(((Crayolamom))) Thank you for sharing.
It's your turn to heal and keep on healing and taking good care of yourself. Maybe the choice is whether to love yourself FIRST, completely and thoroughly before settling for the unknown. Maybe the dynamic is that if you are with him, he would start the pattern up again. Just maybe that's the "trigger" for him to grab the bottle again. Who knows? The main thing is to take good care of you, no matter what. Let the feelings roll on by, guilt, shame, etc. I enjoy listening to audio tapes that suggest letting go of all the guilt, etc. You have a "right" to your feelings. Don't ignore them - go toward them and figure out why you are feeling "like the bad guy". Who told you that you had to rescue someone? Where did it start? Think deeply about why you are feeling this way. It's an interesting process to dig through it all. I think my codependency may have started early on when I was given a little cup by my mother that said, "For a Good Girl".