Why do I feel like the bad guy?
This has been the worst year of my life. My H was an alchoholic from his first sip but I didn't see the seriousness of it back then. We've been married for a few years and have children. Although I was unhappy with how our lives were, (any excursion had to be planned ahead of time to include alchohol either before during or after and sometimes all three) I found it to be "normal" and "manageable".
It wasn't until my husband physically couldn't get himself to a point where he could get into work that it hit me straight in the face that there was really a problem here. Since then my H has been in and out of detox/rehab centers (only long enough to detox him and then they release him to pursue his own rehab-which he doesn't do.) He has been up and down-lying, deceiving etc. He's been in and out of AA. I kept leaving, he kept promising to change. I would come back and the whole cycle would start again. I told him I would give him one more chance and came back home at which time he vowed that if he screwed up again he would take responsibility for his actions and would willingly grant me a divorce or whatever I wanted. Well, he has since renegged on his part of the deal by drinking and lying about it. He has never been physically abusive to me or the children but the emotional abuse has been overwhelming. Just like all the other posts I've read, he's "better than everyone else", very stubborn, controlling and always wants to be the center of attention by creating a crisis.
I finally reached the end of my rope and left. When he saw the seriousness of my "threat" to leave he started to kick himself into shape. Now I'm left with the dilemma of feeling that somehow I'M wrong for sticking to my "threat" to leave if he's getting his act together. On the other hand I feel that if I give in again, nothing's going to change the pattern we've been living. I finally got myself into a state of mind where I wasn't going to be afraid to start a new life and now I'm wavering. Why am I feeling like the bad guy when he was the one doing all the bad stuff? I clearly put it out there that I wasn't going to stick around if he defaulted and he did, so why am I on the fence?
I'm hoping that this sounds like someone else's story and maybe I can get some insight.
Thanks for reading and helping!