Getting past guilt of divorce

Old 01-31-2014, 06:50 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Southern USA
Posts: 93
I too am in a very similar situation. Currently, my AH of 18 years, is living in an apartment after I had to file a restraining order due to violence. At first, I actually felt guilty for that!

Initially, he was a high functioning A with a 6 figure income as well. Has been in and out of 4 different rehabs and 6 detox facilities. And I supported him through all of this and so did his employment. Recently he was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and things seemed to get worse. He relapsed, became abusive (physically) and eventually lost his job.

As if my children an I are not going through enough, his family has begun to blame me! Just when I started to feel good and strong about my decision, they make me feel terrible. They feel as though I should have received some kind of counseling before I threw him in jail. Really? This doesn't even make sense to me.

This is a terrible disease which affects so many. The only way I have found to help "clear my thoughts" is to look into the eyes of our children. They feel and act so much happier when he is not around. They can be loud, have friends over, and just be themselves.

Your post has really helped me realize that so many of us are going through the exact same thing. English Garden has made a comment on my post to not feel guilty for something I did not do. This really helps. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hugs!
iwanthappiness is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to iwanthappiness For This Useful Post:
unsureoffuture (02-02-2014)
Old 01-31-2014, 10:17 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
My emotional baggage
4MyBoys's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
Try to be gentle and kind with yourself. If you had heard someone ran from a burning building to save themselves you would say they were crazy, if that person was feeling guilty for not taking water from the tap to put out the building from inside the house. You had to leave to save yourself.

I left the same situation. My XAH was a very well paid highly functional A. But he smashed out the man I married with alcohol. He admitted to me he had a problem but decided not to do anything about it. Once you are away from the situation for a while you will start to see the entire situation I a new light. It is OK that you broke free to help yourself. Try to release the guilt....

4MyBoys is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to 4MyBoys For This Useful Post:
hopeful4 (01-31-2014)
Old 02-01-2014, 08:50 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Washington
Posts: 54
Wow, do they have a manual? All too familiar. 15 months after filing for divorce final hearing is coming up. AH in those 15 months has been in and out of treatment, lost driving job for getting picked up for DUI, kicked out of homes, threatened suicide multiple times, and continues to harass us. Games I no longer want to play.
Now I sent a letter asking for no contact as he has decided to "sneak" back to show the court what I am all about and keep me from taking all he has worked for. The fact that he spent all our money, the kids' college funds, etc. etc.--we had to file bankruptcy--, walked out when I filed for divorce, has made no effort to help, ...All means nothing. He can only think of revenge for "what I've done to him." Threats to me and the kids, verbal abuse---just another chapter in the book.
It was very hard to file for divorce but the best decision I ever made. Even dealing with this new threat is okay. I know it will be over soon. My Al-anon group has been awesome--go to meetings. Take care of you, it's all we can do. I figure if I'm the best me I can be then all will work out for the good.
boomtruck is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to boomtruck For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (09-24-2017)
Old 09-23-2017, 01:41 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 1

Hi I'm new here. Like all of you I have decided to end my marriage with AH of 15yrs. He is physically, emotionally and verbally abusive. In so many years I kept bearing the pain thinking things will be better.
I have been working all my life and providing him with food and shelter. Due to health issues I had to leave my job and asked him work. He did but paid me too little hlf what I earned n spend on him. He was ok to spend all the money in drinking.

After drinking he had absulty no idea what he said n did...n when I confronted him he simply denied or said doesn't remember. He called names ugly , ***** n that I'm sleeping around with men. He kpt check on me where I went all the time (which I hardly did).

Bcoz he is drinking whole night he expected me to be awake as well. Well I did n took toll over my health. Eventually one day after too much battering I decided enough ...I can't go thru this anymore. I'm separated with him now. N now he says will change n is sober since. But I gave him him too many chances.

He has no house of his own but living in mine so asked him to leave .I'm extremely guilty for doing what I'm . I can't get over it and feel should go back to him. But then I can't take those abuses anymore. Going into depression. Need help desperately.
Faru is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Faru For This Useful Post:
Eauchiche (09-23-2017), honeypig (09-23-2017), OpheliaKatz (09-23-2017)
Old 09-23-2017, 04:50 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
dandylion's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,251
I want to point out that this is a very old thread...the last entry was in 2014....

It would be best if you started a new thread of your very own....that way, you would be seen and get a lot more responses....
Look for the "new thread" button in the upper left hand part of page, just above the threads.....
dandylion is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to dandylion For This Useful Post:
FeelingGreat (09-23-2017), honeypig (09-23-2017)
Old 09-23-2017, 06:22 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
SparkleKitty's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,414
Faru, welcome to the site. I'm glad you're here, but sorry you had to come looking.

You *can* get over this, but it will take time, and distance for you to get a good perspective on your situation. When you do, you will see and be sure in your heart that the things he will have to deal with are the consequences of his own poor choices and inability to deal with his issues. You will know for certain that all you would do by returning to him is delay the inevitable reckoning he will have to face.

You deserve so much better than you get when you are enmeshed with someone in active addiction.

I hope you stick around, keep reading, and keep posting.
SparkleKitty is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to SparkleKitty For This Useful Post:
dandylion (09-24-2017), honeypig (09-23-2017)
Old 09-23-2017, 10:38 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 507
This is an old thread but it has been very helpful for me- because I am struggling with guilt and trying to put it aside and live a better life.
qtpi is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to qtpi For This Useful Post:
dandylion (09-24-2017), honeypig (09-24-2017)
Old 09-24-2017, 10:13 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
Becki67's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 134
This ring true for me, too. I'm going to be moving out in the next week. I've let him believe that I may change my mind, but I'm not.

He's doing all of the things described above....not drinking, doing what he needs to be doing, and being nice and supportive. BUT, we've been through this before and I know that he'll be drinking again in the next few weeks. I know it!

I'm going forward with leaving. It's up to him to do what's right for him or not. Nothing I can do or say will change him. Only he can.
Becki67 is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Becki67 For This Useful Post:
dandylion (09-24-2017), honeypig (09-24-2017), qtpi (09-24-2017), SparkleKitty (09-24-2017)
Old 03-18-2018, 08:09 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 1
I've never done this before

I was with my AH for a total of 9 years.we have no children. He left yesterday. Hes moving back to California from here in Ohio and I'm not being dramatic when I say I will probably never see him in person ever again.
Within those 9 years there were 2 tries in a rehab center and 2 very broken hearts.
I wish I could say that watching him walk out the door was one of the most relieving moments of my life. That the thought of not dealing with any more of his stumbling around the house or incoherent babbling was an ease on my soul. I wish I could say that the freedom of being released from his mood swings, rantings, irrational behavior and above all LIES was everything I had ever dreamed it would be after I had cried myself to sleep after some awful argument. I wish I could say the 2 years of sleeping in separate rooms and lovijng like roommates before the divorce made it feel less... personal I guess. I wish I could tell you I feel like I'm finally my own person and in control of my own life...maybe I do a little.
But above all I wish I could tell you I'm not lying here confused, hurt, heartbroken, sad, lonely, guilt ridden and above all else missing his stupid handsome face.
I know one day the light won't hurt my eyes but just coming out of the darkness it's just so bright. What's wrong with me? For years I've known leaving him was the best choice, I've been mentally preparing for this for why am I such a mess?
Why does the thought of not taking care of a full grown, literally drooling sometimes, man child give me anxiety?
I'm free! I came out the other side alive. I got everything I wanted. He's gone. So why does it hurt so bad?
Shouldn't I be celebrating that all of his BS isn't my problem anymore?
Someone please tell me I'm not alone. Someone tell me I'm not crazy... Someone tell me it's normal and it'll pass. Please..

Last edited by PurplePanda2018; 03-18-2018 at 08:12 PM. Reason: Spelling
PurplePanda2018 is offline  
Old 03-18-2018, 08:49 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 124
I am in the middle of my divorce. My final straw was when he came downstairs drunk at 8am and called me names in front of the housekeeper. I still gave him a chance to clean his act but then I found him drinking from a
Bottle of vodka in his closet. As pathetic as I felt for him , I knew I could not keep living like that for himself. Fast forward 1 year -
He resents me for abandoning him, resents me for callingcops on him when he once broke down a door to my bedroom . He never contacted me or begged for forgiveness which was a clear indication that he had chosen his path. Since I filed for divorce , in the past 4 months, he has spent close to $50,000 dollars on expensive food, expensive vacations and expensive alcohol. He has maxed out his credit cards and spent all his income.
He initially tried saying that I was making up his alcoholism and abuse but I had a recording of him being drunk which I had hoped to send to his boss if ever needed to get him some help if the situation arises , but I had to use it during divorce . He then turned around and said that I was using him for money during our marriage and I used his alcoholism against him. Victim mentality anyone ? I am lucky that I have a stable career of my own and I wasn't banking on his income even though he had manipulated me into a financial bind till recently and got me to be financially dependent on him. Little did I know that his love for fancy cars was costing us 100k in debt. He did not want to share any financial information from "his" money with me.

Anyway, my point is that they know how to manipulate and will find ways to keep their enablers around. Wether it be by begging or pleading or by playing mind games.
Do what is best for you. Take care of yourself. It is emotionally tough to detach. I get it. I am still stuck in it but some days I thank god for the decision I made. Do I feel guilty for leaving him behind? Absolutely . But it's his fight. He wasn't willing to fight it and I could not fight it for him. Letting go of me was easier than letting go of alcohol at this point for him.
Raindrops is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:11 AM.