kia

its a1ways been the drink with him i never even got a birthday pressie off him no money apparent1y a1though there seemed to be enough for booze u wait and see what happens if i get no pressie for xmas from him i had never re1ised it before how contro11ing he is i mean knew he was to extent think most men are and i can be at times too but 1ate1y its just fe1t 1ike ive not contro1 over even breathing 1et a1one anything e1se i did do a11 that before took him off msn etc and he managed to get back this time if he goes i gotta do it for good and make it fina1 a1though not ready yet for that i wi11 know when and if but im putting me first for now and doing it for me this time instead of p1eading and begging when he didnt want me to come back here i didnt do that just ta1ked to him and eventua11y he wanted me back then and there but i said no i11 come tomorrow and stuck to it sma11 steps i think is the way xxkia

Tally

Small steps is definately the way, big ones can sometimes seem so scary that we don't make them. Any way that works huh!

kia

we11 im sorry to say fee1 very gui1ty i gave in to him today and bought him beer was fee1ing so rough with the co1d and he took advantage he made a point of saying when we were shopping that oh but u wont a11ow me to have beer wi11 u and i said no i never said that just i wont buy it with my money and he jumped on this and said we11 can u 1end me the money and what was i meant to say so i said yes cos way i figgered next time he trys this i can say no as u never paid me back the 1ast 1ot and if he pays me back which is un1ike1y but there u go but fee1 ive 1et pp1 down not 1east is me and 1ater he wi11 1ike1y be very down and picking a fight with me cos hes drinking quite fast now xkia

Tally

You haven't let anyone down, it takes time to detach from them and their problems, no one just gets it the first time and sure there's gonna be steps backwards and steps forward too.

I used to buy alcohol for him too, I'd go without basic things like bread and milk so he had enough money for alcohol. If we ran out of money I'd panic and worry "what was he gonna do", more often than not I'd borrow from my family to fund his habit.
Sometimes he'd be too drunk or feeling too rough and hungover so I'd go to the shop for him too. Basically all he had to do was lift the glass and I'd do the rest of the work.

Then when he got drunk he'd turn into a nasty piece of work and spend the whole evening shouting at me and blaming me for everything and giving me a right dressing down of my faults. We'd end up in a screaming row and I'd think it was all my fault and blame myself for buying him the alcohol...madness.

If he has you to fund his habit and he knows that if he goes on enough then you'll give in, then he's going to carry on using you to fund his habit.

Think about it, you don't want him to drink or be drunk, yet you facilitate him and enable him to do just that.

I came to a point where I eventually realised that alcohol wasn't the most important thing to ME, so I stopped letting it be.

I told him I wouldn't be buying him alcohol EVER again and that if he asked me I would either ignore him or say no.
I stopped borrowing from my family and I told them to say no if I asked them and I told him I would no longer be borrowing from my family.
I started putting my money away and not letting on that I had any, that way he became more responsible for his own money and didn't rely on mine. That being said, he normally just got cash off his mother instead but at least I wasn't going without.

He's never gonna stop until he reaches rock bottom, and he's not gonna reach rock bottom whilst he has people providing alcohol for him and propping up his habit.

Start thinking about you for a change, not him. It does get easier to say no but the more you pull away the harder he's gonna fight to keep you enabling him.

kia

yep a11 of that is so true cos when i do try to back off he pu11s me back in 1ast nite he said your the best thing to come into my 1ife for 15 years shame he dont think this when sober and ta1k about a gui1t trip he even said theres nothing to stop anyone 1ooking around for someone e1se i any re1ationship so maybe he senses a shift hes a1ways known my every move 1ong before i made it. I11 need to te11 someone what happened 1ast nite after i went to bed cos im sti11 too shocked to take it in the imp1ications of it we11 he did go out 1ater on again with my money promising as a1ways to pay it back which i know he wont and 1ow comes back with another 30 cans and a11 my money gone but thats not it id had enough decieded to go bed which he made me some 1emsip and hot water bott1e for and i fe11 as1eep on1y to be woken two hours 1ater which with a co1d u dont want rea11y cos its hard to get back off to s1eep anyhow he started ta1king to me when i wanted to s1eep and he said oh i came to give u a cudd1e cos i was waiting for the curry to cook and stupid me re1ised i hadnt put the switch on the cooker on and im 1ike huh cos was ha1f as1eep next thing hes snoring beside me and im 1ike typica1 now i got him snoring a11 nite grrr and then brain kept trying to nudge me somethings wrong nudge nudge go check the cooker and im 1ike nooo comfty and no he hasnt 1eft it on and risked our 1ives in end cou1dnt sett1e cos knew he had put the heating on so at 1east had to go turn it off as it costs to run it so got up went through and yes u guessed it he had 1eft the over on and gone to s1eep now the ramifictaions for this were 1ike massive cos one a11 the keys for 1ocked door are in the 1iving room so we wou1d have been trapped had i not got up and turned it off the phones were a1so there too who1e p1ace wou1d have gone up not to say just our f1at and if we had survived we wou1d have had no f1at no furniture no money as it was a11 in the 1iving room cards etc and more imortant1y no train pass to get home so im sti11 trying to come to terms with this he cou1d have ki11ed not on1y himse1f but me too xxkia

bookwyrm

Kia, you talk about your ABF a lot in your posts. What are you doing for you? Have you started reading any of the books recommended here? Have you gone to an Al Anon meeting? Have you thought about how you would like to live and why you stay with a bullying, money draining ABF? Have you started practicing self love? In short, what have you done for YOU lately?

You deserve so much better than this. (((hugs)))

kia

for me thats a good one i did spend some money on me other day not much mind i never put me first never have done its hard for me to do that today ive put on the turkey he was meant to do as were having xmas dinner ear1y we11 meant to be doing hard to think about stuff for me hes s1eeping again right now im gonna get brekkie now is what im gonna do good mind to stuff the turkey right ***** and i got a headache xxkia

bookwyrm

I you don't put yourself first, then who will? There is no one else out there who will look after you the way you need to be looked after. This is your story (and the title of this thread), your life. Put the focus back on you!

(((kia)))

heavenlyone

Kia, there's so much anxiety going on in your posts....I can feel it jumping off the page at me. I'm so sorry for that. I know how it feels.

He has no respect for you. He only cares for himself. I'm sorry, but it's true. It's the same with my AH, he has zero respect or interest in me as a person.

You're a great person. You deserve to be treated GREAT. You're money is your money. If he wants more money for beer, let him work for it. They are lazy bludgers these addicts.

kia

we11 hes awake now fina11y and not happy ive done the turkey but id 1ike to eat sometime round about tea time instead of 9 o c1ock and brick hard but yes i am anxious atm never know how hes gonna be with me so it makes u that way funny as we11 no memory of eating my pring1es either hmmm x kia

Tally

Have you had addict partners in the past or been treated badly in other relationships Kia? Is there some reason why you think this is all your worthy of?
Stop telling us about him and tell us about you.

kia

i suppose u cou1d say i had a bad re1ationship with my first one in that he tried to get off with my best mate and this went on for over a year then had a rebound then came the AH and we11 that 1asted few months he went back to the ex i was on my own for two months then had coup1e of ma1e friends but nothing of any note didnt want to then got back with ex hubby then came back AH it haven broken up and he wanted me back and we11 broke us up basica11y convinced me to come back to him and stupid me did do cos ive never stopped 1oving him and i dont think i ever wi11 but its made me re1ise that we11 i dont have to stop 1oving him but the choice is can i 1ive with him and right now i dont know but todays shown me the way its gonna be and right now my gut instinct is saying i cant 1ive 1ike this everyday on my nerves a11 the time cos hes been drinking sober its ok drunk its far from it ironica11y there is a guy whos nice doesnt drink 1ikes me and i just cant even though he makes a1ot more sense but i cant see the wood for the trees and i rea11y dont want to destroy another guy cos of the AH my ex sti11 hasnt recovered from me dumping him in the summer has needed counse11ing and ironica11y hes drinking too much too according to daughter who 1ives with him i think maybe i fee1 ive put so much into this re1ationship and dont want it to fai1 cos ive given my a11 into it for it to go wrong and do fee1 its me doing things wrong xxkia

bookwyrm

You're taking responsibility for so many thing - and you don't have to! You're not responsible for his drinking. You're not responsible for the thoughts and feelings of any other adult. They are grown ups and responsible for themselves. I took a lot of the blame and responsibility during my 18 years with STBXAH - a lot of which he dumped on me. He pointed the finger at me for so long that I came to believe that I was the reason he wouldn't stop drinking, I was the reason he was unhappy, I was the reason he was discontented, I was the reason he was bored etc etc. Coming here, reading the stickies, reading the books, all helped me get a much better understanding of what true responsibility is and where it lies. I was also referred by my GP to counselling which really helped me a lot.

Kia, unless you're tying him to a chair and physically forcing alcohol down his throat you are not making him drink. It is a decision he makes on his own.

Relationships fail because people change and they no longer get their needs met. You alone cannot save this relationship. It takes 2. It isn't so much a question of failing and blame but a question of self care and finding happiness. Can you see yourself living like this and being happy? You cannot change him - you don't have that much power. If there was some way of behaving, some words to speak, if just loving the alcoholics in our lives was enough to change them into the people we all 'know' is there, then this forum and Al Anon just wouldn't exist. When it comes right down to it, you only have control over yourself. Please, find a way for you to be happy. You only get one life - do you want to live it like this?

Have you had a chance to get a copy of Co Dependant No More? Have you been taking better care of yourself - how are you feeling?

(((hugs)))

kia

no havent had a chance cos this isnt home town and there doesnt appear to be any book stores here but i wi11 dont worry me how am i fee1ing very down is the honest answer and the co1d isnt he1ping making me depressed as we11 as the situation i actua11y had to shout at him cos he was picking me up and it was hurting and ribs are bit sore now he doesnt even give me so many hugs sober wou1dnt even dream of doing that so i know hes had too much im home on tuesday so time for me i know though this isnt gonna be easy he says stuff 1ike your my wor1d i came back for u and a11 this then says i gave up my kids for u which is simp1y not true im the one pushing him to see them his ex is refusing contact and not for obvious reasons shes got issues too i said to him theres one simp1e reason your not getting custody and im 1ooking at it the drink simp1e answer cos the e1dest is now 1iving with her grandad cos neither parent is capab1e but its not a permanent so1ution and i know its a11 about him and going off me again i fee1 as if im 1ost somewhere out there not knowing where to grab ho1d of 1ife1ine and whats just gonna be quicksand again i just fee1 1ost xkia

bookwyrm

oh I know that horrible feeling (((hugs))) You can find yourself again - I did.

kia

theres times when i 1ook at myse1f and what im doing and think why and i dont know the answer just now wi11 i ever know the answer i hope so took me so 1ong the 1ast time we were together to get me back and now im right back there so unsure of myse1f and afraid a11 the time if im honest afraid to 1ose him but have i a1ready to the drink did i ever have him i dont know cos the rea1 guy the sober one is someone i dont know so we11 cos hard1y see him anymore so most of the time i dont speak my mind i shut up and dont say what i fee1 for fear of been dumped again or even of having the po1ice ca11ed on me again hes done that before so what now i wonder cos wish that it was simp1e to wa1k away as i did with the ex hubby but with this one it isnt so simp1e and i guess i wi11 know when that time has come when ive had enough but this site is so good cos i can write down some of me the way im fee1ing dont know what i wou1d do without it puts into words what i want to say but cant thank u xxkia

Tally

Have you read the sticky about their "potential"? All the "yeah but if he just changed then we could be so happy" and the "he's nice when he's not drunk" and the "he might change"?

I think we reason with ourselves to make it ok to stay but the truth really is that he might NEVER change and we could waste our whole lives waiting for them to do something to make us happy when it isn't their responsibility to do anything for us.
The reality is he IS drunk and he ISN'T making any serious effort to change.

Have a nose at the thread, it makes alot of sense.

Loving their potential - http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...potential.html

Classic reading - some amazing threads here - http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html

Have you read about detatchment? You can grab a copy of Melody Beatties Co-Dependant No More on Ebay or Amazon for a few pounds, I can't recommend it enough.

CODEPENDENT NO MORE by MELODY BEATTIE on eBay (end time 27-Dec-09 18:06:08 GMT)

kia

hi yeh ordered it on amazon 1ast nite think its a week de1ivery on it though so dont ho1d me breath hes becoming paranoid now too watching me a11 the time he found a green stain on my underwear and i think he thinks ive been up to something asss ifffff i havent got the energy for that i ta1k with another guy most1y about him but we11 its winter so whats he think im on the grass in just knickers in the winter idiot its the drink wi11 read this book cover to cover when it comes and i sha11 go and read the threads u put up thank u xxxxkia

kia

hi i was thinking a1ot about stuff 1ast few days was thinking about what someone said about what am i getting out of this re1ationship cos i know what hes getting from it he gets me trave11ing 5 hours to get here he gets me buying the food and 2 this time the booze we sha11 see if i get that money back and if i dont get a pressie we11 cant say what i11 do and he has me worrying about him a11 the time and on stand by incase he fee1s 1ike some sex which aint very often think the booze is a hard mistress me though what do i get out of it we11 he has never bought me anything in 6 months except what my money has bought when he did have money it paid for his net bi11 for some money he owes this guy but no sign of any monies back for me even though he promised he wou1d do empty promise as usua1 i am kinda hoping he doesnt pay back that money i 1ent him this time cos then can say no more money to 1end as u never paid back 1ast 1ot and he bought some pressies for his kids nothing for me the person who he c1aims he on1y thing has kept him going so no money he doesnt take me anywhere as hes never got any money as any of that gets spent on booze once hes given me his card when he had money and said spend what u want but cou1d see in his face dont spend a11 my booze money so what e1se we11 physica11y he gives me nothing the on1y thing he makes 1ove to is the booze cos it aint me and i know some have said they dont 1ike it with drunk guy we11 no i dont but as hes rare1y sober beggers cant be choosers but drunk things dont work either so we11 he gives me 1ove i suppose u cou1d say we11 says he 1oves me a1though words are cheap he cooks for me suppose u cou1d say but not a11 the time as the drink commands when he does i mean what defines 1ove actions or words cos words he can be very 1oving when hes drunk sober not so much when he was sober 1ast week he was so co1d towards me fe1t 1ike i was his sister so suppose u cou1d say 1ist is very short i remain optimistic about xmas that he wi11 be bothered to get me something a1though hes said dont phone or text him cos it rubs it in im with my fami1y and hes a1one but that was his choice not mine so im gonna have the best time with my fami1y then go back to him after xmas oh the books been dispatched so dunno how 1ong to get to me few days i reckon xxxkia

kia

right quick update been getting messages off him a11 day even though ive stupid1y forgot my phone and now im getting the suicide thing again not the first time seeming1y his ex has found out from socia1 services where he 1ives and has been there banging on the door and hes phoned the po1ice to be to1d apparent1y there not coming out which i find hard to be1ieve cos they have to go to every ca11 no choice a copper to1d me that once anyhow now hes messaging me on msn saying hes done it cut himse1f and that im been se1fish thinking of on1y me rich isnt it when hes saying hes done this and hes saying i have to 1ook after the cat which wi11 prob be dead by the time i can get there he knows this its xmas and im staying here with fami1y they wou1d ki11 me if i even thought about going ,1ast time he did this i was at the train station on my way to him i was 1ivid with him and im hoping this is more of the same emotiona1 b1ackmai1 to make me come back and that hes not serious its 50 -50 he has done cos before we got back together he did take 1oads of tab1ets and if it wasnt for his house mates he wou1d have been dead took hundreds of em not cry for he1p seriuos attempt that was but hes to1d me in past if hes te11ing me hes not seriuos but i cant get there to check and im worried so airing it on here to try and rationa1ise it xxxkia