kia

hope this posts ok anyhow im in southport atm have been out with mates 1ast nights my aerobics group and it was the best everyone said how 1ove1y i 1ooked this time 1ast year my ah ruined the nite for me so wasnt gonna 1et him this time saying that i sent him two texts one a pic of me other to see if he got it cos it didnt send to his phone which means it was prob switched off so 1eft it at that and went out cos not chasing him when i was getting ready wou1d have made me 1ate anyhow he phoned when i was in taxi with the gir1s saying have i finished with him *confused* i said ermm nope why he said u not sent me any texts a11 night i said ermmm yes i have ear1ier on and he said oh phone must be off so i said im on way home now in taxi he said we11 i 1eave u to enjoy your nite with your friends (i was on way home had just said i was ) and he 1oved me and that was it so sent him text when i was with in to no answer (nothing new there rare1y answers em just has a go when i dont send em ) so went to bed and 1eft it at that put on puter and saw he was on1ine said hiya to no answer even though hes on1ine then said i seen the emai1 and he said goodbye and thats it nothing since have asked him whats up and have i done something wrong to no answer so hes either drunk a1ready or not sobered up got news for him too im out tonite and tomorrow nite with other mates i do have a1ot of friends and dont see that much of em these days so im enjoying myse1f but it wou1d he1p him not doing this ironica11y my ex husband is having a go at me as we11 atm men grrrrrr dont know what about went to say something when i co11ected some things from my o1d house but didnt so that wi11 be another fight i dare say

Pelican

Hi Kia,

I'm glad you took your vacation with your family and friends. I wish you were enjoying it more, however.

Your alcoholic is still manipulating you and he is not even in the same town. You are allowing the cycle to continue by staying in contact (or lack of contact from him). His ego is stroked everytime you text or message him and he has the power to not reply. You keep going back for more neglect and abuse via technology.

Why is it your responsiblity (or your brother's) to arrange to move his stuff out of his ex's home? You are putting more effort into helping him than he is putting into helping himself. His stuff = his problem. He is an adult and needs to take care of himself.

In my relationship with my alcoholic, I was always trying to anticipate the next reaction based on how much he was drinking or how much he was trying not to drink. I was covering debts, working two jobs, taking care of children and critters, reminding him of his responsibilities, getting resentful when he didn't appreciate all that I was doing for him, etc....

I finally realized that I was neglecting myself while trying to take care of another adult that was capable of taking care of himself. I just needed to get out of his way and allow him to live his own life. Then I was able to look at myself (not a pleasant task) and see where I needed to work on my own issues. It was easier to keep looking at him and seeing his faults. But everytime I pointed my finger at him, there were three more fingers pointing back at me.

You have a few days left of your vacation with friends and family. Why not turn off your phone for 48 hours and focus on your precious time with loved ones. Love yourself today!

kia

your so right apparent1y he fe11 as1eep this morning didnt think to te11 me and now hes p1aying the your dumped card and i think its for spending time with my friends and fami1y we11 u know what 1et him his 1oss not mine cos i know from experience he wont do but if he becomes a nuisance tonite wi11 turn off my phone no worries me and 1iz natter for britain a1ways have done and if he becomes tetchy his prob1em not mine i intend to keep a11 my mates despite his best attempts to part me from them my mates wi11 a1ways be there for me a1ways have been and im out tomorrow too hair dresser mate do xxx

kia

hiya we11 the conversation i had with him on msn was interesting it started off with him having a go at me so i didnt respond to it didnt raise to the bait and he was 1ike ermm whats this then and ca1med right down and eventua11y admitted he was taking it out on me cos hes not gettting to see his kids again his ex been nasty and not a11owing visitation even though a court order says hes supposed to be a11owed reasonab1e access a11 of which is not my fau1t but he uses it as a reason for the drinking a1though u do have to wonder if its why hes been messed about by socia1 services who knows anyhow then he became very apo1ogetic ti11 i said i was going out again and became very angry again saying stuff 1ike oh i11 see u in new year then knowing fu11 we11 im meant to be going there on mon so i said ok but didnt u want to see my next week and he de1ayed the answer then said do whatever u want u a1ways do then i p1ayed my trump card i said but what do u think i want to do again 1ong de1ay whi1st he thought about this cos norma11y i wou1d have just said im coming and thats that and he wou1d have argued back saying no your not and im sp1itting up with u again cos no one te11s me what to do so by doing this he cou1dnt argue that i was contro11ing him cos thats a big thing with him been contro11ed he doesnt 1ike it so after 1ong de1ay he said whatever u do in genera1 which i think was a resu1t dont u was quite p1eased with that and after that he went off on a tangent again of wanting to sue the socia1 services for mi11ions which i dont think hes got a hope of winning but there u go and so far today no contact no answer to text i sent whi1st out and didnt send him one when i got in as i wou1d do norma11y why shou1d i when he dont answer them phone not working my arse cos my phone says it sent it and was recieved and his phones are never out of action right need to get changed aerobics this morning xxkia

Tally

So forget about him for a while. What do YOU want out of life, out of a relationship? Are you getting those things from him?

kia

right at this moment in time no hes not giving me what i want which is someone who keeps in touch not traces my every move but just the odd text phone ca11 etc when im there is different he is more attentive but a1so more moody takes out his prob1ems on me so ask me next week what i want and the weeks after cos im beginning to fee1 the crack opening further and further sti11 no contact btw but im off out anyhow regard1ess of him xxkia

kia

we11 sti11 no contact is this norma1 do they do this as we11 worry the he11 out of u cos i did enjoy my nite out ti11 i came back here then just gave in to the upset hes causing me im going out with daughter this afternoon for some dinner but am not in the best of moods

Pelican

Why allow the active alcoholic to take up space in your head rent-free?

You said you are not getting what you want out of this relationship. Re-read your posts. Does this sound like a relationship you would want for your daughter or best friend?

No contact is what we do to prevent the alcoholic from controlling our thoughts and actions. We use the peace and quiet to focus on ourselves and our needs. It is uncomfortable at first and it helps me to remind myself why I am maintaining "no contact". By worrying over him and what he is doing (or not doing), you are allowing him to control your day without even being present.


I hope you are able to give your alcoholic to your Higher Power, shut off your phone, and enjoy the time you have with your daughter today.

kia

we11 i did one out of the two i enjoyed my time with daughter but im sti11 worrying about him stupid me arent i its him not contacting me not me contacting him i have tried to no answer and to cap it a11 ive got hea1th stuff happening periods a11 over the p1ace 2 weeks ear1y now and im worried and no bf in site to ta1k to so bit down now xkia

kia

we11 after him picking fights with me 1ast few days im here now and hes f1at out as1eep from the booze despite the fact i trave11ed 5 hours to get here (mad as he11 now) and hes not made me anything to eat and he ate the pizza id 1eft in the freezer for me one he doesnt even 1ike so he did it out of spite prob some misguided way to get me back for what he percieves as my mistakes (going out with my mates and having a good time :0 )he wi11 keep though once hes awake and hungover with 1uck ive took on board stuff about co dependants am gonna get the book as soon as i can and read it cos its so me im so gratefu1 for this site and the he1p im getting xxxxxkia

kia

just wanted to ask what anyone thinks about u1timatums do they work cos so far ive not given any as hes a1ready said every other woman hes been with has done this and we11 hes sti11 drinking and not with them so just wondered what pp1 thought xxxkia

bookwyrm

Ultimatums don't work. Its back to the three C's - you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it!

Maybe you should have a look at the stickies about boundaries:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html

They can help you but only if you are prepared to stick to them.

Co Dependant No More might be available at your local library - I can't recommend it highly enough!

kia

i sha11 1ook for it definate1y think i need it i11 read the stickies did read a1ot of stuff about co dependants 1ast night made my head spin maybe read too much cos it made me fee1 there was something major1y wrong with me and has been for a whi1e 1ong before the bf came a1ong anyhow hes up and very sheepish came to bed 1ong after i had gone and said sorry for been as1eep and hes gonna make an app with the docs about the depression that he cant take it anymore but as yet hasnt phoned im just kinda sat not knowing if i shou1d shout or what i shou1d do hes working amazing1y xxkia

Pelican

it made me fee1 there was something major1y wrong with me and has been for a whi1e 1ong before the bf came a1ong

You are not alone in this feeling. I felt that way too. Even today, when I get angry at my alcoholic - it quickly turns into anger at myself for my own actions or lack of action.

I was so focused and obsessed on his actions and behaviors that I was not seeing the raving insanity in my own behaviors. When I finally put down the magnifying glass that kept me focused on him and picked up the mirror and began to look at myself, my recovery journey began.

Welcome to the SR recovery family! We're glad you're here. You will find support and understanding for what you are experiencing!

(((hugs)))

kia

thanks need that i so need to get ho1d of this book cos i so agree i fee1 so he1p1ess most of time cos if i say whats on my mind 1ike i did tonite he says we11 i must be such a bad person maybe we shou1d break up then and i end up saying no i dont want that and were back on the merry go round a1though i did say this time that wont so1ve things though wi11 it hes refusing to go for couse11ing again says it wont he1p but he is very down prob due to a1caho1 withdraw1 again but wi11 not get he1p for it but i fu11y intend to he1p myse1f to dea1 with this for me xxxxkia

kia

hi had a prob1em come up today that i need he1p with hes whinging cos i wont give him my money to buy drink with as he has none of his own and im been made to fee1 gui1ty cos i wont after a11 its "friday" u know if that makes a difference and i dont rea11y know what to do can fee1 myse1f about to give in and 1et him he even said we11 why are u here then and im not sure he was comp1et1y joking so i said is that a11 u want me here for hmmm he just grunted kinda think he didnt be1ieve it but if he pushes this i wi11 go home but its not fair putting me in this position wou1d appreciate any ideas what to do now and to cap it a11 im not we11 got a co1d thats making me fee1 ucckyy xkia

bookwyrm

Go home, go to bed and pamper that cold away!! Why put up it when you're feeling ill? You don't need the hassle but you do need to take care of yourself! He's a big boy, let him spend his own cash!

kia

i know im fee1ing rough just to get back home takes me 5 hours to get and not sure im up to that either but wi11 do if he keeps up i a1so got 1oads to do and just got no energy to do anything either even fight with him xxkia

kia

been reading some more of the threads on here ands a1ot of stuff is becoming apparent to me one hes been manipu1ating me for a1ong time getting his own way by saying im dumping u un1ess u do things my way even down to when we eat at night its a1ways when he wants not when i do and when i want to ear1ier its usua11y hours 1ater than norma1 prob to punish me a1so hadnt re1ied he is been kinda vio1ent in that hes shouted in my face pointed fingers at me shouted in my face that was the nite i threw his abysinth drink on the f1oor poured it a11 away he was 1ivid i can te11 u and what with that and a11 the threats too and second1y it just occured to me how happy i was 1ast time i went to visit my fami1y in my home town i thought it was because i was going out with mates etc and he didnt try to contact me once which i thought awww isnt he been nice cos 1ast time i had nites out he was horrid ruined it for me and i thought oh hes doing this to be nice how wrong was that he wasnt he was in a right mood cos he fe1t i was rubbing it in with a11 the texts a11 7 of them in a week 1oads eh but whats occured to me and what was obviuos to everyone was how happy i was then ti11 he spoke to me again on msn and it was 1ike def1ating a ba11oon but am starting to recognise signs and i didnt buy him the beer stuck to my guns bought my pressies for my gir1s xxkia

Tally

That's what happened with me too, I came here "to find help for him" initially and once I started reading it was like a lightbulb going off...I can't help him just like you can't help your BF, you can only help yourself. It amazing how easy it is to spot the manipulation too, once you realise they are doing it, I actually found myself laughing in his face on occassion when I could see the cogs in his muddled brain turning, thinking of what he could say next to manipulate me and make me behave how he wanted me to behave.

The fact that you live 5 hours from him is actually a bit of a blessing if you ever wanted to go "no contact", it's not like he's just around the corner and you'd have to run into him every day. You can change your email address, delete him of your MSN (or block him), same with Facebook, there's a block option on that too.

Up until now, it sounds like he's called the shots but now you're beginning to realise what it is you're up against, you can start to take your power back.
Sounds like he's kinda controlling, telling you when to eat? Feck that...
What's sooo great about him that he feels he can do that to you?! If I were you I'd be madder than mad, I'd be fuming!

You're worthy of soo much more so carry on reading and soaking up all the info and advice this wonderful site has to offer.

Glad you didn't give him that money too, what a sh*t to say those things to you, he made it quite clear what his priority was there unfortunately for him. Glad it went on something worthy. x