bookwyrm

(((kia)))

First things first honey, take care of YOU. Is there one little thing you can do for you that will make you feel a little better? Is there anyone you can talk to about this face to face? Family? Close friend?

Trying to work out the reasons behind an alcoholic's actions can drive you insane. He does what he does because he is who he is. You can't control him, you can't cure him (and you didn't cause him to drink in the first place!). So what do you want to do now? Can you accept him for who he is right now? Can you find some peace with this situation? What would make you happy - bearing in mind that you only have control over you? How are you doing with Co Dependant No More? Did you get to an AlAnon meeting yet?

I wish there was a way I could make the pain I hear in your post go away - I'd love to be able to do it for everyone who comes here and I know it's very codie of me! Have a virtual hug instead. (((hugs)))

Tally

Kia, you know, his treatment of you is nothing personal. I say this honestly and not as a derogitory remark but you could be ANYONE and he would act the same way because he is an addict.

You could be the most perfect person ever...think of some people you think have a perfect personality, a perfect face, an amazing body, immense intellect....all those people rolled up into one gorgeous package? You could be THAT person and he would STILL behave the way he behaves.

His priority is alcohol...not you. That's just the way it is because he is addicted to alcohol.

It's not YOUR fault he treats you the way he treats you. It is in a way because you let him, but what I mean is he isn't treating you this way because you are you, he would do it with anyone who let him.

You don't have the power to change him. I think we'd all love to think that we're that special someone and that if he loved us enough he would stop, treat us the way we want to be treated, the way we deserve but it really doesn't work like that.

I need to link you to a post an alcoholic made about being an addict called "What addicts do" but I can't find it. Will go look again now.

Don't blame yourself...don't try to understand it because you can't. You're not an addict.

Have you read this?

kia

yeh i did read about ha1f of it its a1ong post and he ta1ks when im trying to read so u dont rea11y get much of it read we11 hes come with a new one now to avoid sex is this unsua1 by the way and a1caho1ic avoiding sex instead of wanting it more seems it is to me anyhow went to bed at around 11 he says it was 1145 fe11 as1eep woke at 1 he sti11 wasnt in bed asked why he said youve not been in bed 1ong so went back to bed fe11 as1eep again woke at 245 sti11 not in bed (nowt new there then the mirac1e is if he comes at a11) went through again to see if he had fe11 as1eep said had been working a1though had never mentioned this when i went to bed had said he wou1d be though short1y so asked if he was coming ca1m1y as having a go usua11y means a nite on my own again he said soon im just winding down this is 3 in the morning then says cos weve not had sex for weeks and he says we wont be doing for a whi1e either and i said why and he said im i11 what with i say and he says impatient1y ive got a yeast infection had it a whi1e and i said ermmm how 1ong have u had this he says 4-5 days i say u never said anything (despite is having an in depth discussion about sex two nites ago ) he said we11 i dont 1ike ta1king about these things so instead he wants his gf to think hes making woopy with every woman in the p1ace when im not here even said think your avoiding me which he denied of course then he said dont u be1ive me angri1y and i said ermmm and he said i can show u and i said ( prob as he thought i might) no that wont be necessary u can hard1y make that up can u.

So now im sitting here thinking how on earth has he got a yeast infection that ive seen no sign of him having not seen him intching or in discomfort nothing ive had thrush and its agony so this has got to be a 1ie another one.Anyhow he came to bed at about 530 and i said u can give me a cudd1e u know and he said im thinking and wou1dnt even come over to my side of the bed so im expecting to be to1d to go away today after a11 its making him face up to his drinking that wonder a1so if he wi11 have no memory of having this yeast infection cos thats not unusua1 either cos on1y other day he said something comp1ete1y opposite to what he had said on1y weeks ago.

Do have to agree with u though missus in that im enab1ing him to do this to me and that it seems to be same symptoms with them a11 dont know how many times hes to1d me to f***** off cou1dnt count on one hand and bookwrym and dont know what im gonna do my heads a mess i never thought i wou1d be this sort of woman but i am as for peace i have none when hes drinking what wou1d make me happy is a sober bf but im beginning to think thats never gonna happen and i think im going insane yes trying to work it a11 out and the book im gonna read abit more of now as since he began drinking again ive not been ab1e to read a word of it and i do think a1ready he fee1s his drinking is been threatened by the book as hes caught me crying a few times and seemed to think the book was responsib1e nowt to do with him then eh xxkia

bookwyrm

Kia, here's the link TheMissus was talking about.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html

Live

Kia, are you waiting for things to get better in this relationship, hoping it will? I recall reading last night that you felt you had invested so much in it, that it was hard to write that off...will you feel better if you invest another year feeling this way and doing this?

kia

think thats it just keep hoping it wi11 get better and its not doing getting worse if anything cos know im not even sure if hes s1eeping with someone e1se suppose bottom 1ine scared to be a1one again and admit defeat with this a1though i know thats were im headed un1ess theres some sma11 mirac1e and he sudden1y acts out of the character of an a1caho1ic but dare say im not the on1y woman to want that xxkia

Tally

Love shouldn't be a one sided battle. There's no shame in admitting defeat. A relationship takes two people to invest in it and make it work.

Of course he feels threatened by the book. Mine was threatened too, especially by this forum. It took away his enabler you see. With you around it's easier for him to drink. You're there to provide the cash for the booze and if you complain about it or his drinking then you become the reason for him to have a drink too. He's in a win win situation, it's only you who loses out.

kia

i havent actua11y to1d him about this site as yet he wasnt happy about the book but i managed to make him think it was for me cos its not obvious from the cover what its for but i dont want that particu1ar argument about this site cos he wi11 use it as excuse for every sing1e prob1em.

The detaching bit im starting to do now for me cos not on1y have i got the AH ive got gamb1ing brother and another guy who fancies me but is seeing two different other women at the same time and 1ate1y ive fe1t his prob1ems have become mine so now im gonna detach from them a11 they know my opinion they have to make their own decisions im gonna concentrate on me now i 1eave to go back home tomorrow now do i te11 the AH if he tries the suicide thing that i wi11 ca11 the paramedics or just do it if and when he tries this oh hes detoxing again due to having no money to buy more booze but hes supposed to get paid today so i wi11 make sure i get my money back off him that he owes he wi11 prob say your gonna 1eave me with no money again ermmm no hes done that to himse1f xxkia

Live

I don't see any reason to tell him about this site at all. You are entitled to your privacy.
Al-anon could be a "lifesaver" for you, and yes, you just show up. You don't need to say anything at all, if you don't want. Just listen. Whatever you are comfortable with. You will meet people there and won't feel so alone.

kia

hi he chucked me out yesterday we11 asked me to 1eave so basica11y i went didnt argue much with him just said u sure u want me to go even though i might get stranded due to the weather here he knew i didnt want to trave1 in it.
It started rea11y when he got up was in a mood from the off heard me chatting to brother on phone saying weather was gonna stop me coming back and wou1d be prob weekend before i cou1d soon as i put phone down he said u know the grrrr the trains are running so i said yes they say they are but can be changed at moments notice and didnt want to chance it so he said grrrrr but never said anything more so i was nervous then knew he wanted me gone so 1eft it at that got bath then said shou1d i take the deccies down or do u want to he1p me apparent1y "we" had a conversation about 1eaving them up a11 year "did we " no way wou1d i have agreed to that so he said do what u want so i thought ok then so took em down on my own then said 1ook whats up theres an atmosphere in here u can cut with a knife he said i dont think this is working out for me i want u to go.
So then i said errrr what he repeated it so i said u sure u want me to go in this he said yes so i said fine but was shaking when i did it pakced my stuff of course the f1at is fu11 of my things cou1dnt take it a11 and ive got stuff on order been de1ivered there i thought i wou1d be there when it was then phoned brother in room with him and said been chucked out coming back now brother was wtf not again u cant keep doing this u know so he was on standby in case got stuck which didnt was ok just was very s1ippy and had to have some guy he1p me with the case.
We11 got home ok he phoned me 3 times before i made it home didnt answer it then 4 more once i was home first one quite nasty then more apo1ogetic but sti11 insisting i wa1ked out he didnt chuck me out that he sti11 1oved me so much so that i phoned him i know bad idea how many times have i seen others doing that and thought noooo dont but anyhow not so easy when its u he said u wa1ked out i never chucked u out same o1d 1ine its never him is it a1ways my fau1t he said u shou1d have stayed ta1k it out and what wou1d have happened was he wou1d have ta1ked over me and i wou1d have ended up saying sorry again but now im sitting here in tears not wanting to carry on i 1ove him and i just cant go on without him dont know what to do now

bookwyrm

Have you had enough yet? You know you deserve so much better than this, don't you? Take this as a chance to work on you. Get to Al Anon, read some books, work out how you want to live your life. Going No Contact with him will help you think more clearly. What you describe isn't love, it's addiction and your BF is your drug of choice. Why do you keep going back to be treated to the same abuse time and again? What are you getting out of this?

When things came to a crunch with STBXAH, my mental mantra was 'nothing changes if nothing changes'. It helped me take small steps to change how I lived. Doing the same things as I did before just got me hurt. I desperately needed to change. I was the only person I had any control over and I was the only person who could/would look after me. It felt strange, putting myself first - I felt really selfish. But it isn't selfish to make sure you're taken care of first before trying to help anyone else. No one was going to come to my 'rescue'. This is something I had to do on my own - with a little support from this forum, friends, family and my counsellor. Its a lot of work but so worth it.

Please, take care of you!

kia

so why does it fee1 so bad i just fee1 1ike crying a11 the time i was angry yesterday now i just fee1 so weepy i want to go out but cant as weather rea11y bad atm ice everywhere making me fee1 worse been in the house too much time on my hands and it was on1y one ca11 i made went to bed 1eft phone downstairs this is so hard though i know im gonna strugg1e with this

bookwyrm

You can do this. It will get easier. Try and find something to do - even if it is just clearing the path or building snowmen! :ghug3

kia

to make matters worse got a brother who has serious gamb1ing prob1em so just to1d him he needs to sort it i cannot do it for him that i need to concentrate on me right now its just we11 got a bone prob1ems and cant afford a s1ip wou1d mean broken bones its one of reasons didnt wanna go yesterday he knew this yet sti11 1et me go out in it and risk broken bones is that 1ove

bookwyrm

But sweetie, you 'let' you go out in it! Is that love?

kia

i obvious1y havent had enough yet cos i decieded to put myse1f back on1ine on msn and immediate1y i did a good friend said hes been te11ing me u sent the abusive text messages to his ex the threats to ki11 i was 1ike ermmm no i didnt wasnt even at his f1at when they were sent and cou1d prove it as had the saved messages there as did she as was ta1king to her then too so i said i wasnt there he says u sto1e my phone im 1ike ermm u mean the one that never 1eaves your side for more than 5 mins u think i sto1e it for 4 days and then put it back and u never even noticed assss ifffff idiots isnt he and me for going on1ine but wasnt gonna put up with him bad mouthing me i think in his booze add1ed brain he think i was there and sent then when he was in bed etc suited his p1ans to think that now ive thrown that p1an out the window he sent them no one e1se was invo1ved and im beginning to think the previous ones he denied sending were him to he 1ied to my face i think but i have a way of finding out for sure gonna make a ca11 tonite to confirm what i think i a1ready know and i know what your a11 thinking 1et it go but maybe in a way its my way of 1etting go maybe it wi11 make 1etting go easier i dont know apparent1y he b1ew up his puter 1ast night so has gone out and bought a brand new one so that wi11 be a11 his money a11 but gone now so guess who hes gonna come running back to for money u guessed his good o1d enab1er we11 not this time i wa1ked out once as hard as that was i can do it again going back to fetch stuff and then c1osure not going for about a week yet anyhow he said what u did as we11 that i wa1ked out my choice he didnt make me ohh he did his face was saying get out from moment he got up its why i got bathed quick cos knew i wou1d be going fast i was scared what he wou1d do not hit but as bad though from his face

Live

try learning to sit with your feelings and thoughts and not acting on them compulsively.
It's difficult...I had to come here and do a no contact count, same as counting days of sobriety. The accountability and my pride helped so much.

kia

it is so hard not contacting him i can do it angry but then i ca1m down and miss him and want to ta1k to him so much its a11 i can think of

kia

we11 i think its fina11y over spent 4 hours 1ast night trying to convince him i didnt send any text messages and i didnt wa1k out he asked me to go have even 1ate 1ast night found a voice mai1 of him saying he kicked me out so there u have it ive got to accept this is over now his paranoia has gone beyond any boundaries i cou1d have set its got wings even after i went to bed at 130 there was sti11 another one saying why did i do it and he wondered why i kept 1ooking at his phone 1et u in on 1itt1 secret i did keep 1ooking at it 1ack of trust on my part i11 admit it figgered if he wasnt s1eeping with me who was he and he to1d me himse1f he had 1oads of ca11s and texts and not off me i hasten to add even though he said they were so yeh wrong 1ooking though it prob stems back to the ex hubby that one he 1ied to me too but i didnt send these texts as i to1d him 100s of times am i feeding the addiction doing that i dont know anyhow i do have to make another visit co11ect things wou1d 1et brother do it but its a 5 hours drive there and another 5 back and brother aint the best driver and hes threatened to burn my mums stuff so i have to get it back is bad enough 1osing him cant 1ose that stuff too my mum died when i was 13 and that stuff means the wor1d to me maybe wrong to take it there but we11 easy to be wise after the fact and i dont know anyone there who cou1d get it for me a1ot to ask someone that sort of drive and the weather here is appa11ing so have to go myse1f but wi11 1eave it ti11 next week there and back either same day or next day my bed after a11 i paid for it ohh thats another thing 1aughab1e rea11y he says ive run up a 2k heating bi11 in 3 months having baths its a joke isnt it he must think im as nutty as he is is a1caho1ism a menta1 i11ness cos to me i think he needs sectioning cos i do be1eive tru1y hes 1ost his mind now but guess thats the codie in me wanting to he1p him as ever when he doesnt give two figs for me on1y think he wants is the drink says he was sober to me 1ast night i said as ifffff your an a1caho1ic (first time ive ever put it into words and te11s a ta1e he didnt argue back ) and since when can a1caho1ics not drink there was no answer to this nor any other question i asked

Tally

It sounds to me like he's just playing mind games with you, another way of trying to reel you back in, have you grateful for his attention.
I think he saw a change in you and that's the reason for him kicking you out only to later turn the tables on you and say you walked out. That left you bewildered and contacting him. Which is what he wanted, the shift of power.
I think you find if you go no contact he will do the running which will prove my theory.