundance, not "going shopping" for love.

L

stella27

because my history is full of not getting what I need when I rely on my intuition. My intuition is not really on-target when it comes to dating.

Thumper

I need to think about this more. This seems very powerful to me in many ways and situations. My natural state is the latter btw and I can see why that frame of reference not only got me to stay with my xah but marry him in the first place.

Hmmm. That seems to easy and to difficult all at the same time. That is a switch in thinking. I try and look at people I know that seem to have it figured out. I used to wonder 'how do they find the good ones, how do they know to steer clear of the bad fits?' but perhaps the good one's find them. Hmmm.