Thanks everyone. It's strange (maybe not so much) that I grew up around alchies so I wanted no part of them in my life. TEE HEE. I think having children finally gave me the push to realize what I was missing on an emotional level. I don't know but it certainly was an epiphany for me. It was also VERY hard to get PG and I have had to go through numerous surgeries, losses and am now basically castrated - during all of this I've felt so alone which is a horrible way to spend your life - been there done that! I now see that I don't know how to connect to another because I'm scared to death but I also see that a lack of trust is adding to my fears and honestly a deal killer for me. The deal isn't dead yet but it's definitely on the table so to speak.
I don't have the solution but I'm finally getting a finger on the problem.