He's not leaving, I'm a wuss
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Exactly, Freedom!
&
Since he knows the relationship is breaking down this is a very dangerous time for you. He might be nice right now but it will not last. This is simply a part of the cycle and tension will begin to build once again. Just like drug addiction and alcoholism, abuse always escalates so you have to be prepared.
you have been witnessing and feeling his tension and anger growing. It is strongly possible, probably likely....that when this blows up, it will be directed at and toward you.
He has been sleeping separately up until this week, now he is showing you he has his place with you by returning to your bed....unwanted and he knows you don't want him there. You should feel uncomfortable with this, just as you have.
He is telling you how it is going to be. All this is tactic. None of it is true. He is saying one thing and thinking another. And what he says is a diversion from what he will actually do...except perhaps the threats, either direct or implied.
He is threatening you with loss of financial support and with financial loss.
You have said and he knows that hurting your animals is a way to hurt you...this is a strike by proxy, that he hit the animal again last night. In a way, he HAS just hit you.
If this doesn't get you "back in line" or even if it did, the outlet for this tension and anger is YOU. If not to control you, then to punish you and make sure you know he is the one in control.
Have you discounted what his X-Wife told you?
As in al-anon (and AA) there are predictable and likely outcomes. What has happened and what has not happened YET, unless there is drastic change.
SR is a community, a Group....so you are here with a whole GROUP of support and experience, strength and hope.
mucho hugs!
live
&
Since he knows the relationship is breaking down this is a very dangerous time for you. He might be nice right now but it will not last. This is simply a part of the cycle and tension will begin to build once again. Just like drug addiction and alcoholism, abuse always escalates so you have to be prepared.
you have been witnessing and feeling his tension and anger growing. It is strongly possible, probably likely....that when this blows up, it will be directed at and toward you.
He has been sleeping separately up until this week, now he is showing you he has his place with you by returning to your bed....unwanted and he knows you don't want him there. You should feel uncomfortable with this, just as you have.
He is telling you how it is going to be. All this is tactic. None of it is true. He is saying one thing and thinking another. And what he says is a diversion from what he will actually do...except perhaps the threats, either direct or implied.
He is threatening you with loss of financial support and with financial loss.
You have said and he knows that hurting your animals is a way to hurt you...this is a strike by proxy, that he hit the animal again last night. In a way, he HAS just hit you.
If this doesn't get you "back in line" or even if it did, the outlet for this tension and anger is YOU. If not to control you, then to punish you and make sure you know he is the one in control.
Have you discounted what his X-Wife told you?
As in al-anon (and AA) there are predictable and likely outcomes. What has happened and what has not happened YET, unless there is drastic change.
SR is a community, a Group....so you are here with a whole GROUP of support and experience, strength and hope.
mucho hugs!
live
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
okay so... I called the DV hotline just now. They gave me a number for an ANIMAL SHELTER that takes furry children, and another shelter that takes human clients. I can't believe this, but I'm getting between SR, Live-SR, and my parents that I should probably go. S**T. This is huge stuff! I'm going to go pack a few things while AH is out. Please come back with comments. Guess I'm looking for confirmation that I'm about to do the right thing.
HUGS! -Tig
HUGS! -Tig
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Can you also not got to your place of work tomorrow, or have someone take you there? etc?
You are in good hands with the DV place.
I am breathing a sigh of relief.
Or will when you let us know you have left.
You are in good hands with the DV place.
I am breathing a sigh of relief.
Or will when you let us know you have left.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I had these very same thoughts when I was pulling away from my XABF. It is what kept me from having the "Big Talk" about separating with him. I feared he would get agitated and physical with me, though he had never struck me in the past.
I discovered and even posted about it that when I began to detach from him so did the pets. They would spend little time with him and would even leave the room when he entered it. If I was bothered or upset by his behavior they often got closer to me or started getting fussy and wanted my attention. They would not settle down until we were alone in a room away from him.
Some here suggested they might have been reading my mood and energy and were acting in a protective way or in a stressed way based on my vibe. They also suggested that my XABF might have been reading their detachment from him in the same way he was reading my detachment and was acting out angrily towards them because of it.
Looking back now after reading your posts, I realize I was right to have concern over his behavior. At the very least, we were treading on unchartered ground in our relationship, and I could not predict how he would react to my recovery progressing or our separation, which I felt was inevitable.
While there is no need to awfulize and imagine the absolute worst case scenario and make yourself sick with worry, I agree that being aware, having a plan, and keeping in touch every day with folks who care about you is sound advice. It helped me immensly and even helped my family worry a little less since they lived hours away and could not be there with me.
The quote on my mind today is:
No matter how dark the moment, love and hope are always possible ~ George Chakiris
Take care of you. You are doing great!!
Alice
I discovered and even posted about it that when I began to detach from him so did the pets. They would spend little time with him and would even leave the room when he entered it. If I was bothered or upset by his behavior they often got closer to me or started getting fussy and wanted my attention. They would not settle down until we were alone in a room away from him.
Some here suggested they might have been reading my mood and energy and were acting in a protective way or in a stressed way based on my vibe. They also suggested that my XABF might have been reading their detachment from him in the same way he was reading my detachment and was acting out angrily towards them because of it.
Looking back now after reading your posts, I realize I was right to have concern over his behavior. At the very least, we were treading on unchartered ground in our relationship, and I could not predict how he would react to my recovery progressing or our separation, which I felt was inevitable.
While there is no need to awfulize and imagine the absolute worst case scenario and make yourself sick with worry, I agree that being aware, having a plan, and keeping in touch every day with folks who care about you is sound advice. It helped me immensly and even helped my family worry a little less since they lived hours away and could not be there with me.
The quote on my mind today is:
No matter how dark the moment, love and hope are always possible ~ George Chakiris
Take care of you. You are doing great!!
Alice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
S***T - I just called the DV number to let them know i was coming, and they said they had to interview me, and i got the distince impression that she thought since I wasnt' being hit, I wasn't in immediate danger. I called her on that, and she said that wasn't what she was saying at all. SH**. I hung up on her.
I've packed a bag and have it in the car. No clue what's in it. I'm going to get a handle on my emotions and plan to get out later tonight. I keep being afraid I'll be on the phone with somebody and he'll come home.
Both guns are out of my house, by the way.
What the H&*** was wrong with that woman???
Any why isn't AH coming home? is he out getting plowed and angry? He's never done that, but he doesn't usually go away for this long a time.
Okay. Breathing. Peace in, fear out. Peace in. fear out. God has me in His hands and will neither leave me nor forsake me. I'll leave tonight when he's passed out. Or maybe now. I don't know. Oh God help me. He's home.
I've packed a bag and have it in the car. No clue what's in it. I'm going to get a handle on my emotions and plan to get out later tonight. I keep being afraid I'll be on the phone with somebody and he'll come home.
Both guns are out of my house, by the way.
What the H&*** was wrong with that woman???
Any why isn't AH coming home? is he out getting plowed and angry? He's never done that, but he doesn't usually go away for this long a time.
Okay. Breathing. Peace in, fear out. Peace in. fear out. God has me in His hands and will neither leave me nor forsake me. I'll leave tonight when he's passed out. Or maybe now. I don't know. Oh God help me. He's home.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
There are numerous shelters around you....
I do not know which one you talked to....
but anywhere safe is better than this, right?
We can safely work out all this after you have safely left.
Leave.
If he comes home right now, he is going to see your fear and he feeds on it.
Go ahead, Sarah, leave now. Now before he really does come home.
Get on with it, quickly now.
You will be okay, this is the hardest part,
you are almost free.
I do not know which one you talked to....
but anywhere safe is better than this, right?
We can safely work out all this after you have safely left.
Leave.
If he comes home right now, he is going to see your fear and he feeds on it.
Go ahead, Sarah, leave now. Now before he really does come home.
Get on with it, quickly now.
You will be okay, this is the hardest part,
you are almost free.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I"m so glad you're here and posting and getting support from these wise wonderful folks.
And this really helps me, to read the ongoing status, how you're dealing with things, etc. If we're suppose to be journaling instead of blow by blow threads, I'm the lead offender!
Hugs wonderful woman--keep taking care of yourself first and foremost!
Folks, I hope you don't get sick and tired of the blow by blow. I don't journal, perhaps I should, SR is the place I get to put things down. Plus, journals don't offer feedback.
Hugs wonderful woman--keep taking care of yourself first and foremost!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I am on the phone with Tigger...she has asked me to tell you that she has left the house. She passed her husband on the way home as she left. WHEW!!!!!
She is out safely....and putting together her plan.
She is out safely....and putting together her plan.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Tigger has asked me to tell you all that she has found a safe place. She has successfully contacted helpful DV resources. She is feeling much better and is okay.
The DV people, from my experience, will be able to assist her with the next steps according to her needs.
I am sure she will be back as soon as she is able to talk with you.
She has said she is so very grateful to each of you for all your help, support and prayers....and for watching over her here.
I am going to have a hot cup of calming chamomille tea.
And one for David too. He was on the phone and the computer, as well, with Tigger.
Eat some brownies and watch something EXCITING on tv. LOL
The DV people, from my experience, will be able to assist her with the next steps according to her needs.
I am sure she will be back as soon as she is able to talk with you.
She has said she is so very grateful to each of you for all your help, support and prayers....and for watching over her here.
I am going to have a hot cup of calming chamomille tea.
And one for David too. He was on the phone and the computer, as well, with Tigger.
Eat some brownies and watch something EXCITING on tv. LOL
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
That is just incredible -- thank God you had contact with her, Live... I'd be worried sick.
I'm SO relieved that she made that decision because I think it was a very, very good one. Thank all of you for supporting Tigger.
Tigger - I'm so gald you're safe. So very glad.
I'm SO relieved that she made that decision because I think it was a very, very good one. Thank all of you for supporting Tigger.
Tigger - I'm so gald you're safe. So very glad.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by tigger11 
S***T - I just called the DV number to let them know i was coming, and they said they had to interview me, and i got the distince impression that she thought since I wasnt' being hit, I wasn't in immediate danger. I called her on that, and she said that wasn't what she was saying at all. SH**. I hung up on her.
What the H&*** was wrong with that woman???
What the H&*** was wrong with that woman???
The interview is also to verify that you are an appropriate client for the shelter. Many times we have people calling that actually LIE about being battered because they want shelter for the night, or weekend or whatever. Maybe their parents kicked them out, or maybe they didn't pay their rent, etc. Homeless people that don't want to stay in the homeless shelter will also make up stories. DV shelters are reserved for DV victims and we are at 97-100% capacity most of the time. The interview helps to validate your 'story'.
Tig - I'm just glad you're safe now. Keep us posted as you can, please. XOXO
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
TJP
In the county I live in, the domestic violence shelter told me they could not take me in because there was no paper trail. I needed to have either called the police or filed a ppo.
I know that is probably due to budget contraints, but I felt like I had called suicide hotline and been told, sorry can't help ya.
I did spend a great deal of time on the phone with the national dv hotline, though and she said an amazing thing to me, somethng that changed the dynamic between AH and me.
I asked, how did this happen to me? I'm normally so strong.
She said, somewhere along the way you lost your boundaries.
So I looked back over the past 6 months with my AH and she was right. when he would rage or get angry or threaten to leave me, I would cry. I stopped standing up for myself.
I was so emotionally beaten. What a sad sick place to live in.
After that I started standing up, physically, when he raised his voice or got agitatted and said, "that's enough. You are not treating me this way."
it worked. I guess my AH isn't the type to freak out when challenged. He had been passive aggressive for the duration of our marriage, but it escalated into emotional and verbal abuse.
I was exhausted and scared, but after speaking to that woman, I learned how to hold my space with him and get out.
In the county I live in, the domestic violence shelter told me they could not take me in because there was no paper trail. I needed to have either called the police or filed a ppo.
I know that is probably due to budget contraints, but I felt like I had called suicide hotline and been told, sorry can't help ya.
I did spend a great deal of time on the phone with the national dv hotline, though and she said an amazing thing to me, somethng that changed the dynamic between AH and me.
I asked, how did this happen to me? I'm normally so strong.
She said, somewhere along the way you lost your boundaries.
So I looked back over the past 6 months with my AH and she was right. when he would rage or get angry or threaten to leave me, I would cry. I stopped standing up for myself.
I was so emotionally beaten. What a sad sick place to live in.
After that I started standing up, physically, when he raised his voice or got agitatted and said, "that's enough. You are not treating me this way."
it worked. I guess my AH isn't the type to freak out when challenged. He had been passive aggressive for the duration of our marriage, but it escalated into emotional and verbal abuse.
I was exhausted and scared, but after speaking to that woman, I learned how to hold my space with him and get out.
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