NeedHelp81

I absolutely HATE when they quack! UGH. But not until the next day....

I don't ever realize what it is when it's happening, I am telling myself that he's coming around, and if he is SAYING it then he must BELIEVE it or atleast be aware of it ..... does he?

Last night went like this:

I told him I am TAKING A HUMONGOUS BREAK from drinking. I am tired of it, and I scare myself sometimes by thinking of the possibility of become an A myself.

He told me that I am few huge steps into it and to please take a look at myself and not to let it happen. That it is the WORST thing anyone can do to themselves. I agreed. Not because HE asked me, but because I had stated before that my own will is telling me to do this.

Then I get a text later : You are the only reason I actually do anything good for myself. Thank you baby. I'm sorry I don't give back enough, I want to soooo bad but I'm messed up. I try but ...... F*ck I can't even say I do that. I want to give you what you have given me. I will soon.

So here's the deal. We live apart as most of you know. Well, we have kind of made our way back together (Doh!) and we haven't been fighting. What is the quacking about? Does he see this? I hear it constantly, and I haven't even been being a bi*ch or anything that he would need to "pull me back" from.

He is nowhere close to sober, but he has been talking like this for months now. About inpatient and recovery, and making a life, and pleading for me not be like him......

Oooohhhh wait! I think I just had an epiphany! Hahaha. Does he feel above me or smarter than me when he's telling me NOT to drink? I know that's manipulation, but it's not because I'm the one who started the conversation of taking a step back....

Hmmm. SOMEONE HELP! I'm confused dammit.

atalose

Need,

You are trying to analyze a saturated alcoholic brain that is saying things to you because it sounds good to him at the moment he is saying them.

NeedHelp81

Not so much analyze, I just want to understand why they aren't seen as honest humans sometimes? I don't see the point in him saying these things when him and I are on good terms, and nothing *between us* is wrong. Why would he throw out some random bull sh*t if he wasn't thinking it?

I feel like I am NOW over-analyzing things - not to learn them - but to question his love for me, which I don't. But now ever since researching when he says things to me, I want to validate that they are real ......

I don't want to feel like the good times and the wonderful things he says or realizes are ALL lies. I do believe he loves me, and I genuinely believe he wants help - only WANTS help at this point, not ready yet to commit to recovery....

Freedom1990

Questioning someone else's love for me, alcoholic or not, does nothing to enhance my own journey of self-discovery and self-love.

That questioning over someone else's love that I did for so many years was the incomplete, needy, and insecure me because I was hinging my reality off of someone else.

I think that deep down inside we all have that need for love. However, I have found I attract people with a much healthier concept of love when I am right with myself and love myself.

ToughChoices

They are honest sometimes. And they lie sometimes. And sometimes it's a mix.
It's the trying to decide which is which that makes me crazy.

He is expressing kindness and gratitude toward you, and it sounds like you want to believe it.
OK. Just be aware that people's motives are rarely simple. He may very well be genuinely grateful and loving toward you, while, at the same time, hoping that saying these things will keep you involved in the cycle of addiction with him.

Take care.
-TC

atalose

I have to agree with freedom, if you are questioning his love, it is doing nothing for your own journey of self-discovery and self-love.

Of course we all want to hear that we are loved and wanted, but I want to hear that from someone who is capable of backing up words with actions.

None of us want to believe things they say are lies, but the truth is, they are just words, words that are said over and over again and never backed up with actions.

I don’t want to settle for just words, I want more out of a partner in life then words. I want more because I know I deserve more.

NeedHelp81

Thank you. I DO want more than words, I do deserve more than words....

I believe him, but I think I am secretly hoping that him saying these things is paving a path for him to follow with actions. But words don't pave roads, and feet don't magically start walking because of something you say.

Ugh. I want a NORMAL life!!! It's driving me insane! But it isn't at the same time. I feel somewhat content with they things are - but only in the now. None of this will bring me any happiness in the future or anywhere closer to my dreams of a family with him.


I just wish that there was some sort of insight to what CAN happen if he chooses to make it happen, and maybe a little insight that he WILL do this.....

baileyboop

I'm thinking of you....Sending lots of hugs at this moment...

denny57

Have you heard the song "Someday" by Nickelback?

I love the chorus

Someday, somehow
I’m gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you’re wondering when
(You’re the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
I’m gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you’re wondering when

Heck yeah! I'm wondering - If not now, when?

NeedHelp81

BAH! THank you Denny but jeezs you just depressed me! =(

I want to know when, how, why, all of the above. I can't stand here and wait. I want a family. With him. That's my problem. With him. I don't want to go out and start over, I want it with him. HIM HIM HIM HIM. AHHHH!

Excuse me while I slam my head in the door.

Freedom1990

The now is all we have. We have no idea if we will be here tomorrow or not.

I make a conscious effort to ask myself each day that if I were to not wake up tomorrow, would I have lived my life to the fullest today?

My sponsor often tells me if I have one foot in yesterday, and one foot in tomorrow, I'm in perfect position to pi$$ all over today.

NeedHelp81

But want babies and a family. If I am content with today does that mean I'm ok?

justaboutus

I think it means you're getting there. You gotta deal with today before you can think about tomorrow. Because plans for tomorrow... start today...

And stop trying to make sense out of your A. They don't make sense, thus the insanity. You'll never know when, how, or why (even after they sober up). Give it up. It's silly to spend energy on something that will NEVER happen.

NeedHelp81

Even if they sober up? Seriously?! I have to ditch him even if he does get help?

atalose

If you are content today with what little he can offer you today, let alone offer any baby, with words then no you are not ok. You are settling for less then you deserve. You are short changing yourself true happiness in life with someone who is able to provide love, support and caring and comfort to you and a child.

Sounds like you fell in love with this guy’s potential. You’ve made him into something else in your mind and heart then what he really is today. You’ve fantasized about a wonderful life with him as the person you hope he can become. He is who he is today, none of your fantasies will change him into who and what you want him to be. He is who he is and if you can’t accept him for who he is today exactly how he is today then you have no business being involved with him.

Life is passing you by while you sit and cry and dream of this man changing into your prince charming and raising kids with. Happiness and contentment for life are something you can receive but not until you are healthy enough to accept it.

justaboutus

I don't know if you have to ditch your A or not. All I know is from the recovering As I've talked to they've never been able to tell you why they did it. Why they chose the bottle over everyone else. They'll never tell you when they'll slip up and when they'll be sober or what will make them turn the corner. You'll NEVER get answers, so it's silly to keep looking.

In my case, my husband has chosen the bottle over his CHILD!! There's NO reason for that! No excuse/reason he could ever give me that would make sense. So why ask?

NeedHelp81

Atalose! You just completely spoke to me.

Oh my god. I get it. I just got it. That was nuts. I am printing exactly what you just said to me and keeping it with me.

Thank you so much. You have no idea what your words just did for me.

atalose

Glad it helped. Keep posting you have great support here.

You deserve it, you are worth it!!!!!

prodigal

Wishful thinking and desperately wanting "what if" for my life was what drove me crazy. I ended up physically ill, depressed, confused, isolated, and honestly had no clue who I was. All I knew was I wanted my AH to be the man he used to be. I wanted him to see that he was drinking himself to death. And I wanted him to stop.

I spent approximately three years trying to figure him out. In the end, I probably had a handle, to some degree, on his behavior, his inconsistencies, his insanity.

But I sure as heck didn't have a clue as to why I continued to analyze him. Then I was faced with having to look at myself after going to the ER several times prior to having emergency gall bladder surgery. Alone. AH was out getting bombed, as usual.

Why was I allowing this in my life? There I was, laying on a stretcher, zoned out on morphine for the pain, and AH was home getting drunk. Oh, yeah, he managed to show up a few times (drunk or relatively sober) while I was in the hospital.

But in the end, I had to face it alone. I finally just let him go. I was sick and tired of waiting for a man to care for my well-being who just wasn't there. He was out in laa-laa land, and when the mood moved him, he'd say or do something "nice." Then he'd revert to being a self-absorbed, self-serving drunk.

I didn't do it under pleasant circumstances, but I cut my losses, and detached. He is what he is. The man I was engaged to is dead and gone. I grieved over him and buried him last year. Long time comin', long time gone ...

NeedHelp81

Thank you everyone for your responses. I just want to get past this hurdle in MY recovery. My wishy-washiness is doing NOTHING for me, and sad to say but most importantly NOTHING for him.

He came over last night and found 4 books by my bed including "Codependant no more" "Love First" "Alcoholism" and the last was some Betty Ford thingy that I can't bring myself to read - BORING!

He got teary-eyed. Didn't know I was researching and learning and wanting to help. I didn't want him to see those, but he did. Funny thing is he had went to dinner with his mom and brother before he came over - then texted me "Ryan MADE me come have a beer at the bar - Ill be over afterwards." He wasn't there long - but that doesn't matter. I have watched him LITERALLY down a 12 plus 1 tall boy in less than an hour. He showed up buzzed (after driving) saying he wasn't. I could tell. He was in his "Happy Buzz" state. Overly nice, touchy and loving - pretty much just smothering overall. If he would've drank a few more, that would turn into his "Irritable Bitchy Buzz" ...... with a different states coming after each couple of drinks.

That's bad that I know that! Or maybe it's a good thing that I do.

Point is - you guys spoke to me yesterday and I understood it! I wanted to be strong enough to do it! Then I still let him come over.....

He kissed my goodbye this morning before work, and said "I'll see you tonight baby."

Ugh.