Reddmax

Guys and Gals,

I've had a good day on here yesterday. You all rock!

Today, I feel miserable. The same thing happened yesterday as always, the aw got drunk, acted miserable, wouldn't talk, got mad, and we went to bed. Didn't sleep well at all, then she decides to getup early and wake me up. So, I'm tired, annoyed, and most of all, scared. What's she thinking, what's she upto, is she going to do something mean or strange or inconsiderate. So, my normal way of doing things is to call and talk to her, which never goes well. I know this is co-dependant. How do I stop? Any hints, or Jedi mind tricks that people play on themselves?

Barbara52

I have no Jedi mind tricks but one technique I use to stop myself from worrying about xAH (or other things) is visualization.

For me, I wanted to turn my worries and concerns about my xAH over to God, to let it go and put it in God's hands. What I vizualize is xAH inside a box being held by God's hands. I put all my worries and concerns over which I have no control, into the box and seal them in. They can't get out unless I let them. If they start to leak out, I shove them right back in and let go of them.

I takes practice but I found that this technique truly helped me let go and let God handle all those things over which I have no control including xAH and his issues and consequences.

dunerkat

the desire/need to know what they are doing is overwhelming. it is very hard not to give in and call. the last few days i have resisted the urge to call and even though it's painful, i have some peace. i find it's also harder when i am alone because my mind goes crazy thinking about it. as hard as it is, try to not call her. try and find something to do to keep busy, that is what helps me. others here have much better coping strategies than i do, but that is all i can offer.

cem001

I continue to say the serenity prayer and repeat my three C's and it gives me the push to go on about MY business and not worry about him. I also get busy. I clean, dance or do whatever it is that I want to do at that moment.

Chrysalis123

I can relate to the roller coaster emotions. In my experience it was the worst right after I hit my codie bottom as my emotions were swinging wildly.

For me recovery has been a process not a single event. My addiction to my XAH and obsession with his business is an on going issue. Now 9 months into my recovery I am able to separate and detach a bit more. I do still have moments when I go completely off the deep end such as when I discovered some shockingly inappropriate behavior on his part which pushed my abandonment button. However, instead of my response completely being my old sick codie ways I realized what was happening and reached out for help from my F2F alanon friends and posted here.

I intentionally do things to help me fight the addiction to him. I pray, I visualize myself in God's hands being well taken care of and loved, I do not drive by his house, call, or email because that just brings me grief, I accept that having any expectations of him will hurt me. So I picture him as a complete stranger and that helps me accept this (we were married 18 years and he truly is a stranger to me now as his behavior is odd to say the least).
I also attend counseling and go to alanon.

Reddmax

Yeah,

The behavior is just flippin weird. That's what gets me. Just doing freaky things that are so "out of character" that shake your world view. I'm going to try like hell not to call or get involved with her life.

She does things that are just insane. She also doesn't want me to talk about "out problems" with anyone else, nor does she want to talk or resolve problems between us.

Red

Barbara52

Which is her right as another adult.

The big question is what do you want and what are you willing to do for yourself?

Astro

You might find relief in the rooms of CoDA Red Co-dependents Anonymous
I'm a double-winner. Been sober for a few years thanks to AA, but I'm sure looking forward to my CoDA meeting tonight!

Kindeyes

I use mind tricks all the time. My all time favorite is THE BRICK trick.

My emotional state is a brick. It's MY brick. I protect that brick very carefully. Because if I give that brick over to another person, they may BASH ME IN THE HEAD with it. There are very few people I allow to hold my brick. I use to let anyone have it. I would give that brick over to perfect strangers! Seriously! ANYONE had the power to hurt my feelings or make me mad.

This is how I control myself when I just feel like I HAVE TO MAKE THAT CALL. I realize that I am handing my "brick" over to someone who I know is going to bash me in the head with it.....and I'm handing it over to them ON PURPOSE!

That stops me from making that call every time. And if I do happen to venture to make the call.......if they try to get their hands on my brick.......I say "oh...gotta go! bye". And immediately disengage. I protect my brick (emotions).

Co-dependent behavior is as hard to stop for us as it is for the alcoholic to stop drinking. It is deeply ingrained behavior that takes a daily focus on ourselves to control. It's amazing......when we begin concentrating on ourselves, it takes up so much of our time and energy that we no longer have time to concentrate on the A in our lives or try to control what they are doing.

gentle hugs

Reddmax

As part of ending Co-dependence, we have to set boundaries, correct? I have a question about that. We, my AW and I, share finances. The problem comes up when spending occurs. She spends on impulse, without letting me share in the decision. The obvious solution to that is to split finances. The problem with that is my commute. If I split finances with her, she'll make me pay for my gas plus half the house payment. Thats equivalent to 1 1/4 house payments. I'd basically be better off leaving.

Any ideas or viewpoints?

LaTeeDa

Well, you have to consider if staying is worth 1/4 of house payment. I really don't mean to sound callous, but if you say you are better off leaving from a financial standpoint, what are the other factors that make it worth staying? No one can decide what is right for you but you. You have to consider all the pros and cons and come to your own conclusions.

L

Reddmax

You know... the roller coaster ride of emotions has gone up and down for me today. Right now I'm in a great mood. La tee da, you're not callous, you're describing reality. KindEyes, that's exactly what I meant... that little vizualization exercise. I'm going to steal it and use it for myself. I'm also going to try and stay busy today so I don't dwell. I've got trim to put up around the living room, Dining room, and hallway.

GiveLove

Red, I think I'm probably missing the math here a bit but....is there a reason you shouldn't pay for your own gas and your half of the house payment? Does she pay for her own gas and working expenses, or....? Anyway, here's what my husband and I do, for what it's worth:

We each have our own income, which goes into our own separate bank accounts.

We do the math and figure out what it takes to run the household each month: mortgage, insurance, food, utilities, purchases for the home, tools, everything that goes into "Us" We split this in half and each of us writes a check into the "joint account" that takes care of our joint living expenses.

Our individual purchases -- toys, clothes, impulse purchases, etc. -- come out of our own accounts. My husband can buy a Lear jet if he wants. His money, his decision.

That system has served us for many years. We have yet to have a single fight about money.

I have a similar jedi mind trick to Kindeyes, by the way. Mine's a big squeegee ---- I just wipe the images away as they rise up. On really bad days, I wear a rubber band on my wrist and (believe it or not) give it a healthy warning snap when my thoughts stray into areas that are no good for me. The body's like a lab rat -- it learns, on a primal level, to avoid pain by getting rid of those thoughts fast! Can you tell I'm overly serious about this stuff??? I spent too many years obsessing, and it was such a waste of time and life.

respektingme

Hmmmm, odd. I guess I can relate to wondering what my AH is up to when I'm not around. But it doesn't happen a whole lot. I usually feel quite confident that his eyes are swimming around in their sockets, that he's got a firm grip on his "water bottle" (he pours his vodka into water bottles???), and that he's chugging away. If he were to do anything other than that while he is alone, that would shock me. So, when we're not together, sometimes I forget to call at all. I'm enjoying my escape from the booze and his addiction to it. It's my phone that's ringing, with him wondering what I'm doing. Having fun!! Usually that's what I'm doing when I'm away from home.

Sounds good. Sounds so good that I'm getting very tempted to make that situation permanent. If we had no kids, I think I would have been gone a long time ago!!

respektingme

Oh, and Redd, try this exercise.....

Try reminding yourself to examine ever criticism of you. Check the timing. How much truth is there to her argument?

See, I used to get bashed by my AH quite often. Al-Anon helped me realize what was going on. He was keeping me on the defense and at arm's length, so HE COULD DRINK!!!

Think that might be your case? If she's irate when she's drinking, it could very well be her natural defense towards you so you'll stay out of her way.

Reddmax

Give Love
That's the interesting thing about being led down the primrose path. The original deal was to buy the house, do the commute for 3 years, then sell and move to a more "equal" location. My commute is 152 miles round trip, while hers is 36. Everytime we try to work on the house, she gets soused and it so irritating to work with her. Anyway, we're 6 years in, and I'm still stuck with the commute. That is a nice trick by the way with the rubber band. Also, she will not accept seperate accounts, unless its in her interest.

Reddmax

Also, I screwed up and called, fortunately she wasn't at her desk. I wanted to ask her if she was willing to help with the trimwork tonight... Why am I thinking this way, because if she does help, she'll be hammered and make a mess.

Gotta get me a huge rubber band

respektingme

A few years ago, my AH got paranoid and thought I was about to leave him. He went to the bank and transfered 1/2 our assets into an account with only his name on it.

I found out and went to the bank. I wanted the other 1/2 in an entirely different bank, so I asked for cash. There were limits on how much cash I could pull out. But as soon as I told the cashier what he had done, and she saw it on their computer system, she called the neighboring branches and I drove from bank to bank with a plastic bag and then took it to a new bank and opened an account.

That was how we got separate accounts. Nobody really agreed to anything. And then when he wanted to rejoin our accounts later, I said no. I like not having to answer to him about my money. I actually grew mine.

So, you don't really need her permission to get separate accounts.

respektingme

I would never let something not get done because I relied on my AH to help me. I've laid tile, ripped pool pumps apart, stained concrete, installed garbage disposals and sinks, fixed the lawn mower, etc. I do it myself, I don't even ask. I think when he tries to help, he screws up on purpose so I'll do it myself. Not a problem. If I want something done that I can't do myself, we hire someone to do it.

There have to be some day laborers around who could help you for not much money. I wouldn't depend on her. I'd just do it. She sounds like she has you right where she wants you. Why would she help you fix up the house? So you could sell it and move 1/2 to your job? Why would she want to do that? Alcoholics think about themselves only.

The best way I think you can get her to stop raging at you is to take action. Do what you want to do, regardless of whether she helps or not. Fix your house. Stop calling her. Be busy, be productive. If she yells, leave the room. Stop taking it. By chasing her, she gets to sit back and move you like a puppet.

Barbara52

What is stopping you? She cannot prevent you from having your own accounts.