Hello meme and welcome!
You are not alone, I assure you. As others have stated, addicts in general, blame everyone else for their behavior, b/c if they hold themselves accountable then they would have to act on it, and they don't want to. Some never want to, some have to finally hit their own bottom before they wake up. When my H and I met, he too had been clean for 5 years. He told me he had had a heroin problem that started when he was quite young, he ended up in treatment several years ago and had been totally clean since. He drank, but not very much and not very often. What I didn't know at the time was that he was slowly replacing alcohol for the drugs. Over time his drinking got to the point where he was leaving on 3-5 day binges. He went from the most loving and kind man I'd ever known to a hateful monster. Everything was my fault, our kids' faults, our parents, my friends, my job, you name it. He went to treatment last fall but wasn't serious and relapsed shortly afterwards. He went to treatment again this past May and is currently living in a recovery house. We have been separated since February. He gets out the day after our 2nd anniversary. I was married before to an alcoholic and my current H used to tell me that I was comparing him to my ex and that's why he would hide it from me, lie to me, etc. Talk about a blame game that worked--for a long time. When I finally reached my bottom after he stayed with the kids while I was out of town on business and got drunk again, I told him I was no longer taking any accountability for his choices and I was no longer going to be involved with an active user, I was done. I could have lost my children over his selfishness and it hit me like a ton of bricks that my life was out of control b/c I was allowing him the ease of blame and non-accountability. When he said he wanted to go back to treatment, I took him first to the ER b/c he was talking about suicide and I said to the dr to do whatever they thought was best and call me and let me know. They took him over to detox where he sat for 3 days waiting to get into rehab. I stepped out of the picture completely until I'd had some time to cool off and think. I had gone through this with him before and I remembered a lot of the things the counselors told us such as, if the addict does not get to the root cause(s) of their addictions, they are very likely to relapse. What did this mean to me this time? It meant that I understood, finally, that if he wasn't willing to dig into himself and be honest that he could skate through rehab again, only to come out and relapse again. I wasn't going through it again. I set up a meeting with him and his counselor and I told him straight up that he was not coming home after rehab, that I needed some time and even though we've been separated since Feb I hadn't been doing anything for me and my recovery. It was like a lightbulb went off in my head too--this wasn't just about him, but also about me and I needed some help. Fortunately, he had also come to the same conclusion and said that he had finally 'gotten it' this time.
We have counselling starting this Friday and I don't know yet if I'm ready for him to come home to our house or not when he's out of the reco house. We have had some hard times, and I've struggled a lot with my emotions, but I keep going to Alanon, which I have come to love, I pray every day, and I read a lot on here, other people's posts help me a lot to know I am not going through my struggles alone.
If your H is still treating you the same way while he's sober, I can almost assure you he will relapse again. I believe with all my heart that until they are willing to look deeper and face the pain that is the cause of their disease, they have no chance at sobriety, or at least any length of sobriety. This is my H's 4th time in treatment in the past 9 years. Over the past 2 1/2 mos I have watched him go from an angry, bitter man back to a man who is proud of himself and is learning to love himself again. I almost wish I had this entire time recorded so I could show him.
One last thing, you can't help your H. I have always thought that way too--in fact I would tell him all the time that I would do anything I could do to help him b/c I love him that much. What I have discovered this time is that I can't help him, he has to help himself. What I can do is love him and give him emotional support, set healthy boundaries, and let him be responsible for himself and his recovery. I don't always do that, I get very emotional when things don't go the way I want them to, but nwo it is easier for me to step back and realize that I can't control him either and I just have to have faith that things will work out the way they are supposed to.
I wish you lots of strength and belief in yourself that you are not to blame for your husbands actions, no matter what he tells you. Once you believe that completely, it's like a huge weight lifted off of you.
Best wishes,