kia

hiya wi11 try to keep this as short as possib1e and my 1 button isnt working so bare with me my story is very simi1ar to a1ot on here a1though not been with the ah for as 1ong met him 3 years ago became a coup1e 1ast year when he s1pit from a vio1ent partner from the onset he was a drinker and i did know he was when i met him just he was so caring fe11 for him big sty1e then we sp1it xmas of 1ast year and heard nothing for 6 months when he came back and basica11y the guy i was with at the time i 1eft to get back with him and as soon as i agreed to give us another go it was fraught with prob1ems as it became obvious the drinking had become worst i think in 1ast 6 months can count on one hand how much hes been sober and yet in comp1ete denia1 thinks he can contro1 it when its contro11ing him.We11 whats brought me here today is he finished with me again 1ast night not the first time that he drank oh 12 cans in few hours knew when he came to bed he was bad we had been fighting ear1ier stupid1y over a xmas tree but its been bui1ding for few days he had actua11y been sober for 3 days which ive never known him sober for so 1ong xxend of pt 1

kia

right next bit we11 the sober bit he was so sick with it and moody so it made me quite moody too as was so scared to say anything and at the time there was worries that i might have been pregnant which im not took a test he wanted me to be to1d everyone when he was drunk i was so more to b1ame me for u see i do b1ame me for this a1ways saying sorry etc cos we11 it must be me and we11 suppose i shou1d say what he did other week to me drunk again 1eft me stranded at a rai1way station at night on my own with no way of getting back to my home town i 1ive 4 hours away from where he is was so scarey and it was a11 cos he thought i didnt trust him which was proven i do and he was sorry after it but we11 hurt me so much that and since then its been odd between us think its me im scared he wi11 do it again cos we11 he keeps in finishing with me drunk then sober saying he doesnt remember.
1ast night he didnt come to bed ti11 3 in the morning either said as i was gonna finish with him he wou1d do it first he was right in a way was thinking as i have to s1eep a1one most nights may as we11 be back with my friends and fami1y as fee1 so cut off here not knowing anyone ive cryed so much 1ate1y i think my eyes are a11 dried up now dont know what to do next as i 1ove this guy stupid me p1ease he1p me as dont know where to go now

Live

I am so sorry you are in so much pain...but there is hope for you to find happiness in your life...really there is!

Welcome to SR...you will soon meet many new friends here, such a wonderful group of support with experience, strength and hope to share!

Since it is so late, it may take until mid-day for you to get several replies, but you can count on it and take heart that you are not alone in this.

You might want to begin by reading the stickies at the top of this forum....read around, make yourself right at home.

hugs,
live

teke

hi kia, welcome

i'm sorry, i do feel your pain. life can get better for you but it will take a little work and planning on your part. there is nothing you can do for him or to make him want to stop his drinking. unless he decides to seek help on his own, his addiction will probably get progressively worse and in my opinion, sounds like you deserve so much more.

i'm wondering what you would tell your best girlfriend to do if she was in your situation. i'm sorry to say but it could be possible that he thinks you are afraid he'll treat you that way again so i wouldn't doubt it if he tried it again but it is up to you to let him do it to you. sometimes i think they will do whatever it takes to take the focus off him and his addiction. a's don't seem to like it very well when they are challenged about their addiction.

maybe it would help to try alanon, keep posting and reading here and come up with a plan b, just in case you need one. you and yours are in my prayers.

kia

thank u so much for your rep1ies im sat here in tears reading them i just think im at rock bottom now and to cap it a11 my dads got dementia and we11 that aint got get any better either sorry i just fee1 everythings on top of me atm think im depressed too so im gonna go see about counse11ing to he1p me cope with things but its not he1ping me been so down cos he doesnt get why i am so down dont get me wrong he does have stuff going on with his vio1ent ex and not getting to see his kids but this isnt anything to do with me but i try to support him but get 1itt1e support for my dad back and u wou1dnt be the first to say i deserve better xkia

Pelican

Welcome to the Sober Recovery family!

You will find support and information here. There is a fountain of wisdom in the permanent posts at the top of this forum. There are some recommendations for books and steps to take to help yourself.

You deserve to be loved, appreciated and respected. It starts on the inside by loving yourself, appreciating your good qualities and respecting your own decisions to make healthy choices.

We're here to support you. (((hugs)))

kia

thanks for the words need them hes now picked a fight over a p1ant i watered it and apparent1y i shou1dnt have done ive been 1ooking after p1ants for years and just saw red now he wont ta1k to me says ive to go home at the weekend just fee1 1ike giving up right now he1p me p1ease dont know what to do next

kia

right we11 i ended up saying sorry simp1y cos the atmosphere was so bad here we11 someone had to and to be honest was me who started that fight have been rea11y prick1y 1ate1y so hes sober again and been his usua1 distant se1f not sure which i 1ike the drunk one who cudd1es me and hugs me or this one whos so distant doesnt come anywhere near and no didnt rea11y mean that its gotta be the sober one everytime im just wondering how 1ong it wi11 1ast this time ti11 tonite i reckon oh im in the uk have tried to a1ter the time setting but wont 1et me hope this isnt a prob1em never re1ised ti11 i registered hes supposed to be having a visit from his kids today first in 5 months we sha11 see if that happens think we wi11 get the usua1 1ate ca11 to say there not coming cos its not happened yet hope he does see them though it might he1p who knows but whi1st theres sti11 the a1cho1ism prob1em then i cant see him getting custody men have got to be whiter than white when it comes to that and they know he drinks and i think he knows hes gonna 1ose hence the drinking so he says excuses i think and theres the prob1em of what i te11 the socia1 services cos they wi11 ask does he drink cos the truth is yes he does most of the time if i say this though he wi11 1ose them and i cant be responsib1e for that its not fair cos to be honest hes said he wi11 give up once he has them hmmmm fnd that hard to be1ieve and what ive tried to te11 him is once u have them u wont ever be ab1e to drink again as u wi11 be the main carer one is 13 other is 2 so wi11 need caring for hhe says i wi11 give it up but think i wi11 end up doing it and no offence but im not their mum shou1dnt be down to me dont think hhe re1ises how hard this wi11 be permanent soberiety and i persona11y dont be1ieve he can do it cos he cant even give it up now for them so what makes him think he wi11 be ab1e to then but im gonna stick to guns and not buy him any cos think its coming it wi11 be first time ive said no and yes it was me buying it for him to be honest he stea1s it if i dont and cou1dnt stand the thought of him going to jai1 which is where he ended up the day before he 1eft me stranded at the station wont say exact1y what happened just that he was there think he tried to get in the car drunk to get his ex who he b1ames for a1ot of stuff and yes she has done some bad stuff but she dont make him drink and think the caught him sitting in it as it wou1dnt start they put him in ce11s overnight then re1eased him no charge just said hed been a stupid bugger :wtf2anyhow gonna go for now think hes getting up soon thanks for 1etting me get that off my chest xkia

kia

we11 she stopped access and now hes bought beer again cos of it but not with my money though a1though he tried to at the ti11 he tried to say that the amount was without the beer but it wasnt need to get up pretty ear1y for foo1 me but i know it wi11 get harder to do as now he has no money so next time i wi11 have to be stronger cos he a1ways manages to ta1k me round but i know where im going with this now if im gonna come out other side with me intact watch this space xxxkia

kia

hi had a bad nite 1ast night with him dont know whether i hand1ed it right or not any advice wou1d be appreciated he had been drinking again nowt new there and i decieded to go to bed at 11 and he said i11 be though soon which means code word for cou1d be two hours to a11 night anyhow woke up at 12 with the tv b1aring cos hes s1ight1y deaf too so went through to ask him to turn it down and for some unknown reason he seemed to think i was having a go which i wasnt cos hes deaf i had to shout s1ight1y to be heard above the tv he said i said dont come back to bed which i didnt there seems to be issues with sex too he just doesnt want me anymore and i think uses a a1ot of excuses to get out of it ohh u were as1eep etc but i wou1d be as he never comes to bed with me does anyone e1se have this prob1em cos whi1t im no sex maniac i do 1ike to maybe once a week which just doesnt happen anyhow when i got up this morning insead of having a go i just was ca1m and rationa1 and said we11 i never said anything 1ike that and since have been ca1m and not shouted but im sad atm though fee1 1ost xkia

pray4joy

I have the opposite problem, when he is drinking he wants sex and I am so disgusted by him physically and emotionally I honestly and repelled beyond belief...I can't even stand for him to touch me at all! I know it is the creature that wants sex (that is what I call his drinking personality - a creepy creature, needy sniveling rude and disgusting)

FindingPeace1

Kia,
You have a lot going on in your life and in your mind. Due to the nature of your posts, to keep myself clear, I started taking notes below. Here's the highlights reflected for you:
* he used to be caring
* he does lots of drinking
* you fight often
* he's often moody
* he often blames you which has you blame yourself
* he left you stranded to punish you for not trusting him
* he was sorry
* you feel hurt and scared he'll do it again
* he's not remembering what happened
* he doesn't come home till late
* you feel cut off
* you cry all the time
* you love him
* you're depressed
* you feel he doesn't understand you
* you know you deserve better and many others have said the same
* he picks stupid fights, refuses to talk to you, but you end up apologizing
* you're "not sure which i 1ike the drunk one who cudd1es me and hugs me or this one whos so distant doesnt come anywhere near"
* you were thinking he would call late to cancel on his kids again because he never sees them
* you were wondering what to tell social services about his drinking, but if you tell the truth you are afraid he will lose them
* you recognize that you can't be responsible for that
* he promises he'll quit
* you think you will end up raising his kids
* you don't believe he can quit
* you can't stand the thought of him going to jail
* he tried to get in the car drunk to get his ex
* you feel he doesn't want you anymore

You have a lot you can complain about and the situation you are in is heartbreaking. I am married to an active alcoholic and I understand and feel for you.

Re-read that bullet list. Go ahead, I'll wait.

Does that sound like a great life to you? The life you want?
If you could look at a list of descriptions of different lives, would you pick that one?

I hear in your posts that you feel helpless. That you are unhappy, you would lie for him, you would raise his kids for him, even if you know its not your job and you don't want to.
WHY?
Because you love him? Is that a good enough reason to suffer to this degree?

You're not helpless. You're not hopeless. You're not unworthy.
You are a good human being. You deserve to be cared for. You deserve to raise your own kids if you want to with a partner that loves you and them. Or you can have no kids. Or you can have no partner. Or whatever you want.

This is YOUR life. Not his.

Did you give over your life to him to control?
He's not your Siamese twin that you can never escape.
He's not tied to you with chains.
He is YOUR choice.
And you are totally right. All the stuff you said he did sounds outrageous and cruel and hurtful and not fun. You're right.
AND, you are choosing EVERY DAY YOU STAY to have that bullet list be part of your life. YOU are choosing. YOU have control and power.
Do you like the choice you made?

You don't have to sacrifice your life and happiness and worth because of a feeling for him (regardless of how strong that feeling is).

I don't see (in your posts) a reason, if I were you, to stay. Do you?
Maybe you do. But as they say in Alanon - there are the 3 c's:
You didn't cause this. You can't cure it and you can't control it. In ANY way.
So you get to look at him as a package deal. Not the wonderful, caring guy he used to be and MAY be again. But the true reality guy his is right now.
Do you want that as is?
No fixing, getting better, recovering, changing. Just AS IS.
Because, from what I have been told, alcoholism is progressive. Chances are he won't get better, he'll get worse.

But you have a CHOICE. You have choices. No one is going to force you to stay, or lie for him or raise his kids.
Meanwhile, HE has choices. He chooses to drink, or steal liquor, or drive drunk, or miss out on his kids lives.
The only way alcoholics change is if their lives get out of hand enough that THEY choose to change. So lying to social services, or buying him liquor, etc. etc. is just postponing any possible recovery. For him to lose his kids or go to jail might give him the kick he needs. Certainly, protecting him from consequences he deserves won't help him a bit, although it hurts you to see it happen. In fact, it will hurt him because then he won't have any consequences. Why would anyone stop their behavior with no negative consequences?

All you can do is love him and get out of the way.

But about you...
Have you read on this site about codependency? There is healing you can do for you. Although it seems HE HE HE is the one that needs to be fixed, you can resolve your misery by healing yourself.
I strongly encourage you to go to some Alanon meetings in your area. Read the stickies at the top of this forum. Get Codependent No More by Melody Beattie from a local bookstore or the library and read it. One of the stickies has a list of tons of good books to read. Get into counseling, if you can.

Try to see you can make a list all day, every day about how crummy he is, but YOUR life won't change until you change you.
He's an alcoholic. You can expect him to do what he's doing. You don't need to be surprised by it anymore. That's what you get with an alcoholic.
It hurts. But you can change.

Hugs to you. Keep coming back. I believe in you.
-wife

kia

sorry took me a whi1e to get back to u and thank u so much fo answering hes sti11 drinking and picked another fight over something i said about an ex apparent1y it was different to what i said before and he went mad hes ok now suppose we11 drunk yes goes without saying and i fee1 nervous now as hes kinda tipping the ba1ance now into too much im gonna go back and reread your post cos it makes a1ot of sense im gonna go get counse11ing when im back in my home town i dont actua11y 1ive with him yet which te11s a ta1e too hesitating over it atm 1east now i got somewhere to run to and that sounds so bad doesnt it im having a week in southport next week where my fami1y and friends are make app too whi1e im there im hoping it wi11 he1p right now fee1ing so down dont know what way is up xkia

Tally

Hey Kia, we all know where you are and how you're feeling, your story is one I could have wrote myself. (we're from the same neck of the woods too). If I could just ask you or recommend that you go back and read the brilliant post that "Wifeofadrinker" posted for you, read it a few times and try answering some of her questions, its the post just above your last reply and it just spoke volumes to me, and I hope it did to you too.
Try taking the focus OFF him for a minute and put it on you, what do you want?

kia

i just cant te11 u how upset i am this morning cant write what happened 1ast nite its upsetting me too much right now cant put it into words i wi11 read it when i can concentrate on anything sorry just trying to stop crying

Tally

That's ok, there's normally always someone around and there's no pressure to tell us lot anything, all in your own time. I hope you're feeling a bit better this afternoon and I hope you're safe. x

JenT1968

Hi Kia,
just wanted to see how you are and sending some hugs,
x

kia

hi sorry not been around for few days im back in southport for the week and been to see doc today despite been to1d by AH not to go and cried in his office a first even when my marriage was breaking up and asked for he1p then came c1ose then but didnt we11 now i have he said i shou1d 1eave him that its never gonna work and i know hes right deep down just i cant 1eave him yet 1ove him too much which is why i got so upset phoned him twice 1ast night to say i got in safe from trave11ing and two texts none of which were answered ti11 this morning when got accused of "a1ways worrying about me and wish u wou1dnt " at 6 this morning and since have sent three more jokey ones which havent been answered so who knows but if i keep contacting him he goes mad so wont do anymore i know what i shou1d do just i cant yet not at this time of year my brother says hes pu11ing me down with him which i know cos a11 i do when im with him is cry every day anyhow doc has referred me for counse11ing so see how that goes xkia

Tally

So if all you do is cry everyday, what do you love about him?

kia

because he does a1so make me 1augh a1though right at this precise moment in time hes very drunk and having a go at me through msn apparent1y i am now getting it in the neck because his ex has fina11y agreed to 1et him get his stuff through a third party but on sat and he wants my brother to do it but as ive not even asked him yet and my brother a1ready having a bad impression of him we11 its 50 -50 he wi11 do it and i had wanted to have monday here as we11 1ooks 1ike thats off un1ess i come back with brother actua11y might we11 do that as brother wi11 need me to be with him anyhow cos he isnt the best of drivers best bit is hes having a go at me before ive even asked him prob because hes had no s1eep and a skinfu1 of beer dont worry im the sort of person that wi11 give it a good go and if ive tried my best and its sti11 not working then i wi11 wa1k away did it with my marriage if 17 years cos he cheated with my mate he thought i wou1dnt do it either seems he was wrong and dani might we11 find i11 be pushed so much then i wi11 wa1k away thank u so much though for a11 the support your giving me i need it xkia