ForChrissake

and embarassed. Just realized I've been trying to control my AH for years now. I had a life plan and he wasn't doing the right things. Now, I'm still a bit pi$$y but I'm ready to move on in a good direction for my kids and me. I guess I'm at a jumping off point.

I'm also dealing with an addict brother and a "what planet are you from" mother, A father, A/bi-polar step mother. Oh, and my AH's dying AH friend - good times.

I'm drawing my lines........... So, why do I feel so sad and positive at the same time? I feel like I'm giving up my dream of having that one person love me to no end.

I hate this stuff.

Anyway, I think my major hurdle that I have to learn is going to be how to not react.

Can anyone give me advice on not reacting? I'm a bit of a hot head - or a-lot of one.

justaboutus

I can just tell you what I do.

Reaction to him buying me flowers: Whatever, and go about my business
Reaction to him buying a beer: whatever, and go about my business
Reaction to him passing out on the sofa: whatever, and go about my business
Reaction to him doing the dishes: whatever, and go about my business

It takes practice, but it works for me. And distancing yourself helps. I'm currently sleeping in the other room and it has done WONDERS.

FormerDoormat

You're not giving up the dream, just the old ball and chain. There IS one person who will love you to the end: YOU.

Imagine how much easier your journey through life will be now that you're not dragging around the old ball and chain.

It's not a sad ending, but a great new beginning.

prodigal

You are. Melodie Beattie addressed this in Codependent No More. She discusses how the death of our dreams is one of the most painful things we ever have to face. And it is true. I grieved terribly over the loss of my AH. I spent several days watching the old videotape of his sailing trip through the Caribbean back in 1992.

That man no longer exists. And he was one heckuva man. I loved him more than I ever thought I could love anyone. I am sorry he's gone. I used to wish somehow he would come back. But that isn't going to happen.

So I let him go. Then I had to face the fact that I didn't have a life of my own. I've been working for over a year now to get a life. It hasn't been easy, but in regaining my own life, I was able to let go of his.

GiveLove

Hey FC,

Sorry you're finding yourself in this position (glad you found us here though).

You have a lot on your plate, a lot of it having to do with situations that you didn't cause, you can't control, and you can't cure.

Any way to let those people deal with their own stuff for a while, and just focus on things that are going to bring you long-term happiness?

You may have to give up the wish that this one guy is the answer to all your prayers forever. Looks like maybe that's not the case. I felt like that too - it was all over.

Tell you what, though: if I hadn't jettisoned that dead weight in my life, I would never have found the peace, prosperity, and almost unimaginable happiness that I have now.

You may be giving something up, but it might just be an investment in a future life that suits you much better.

Just a thought.

Hugs,
GL

p.s. as far as not reacting goes, I found that the less I was investing in other peoples' problems and other peoples' choices, the less I cared enough to get mad. It just didn't interest me any more.....I was too focused on my own life, the only one I could truly control. I walked away a lot, just as I would to a barking dog on the street.

coyote21

Try picturing that large white Afflac duck Quack, Quack, Quacking every time he opens his mouth.

Thanks and God bless us all, :ghug
Coyote

P.S. It does take practice! Try not to laugh though, that just pisses 'em off!

ForChrissake

Thanks everyone. It's strange (maybe not so much) that I grew up around alchies so I wanted no part of them in my life. TEE HEE. I think having children finally gave me the push to realize what I was missing on an emotional level. I don't know but it certainly was an epiphany for me. It was also VERY hard to get PG and I have had to go through numerous surgeries, losses and am now basically castrated - during all of this I've felt so alone which is a horrible way to spend your life - been there done that! I now see that I don't know how to connect to another because I'm scared to death but I also see that a lack of trust is adding to my fears and honestly a deal killer for me. The deal isn't dead yet but it's definitely on the table so to speak.

I don't have the solution but I'm finally getting a finger on the problem.

GiveLove

FC,
I grew up around alcoholics too. It makes us a certain kind of person. Think about dropping in to the Adult Children of Alcoholics/Addicts forum (two below this one). Lots of nice people there too who have been dealt the same hand in life, and have lots of common traits (like problems with relationships, etc.). It's really helpful to me.

GL