tigger11

AH started; 1) talking to me last night, 2) talking civilly to me last night.

This is 3 days before he's supposed to move out.

I knew this was likely to happen, and told myself I'd tell him that he has to leave when it did, but now I'm wussing out.

You'll all tell me that I'll tell him when I'm ready. And I know you're right. I just wish he'd leave and I wouldn't have to tell him to. I'm PO'd at myself for being a wuss. I so badly want him to leave. There's no hope for him or us, and there's no point in his staying.

I'm just so tired, I barely have the strength to make it through each day, or write this post, much less go through emotion of telling him to leave.

Pray for strength for me please SR family.

LaTeeDa

Isn't it ironic that the very situation we don't have the strength or energy to get out of is the very situation that saps all our strength and energy?

When the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing, we change.

L

PHIZ007

I am thinking of you and can totally relate to your post. My AH knows that I am planning to leave but the nearer it gets the nicer he becomes!....his drinking still comes first though so his pleas are starting to fall on deef ears as I prepare for the inevitable.

I love him very much but no longer choose to stay in the chaos and drama and ups and downs that this dreadful disease brings to our home. It is still going to take me time to organise things but I am on that road.....and hope I have the strength to see it through and not fall into the trap of his manipulation......it is very hard but from what I have read from lots of wonderful people here at SR who are now on the otherside say that the peace and happiness they now feel and live was so worth it. You deserve it! I deserve it!......I am sending you strength Phiz:ghug3

NewMe11109

Tigger - we will respect your decision, but you know what you need to do.

bookwyrm

Sending you courage and strength so you can do what you need to do to get your tigger bounce back!

Live

Tigger,

Yes, actually it was VERY predictable.

The whole "I am leaving you thing" was a power and control tactic. He never meant it for one minute. He just wanted you to believe it. Keeping you confused, throwing you for a loop, off balance keeps you CONFUSED, drained, exhausted. It will keep you so busy in crisis mode, just coping and adjusting to the daily manuevers that you don't get much of a chance to think, see the big picture or do anything other than be yanked around by the manipulation of choice AT THE TIME.
These manuevers will change as you do and especially if you exhibit strength and a mind of your own.
When the things he has used in the past no longer work, he will switch to others. That will send you reeling in shock and surprise and probably hurt too.
Just because we are "on to them" or know what they are doing does not mean that they cannot hurt us. They can. They will. They do.
And I am not talking about alcoholism. I am talking about abuse.
I do not want you to be surprised when he ups the ante.
Because he will.
He is capable of things that you would not believe.
How can I know this?
Unfortunately they are very predictable in certain ways.
You did say that you got the Lundy Bancroft book, right?
That will help you a great deal to understand the inexplicable.
I would like to suggest to you that you discuss this and your possible game plans with your counselor.
I know you have said that previously he has just left and never looked back.
Have you spoken with any of those women, do you really know that is what happened?
I am not challenging you. I am concerned.
Rarely is it that easy to get them to leave. And stay away.
I hope I am all wrong! I hope he does leave. And leaves you alone.
I hope you will protect your well-being as it is being damaged and threatened further.
Sending you a breath of peace and a big, warm hug.

live

transformyself

Girl, you're going to do whatever it is you need to do to get where you need to go. I"ve been doing this dance with my AH for 14 years. Same s*** over and over again. Nothing changed until I left and unshackled myself from him emotionally and physically.


Remember this? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2418059

He has no intention of leaving. You are his soft place to land. Sure, you thought you had had enough. You thought you were going to kick him out and move on without him, but he texted you nasty stuff from the other room, went online to a dating site, and acted like a freaking teenage boy to get back at you.

Now he's contrite and sad and sorry and being good.

This isn't a marriage. You are his mommy.

And it's so predictable. Look at this wisdom from naive

Yep that was me for soooo long.

And you will do what you need to do as well. If you want to keep dancing with him, you can and will. Sometimes I wonder if I'm really really done, but like I told you before, when I look at his hands, there is nothing. The spell is broken.

I think it's because I got away from him, physically, long enough to see the madness and not want it anymore.

Call me anytime.

LaTeeDa

Check this out. Especially Chapter 6 - "It's hard to lose an alcoholic"

Getting Them Sober - Volume 1

L

tigger11

Thank you all (LTD, PHI, ME, Book) as always for your fantastic input and your thoughts and prayers in my direction. They're working!

LW WOW - such good stuff! You're right (as you usually are). I found and called his most recent x this past weekend. LOL it's funny. I was glad to talk to her, and she is a sweetheart, but not in "the program", and in my newly found minimal amount of knowledge, I take anything anybody not in the program says with several grains of salt. Anyway, you're right LW, she said he didn't leave completely when he left. That's his BS, and not truth.

Trans, love the list and your comments.

I'm much more rested today, and am SO thankful for everyone's honest truthful comments! I want to be in a place in my life where I truly want truth and honesty, and as my Mom says; people who call me on my BS (she's program, so is stepdad).

So this morning, armed with rest and a little more strength, I gave AH the preamble to telling him he must leave. It went something like this...

"I agree that we love each other, but the problem is we love a dream, a fairy tale if you will. We love without being able to get along, and that creates insanity in our relationship."

I'd mentioned that we cannot get along, that we just go around in circles repeating the same things and nothing changes, and that we need to do something about it. Told him several times what I was doing, which is; counselor, 2x/wk alanon, 1x/wk sponsor. Then asked him what he was doing. He couldn't/wouldn't answer. Asked me what I thought he should do. I said that I can't tell him what to do. But he kept asking. So I said again, I can't tell you what to do, but I'll tell you what I need. I need a home and life free of the poison of alcohol. He said some BS about why he needs it. I said; that may be, but I can't live that way.

What I didn't say is that he still needs to leave. But I hope the preamble will give me a jump toward telling him to go, and giving him a deadline - a SOON one, or immediate.

Courage is what this cowardly Tigger needs, just like the lion in Wizard of Oz. Please keep praying, the prayers seem to be working. And thank you!

suki44883

I agree whole heartedly with LTD. When you've finally had enough, you will do whatever is necessary to change things for yourself. It will be like a lightbulb will suddenly go off over your head and you'll wonder why on earth you waited so long. Perhaps you need to go through a bit more with him before you reach that point. No one can fault you for that as we all move at our own speed; but, when you have had enough, you'll know.

LaTeeDa

And, just like the lion in the Wizard of Oz, you will find that courage has been within you all along.

L

ItsmeAlice

Hang on Tigger. Courage for me comes in waves. I get the eye of the tiger just before the tears start to roll. It's as though courage takes the most for me to manifest.

I had a preamble that I gave to my XABF in the same way and yet it still never softened the blow of finally saying that I wanted to separate.

In fact when it finally came down it, I said that I thought we had done everything we could to make the relationship into something better but it wasn't going to be anything other than it was. I finally accepted that. I told him there was nothing left to do but separate. It is what it is.

He brought up getting back together a couple of times, but I stuck with the "it is what it is, I can't change things" theme.

I wish you courage and faith!!

Alice

transformyself

Well, my AH told me that he was leaving me for years before I left him. Funny how that works. They don't really want out. They want you to keep your mouth shut, listen to their problems and put up with their BS.

Hey, I think I have PSM..

NewMe11109

Tigger -- One day at a time -- you are doing great!

tigger11

LTD et al,

Just read the link you provided. Getting Them Sober - Volume 1

The whole thing was helpful, in particular the last paragraph:

"You see, once you make these changes, you’ll start to feel so good about yourself that you most likely won’t worry about him leaving you. You will like yourself so much that the “new you” will know she deserves a husband who respects her, likes her and treats her well. And when you begin to believe that and act like you believe it, your husband will very probably treat you that way. I know it’s difficult to believe that now; but it’s true. I know it is – but you have to take a little step of faith and start making some changes – and then you’ll see that it’s true.

God, help me to take my steps by faith and to keep on walking toward the wholeness you have for me."

Hugs!

honoryourself

I don't know, I feel like that last part is saying that as long as you start caring about yourself, there's a good chance you can hope that your AH will become a better person. I feel like that's the opposite of detachment and is still holding on to some hope for change.

Most of the article seemed good but I got mixed feelings from some of it..

tigger11

You're right, Honor. What I took away, as I always seem to lately, is that if I take care of myself, things in my life will get better. If that means something might be possible with AH (or xah, or whatever), then okay. If not, that's okay, too. In any event, I'll be progressing, healing, growing.

transformyself

Well, I certianly believe the first part now, but I had to physically leave AH to get there. And stop hanging out with him. And I kind of don't believe he would ever treat me with the respect I deserve because he's still drinking.

In fact, before I moved out, I got pretty good at drawing boundaries and taking care of myself. I just don't want to ever ever live that way again.

I know you'll get there Girlie. Just keep taking care of yourself. I hope you're getting enough rest, especially...

Live

The biggest and most damaging mistake I made was misunderstanding.
I thought that the issue was alcoholism. And, indeed, that XABF was alcoholic.
What I did not understand was that abusiveness is a separate issue.
I was attributing everything to alcohol.
I think it is Mike who says a car thief is a car thief and one who drinks is a drunken car thief or something to that effect.
When it is physical, you KNOW that it is abuse.
Emotional, psychological abuse is harder to identify and it, by it's nature, in fact one of it's hallmarks is confusion.
It is insiduously and progressively damaging.
I very clearly see power and control issues and that points to more than alcoholism to me.
I had a debate within myself whether I was going to post and say anything.
But you take information, process it so rapidly, that I would rather risk being wrong than not make a point of this. Maybe just for general purposes! If it doesn't fit you, someone else may need to know this clearly. I really wish someone would have spoken to me about this...all those times I went with him (real codie, yep) to AA. I couldn't get to Al-anon, but I read everything I could get my hands on. Did not have the internet at that time either. I had never encountered alcoholism in any form before so I was in so over my head. I didn't know what was what, simply clueless! It was vital that I come to understand that it wasn't just alcoholism....and that took me far too long.
It has caused lasting damage. Amongst other things, the easiest to see is PTSD, which is a very real thing. And you can think you are over it, have dealt with everything including the PTSD, have no symptoms for long periods of time and then, BAM! it hits you and wrecks you.
The constant stress changes the chemical processes in your brain.
We don't even know this is going on until it has all ready happened and produces symptoms.
I know he has not progressed to the levels that I lived with. I guess I just want to be an early warning system for any who need it.
Thank you.
And you are your own miracle, Tigger!
I hope when I grow up, I act on things and information as directly and quickly as you have shown the example of.
hugs,
live

Still Waters

Thanks so much for that liveweyerd, and your other post also. It's so important for us, as family and friends and loved ones of alcoholics and addicts to understand what in the world is going on. And so many times by the time we get here, we're so confused we can't think straight.

We get to this point with so many unanswered questions, or if they've been answered, it's by our A's who put all the blame on us or anywhere but on them.

How can you see the red flags if you don't even know they exist? Knowledge is power, and in this case, it's freedom and sometimes life and death.

Yes yes yes. It doesn't matter if alcoholism is present or not, abuse is abuse.

Yes.

Thank you.