Old 12-10-2008, 10:41 AM
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Rediscovering myself
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I'm over it. Our marriage is over. It's been physically and emotionally over for months, but now I have no hope. I need to tell AH that I'm done, but last weekend I snooped on his computer and he had been looking at suicide hotline numbers and stuff on depression. In the past he has said he wants to die, which I wrote off as a manipulation tactic.

I know I can't save him from suicide any more than I can save him from alcoholism, but I'm afraid if I do say I want a divorce, he'll do something. If he did, I would feel TERRIBLE and I hate to think that DD would grow up and find out her dad killed himself. I would wait it out and just let him come to the conclusion that we need to divorce, but I don't ever think he will. I'm so torn.
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Old 12-10-2008, 11:00 AM
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How about some couple's counselling/therapy to navigate this change healthily for both of you?
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Old 12-10-2008, 11:02 AM
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I agree. It may start out for you both, but if he needs the help they may suggest one on one stuff with him. Good luck.
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Old 12-10-2008, 11:15 AM
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Originally Posted by justaboutus View Post
I need to tell AH that I'm done
Do you need to tell him right now? Could you wait until you feel less afraid about contributing to his problems? For your own sake?

If you want to tell him, "This is it. Totally done. We're through. Papers are on their way." Then ok. But, at this point you sound as though you will be inclined to hold yourself responsible for the fall-out. Can you work through some of that responsibility before you give him the news?

Life happens. To alcoholics, too. Marriages end, jobs are lost, homes are flooded in hurricanes.
My husband's reaction to those events isn't my fault or really any of my business.

I'm sorry that he's dealing with depression - good for him for looking up resources for help!

Take care, justaboutus. I'm thinking of you.
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Old 12-10-2008, 11:15 AM
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soundsfamiliar, AH and I talked a little last night and he said "good thing there's awaiting time on handguns" He has talked suicide before- i have always believed it is manipulation attention seeking thing- not so sure now- he is very depressed and meds don't work so well when your drinking a fifth a day on them- I'm an RN- told him if I really believed he had a plan for suicide - I will have him detained on a 72 hour hold in a psych facility- he said he wasnts to die but is to "chicken" to do it- I really don't know what to believe- if he will go to counselling (mine won't) that would be great- I hope things work out for you- protect yourself and your daughter.
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Old 12-10-2008, 12:51 PM
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Just as he will drink or not regardless of what you do, he will suicide or not regardless of what you do. I understand your fears but try to evaluate the real risks here. If you think he is suicidal, report him as a threat to himself and others.
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Old 12-10-2008, 12:54 PM
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Have you tried calling a suicide hotline and ask for advice there? Maybe they have some suggestions.
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Old 12-10-2008, 01:13 PM
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What an awful place for you to be in, I am sorry. I have also been there, and know many women faced with similiar choices as yours.

I know you love him and hate to see him hurting but the reality is you cannot help someone who does not want to help themselves. I absolutley think you should help point him in the right direction if you can. At this point,if things are as diar as they sound, I would demand that he see a proffessional to help assess the situation, and offer to set it up and take him there. If your husband is unwilling.. I fear you staying in that enviroment will only lead to more despair for the both of you. Your husband is unable to help you do what is best for you, your needs are not even on the radar.I think you should think deeply about what YOU need to be ok.

It sounds like your emotional and spiritual health are in grave jeporady. This is not good for anybody. Hang in there. One last are not his HP and therefore cannot be ultimately responsible for his choices or well being. Do not place yourself in a role you were never meant to fill. He is an adult, and suffering he is, but he is the only one accountable for his actions or lack of. His higher power has freedom for him, but it is something only he can decide. I wish you could make everything all better, but you can't.

Lots of love :praying
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Old 12-11-2008, 10:10 AM
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Rediscovering myself
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thanks everyone. I did speak to my counselor, and she's giving me some steps to "hope for the best but prepare for the worst". He will not go to counseling. You're right, I don't need to put myself in that situation... no matter what. I'm not going to do anything until after Christmas.
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Old 12-11-2008, 10:25 AM
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Talk to a counselor/doctor/spiritual adviser first!
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