Kmarko

I've been married 16 years and the girls are 13 and 9. How about yourself? So your husband doesn't acknowledge there's an issue at all? I'm trying to decide if that makes it better or worse...

ANEWAUGUST

Alot of great sharing of experience, strength and hope here. A very thoughT provoking thread.

I do have a question though, what prompted you at this point in time to seek out a recovery board? Was there an incident, has the drinking escalated, etc...what brought you here, now?

Kmarko

Thanks for the kind words, I appreciate it. That's a good question.....there hasn't been a single issue, no. And I've poked around online before. To a certain extent it might have just been the luck of finding the site and reading (I registered once I found it--haven't been lurking or anything. Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

I've got to go for a bit, but here's a possibly minor question for everyone that I've thought about. Generally speaking, I've essentially stopped drinking anything, with the thinking that having even a single drink might seem either hypocritical or counterproductive. I've never had a problem personally w/alcohol, btw.

Question is, is that a good idea, or an important one? The other night, there's a football game on, I put the kids to bed, I think, "well, this not drinking thing on my part isn't helping anyway!" so it occurs to me I should have a beer. I don't though. Anyway, trivial point in the scheme of things, wondering what others think.

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

I am starting to figure out that it does not matter if they acknwoledge there is an issue or not. The bottom line is if they do not get help they will continue down this self destructive path and we need to decide if we want to be dragged down it with them.

It is a very tough situation to be in, keep posting it helps!

stella27

I stopped drinking because I knew that someone needed to have all their wits about them for the kids' sake, and I couldn't count on it being him. I also wanted my mind clear so that I could accurately see and process the events and dynamics in our home. Also to keep my emotions in check so that I wouldn't be tempted to get into it with him.

And because, somehow, alcohol had lost the appeal it once held for me.

Adragonfly

I've pretty much quit drinking anything at home. I love a glass of wine, and an occasional mixed drink, but feel like a hypocrite if I'm sipping a glass of wine, while annoyed, watching him be passed out in his recliner.

If we go Out, i always have to be the driver, so that negates me being able to drink at all.

Forever4you

I drank around the A. I didn't drink around the A. I hid the liquor, removed the liquor, left the liquor in plain site. I went to places where alcohol was served. I went to places where alcohol wasn't served. I wore a red shirt. I wore a green shirt. I had long hair. I cut my long hair. And guess what??? NONE OF IT MADE ANY DIFFERENCE! My A still drank.

Kmarko I am sure you have already learned that alcoholism is a progressive disease. I am one of the posters who yesterday encouraged you to learn all about the disease and all about the treatment options. I suspect you sought out this forum and are seeking information because your wife is progressing with the disease but has not yet reached what will come if no treatment is sought. So again I encourage you to educate yourself as much as possible. The horrible progression of this disease WILL bring you to a point far greater than where you are now.

At one time during the progression of my husband's disease I wasn't convinced about this whole Alanon thing. I wasn't convinced I was enabling. I wasn't convinced that looking after myself had any value. I wasn't convinced of anything other than that my husband was an alcoholic and it was a growing problem for myself and my children.

Then his diseased progressed. Prepare yourself as best you can now for what is coming, because it is coming. I wish you the best.

ANEWAUGUST

Forever4you...darn, I used to tell my hubby I drank because he wore a read shirt., hahaha (sorry, couldn't resist). You are EXACTLY right though, for me none of that
made a difference..that was what my spouse did.

My spouse still drinks., several of our friends do. While this doesn't start any cravings for me...I do have a hard time being around drunks for any length of time. Social drinking,
no problem. Drunks, slurring and repetitious tend to make me prickly, and mess with my serenity.

If you wife/spouse were to quit, you might abstain for awhile, and have alcohol out of the house at first to see how or if it even impacts their recovery.

Alcohol is everywhere...it is my choice wether I drink it or not..

Adragonfly

Not trying to hijack the thread....but

Does the alcoholic always get worse? Does the disease ALWAYS progress unless treated?

Progress to what? Surely every alcoholic doesn't end up a non-productive slobering drunk all the time? or does he/she?

Cowgirl1265

What people here have been trying to tell you, because this is what we have lived, is that the first step really is the key. "I can't control others."

Words don't work very well. Neither do:

tears
threats
fights
threatening to leave
threatening not to leave
screaming
withholding sex
withholding affection
counting bottles
searching for bottles
confronting the alcoholic with evidence
bankruptcy
violence
getting family members involved
providing proof to the alcoholic of something they did while drunk
videotaping or audiotaping the alcoholic to play the tape back to them when they're sober
following the alcoholic
calling the alcoholic's friends
reading the alcoholic's emails
reading the alcoholic's texts
setting doctor's appointments for the alcoholic
making the reluctant alcoholic go to detox/rehab/aa
ultimatums: I will leave if you don't go to rehab/quit drinking/get help/etc
there are more but i'm done typing this list

Every person here has tried all of these or some of these at least once and probably several times in trying to get their alcoholic to quit drinking. Alcoholics don't quit drinking because you want them to.

In similar fashion, I can't "make" you accept that step one of the 12 steps is the right place to start. All I can do is tell you its working for me when nothing else did.


THIS IS SAY IN THE UTMOST KINDNESS: if you want to continue trying to control your alcoholic, that is of course your choice. And you can keep coming here for all the support you want to find and you will always receive it. From my personal experience, I will be very surprised if you ever find a formula of controlling another person's behavior that actually works and doesn't make you crazy in the process.

Cowgirl1265

Sorry, Give, I posted my last response before I read this. I will respect this and let this thread rest.

megan09

Have you ever been to an active alcoholic's 80th birthday party Adragonfly? The outcomes of alcoholism are jails, institutions or death. Or recovery. Written with love.

hps

"is anyone else struck by the contradiction between the idea that nothing you does matters regarding the alcoholic (they have to help themselves) and all the discussion of enabling? Seems like a contradiction to me."

As noted by wifeofadrinker, this is about two separate subjects.

An active alcoholic is happy to have a discussion on how to make their drinking more comfortable, how to patch up the consequences of their drinking, and the like. This is the enabling topic.

Then there is the discussion about not drinking, due to all the consequences et al. This topic is not really up for discussion.

What can happen, sometimes, is that the alcoholic has had enough of the drinking. Maybe due to the consequences (e.g. divorce, jail, unemployment), maybe just ground down by the alcoholic lifestyle. So, there is a possibility that "not enabling" may result in sobriety. However, for me at least, there was a several year lag between knowing I was in trouble with my drinking and getting sober.

Kmarko

No surprise about losing appeal, that's for sure. I think my feelings are similar to yours on this point.

Kmarko

Thanks for the post. Let me ask you--you say "none of it made any difference" and then say "I wasn't convinved I was enabling." Do you see any contradiction there? It's a point I'm still thinking about.

Kmarko

Good points all (and again, whether I drink or not doesn't matter much to me, so it's not a huge point.) But I do see your point about if she's trying to stop it would be strange for me to be drinking then.

Kmarko

Hijack away! I think it's a good point to raise, and I'm surprised nobody answered. The answer, I would think, is that there is are millions of people who have had issues with alcohol and they're all different.

Kmarko

Thanks for the post--I certainly hear the point that the alcoholic doesn't stop unless they want to here. And I'm glad the 12 steps are working for you, that's great.

On your last point, I'm not trying to "control" anyone, just being in a position to help if I can.

Kmarko

I don't she wanted the thread to stop, she was just picking up some contentiousness she wanted to stop. (I think!)

Kmarko

Hmmm. Well, you have those who are drinking too much, and at a certain point are not, which I have seen. I suppose we would say "they weren't really alcoholic," but they sure seemed like it when they were drinking.