hi - this is my first time here

Old 07-08-2003, 11:24 AM
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: new york, ny
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Unhappy hi - this is my first time here

thanks for allowing me to vent. I have been married for just about 16 months. My husband told me that he had been sober for five years before we met (drugs and alcohol). Not seeing any signs and wanting to believe the best...I was slapped in the face when after 3 weeks of marriage he went out on a drinking and drugging binge. He blamed the whole thing on me because I turned out to be a terrible wife and nothing like what he expected. He says I am his "trigger". My faith in God has been my saving grace in the many dark days, weeks and months that followed. My life has been like a roller coaster in the last year. When ever he would stop drinking I would try and believe he would never do it again - just to get disappointed over and over again. My husband is not much of a talker so when ever I would want to tell him my feelings about the situation he would blow up again and blame me for everything (again). A lot of my frustration comes from him thinking that my son and I are not affected by his behavior. He says I want to talk to people to get attention. In the mean time I am feeling so alone and hurt. Unfortunately, my father was also an alcoholic. I lived as a child under the fear of living with a violent alcoholic. I really didn't see this coming - how stupid I was. I really wanted to believe my husband's word, being a Christian man (he NEVER drank around me). He has stopped drinking for the last couple of months after going into DETOX. He attends some meetings, but I still see the anger and other issues which were hidden behind the addictions. I want to help him, but I know he has to want to help himself first. Even though he is not drinking now, he is still treating me like I am the cause of ALL of his problems, which I know I am not. I am trying to keep myself strong in the midst of him trying to tear me down. My sister suggested I look into Al-Anon to have some people to talk to. Thanks for letting me go on and on. I am trying to see the rainbow at the end of the road.
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Old 07-08-2003, 11:43 AM
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Learning to love life...
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi meme,

This is a great place to start - there are many wonderful, wise people here.

I haven't got much time to post, but wanted to share a little.

I am very familiar with the "blame" issues in my relationship also. I have been told that I make him crazy, am not loving enough, am not very fun, am a nag, am a bitch etc... and that it is MY fault that he drinks / drugs. What I realize now, is that an A will always find someone else to blame - taking responsibility for the drinking / drugging would mean that they would have to admit to the problem AND do something about it. If it is OUR fault, they don't have to do anything... A's are very crafty... they are able to create an environment for themselves to SUPPORT the drinking; from the people they have close, to the jobs they take, to the restaurants they hang out in. All of these factors enable them to continue to use.

Know that you are NOT to blame... you don't have to play his game.
If it were in fact true that you "turned out to be a terrible wife, and nothing like what he expected", then why doesn't HE leave? He can't justify those words... He STAYS because he is able to... because he can drink / drug, and NOT have to own up to it.
Of course, I am not saying that he doesn't love and care for you... Unfortunatly, it is often the case that an A puts the disease first - he HAS to... it is the only way he figures he'll survive.

Take care
So glad u found us
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Old 07-08-2003, 12:23 PM
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Posts: 2,416
Hello meme, and welcome!

Good old sis. Alanon is an excellent suggestion, and I'm glad you found us, too.

I have had many occasions to be grateful that Dino never pointed the finger of blame for his using at me. If he had, I think I would have said something like "I know a really quick fix for that." But I've read lot's of people's stories that echo yours. It's nonsense, of course.

It occured to me that your husband might benefit from attending CoDA as well as AA. (Codependents Anoymous) If he's looking to you or anyone else to be his salvation from the terrors that make him drink, then he's doing what us codies do in spades. Expecting someone else to make our life run right. Hang onto that belief that his drinking is not your doing. It isn't.

I hope you will look at the "power posts" at the top of this, and the naranon forum. They're a collection of messages from our members that we've thought give really good infomation or express some poignant thoughts that would be especially helpful to our newcomers. And know this... you are not alone.

Keep posting!
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Old 07-08-2003, 12:31 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: new york, ny
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thanks Meg,
I am at a point now where I realize that I am not going to let this disease ruin my life. I have to realize what I am up against. The atitudes, tricks and the behavior. Not realizing these things can make you feel trapped and helpless. I also realize that since I saw this behavior as a child (with my father) - maybe I was now reacting as a child (wanting to run, hide and cry). My view point has to be different now. I have to face this head on!:asmd:
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Old 07-08-2003, 06:41 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Washington
Posts: 129
Hello meme and welcome!

You are not alone, I assure you. As others have stated, addicts in general, blame everyone else for their behavior, b/c if they hold themselves accountable then they would have to act on it, and they don't want to. Some never want to, some have to finally hit their own bottom before they wake up. When my H and I met, he too had been clean for 5 years. He told me he had had a heroin problem that started when he was quite young, he ended up in treatment several years ago and had been totally clean since. He drank, but not very much and not very often. What I didn't know at the time was that he was slowly replacing alcohol for the drugs. Over time his drinking got to the point where he was leaving on 3-5 day binges. He went from the most loving and kind man I'd ever known to a hateful monster. Everything was my fault, our kids' faults, our parents, my friends, my job, you name it. He went to treatment last fall but wasn't serious and relapsed shortly afterwards. He went to treatment again this past May and is currently living in a recovery house. We have been separated since February. He gets out the day after our 2nd anniversary. I was married before to an alcoholic and my current H used to tell me that I was comparing him to my ex and that's why he would hide it from me, lie to me, etc. Talk about a blame game that worked--for a long time. When I finally reached my bottom after he stayed with the kids while I was out of town on business and got drunk again, I told him I was no longer taking any accountability for his choices and I was no longer going to be involved with an active user, I was done. I could have lost my children over his selfishness and it hit me like a ton of bricks that my life was out of control b/c I was allowing him the ease of blame and non-accountability. When he said he wanted to go back to treatment, I took him first to the ER b/c he was talking about suicide and I said to the dr to do whatever they thought was best and call me and let me know. They took him over to detox where he sat for 3 days waiting to get into rehab. I stepped out of the picture completely until I'd had some time to cool off and think. I had gone through this with him before and I remembered a lot of the things the counselors told us such as, if the addict does not get to the root cause(s) of their addictions, they are very likely to relapse. What did this mean to me this time? It meant that I understood, finally, that if he wasn't willing to dig into himself and be honest that he could skate through rehab again, only to come out and relapse again. I wasn't going through it again. I set up a meeting with him and his counselor and I told him straight up that he was not coming home after rehab, that I needed some time and even though we've been separated since Feb I hadn't been doing anything for me and my recovery. It was like a lightbulb went off in my head too--this wasn't just about him, but also about me and I needed some help. Fortunately, he had also come to the same conclusion and said that he had finally 'gotten it' this time.
We have counselling starting this Friday and I don't know yet if I'm ready for him to come home to our house or not when he's out of the reco house. We have had some hard times, and I've struggled a lot with my emotions, but I keep going to Alanon, which I have come to love, I pray every day, and I read a lot on here, other people's posts help me a lot to know I am not going through my struggles alone.
If your H is still treating you the same way while he's sober, I can almost assure you he will relapse again. I believe with all my heart that until they are willing to look deeper and face the pain that is the cause of their disease, they have no chance at sobriety, or at least any length of sobriety. This is my H's 4th time in treatment in the past 9 years. Over the past 2 1/2 mos I have watched him go from an angry, bitter man back to a man who is proud of himself and is learning to love himself again. I almost wish I had this entire time recorded so I could show him.
One last thing, you can't help your H. I have always thought that way too--in fact I would tell him all the time that I would do anything I could do to help him b/c I love him that much. What I have discovered this time is that I can't help him, he has to help himself. What I can do is love him and give him emotional support, set healthy boundaries, and let him be responsible for himself and his recovery. I don't always do that, I get very emotional when things don't go the way I want them to, but nwo it is easier for me to step back and realize that I can't control him either and I just have to have faith that things will work out the way they are supposed to.
I wish you lots of strength and belief in yourself that you are not to blame for your husbands actions, no matter what he tells you. Once you believe that completely, it's like a huge weight lifted off of you.
Best wishes,
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Old 07-09-2003, 03:51 AM
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Cincinnati Ohio
Posts: 94
Welcome, meme! (((HUGS))) too. The amazing thing I know now, is that there is definitely a place where you can feel good about what you are doing and saying. When we finally learn to LET GO and LET GOD, it's a great BIG relief. I like turning the A's problem over to GOD.

Maybe say over and over, "I am letting go". Or the old rubber band trick, put one on your wrist and pop it when you are tempted to FIX or worry over the A to the detriment of your own growth, needs and nuturing.

And, making a list about what's wonderful and good about yourself is a great idea suggested in another post. Keep focused upon YOU. Take good care of you.

"Keep coming back. It works!"
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Old 07-09-2003, 07:31 AM
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Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Just wanted to stop in and welcome you meme,

You have come to the right place for tons of support. We all do that for each other here......share experiences and thoughts. It really does help focus on your recovery.

Don't let him pull you down.....what he does is STRICKTLY his responsiblity.....not yours.....nor did anything you DO cause him to use. That is a typical behavour of a addict.

Keep sharing and Keep posting,
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Old 07-10-2003, 05:15 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: new york, ny
Posts: 6
thanks for responding

Thanks for responding everyone.
I don't have many people I can talk to about what I go through. Some days I wake up strong and able to handle things that come my way, from my husband. But when those other days come by, all I can do is pray for God to give me strength. I am learning that no matter what is going on I have to be responsible for me, I can't carry my husband's load. As you said "LET GO AND LET GOD". If I don't caught myself I can find myself being pulled down with him. Another problem is that he is in denial of his addictions. He can stop any time he wants (as long as I don't bother him). I finally told him that if I did everything right, he would still find fault. So I continue to pray, have faith and believe that my life is worth living for me and my son. I want our lives to be one of the success stories - that we survived and can now help others get through.
Peace and Love,
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