PurplePanda2018

I was with my AH for a total of 9 years.we have no children. He left yesterday. Hes moving back to California from here in Ohio and I'm not being dramatic when I say I will probably never see him in person ever again.
Within those 9 years there were 2 tries in a rehab center and 2 very broken hearts.
I wish I could say that watching him walk out the door was one of the most relieving moments of my life. That the thought of not dealing with any more of his stumbling around the house or incoherent babbling was an ease on my soul. I wish I could say that the freedom of being released from his mood swings, rantings, irrational behavior and above all LIES was everything I had ever dreamed it would be after I had cried myself to sleep after some awful argument. I wish I could say the 2 years of sleeping in separate rooms and lovijng like roommates before the divorce made it feel less... personal I guess. I wish I could tell you I feel like I'm finally my own person and in control of my own life...maybe I do a little.
But above all I wish I could tell you I'm not lying here confused, hurt, heartbroken, sad, lonely, guilt ridden and above all else missing his stupid handsome face.
I know one day the light won't hurt my eyes but just coming out of the darkness it's just so bright. What's wrong with me? For years I've known leaving him was the best choice, I've been mentally preparing for this for years...so why am I such a mess?
Why does the thought of not taking care of a full grown, literally drooling sometimes, man child give me anxiety?
I'm free! I came out the other side alive. I got everything I wanted. He's gone. So why does it hurt so bad?
Shouldn't I be celebrating that all of his BS isn't my problem anymore?
Someone please tell me I'm not alone. Someone tell me I'm not crazy... Someone tell me it's normal and it'll pass. Please..