tigger11

Oh Liveweyerd, you are the most amazing person. You give me way too much credit. If I could right now, I'd give you the hugest hug in person, and then ask if we could stay up all night and talk. Bless you, Lady!

I wholeheartedly agree that AH is emotionally abusive, with rings on his fingers and bells on his toes. I did NOT know about PTSD as a result (actually had to look PTSD up, and will read more about it). Holy cow, I thought that was only something returning soldiers and rape victims suffered from.

*** Subject change *** Update ***

Tonight was my 4th Alanon meeting. Good one. Did I tell you all I have a sponsor? Dear woman 65ish (maybe older, but I wouldn't want to insult her ) with whom I'll start the steps and traditions on Monday. She's direct, funny, serious.

I came home from work this evening. Told AH I was going to an Alanon meeting. He said something along the lines of that if I'm going to hang out with my new f***-ing friends, he was going to leave (as in move out). I said; "Okay. When?" He said; "whenever you want me to." (OMG we're going to start that again.) I said; "If you're going to move out, I don't see any reason to postpone it." He said he'd move out tomorrow. But then threw in the caveat; IF the extended stay hotel had an opening.

YOUR PRAYERS GAVE ME COURAGE TO SAY THAT (postpone thing)!

Please pray that he means it this time, and that he will move out, and that he won't try to come back.

Also, if I may so impose, would you please pray for him that he decides he needs help and gets in the program. This is not to say that I hope for him to return all healed and wonderful, because I don't. From reading SR posts, the likelihood of that is small. But for him, because I have loved him the way I thought he was, and the way he perhaps could be, and because he's a fellow human being, I'd love it if he could go this route.

That's all for now. (((SR FAMILY)))

transformyself

Tigger Darling
I"m sending up prayers for YOU.
For you to be strong and peaceful and happy, no matter what the outcome between you and AH.
And prayers for your new sponsor to say exactly what you need to hear.
And for your AH to find what he needs to heal as well.

Live

Tigger,

Big hugs back at ya. We can be a mutual admiration society! LOL

I really have a burden for you, if I can be so honest. I see things that truly frighten me.

You do have that book by Lundy Bancroft don't you??? Please do read it thoroughly. This forum is usually live and let live and we don't direct one another. I am afraid you are in a more dangerous situation than you fully realize, that is why I am being so adamant and asking you to read that book. You need that information.

I wonder if you would pm me what his x said?

I really, really hope it is that civilized...that he will move out and go on without a bunch of fuss. I do not know him. I do not know his patterns. But I can guess at the two most likely scenarios.
Just know that you cannot trust this man who has done everything he can to convince you that your own mind is so unstable that you might have been in a porn movie and etc and etc and actually manage to confuse you about it.

Please have some healthy distrust about any and all things he has just said to you.

I will be up for a long while tonight. I have forgotten again to refill my scrip without which I cannot sleep. I will gather my thoughts and some information and referrals for you.
As is often said here (and I do not abide by, but that doesn't make it any less true), hope and pray for the best, prepare for the worst.

I am very happy that you spoke up and acted on truth! You should be so very proud of yourself, that is so daggoned hard to actually do!

He may punish you for your courage. He may try to get you back into line. He will probably carry on with this line that he is leaving you up until it actually comes down to it and you haven't caved in. Then, he may actually go. Whew! OR he may totally switch manuevers and give you a bad surprise. I don't know how he is going to play it out. But this is the time when things are touchiest.

Yes, I will pray for both of you. But he is not seeking help right now and you are, my first concern is that you protect yourself from harm.

Is he drinking tonight?

big hugs, sending you vibes for strength, clarity, peace, and freedom from all harm,

BTW....my name is Tena. I go by live...as in alive

And apparently you do not know it but you are an inspiration to many here.
You are making a difference for the better in others' lives.

live

tigger11

I sent you a PM, but have to go to bed soon, Live.

I'll go back to reading Lundy.

I didn't know this was the most touchy time, but it makes sense.

Me? An inspiration? With all my s**t? If that's true, what will I be like when I get good and healthy? Watch out world. LOL!

Nah, I'm just me. Pretty much plain and simple, with a heart too big for my own good, who's in the beginning of a process of learning some pretty tough lessons for a very good cause.

abcdefg

This is a great thread and I so appreciate the discussion of abuse. I think it's so important that we name it whenever we think it might be at play. Of course, it's up to tigger to determine what's going on for her -- but how can she do that if we don't speak from the heart about what we, who have experience, sense and know?

One of the ways the family disease of alcoholism affected me was that I didn't even know that a lot of behavior I lived with and around was ABUSE. I thought it was normal.

Now I know. And whatever the catalyst for it, I don't deserve it.

So...however this all shakes out for you, tigger, I send you lots of healing prayers.

You're going to be okay. Just keep on keeping on.

Jadmack25

Live, is right about watching out for a few curve balls as he realises he has lost his control over you. As for him just leaving, well maybe he will walk, but I bet he is in contact soon after, either trying to reel you back in or heaping abuse and blame on you for every bit of s**t in his life.

His behavior up to now, and some of his comments are signs to me of a man who will not give in easily, and could easily make getting him out of your life harder than you may ever imagine.

Just please take care, and do not trust him an inch right now.

God bless

tigger11

Sigh. I've called my counselor who is in my local area, and let him know what was going on. He said I'm probably okay. But I'm still good and frightened, based on conversation with a good friend of all of ours. And my sister. I HATE being frightened! It rarely happens. LOL - I'm too naive and happy-go-lucky to be frightened. Bad trait, and odd considering I lived in NY for 11 years. I feel like an emotional hypochondriac. Blah.

So here's the reason for the "sigh". He had a phone interview today for a work-at-home job which he's very positive about, thinks he got the job. So he passed through the living room and said he's going to stay awhile since he's thinking about moving back to TX (watch out those of you in that state LOL-sort of). So I can't figure out how moving to TX at some point equals not moving to a local hotel (which is what he had planned). But I'm loath to say; "get out anyway" without thought and advice.

I'm SO disappointed. I wanted him out today. I'm soooo looking forward to peace in my home. GOD I hate having him here. I'm scared to have him here and scared to insist that he leave.

Again, asking for your prayers, and any suggestions anyone with experience might offer.

Live

This gives you an opportunity to prepare a plan and have it in place
I HATE being frightened also. It is no way to live. And I also tend to just like people and am naive and gullible sometimes.
Well, anywho.....he does not understand that you really mean it.
He is blowing the whole thing off.
Denial.
That is his tactic for today.
You can decide what to do and how you want to do it and when you want to do it.
I think most of us "sensed" as someone aptly said that he would not just gracefully leave.
You will probably need to do that via legal means.
It might be a good time to get your financials separated and protect yourself there.
Have an exit plan ready to go for yourself if you should need it.
Keep your cell phone nearby and handy.
I think there is a list in one of the stickies at the top of Women In Recovery that tells you how to get your business in order.
Take some deep breaths, calm down.
You are in control of you, so that means that you get to make your own choices and decisions to accomplish your freedom and safety in the most effective manner.
HUGE HUGS!
live

Live

PS.....no, he really never planned to leave today.
Ignore everything he says.
What he does is all that counts.

tigger11

Sheesh... he put on a good show of it, with an extended stay reservation that he showed me. I'm such a sucker.

To address your points, my dear.

Cell phone never leaves my side. I plug in when I'm on the computer or in bed, and each time I get up, I take it with.

I'm not really freaking out. Too tired for that. So breathing is good, but I'm okay. Just wishing he'd get the f*** out. Okay, maybe I do need to breath.

I'll go read the stickies (again, not retaining a whole lot these days). Not sure what it means to get him to leave via legal means, but will look for it on stickies. Will also pay attention to the financial stuff. I'd put that off because it seemed secondary to getting him gone. Not so much now, unfortunately.

Make a plan. I keep trying to get my arms around that one. What kind of a plan do I make? I've already started to get together divorce doc. Perhaps make a plan to leave even if he doesn't? A plan to have someone take care of my animals while I go stay with someone? A plan that involves a baseball bat for protection? I'm sorry, I don't mean to be dense, but this seems to allude me. It's the fog I'm in, and I hope not my own denial.

Again you're right. Ignore everything he says. Actions are the only things that matter, and he was never planning to leave. Piece of s***. Sorry. Tig's angry and disappointed. I want my life back. I feel as though I've been fertilized (yah, I've been playing Farmville on FB, and I know it's a s**ty comparison - LOL at myself) but I can't start to grow because the fertilizer is somehow suspended just above the crops that need to grow. That was bad. sorry! Remember, I'm tired and obviously quite punchy.

Gonna quit showing you all just how much of a goof I am. Hugs & Thanks! Tig

Live

I am punchy tired too. My brain is not firing at all right now.

Funny you mention Farmville.
I don't play any games but David plays that one.
I told him that he has a new friend to farm with.
That's my sweetie.
Found him after I had decided there were no good guys and decided I didn't want one. LOL
you are near my home stomping grounds!
My folks live near Effingham IL and I spent my married raising kids days 3 hours east in Southern IN. That is where my daughter, her husband and two grandsons are.
Be warned we have a travel trailer and are going to get itchy to use it! LOL
I just asked David if he had ever been up in the arch!
Nerds, I am on the laptop in the LR and he is on his faster desktop in the adjacent bedroom.
I can go look up the "plan" for you.
It is a list of what to do.
First thing that comes to mind, is a very common nasty trick where when he senses
you might not be going along with his plan is to wipe out the bank accounts.
So, I suggest some online banking and transferring funds...but time it right so that it doesn't tip him off and start something nasty ugly you are not prepared for.
Sometimes being a ditz is quite helpful to me!
Why ditzy you was scared he was going to leave, cry...whatever it takes...if he should notice the money exchange.
Or maybe wait until later.
Right now, he is in control and clueless.
That is in your favor.
I am sorry to say "The War of the Roses" was not just a movie.
another day in Paradise LOL
David wants to know what level you are in on Farmville.
He just started up with it very recently.
He sits there and does that and thinks about physics.
It's all over my head!

tigger11

LOL - private email me his friendship information, and we'll be neighbors, if he wants to. I'm level 21. My father is a retired physicist. Small world.

Just give me some time after AH leaves to clean up the disaster that is my home, and my door will always be open to YOU! Now YOU be forewarned. You'll need the travel trailer. Never before has there ever been a smaller 1000 sq. ft. house. It's right around the corner from the nice house my x still lives in on 3 acres that I bought and paid for while he stayed home being a "stay home dad" for 15 years drinking his fool head off. Whine. Grump.

At the moment I'm not worried about finances. Not that I'm rolling in dough... OH NO. Just that my dwindling 401k never was put in his name, and we have no savings. I opened a bank account last week and have my pay going directly there. He has savings of his own which I have access to, but it's not mine, so I'll leave it alone. The only thing that gives me pause is the mind blowing credit card debt. When people say they have lots of debt and say 10k or 30k, I think they're LUCKY! Not that I'm an angel, but I hate using credit cards. I hate having that debt. He ran the vast majority of it up.

Hugs!

Live

Dang, he is a slick one...with the reservation and all!
Shows you his game is FOR REAL, eh?
These are head games, but he isn't just playing. You know that, right?

At the top of the Women In Recovery Forum...the last one by Minnie has a detailed list of exactly what to do.
Above it is a short "Practical Tips" of things you might consider...but this one is for communicating about it while in it, which I am pretty sure is not a good idea for you,
but it may contain some things to think about that the primary one "Tips for Leaving An Abuser" does not have. Not sure. But it won't take much time to scan it. Altho', thinking as I type, the practical tips might apply if you really think it can be arranged for him to leave.
Otherwise, usually you would have to file the divorce papers and he would be served and given 10 days to leave. You do not want to be there for those fireworks.
He is cagey. You don't have enough to get a restraining order to get him to leave.
Very important that you go over all of it fully with an attorney, as laws vary widely by State.
I, myself, am a bit paranoid...or that's what my shrink told me...and then all of the things I predicted HAPPENED PLUS way more scummy things that I could never have imagined, so anyway, I, personally, would additionally look up the pertinent State Statutes online and read them myself. Divorce is Civil Law. Domestic Violence is Criminal.
"Over-prepared" is no longer in my vocabulary. And that was the first divorce that was supposedly agreed between us and going to be "civil"
The abusive man that damned near killed me unexpectedly (DUH!) had experience, like yours does. He violated the restraining orders for sport but they can't arrest him if they don't catch him there. That is easy to get away with. So basically, in all honesty you may really need one or it may provoke him. Your call. You know him best.
Several of us have been terrorized and stalked.
I was afraid to sit in the dining room chair across from the street window, as I kept imaging him with a crossbow putting a part in my hair. Silly me, that would leave evidence! But he was there, more than once. I kept a bodyguard with me at all times except for when I was at work for 4 months. Women have been beaten and kidnapped.
Some of them tire of it soon enough, others never give it up. Mine was one of the never give up. Even after he had other women living with him. The usual is tho' that they quit when they hook up with the next victim/woman.
You don't have to be a victim.
You are aware and informed. You can make decisions intelligently and protect yourself and be proactive.
As noted, do not leave any evidence of your plans or where you will be.
I don't think I saw it in there, but I would also change my travel routes to work, the grocery I used etc. etc. etc. Change your patterns when it is time. Don't make yourself an easy target.
I know I am hogging the thread but I want to get this info out to any and all who need it.
Get all weapons out of the house.
Disabling or breaking the phones is very, very cliche. May even unhook the house phone line out at the pole or where it connects to the house.
Do not make a call for help within his reach of the phone, you won't have time, remove yourself. But do call 911 immediately if situation becomes threatening, you do not have time to hesitate....or see how it goes...or try to talk him down...anything can happen in seconds.
Beef up on some self-defense techniques for women. If needed, pm me...I have access personally to an expert.
Big hugs,
live
Your Safety First. Number ONE RULE.

Live

Crap! The credit cards! My first X ran ours up when I was opposed to even having them. I had all ready bailed us out of a bad business investment and just started socking money away. I lost all monies and got equally stuck with the debt.

I don't think I would let that happen to me again.
I would transfer all his savings to pay off the debts right about the time he is getting served papers.

There are other things you will need to do to protect yourself from him running you up crazy in debt at the last minute on those cards.
I know there are others out there who know how to handle this.....
HELP PLEASE?????

And keep erasing your history, k?
The last thing you want is for him to find you here!

tigger11

Live - you're a wonder! Again, I'm soaking up all your posts as though I've been in the desert for years without water.

Here ya go, SR friends... the link to the post Live refered to.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...red-flags.html

tigger11

Oh, and BTW... there's this huge travel trailer that just pulled up and parked in my driveway. I wish!

LaTeeDa

I don't know the laws of your state, but in my state (CA) much depends on the actual filing date of the divorce. Once you file, you have a certain amount of financial protection because there is an official case, and things that happen after the official filing date can be considered to be "his" and "yours," rather than "ours." This includes debt. That's only as far as the court is concerned, though. The credit card companies can still come after either or both of you if both names are on the account.

I think the only way to stop further damage from being done is to close accounts.

L

Live

LOL Tigger....I like that site!
But no, the ones I am referring to are in the Women In Recovery stickies and they are under abuse, emotional, something like that and within that sticky there are 4 different threads. Too bad I am computer illeterate. I think David can do it.

tigger11

Woops. Would you please get David to do it? I searched and search and came up with zip apparently. Thanks! sorry, didn't even read those, just saw it was a list and it was Minnie. I really should take a nap.

Live

Here you go...and btw...he didn't look because it is women's only:

Practical Tips -
Some practical tips - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information


Tips on leaving an abusive relationship - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information