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Why do I feel like the bad guy?

Old 07-07-2003, 10:24 PM
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Unhappy Why do I feel like the bad guy?

This has been the worst year of my life. My H was an alchoholic from his first sip but I didn't see the seriousness of it back then. We've been married for a few years and have children. Although I was unhappy with how our lives were, (any excursion had to be planned ahead of time to include alchohol either before during or after and sometimes all three) I found it to be "normal" and "manageable".
It wasn't until my husband physically couldn't get himself to a point where he could get into work that it hit me straight in the face that there was really a problem here. Since then my H has been in and out of detox/rehab centers (only long enough to detox him and then they release him to pursue his own rehab-which he doesn't do.) He has been up and down-lying, deceiving etc. He's been in and out of AA. I kept leaving, he kept promising to change. I would come back and the whole cycle would start again. I told him I would give him one more chance and came back home at which time he vowed that if he screwed up again he would take responsibility for his actions and would willingly grant me a divorce or whatever I wanted. Well, he has since renegged on his part of the deal by drinking and lying about it. He has never been physically abusive to me or the children but the emotional abuse has been overwhelming. Just like all the other posts I've read, he's "better than everyone else", very stubborn, controlling and always wants to be the center of attention by creating a crisis.
I finally reached the end of my rope and left. When he saw the seriousness of my "threat" to leave he started to kick himself into shape. Now I'm left with the dilemma of feeling that somehow I'M wrong for sticking to my "threat" to leave if he's getting his act together. On the other hand I feel that if I give in again, nothing's going to change the pattern we've been living. I finally got myself into a state of mind where I wasn't going to be afraid to start a new life and now I'm wavering. Why am I feeling like the bad guy when he was the one doing all the bad stuff? I clearly put it out there that I wasn't going to stick around if he defaulted and he did, so why am I on the fence?
I'm hoping that this sounds like someone else's story and maybe I can get some insight.
Thanks for reading and helping!
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Old 07-07-2003, 11:56 PM
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Crayolamom,

Do you still love your husband? If your answer is yes, maybe you should consider giving this separation some time before you make anything 'final.'

You've been through a lot, why not give yourself some time to yourself for a while, without thinking you're the bad guy?

I can relate to your situation very well, and I literally thought that I hated my H when we separated this past February. Once I had had some time by myself I realized I don't hate him at all, I just hate his disease.

Hang in there, and pray to your HP.
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Old 07-08-2003, 12:15 AM
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Hi Crayolamom

Time... you have lots of it... nothing HAS to be written in stone right now. Take a deep breath and just let things be just as they are right now - as much as HE might want you to make a decision (of course, he wants you to come back...), you don't have to DO anything.

You said that you are apart from him right now?
Take this time to heal, to regain a sense of who YOU are... start going to meetings, read some great books, get out and exersize, have fun... This is YOUR time. You left for a reason. If the reason was to once and for all GET HIM SOBER, it WON'T work. If the reason was to get some space, find some healing, gain some peace and perspective... if the reason was for YOU, than you are exactly where you need to be. There is no rule that says you have to decide anything right now; sometimes it is better just to "let it be, and let it go"...

Take care, and WELCOME!
Meg
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Old 07-08-2003, 02:57 AM
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(((Crayolamom))) Thank you for sharing.
It's your turn to heal and keep on healing and taking good care of yourself. Maybe the choice is whether to love yourself FIRST, completely and thoroughly before settling for the unknown. Maybe the dynamic is that if you are with him, he would start the pattern up again. Just maybe that's the "trigger" for him to grab the bottle again. Who knows? The main thing is to take good care of you, no matter what. Let the feelings roll on by, guilt, shame, etc. I enjoy listening to audio tapes that suggest letting go of all the guilt, etc. You have a "right" to your feelings. Don't ignore them - go toward them and figure out why you are feeling "like the bad guy". Who told you that you had to rescue someone? Where did it start? Think deeply about why you are feeling this way. It's an interesting process to dig through it all. I think my codependency may have started early on when I was given a little cup by my mother that said, "For a Good Girl".
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Old 07-08-2003, 07:16 AM
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crayolamom-I think I am living your life. We separated for two years. We all live together now. The drinking stops when I make threats, but always starts again.
About two months ago I decided that my children and I didn't deserve to live that way. I asked him to leave. He agreed, but needed a little time to find a place to live. I agreed. Afterall, he is the father of my kids. The girls and I went on vacation for two weeks and came home to find him sober and investigating AA. He still has not gone to a live meeting, but is using this site. I am now in the position of deciding if I should give him the chance to recover. I don't want to make him leave if this is an honest attempt to change his life.
I really understand the guilt. When I made my decision a few months ago, I was almost elated to have finally made a choice for myself. Of course there was guilt about kicking a person with a disease out of the house. Then, I found thhis site, and discovered how many of us live with this disease and the guilt. Go to the power post and read the hooks that keep us boudry-less in relationships. It may be an eye opener.
I hope you can find some peace in YOUR desicions.
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Old 07-08-2003, 07:51 AM
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Hey crayolamom!

I know how you are feeling! Everyone has given you great advice and I would just like to underline the fact that NO decision has to be made immediately!!! You don't have to live under the same roof while you investigate exactly how you feel and IF he is going to try and get it together and begin recovery, he can do that without you living there.

Take some time for yourself,
Constant
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Old 07-08-2003, 11:03 AM
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dirty little secret he doesn't want you to know

The secret that no A wants us to know is that THEY are MORE dependent on us than we are on them. They are emotional vacuums and very, very needy people.

Because they are so needy, they usually don't willingly leave our lives unless we force them out. They may leave temporarily, but always return to suck more life out of us.

They are also self-serving. They will only do something if there is something in it for them. If he is to be permanently sober, there has to be reason for him to want to do it. AND, making YOUR life easier & happier isn't a reason.

The pain of drinking has to become greater than the pain of not drinking. That is the ONLY time it will stop.
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Old 07-08-2003, 11:59 AM
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Hello Crayola.

I understand how you're feeling. I felt a lot of guilt too when I finally acted on what I'd been saying. Poor little deceived thing... how was he to know I meant it this time? Was that really fair warning? Would he have gotten it together sooner if he'd known I was serious at last? Did I do something wrong? I think in my case I was clinging to the notion that there was something I could or should have been able to do to make him change. But when I thought more I about it, I realized I didn't want someone around that I had to bully into behaving... even if it would work. Dino got clean without me. He still had my friendship and all the "you can do its" I could muster, but he didn't have me giving him advice or making the rules for him. He had a lot of ups and downs on the way that I am grateful to have only experienced peripherally.

I think you are wise to consider that going back now might be getting back on the roller coaster. And if you were to return... who would you be doing it for? You or him? If being apart is harder than dealing with the amusement ride, then that's your call. But if you are considering returning because of the pain it is causing him, please think some more. Do you want to keep martyring yourself? Have the sacrifices you have already made amounted to any progress toward sustained improvement? Whatever you decide, do it for you. Your living arrangements are not what will get or keep him sober. You don't owe anyone your sanity or peace of mind. The guilt you feel you haven't earned.

Hugs,
Smoke
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Old 07-08-2003, 01:06 PM
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Hi Crayolamom,

Now is your time to join Alanon and take care of yourself. You don't need to decide anything right anyway, in fact we shouldn't be making big life changing decisions in the first year.. Take care of yourself Crayola AND STOP FEELING GUILTY. He needs to live the natural consequences of his behaviour. If you go back now your cycle will just continue.

Ngaire
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