ToughChoices

Hard day today - my soul feels heavy.

I feel like I am physically weighed down by the enormity of the task in front of me.

I have years of thought patterns that need to evolve, years of behaviors that aren't in my best interest. I'm trying to address them, but it can be so frustrating when I find myself stuck in the middle of those old, unhelpful patterns! They just ooze out of me when I'm not paying attention.

I know it is progress, not perfection.
But, darn it.
Those imperfections sure rub me the wrong way.

I once heard that rehab ruins an alcoholic's joy in drinking. They leave treatment knowing that, as an alcoholic, drinking is an unhealthy and destructive behavior. That knowledge mars the joy of alcohol.

I think that recovery is truly ruining codependency for me. I recognize my own unhealthy behaviors and that knowledge mars the joy of the drama. All I've got right now is exhaustion and disappointment and resolve to do better next time.

Thanks for listening.
-TC

GiveLove

((( TC )))

Better that recovery has ruined the thrills of codependency for you. Like Rumi said, "It may be clearing you out for some new delight."

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all.

Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

ToughChoices

Thanks, GiveLove.

That is brilliant. Just what I needed to hear.
I'm trying to embrace the whole "all is as it should be" thing.

God, get me ready to be made ready, then sweep me out so that I can be filled with your purpose.

Thanks again.
-TC

embraced2000

your post was most inspiring for me this night, for i've been in a dark place all day.

thanks for the enlightenment!

Ago

Hush Child

TC, I have been watching you grow in leaps and bounds in the last few months until I'm like "Damn! Givelove could have written that!!1 and that's about the best compliment I can give.

My first "stretch" in "recovery" was in Sobriety, and the truth of it is in some ways it's incredibly lonely and hard at times, when and where we grow and go, no one can go with us...it's hard to explain, but that's the "feeling" I got from your post, it's hard nearly regretting all those "old friends" are gone forever, those old behaviors and thought patterns, just try to remember what it was like before.

One of the most profound "moments" in a book I personally found very profound (although very fun) was "The Mists of Avalon" when Morgaine realized she hadn't seen the "Faery Queen" for many years, and one day she was looking in the pond, she realized that it was because she had "become" The Faery Queen, and what that meant to me was she was now on her "own path" and she had no one to look up to or really ask for advice any more, like "Basho" says, "Seek not to follow in the footsteps of the wise, seek instead what they sought" at some point you realize there are no other footprints in the sand with you because the path you are walking is now truly your own.

It can be truly lonely at times, but oh so very rewarding, ....So you are no longer TC to me, but our own FQ.

Mr B

TC, I am slowly learning that this kind of thing isn't about the destination, it's about the journey. I get the feeling you're looking at where you are, and comparing it to where you want to be, and feeling that you still have such a long way to go. But turn around and look at how far you have already come. Take personal pride in what you have achieved.

If you need a break from pushing yourself to improve all the time, take that break. Just spend some time enjoying life as it is for you right now. Sure, you may not be all the way to where you want to be, but there's still a lot to look around at and appreciate where you currently are.

Recovery like this isn't a climb up a mountain, with a clear summit that one will reach and think "Right, I've done that, I don't need to do it any more" at which point life suddenly becomes simple. I see it more like a journey across country from a dark, mountainous place to somewhere with rolling hills and more sunshine. You don't have a map, all you have is a compass. On that kind of journey, there'll never be a point which will mark the dividing line from the mountains to the hills. You'll only really appreciate the difference in hindsight. You'll never know when you get "there", because the compass will always be pointing on. And even when you're in the good place, there will still be up-hill bits and down-hill bits, sometimes the sun will go behind the clouds, sometimes it will even rain. Sometimes you'll take a turn that feels like the right way to go but you end up back-tracking a bit. That's ok. That's just life. It's still nicer than climbing dark mountains while avalanches are falling all around you and you can't see where you're going.

That's how I see it, anyway. Crucially, on a journey such as this it's important to, sometimes, take a break, smell the metaphorical flowers and explore where you are. Which direction you go from there generally becomes clearer and you'll feel refreshed and eager to continue.

Take care,
Mr B.

coyote21

Wow, good stuff MrB, and GL, I've got my own "sticky" board on my desktop. Your Rumi quote is up there. Thanks guys. Oh Ago, funny billboard, been there, done that!

Thanks and God bless us all, :praying
Coyote


P.S. TC, about your recovery. There are some on this board that I'm in awe of over and over again, their wisdom and insight just continues to amaze me. You've been at this less that a year, yet you're WAY down the road from me. I'm jealous! :ghug3

genrs123

IM rooting for your TC. you give me so much strength and inspiration.

i know it can seem overwhelming, but maybe you can think of just a few healthy patterns that you regularly do, and stick with them.

i really found what you said about the codependency thing ruined too. ME TOO. same with being with an Alcoholic. reading this board alone makes me realize it is destructive no matter how much i love the other person or how good in site the relationship was in my head.

and there are a lot of nice other things that might bring you joy, aside from you codependent patterns. thnk about some of them that you like to do that might be less overwhelming if you enjoy them. like reading or cooking. start small. just do one or two a day.

ToughChoices

Sweet, funny, Ago.
Your post made me cry - actually everybody's did!

While there are still many others whose paths I admire (especially all my friends here on SR!), I think you're right about there not really being anyone I consistently look to as a source of advice any longer.
In the beginning I just wanted someone else to tell me what to do.
Now I know in my heart that I am the only person who can decide what to do. I have the knowledge and the ability to make the choices that are best for me.
It's a freeing, sometimes terrifying realization.

Sometimes being the sole responsible party in charge of my life and happiness seems like too large a task. I handed over that responsibility to my father and mother when I was a child, then to my husband as a (psuedo)adult.
I haven't been practicing self-care, self-love, self-soothing for very long, and sometimes I just don't do it very well.

Ah, such is the journey, right, Mr.B?
I am miles from where I was - way up the mountain, so to speak. But, I'm up there without my comfortable set of warm, fuzzy blame and anger to insulate me from the cold. So I just shiver, for now, and kick myself a little for not listening to the voice in my head that told me to bring a parka!

Thanks again, everybody.
You guys light up my day!

-TC

kingston

"I think that recovery is truly ruining codependency for me. I recognize my own unhealthy behaviors and that knowledge mars the joy of the drama. All I've got right now is exhaustion and disappointment and resolve to do better next time."

BUT, it's also setting us free, opening up new doors/experiences that we couldn't see or FEEL before.

For me I prefer the hard painful work it has taken in order for me to feel and live the way I am now. I don't look at the future with eyes that say Oh my God look at all the hard work I have to do. I look at yesterday and today and say thank you for coming so far.

Baby steps TC, keep up the good work! If you need a break, do it, no one says you have to finish the journey today. I believe if we are truly blessed the journey never stops because as we travel this road we are always learning, always meeting new people, living new experiences and loving everything that life brings to us now. I am FEELING, I am no longer numb.

K.

ToughChoices

So true, kingston!

I know it's worth the work - I will NEVER return to the place where I was.
Just, there are times when I feel disappointed in my response to a situation.

In this case, my head said, "Leave. Politely excuse yourself."
And I didn't listen to it. And the predictable drama occurred. And instead of being able to point my finger at someone else and say, "YOU are the source of the problem here!" I could only point the finger at myself. Where it belonged.

I knew better. I am very grateful for that knowledge, but it hurts, too. It hurts to really begin to understand the ways in which you have been contributing to your own pain.

Thanks for the encouragement!
-TC

And, genrs - I am so glad that you are here and posting. Life has lots of beauty in store for you. Thank you for your kind words.

genrs123

TC i was honestly surprised to see a thread post by you since i usually see you responding. i thought how could one of my SR rock of strenths, that i look to as a source of advice be in need of advice? im at where you were- i just wanted someone else to tell me what to do and even though you are one of those people it is because i think you have a good program. a great program.
but we are all on a journey, i know. it sounds like youve made so much progress and maybe the days with the old patterns are farther and fewer in between- and thats something!

MissFixit

TC,

You are a model recoverer to me. I always look for your posts to read what you have to say as I value your insights. In the last month and a half your thoughts have helped me more than my lifelong family and friends' advice and I don't even know you.

I am not going to tell you to stay strong, because you already are. We all need little breaks from time to time, even God took a break on Sunday (don't mean to offend you).

Take Care

kingston

TC, baby steps. After all we are human! K.

Bernadette

((((TC)))) - must be something going around- I too am in a funk today- having dropped right into old patterns and having an argument w/ my exH that just reeks of past ways of thinking and behaving for me. Like I just walked myself right into a bear trap.
UGH.
Glad you posted this- I am really chewing on these great responses you're getting...
B.

GiveLove

We are all so beautiful in our imperfection, aren't we? It's tough to be this green, growing thing - we are so soft and pliable sometimes, and it feels all wrong when we slip back a bit.

Being human is heartbreaking, magnificent, beautiful. Hope your day is better today.