A Couple of Questions....
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Originally Posted by Kmarko 
Well, I think there's a pretty clear distinction there. If the movie was actually KILLING that person, I might try to warn them off of it. (Granted, some movies seem to hurt your brain, but that's a different story.) Thanks for the post--glad you're benefiting from reading.
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Originally Posted by GiveLove
I agree in theory, LTD. But when children are involved and when their lives are being jeopardized by living with (and perhaps spending a good deal of time alone with) an active alcoholic, then "focus on yourself" isn't enough. Detachment isn't going to stop a house fire or a drunken traffic accident from killing them. I believe strongly in detachment - but I would never leave my children in the care of an active alcoholic, which sounds like the case in Kmarko's situation.
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
Just guessing, but I bet you have already tried to "warn her off of it." Probably many times. Am I right? Now what?
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But to your point, correct--words don't seem to work very well, that's for sure.
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
Good points. But, I know as long as I was totally focused on changing the alcoholic, and living in deep denial, I could not see that my children were in danger. I had to lift the scales from my eyes before I could see the harsh reality that my life had become.
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The scales were never lifted from my parents' eyes, and I should have died a dozen times before I hit puberty. We won't talk about the hellish early adulthood I suffered as a result of life being modeled for me by drunken, out-of-control mother, or the disgust I felt for my father for so long for not taking steps to protect me.
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Originally Posted by GiveLove
I agree in theory, LTD. But when children are involved and when their lives are being jeopardized by living with (and perhaps spending a good deal of time alone with) an active alcoholic, then "focus on yourself" isn't enough. Detachment isn't going to stop a house fire or a drunken traffic accident from killing them. I believe strongly in detachment - but I would never leave my children in the care of an active alcoholic, which sounds like the case in Kmarko's situation.
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Originally Posted by Kmarko
After all, what does "live your life the way you want to live it" actually mean, if you're talking about unpleasantness with an alcoholic spouse and NOT talking about leaving.
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Originally Posted by Kmarko
Correct. I could begin the lengthy/costly process of leaving with the kids, but at this point my feeling is that would be more damaging than what's occurring now.
Really?
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
More damaging than growing up with an alcoholic as a role model? More damaging than riding in a vehicle with a drunk driver?
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
Ah, there you have it. When you discover the answer to this question, then you will understand what we have all been trying to say.
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Originally Posted by nodaybut2day
Agreed...talk to Adult Children of Alcoholics and see what their take on this would be. My guess is that many would prefer separated, sane/healthy parents, than horribly unhappy ones that stayed together "for the children's sake".
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Originally Posted by Kmarko
Please don't take this the wrong way, as I appreciate you posting. But there's a hollow glibness to much of what you're writing that renders much of it utterly worthless.
Please don't take this the wrong way, but I truly hope you 'get it' before too much damage is done to your children. Sad is what it is, just sad......
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
How could I possibly take that the wrong way, lol?
Please don't take this the wrong way, but I truly hope you 'get it' before too much damage is done to your children. Sad is what it is, just sad......
Please don't take this the wrong way, but I truly hope you 'get it' before too much damage is done to your children. Sad is what it is, just sad......
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I think that's what most people on this board are giving you. What worked for them. Are you here because your approach is working for you? Or are you looking to find out what has worked for others?
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
I think that's what most people on this board are giving you. What worked for them. Are you here because your approach is working for you? Or are you looking to find out what has worked for others?
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Probably a good time to end this discussion, then. I sense it's about to descend into the bickering-and-criticism zones, and I'd hate for that to happen. Not good for SR nor for the posters.
So. Let's step back and take a deep breath, all, walk away from this thread for a while, and try to think the best of each other.
So. Let's step back and take a deep breath, all, walk away from this thread for a while, and try to think the best of each other.
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Originally Posted by GiveLove
Probably a good time to end this discussion, then. I sense it's about to descend into the bickering-and-criticism zones, and I'd hate for that to happen. Not good for SR nor for the posters.
So. Let's step back and take a deep breath, all, walk away from this thread for a while, and try to think the best of each other.
So. Let's step back and take a deep breath, all, walk away from this thread for a while, and try to think the best of each other.
I for one have tried to be appreciative of all posters, while at the same time getting the sort of specificity in responses that are actually beneficial. Which is why I didn't want the conversation to bog down in abstractions such as "focusing on yourself."
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[QUOTE=stella27;2480585]
I actually said that to my Husband last spring, when he asked why I was always on his back about drinking. I said "Well, I would like to think that if you saw me on a collision course, that you would take steps to stop me."
My motives were good, but my mistake was in thinking that he WANTED the warning. It actually just turned him off to me that much more. He likes the collision course. It fulfills something in him that I cannot understand. Yeah, it's fun, isn't it? Are you still together?
Update--saw in another post that was one of the acronyms I was learning (soon to be ex...) Hope things are working out for you, thanks again for responding.
Originally Posted by Kmarko
I actually said that to my Husband last spring, when he asked why I was always on his back about drinking. I said "Well, I would like to think that if you saw me on a collision course, that you would take steps to stop me."
My motives were good, but my mistake was in thinking that he WANTED the warning. It actually just turned him off to me that much more. He likes the collision course. It fulfills something in him that I cannot understand.
Update--saw in another post that was one of the acronyms I was learning (soon to be ex...) Hope things are working out for you, thanks again for responding.
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Originally Posted by Kmarko
And thank you for the kind words, and thanks for posting. It sounds like we're in similar places. Thinking about some of the posts from yesterday, it does still strike me as a contradiction:
It's not you, it's the alcoholic, they only change if they want vs. the entire concept of enabling and the issues that go with it.
I think, upon reflection, the one action that it seems to come down to is leaving or not--that seems to be the one thing people acknowledge can affect a change. Whether that's really the only thing is unclear to me, at this point.
It's not you, it's the alcoholic, they only change if they want vs. the entire concept of enabling and the issues that go with it.
I think, upon reflection, the one action that it seems to come down to is leaving or not--that seems to be the one thing people acknowledge can affect a change. Whether that's really the only thing is unclear to me, at this point.
We've been married forever, three sons. I don't want to enable and make the drinking worse, but walking away seems so much like giving up, and I don't do that easily. If nothing I do causes him to drink or stop drinking...then I have to make my decisions on the people I love, the husband, the kids, myself.
Leaving is an option I choose not to do right now. Although I will say I've debated it at length with myself lately!!! Staying isn't easy. I know he isn't interested in getting help, or even admitting he has a problem.
I wish I had the optimism to look into rehab programs, and be ready with them in case he should come and ask one day. I don't.
May I ask how long you've been married...how old are the kids?
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