He's not leaving, I'm a wuss

Old 11-06-2009, 02:25 PM
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Dictated by David:

"I disavow any knowledge or participation in this activity as it may threaten my man's club status."
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Old 11-06-2009, 07:52 PM
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Tell David to go find something out of his chick flick selection LOL!

Folks, I hope you don't get sick and tired of the blow by blow. I don't journal, perhaps I should, SR is the place I get to put things down. Plus, journals don't offer feedback.

AH just sat down calmly and said he'll do the quit claim after the divorce, and that he'll do the divorce before moving to TX. Huh. If he's being honest, great! A girl can hope for a moment, can't she?

Not that I care, but I've been noticing lately that he's nicer on beer, and nastier on hard liquor. The last few days have been beer. Whatev.
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Old 11-06-2009, 08:01 PM
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Originally Posted by liveweyerd View Post
Dictated by David:

"I disavow any knowledge or participation in this activity as it may threaten my man's club status."
:rotfxko
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Old 11-06-2009, 08:55 PM
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Stop the presses!
Holy cow....I was reading through stickies and found something incredibly important that I did not know existed.
I myself am flabbergasted. Totally.
It has what I have been looking for...for years in it and I did not know anything about it....and all the research etc, reading I have done. I am blown out.
BUT: it explains why al-anon and codependent treatment and domestic violence/abuse treatment is incompatible.
THIS IS A MUST READ!
I will go and get it. I did learn how to do that today. (so David can appear to stay out of it LOL)
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Old 11-06-2009, 09:10 PM
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http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-partners.html


Now I am kind of freaked out.

i haven't read through all of them yet...there are way more than the last time I had looked....but it does include how to cover your tracks on the computer and all sorts of truly important stuff
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Old 11-07-2009, 08:05 AM
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How is it going today Tigger?
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Old 11-07-2009, 07:12 PM
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Sorry guys. Please refer to Live if you're concerned . I check in with her at least a couple of times a day. She's my lifeline to some semblance of sanity.

First thing this morning was my Saturday Alanon. It's a very positive place, and I like it. Of course I wept uncontrollably, and had to hang out in the bathroom for a while. I keep all those tears inside... they can't come out at work or at home. Let one nice person speak to me and I'm a fountain. Sheesh.

Then to get my hair colored and cut rather short, which was an adventure for me. Then to Bass Pro with my 16 y/o son. On the way back from dropping him off, I stopped at an old friend and neighbor who asked where the heck I'd been, so I explained the no-friend policy I've been living under. Can't wait to spend time with her after this is all over.

Almost felt normal by the time I got home. And of course, Mr. Drama was waiting. He says he wants off the mortgage, so either refinance or sell, but of course you can't afford it, but that's up to you. I wish I'd never met you. I have to take care of myself, nobody else will. Quack quack quack. Sarah responds; okay, uh huh and sorry. Yah, he's sorry too, that he ever met me. Ad nauseam.

Then later. "Oh... by the way... I'm working on getting a place in TX and it might take through the end of the year"... and he is so graciously paying the last payment on my car, but I'd better take care of the insurance... I can get liability only if I want to, but if you get into an accident... but that's up to you.

Then... get this... we hardly hang out together except the last two days he's been out of his little closet (kind of a double entandre, eh?) so he can emotionally torture me. So I took some DVD's out and the one that came up out of all 5 that went into the DVD player? Sleeping with the Enemy with Julia Roberts about a woman who escapes from a physically abusive husband. I've always felt that movie was scary, but NOW, relating to the underlying emotional abuse... it fairly freaked me out. He just went to bed to pass out, and I turned it off as fast as my little fingers could hit the remote control buttons. I'm really bad about movies... I entirely engross myself in them.

So I'm in a bit of a funk tonight. Here I am scrubbing my computer (software wise) every time I use it, and keeping a broom handle by my bed at night, and trudging through every day wishing he would leave and hoping his emotional abuse doesn't turn physical, and hoping I'm worrying needlessly, but never knowing.

Baby I'm stressed.

What should I do?

A couple of people have said my posts are somehow inspirational but dang, I haven't a single positive thing to say, or direction to go more than I'm doing... Can I get him out? Am I safe? What do people do in this situation?

So very sorry to disappoint the inspired among us. One day my story will be better, and I'll inspire as often as possible, as will so many of us who are now struggling. As do the amazing, wonderful people who care for us every minute of every day on this site.

Blessings and Love! Tig
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Old 11-07-2009, 08:12 PM
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Please review this domestic violence SAFETY PLAN and never never hesitate to call the police if you are feeling threatened!!
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Old 11-07-2009, 08:24 PM
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Hi TJP... thanks, but I can't seem to get any links to appear tonight. I was trying to look at stickies, but all the links I click on tonight just come up as blank pages. I think I've read this one before. It's got stuff about packing a bag and leaving it in the car and having money and all that, and calling the police. What I'm looking for is how to get him out instead of staying. He keeps saying he's going to leave, I've responded by saying there's no need to postpone it, which is all I have the courage to say fearing anger. But he keeps not leaving. How do I get him to leave?

Would it do me any good to go to the police station, or call and say I'm afraid of him, and give them my address and ask that if my phone number pops up to come immediately?

Or am I just weary and overreacting?
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Old 11-07-2009, 09:09 PM
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WOW!
Hey, what a wonderful group of precious people we have, huh?
Someone will always be here...if not immediately, then soon.
Is your counselor a DV counselor?
She can help you tailor your plans to your situation and give you personal support,
in addition to what all of here have available.
If you do not have a DV counselor, call and get one.
You should be able to get one for free.
You need someone who specializes in this.
And we will be bringing more resources to you and providing others.
We do understand the stress you are under. And the isolation.
I do want to caution to you to keep things under your hat.
He can manipulate others to get information from them and will propagandize you and a bunch of people. And no one will be able to discern the truth. He will insert enough truth to make it totally believable and lie and distort at the same time.
He is going to make all of this as difficult as he possibly can and on many fronts at the same time.
He has been messing with you the whole time and he is now.
The difference is he had a set of tactics that were working, now he is switching and mixing tactics and manuevers. The ante is going up.
tjp is right.
The first and foremost thing is to have your safety plan.
I haven't read that link but I am sure it is good information.
Have a couple people you trust and who won't/can't be coerced into giving him information a set of phone signals...like a codeword, or codewords.
One for a distress signal that he won't even know is going out.
Possibly others that fit with your plans, needs and your situation.
You know, like the Homeland Security threat level ratings? wry smile.
He is a terrorist.
I had a system of check ins.
Certain people would know that if I didn't phone by a given set day and time, that something is wrong. It was constantly changed and updated according to my needs and what I was able to do at the time.
He is abusive. He has been abusing you. He is going to abuse you more. Abuse escalates.
He IS unpredictable.
At the same time, he is your abuser and you know him best.
I need to attend to some things.
I will get back to you.
Breathe and stay rational.
You are doing great.
Would you normally ask him if he likes your haircut?
Did you act as if nothing has changed in you?
At least nothing that he perceives as threatening?
This is not a normal, healthy way to live but they are self-protective, survival behaviors that you need until you are safely freed to drop them and discard them.
You have adapted to what you need to keep your self safe as best you know how.
That is the purpose that they serve.
However you cannot stop him from abusing you with these behaviors,
he is going to be abusive because that is what he does.
you cannot change that. You cannot really control it.
you can have a safety plan for emergencies and you can plan to safely leave.
Yes, he has changed his behavior for the last few days.
That is a signal.
He is exerting control and will try to maintain complete power over you.
hugs and love,
live
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Old 11-07-2009, 09:11 PM
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Hello tigger, and pleased to "meet" you

Originally Posted by tigger11 View Post
... What I'm looking for is how to get him out instead of staying. ...
Or am I just weary and overreacting?
No, you're not overeacting. Not at all. And it's perfectly fine to feel weary, you _do_ have an awful lot to deal with.

Getting _him_ out of your house is going to depend on the laws in your particular state. They're all different. The best way to find out is to call the local experts that know all about the laws in your state. They can tell you exactly what you need to do, and they can also help you make that plan that you mentioned you're not sure how to do.

Here's the National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1-800-799-7233

and here's the list for Missouri
Divorce Source: Missouri Domestic Violence Shelters

As far as going to the police, there's several rules you can follow:

1- If you are afraid that he is going to hurt you right now, do _not_ go to the police. Dial 911 right now.

2- If he has already hurt you in the past, call the domestic violence hotline and they will help you with the police. They can tell you which forms to fill out, how to fill them out if you need to they will even go with you. Since you said you have a counselor it might be helpful if you got the counselor to go with you as well. The domestic violence people can help you figure that out too.

3- If has never hurt you in the past, but you are afraid he might in the future, then also call the domestic violence hotline. The reason is that different states have different procedures and it can really be overwhelming. In some places the police are way under budget, over worked and they might not have a community relations person available to help you.

So start at #1 and see if that applies to you right now. If it doesn't, then do #2. And if #2 is not correct for you then just do #3 and you'll get it all taken care of.

Whichever one you decide to do, or if you decide to do nothing, just come on back here and lets us know how you're doing. You've got a _lot_ of people her on SR that care about you and are praying for you.

Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery
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Old 11-07-2009, 09:11 PM
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Put your emergency numbers on speed dial if you use that or can.
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Old 11-07-2009, 09:14 PM
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WOW
Thanks Mike!
You know, this site saved my life.
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Old 11-08-2009, 03:44 AM
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Mike,

THANK YOU !!!

#3 applies to me at the moment. So I'll call DV hotline when i have a private non ah moment.

May I suggest that your post, Mike, be made a Sticky? It's THAT good with 3 quick, easy suggestions. Some of the stickies are so long and hard to plough through.

LOL - I just replace his number on my speed dial with the DV hotline.

Thank you Mike, Live, SR! SR has already saved my sanity and changed my life for the WAY better! And I've got far more to look forward to!
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Old 11-08-2009, 04:01 AM
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Awesome advice, you guys!

I just want to reiterate that you must put your SAFETY FIRST. Things are just things and they can be replaced.

Since he knows the relationship is breaking down this is a very dangerous time for you. He might be nice right now but it will not last. This is simply a part of the cycle and tension will begin to build once again. Just like drug addiction and alcoholism, abuse always escalates so you have to be prepared.

I strongly suggest that you lay low until you can talk to a DV counselor. Please call the national hotline and they will refer you to a womens center in your area. Be careful to erase these numbers from your call logs.


􏰀 Stay away from the kitchen (the abuser can find weapons, such as knives, there)
􏰀 Stay away from bathrooms, closets or small spaces where the abuser can trap you
􏰀 Get to a room with a door or window to escape
􏰀 Get to a room with a phone to call for help; lock the abuser outside if you can
􏰀 Keep a phone in a room you can lock from the inside; if you can, get a cellular phone that you keep with you at all times
􏰀 Call 911 (or your local emergency number) right away for help; get the dispatcher's name; DO NOT HESITATE TO CALL 911 if you feel threatened in any way.
􏰀 Think about a neighbor or friend you can run to for help
􏰀 If a police officer comes, tell him/her what happened; get his/her name & badge number
· · · · ·

􏰀 Get medical help if you are hurt
􏰀 Take pictures of bruises or injuries
􏰀 Call a domestic violence program or shelter phone numbers
􏰀 If the abuser has moved out, change the locks on your door; get locks on the windows
􏰀 Plan an escape route out of your home; teach it to your children
􏰀 Think about where you would go if you need to escape
􏰀 Ask your neighbors to call the police if they see the abuser at your house; make a signal for them to call the police, for example, if the phone rings twice, a shade is pulled down or a light is on
􏰀 Pack a bag with important things you'd need if you had to leave quickly; put it in a safe place, or give it to a friend or relative you trust
􏰀 Include cash, car keys & important information such as: court papers, passport or birth
certificates, medical records & medicines, immigration papers
􏰀 Keep a cell phone & program it to 911 (or other emergency number)
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Old 11-08-2009, 04:24 AM
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Dear ones... I'm not sure if I've given the wrong impression here, but I have not been physically abused. Emotionally abused, yes, as have most of the rest of us here on F/F. I'm simply on alert since we've established that he has the potential for violence (I've witnessed him beat the dog 2x, last night he smacked her on the face. again.) He's WAY off balance mentally, add daily alcohol to the point of passing out, and we have a definate hazard.

There are moments when I feel less safe than others. Last night was one of them. His anger and verbal abuse were so high.

Just wanted you guys to know... there are no bruises to take pix of.

HUGS!
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Old 11-08-2009, 05:43 AM
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Oh, I understand that, Tigger. This is JUST IN CASE, ok? Just something for you to keep in the back of your mind. Just want you to be safe. (((Hugs)))
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Old 11-08-2009, 06:03 AM
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Hey tigger,

Glad you are here this morning. I've been keeping you in thought and prayer. I have not been posting much lately. As the analogy goes: Flight attendants teach us to put on our own oxygen masks before we help others and we in recovery should do the same. I've been clinging to my oxygen mask most of this week. Today is much better!

Just a fun fact: I'm on FB (thanks to my children) and I'm a farmville farmer level 14. Congrats on your level 21!

Your AH popped the pup again, eh? Is there anywhere you can stay for a few days/weeks with your furbies?

Getting in touch with DV will hopefully open up options for you that you otherwise wouldn't know about.

Keep us posted, we care about you!
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Old 11-08-2009, 08:59 AM
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Hey Yellow... I mean Pel. Thank you! We're not farmville neighbors, are we?

There are one or two places I could stay, but nobody wants an in your face OCD labradoodle, a crazy tom kitten, and Huck my bishon/poo buddy. It may sound crazy, but it's one of the reasons I'm not taking the "leave" option. I CANNOT, unless my life is in imminent danger, leave my babies. Some of you out there are probably thinking DAH that's stupid. But these guys are like children to me. If I came home to a bloody, dead Huck, or Dakota or Oliver, I'd fall a freakin' part. I can't even walk Dakota on a leash, she's too strong for me. She's "his" dog, but I love her crazy self anyway.

Of course, I've been considering taking a leave from my job, hopping in my Xterra with the three babies, and heading for Mom's in FL. Not that she could handle the babies, but I'd figure something out when I got there. Crazy, desperate thoughts.

Love you, Pel! Thanks TPJ. Thanks all for holding me up in your thoughts and prayers! I wouldn't make it without it! Please pray that something comes up and he leaves soon. Like NOW. Like RIGHT NOW! K?
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Old 11-08-2009, 09:23 AM
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From my own personal experience in being with two physically abusive partners, abusing an animal is a huge indicator you may very well be next.
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