Buffalo66

Am I alone in feeling, after beginning to read this book that I am destined to a life of attracting and taking part in horribly dysfunctional crappy relationships?

I think about cutting him off altogether, and then I weigh the other side, which is true loneliness, or embarking on a whole new relationship...(how will that happen? I am 40 with a 4 year old and a psycho controlling ex?) And when I think of either I just want to die. I just want to give up.

I tell myself that being alone, just me and my son will be enough, that anything is better than that Crazy hair trigger living here, but, I am beginning to feel like maybe I just should be approaching him differently, yadda, yadda...

I mean really, what happens if you just stop doing the Whacko dance? Stop doing the ugly response to the belittling? Stop buying into and playing the game of accept what he says and take it in and use it against yourself?

Has anyone ever tried just positive energy-ing it all away...(Please, insert sarcasm by the loads here), but seriously, In your experiences, if you just do not play the game, and if you do not lose yourself, and you successfully detach while co existing..WHAT HAPPENS? Do they become more aggressively abusive, do they leave, or do they just stop playing the game?

Are there ANY SUCCESS stories? And I mean WITH the other person; I know success often means leaving and moving on, and rising above and healing alone...BUt has anyone successfully detached while staying with an active or recovering drunk?

Hammer

Well, my confession first. I have had CoD No More sitting on the desk about 3 inches from this keyboard for a month, now, and not cracked the cover yet.

So you know where I am [not] coming from. Just needed to qualify that I R not really ready to deal with just anything / everything, yet, either.

I have promised myself I will get to it, but am just trying not to rev up the engines and crash us into the wall (again).

But . . . I sort of think we are doing better (and dare I say, ok? -- like I am afraid I will jinx it). Doing some therapy. Doing the Al-Anon thing. Suppose I should have a sponsor, but I do not and I guess that is ok for now. So I mostly just ask questions (and get good answers) when it comes my turn around the room.

I am more detached -- and that makes me a little sad -- but when I see how much better we are doing, I cannot help but know it is a good thing . . . I guess.

And I am back to praying every night for her. And us. And the kids. And . . . for me, too.

So Thank You, Jesus. Thank you, Al-Anon. Thank you S-R.

Not like you need an affirmation of faith. Could not figure out what folks were talking about when they would that at first. I sort of get it, now.

So to (finally) answer your question. Yeah, I think so. Maybe.

bookwyrm

Your positive energy plan sounds like trying to wrap yourself in denial again - once I woke up to the dance that was my marriage I couldn't just forget! Hope is not a plan...

For me, detachment lead to an escalation in STBXAH's attempts to get me under control. I started trying to detach around a year before he left. During this time he drank even more heavily and emotionally and verbally abused me - this escalated to him throwing things and destroying property. Then he left.

My STBXAH was a control freak for many, many years. My detaching meant he was losing control. It also mean that I started to think more clearly - I started to think for myself and his attempts at manipulation became apparent to me for what they were. Detaching meant I could realise I didn't love the man he had become and that the man he was is long gone. Life is so much better without him. I don't have a child but I'm only younger than you by a year. I've been on my own for over a year now and have yet to feel lonely. I am taking time to let myself heal and work out who I am and what I want in life. I don't want to waste what little time I have on someone who just can't meet my needs.

Finish the book. You don't HAVE to take part in dysfunctional relationships you know! The book helps you to start healing, to become much more self aware and healthy.

Good luck!

Kittyboo

I don't have anything to offer as far as knowledge about what it is like to actually live with an AH. I was just involved with one for the past year and it forced me to hit my emotional rock bottom.

I have just started reading Codependant No More, about half way through. I hit a part last night that actually made me cry because it hit so close to home. The feelings about being unlovable and settling for so much less than you deserve.

But I am looking at this book and this personal journey differently. It actually makes me feel like there IS a chance for me to get involved in a relationship that isn't unhealthy. It's making me really look internally and make the choice to change MYSELF and who I am drawn to.
For me, this means acknowledging the red flags in a relationship when they FIRST present themself, and not making excuses for bad behavior. This means walking away at the first sign of disrespect, and being strong enough and having enough self worth to stay away.
We all know the degrees of disrespect. We know what can be tolerated and what shouldn't.

I'm going to be 34 this month. And in my life I have never had someone say I love you, or been in a real and loving relationship. I am tired of it. And the pain that hit me this year after being involved with my A was enough to make me want to focus on ME.
I think that when you are involved in something so dysfunctional for so long it makes you think and feel that this is the ONLY thing you will ever know....and you'd rather stay here than feel "lonely".

But that is not the reality....that may be the A's reality, but not the one's involved with them. The difference with you is that you are acknowleding that you want something to change, and you are ready to start taking the steps to change it. That is the first step. And it's NOT easy.
And many others have been where you are and are on the other side now, finding peace. And they say "if I can do it, you can do it". A lot of people have felt that absolute bottom and saw no way out. But they found a way out. And the only way was through themselves. Not someone else.

Your life is not destined for this. When I start thinking about what I am missing about being with my A.....I come here and read and read, and I see what my life could be like in 5, 10 or 15 years if he had actually wanted to be with me. And I acknowledge that is the reality of it.....not the fantasy I have in my head about him.

Oooooo I got off on a tangent. Writing is a passion.....sometimes I don't shut up.
But really you are not destined for unhappiness! But the choice really is yours, and no one else's.