GiveLove

Yeah.......sometimes I used to need those big fat ones that come around the broccoli in the store

She doesn't have to agree to separate accounts. You just....um....start them.

Interesting your use of language there.....do you notice it? "There's no way she'd agree to it" So....if she doesn't want it, it doesn't happen, no matter whether it's better for YOU or not?

Do you see how this might be a vicious cycle? (it was for me)

I always gave in to what my partner wanted...
So he learned that he could always have what he wanted, and learned he didn't have to compromise at all...
So I did without the things & situations that made me feel good to be alive, because it was too much hassle to fight with him....
So I had lost all my self-respect, because I never stood up for myself...
So I always gave in to what my partner wanted....

Round and round and round. Hope you can find a way to step off that merry-go-round. It's no way to live.

Reddmax

respekting me.... great post... you have lots of points that are worth thinking and acting on.

Barbara52, no she can't, but she can play the mean game and initiate divorce proceedings. She has the advantage right now, because if she does divorce me, it means a significant financial impact to me. Maybe even bankruptcy. Although, to think about it. I could close down the house during the week, stay with friends during that week, and work on the house during the weekend.... That's actually a pretty good idea.

I'm a pretty intellectual type of guy. I think and think before I act. One of the Moral survey's I've done on myself is the old fooling myself " I want my idea of my marriage back, when it never really existed". I've got to accept things the way they are and move forward.

Since I can't trust her physically, that means no fooling around. Since I can't trust her financially, I've got to take steps to protect myself. I have to put myself first.... Hard lesson to learn....

juju

Reddmax,

Listen to the advice given, you should.

juju

Barbara52

I have taken and will continue to take a huge financial hit from divorcing xAH. And its worth every penny to me.

Our house is selling for approximately $400K less than it was worth a year or so ago. I will lose almost all equity I had in the house. Because xAH screwed up on our taxes for 2006, we owe over $5K in back taxes. Since xAH remains unemployed 3 yrs after being fired and is likely to be homeless after the sale closes next month, guess who will end up paying it all?

But, ya know what? Its only money. I view it as part of the price of having made a stupid decision in marrying a man I knew was an alcoholic.

The peace of mind I have in no longer being financially, emotionally, or legally tied to him is more than worth the cost in dollars. I have earned back my self respect, my self esteem, my inner peace and joy in life.

freya

OMG! I read this, and I just had to laugh out loud! Not because it's funny in a "HA, HA" way, but because it is just such friggin' classic textbook alcoholic BS!

I've got to say that, luckily, this was one thing I was absolutely 100% clear about way before I ever heard about Al Anon: I have the right to have support people (family, friends, professionals, etc....whomever I choose to trust) in my life. I have the right to talk openly and honestly about what is going on in my life -- and if that includes the insanity of alcoholic behavior on the part of my significant other, then so be it. There is something really crazy-weird (as in "controlling, isolating, and borderline ABUSIVE") -- not to mention totally unacceptable -- about a partner trying to keep me from exercising these rights. And, finally, there is no way that anyone is getting away with this crap with me.

What is really going on when an alcoholic -- or any other abusive person -- starts up with this line of BS????? 1) They know that their behavior is unacceptable, and they know that if you get the healthy help and support you need, their "free ride" on your enabling is in danger; and 2) They know that, if word gets out about their behavior, they're not only going to be embarrassed, but a lot of other people might start thinking twice about trusting them, employing them, helping them out....whatever; In short, they know 3) that the the first step to dealing with any problem comes with speaking the truth about what the problem is, and, since their behavior constitutes a large part of the problem, they are scared sh*tless that the truth might be known.

Now, I most certainly am not advocating anyone's going around and indiscriminately yack-yack-yacking about the alcoholic's (or anyone else's) bad behavior......i.e. I am not advocating gossiping or being stuck in endless, distracting focusing on the problem. But, in order to get to solutions, the problems must first be honestly identified, discussed, and worked through, and yes, that means talking about what is really going on as much as you need to with the people with whom you feel you need to talk about it.

And, if the alcoholic doesn't like the fact that when you or anyone else speaks honestly about her behavior this does indeed cause her to be viewed more negatively by people, then guess what????? She has every right in the world to change her behavior so that she will be viewed more positively!!! (Usually a concept unimaginable to an active alcoholic, but the truth, nonetheless.) But, she never has any right to stop anyone from speaking the truth....or from getting the help and support they need by doing so.

(......BTW, in case you didn't notice, I feel really strongly about this particular issue....)

freya

prodigal

While a divorce can have a financial impact on you and bankruptcy might be an issue, remember that you cannot foretell the future. I've practiced "awfulizing" myself in which I speculated that everything was going to crash and burn around me. Hasn't happened yet.

You are living with an A who is wrecking havoc with your emotional well-being and it sounds as if you are getting hurt badly by this. I certainly am not advocating that you run out and get a divorce. However, setting up your own private accounts is a step in the right direction, should you decide that divorce is a route you wish to pursue in the future.

Kindeyes

Reddmax
When I divorced my AXH 20 some-odd years ago, I took on all the debt. Anything was better than living with him. Anything. I eventually lost my house to foreclosure. I was 25 years old......3,000 miles away from my family.....with a 2 year old son. I was terrified! My ex didn't pay child support. I was a financial wreck. But I survived. And looking back 20/20 hindsight.....I don't regret loving him. I don't regret marrying him. I don't regret having a child with him. I don't regret divorcing him. All of it was necessary for me to be where I am today. And today.......I'm happy.

How do you know? When the pain of staying outweighs the fear of leaving, you know you have to get out to save yourself. You may not be there. You may never reach that point. It's a very individual thing. But the "when" is always the same if it does get to that point.

gentle hugs