PrettyinPink

... I hardly know where to begin. Then again, from what I've read, looks like y'all may have heard it all before.

I know my husband of 18 years is an alcoholic, and has been for a long time. I'm often able to pretend it's not so, as he's the most high-functioning, hard working alcoholic you've ever seen. It changes nothing... when he's not at work or asleep, he's either drunk or on his way there, and it's killing me.

Tonight, the weirdest thing happened. He's working nights, the kids are in bed, and I'm here alone in front of this computer, watching videos and chatting online... beats the usual alternative of listening to him slur his words and try to pretend it's because he works so hard. Anyway, I digress.

I was on youtube, and played an old Todd Rundgren video. In part of it, during the middle of the song, he looks right into the camera and winks. I burst out crying. I never cry, never. All I could think was that it had been years since my husband showed me that kind of casual affection, at least affection that didn't have some kind of motive attached to it, like having sex with him when he could barely walk. Sad, huh?

I got online, looking for support, to find someone who understands. I live in a nice house, drive a nice car and have nice things. Some people would be appalled to know how miserable I am, from the outside we appear to be the perfect family. My husband drinks at least a 12 pack of beer every day of his life, even left a hospital bed a couple of years ago to meet a friend in the parking lot to drink beer, a day after surgery.

I just miss affection, casual conversation and companionship. In his mind, he gives me all of these things, and it's my hard heart pushing him away. How can I not push him away? Once a handsome man, he now looks 20 years older than he is, speaks like a disabled person much of the time and stinks of beer. Sometimes he makes my skin crawl, I'm not even sure I still love him. Of course he accuses me of affairs, and can't imagine why else I reject him. I haven't touched another man in 20 years, and he has no reason to believe otherwise except for his own paranoia.

We have kids still in school, and a certain standing in the community, although there are those aware of his "love for beer." A lot of people think he's a good time guy, and I'm just the stick in the mud always trying to bring him down. It's really sad, you know, in ways, he's a great guy. He's highly respected by his employer and does an outstanding job at work. This makes it even harder for me.

My kids will be crushed if we leave, they enjoy having a 2 parent family, and since we live in a small town, we'll be the talk of the town if I do anything about this situation. If I ask him to control his drinking, like I do on a nearly daily basis, he cuts me off an assures me he has no problem, except for working so damned hard to support us. I know it's not true.

I could go on and on, but I'm sure you get the picture. I feel hopeless and trapped. Can anyone give me any advice? I'm so tired of feeling this way. Please don't judge me for the things I've said, I know I sound awful.

denny57

Hey there Pretty in Pink, welcome to SR!

I was just getting ready to sign off and read your post. I can relate very much. I'll come back tomorrow and share some more of my story, but rest assured you'll find no judgment here and you don't sound awful, you sound sad. I can relate.

Try to have a good night's sleep. You'll get a very warm welcome here.

((()))

PrettyinPink

Oh thank you, thank you so much for the kind words, Denny! I'm feeling weepy again, not sure what's going on over here. I appreciate your kindness.

cuttlefish

hi!

I log onto this board from time to time, and I clicked on your post and it stood out to me. I can relate to the being trapped feeling, and for me it mostly came from the whole "what will others think?" line that went through my head so often. Whatever you do, you need to combat that line of thinking. It took me a while to come out of my own assumptions of people's thoughts and actions, and do what I needed to be happy and function. Surprisingly, a lot more people understood than I had thought.

You don't sound awful....you're doing something healthy, getting your thoughts out to others, rather than keeping them inside. Be honest with yourself, whether good or bad.

Keep posting....this board has helped me out immensely, even if its just reading others' posts.

WantsOut

Hey PiP, I can relate to your story on many levels. My exAH was similar to yours - six figure salary, nice home, vacations, nice cars, material security. Mine was even affectionate without strings - he just loved me a whole lot. On the outside there was much to envy. Inside, the reality was a mess.

He worked like a dog and never drank at work, but within an hour of coming home he'd start in on the 12-pack. It seems the whole last two years of our marriage was one long episode of him passed out on the couch reeking of beer. He was an isolating drinker which means no bars or beer buddies, just him chain smoking cigs and pouring one beer after another down his gullet while he worked on his computer. After a while our sex life was gone. He was far more interested in online porn. I now realize it was because intimacy was too much for him at that point.

It has not been an easy road. I have sacrificed a certain amount of security but my life now sure beats the life I was living. By the end I would stand in the living room and watching him snore and smell him reek and all my love was gone - all I could feel was contempt and rage.

OTOH here I am a year later - last night I had dinner with friends and felt so good I came home literally singing. The home I came back to is quiet and peaceful. There is not a beer can in the whole place. I slept well. I got here by learning the prinicpals of alanon and through the support of this board.

Welcome ... and remember that the journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step.

keepingmyjoy

We are so in the same place you and I! Thanks for posting. I have gotten so much help and support here. Feeling hopeless and trapped is a hard place to be. I am starting to learn ways to take care of myself and detach from my AH's behavior so that I can find joy and happiness each day with my son and daughter and not let him ruin those moments etc. I can't leave yet, but do have back up plans if I had to get out in a hurry if he got totally nasty. There is alot of wisdom here and I wish I could be here every day!

I miss the loving guy I married. He is just about gone now. No cuddles, or anything for that matter. It is hard not to have that connection. But, focus on you and what you need. Take care of yourself and your kids. Find joy where you can right now...and savor it. Don't dismiss it quickly, let that moment of joy fill your heart. That helps me focus on good things and not dwell on the reeking mess on the couch.

Wish I could be more insightful...but you are in my thoughts and prayers. We will all get through together.

respektingme

PrettyinPink,

I'm where you are, except my AH has been sober now a little over 30 days. The only reason he probably even got sober was because he realized big changes were about to happen. I am gaining strength in Alanon. I have learned what codependency is, and it is me. I am trying not to be that. Codependency, at least to me, means looking to someone else for validation instead of knowing who you are yourself. So, if you are used to him not showing you affection and love, do you feel empty inside as a result? Do you even know how you feel?

My AH is also a high functioning alcoholic. But ya know, the contempt I was having in my heart was really starting to outweigh the flat screen tv we have on the wall. He even told me during his last stupor, "You won't leave me, you like the money." HA!!! HA HA HA HA!!! I told him I'd rather live in peace in a shack, than in hell in a mansion. He may or may not believe me. That's his choice. But I'm learning to set boundaries and goals. I like goals. Never had life goals before. But now I have an image of what my future will include, and it won't be booze. Just my opinion.

I recommend checking out an Alanon meeting.

splendra

((((PiP)))))

Welcome! I am not going to judge you but, I do know that many people in your situation are very concerned about how others see them.

If his drinking makes you feel like there is a problem than it is a problem. You most likely do need help dealing with his drinking. Alanon is great for people like you who live with someone who drinks. If you are concerned about who will know Alanon is a safe place to talk with people who understand and work on your issues.

We often think it is the drinkers problem and they are making us miserable and to a certain degree they are helping us be miserable but, it is our thinking that makes us miserable. We do things that we do not realize that supports their drinking and makes it easier for them to continue their destructive behavior.

We keep secrets and do things that we really don't want to do. If you are having sex with your husband while he is drunk this is telling him that you don't mind the smell and whatever else. Have you talked to him about it when he is not drinking? He may not realize that you are repulsed. Of course talking to him might upset him and put him on the defensive and he might turn it around to be your fault.

It is not your fault that he drinks but, how you deal with it is your responsibility to yourself...

respektingme

Amen on the sex thing. I've seen that topic here before. Who wants to have sex with a googly-eyed man who stinks? Puhleeze!! When my AH isn't drinking and is ready for work, he looks and smells good. After he's been drinking and dipping, EW!!! ICK!! And then he takes the rejection personally. Hmmmmm. Well if I dripped sweat into his dinner every night, and he didn't want to eat it, would that mean my cooking was necessarily bad? Or that I was just ruining it for him? "What? What's wrong with my sweat? I don't think it tastes bad. You don't love me. Wahhhhh"

PrettyinPink

Gosh, thanks to everyone for understanding.

Funny, when I woke up this morning, my first thought was guilt about what I'd posted last night, as if I'd betrayed him. When he comes in from work in the morning, he's not drunk yet, although he's already begun his 3-4 beers before going to sleep thing. Anyway, he's usually so nice at this time, more like the man I married. I love it when he works nights.

Anyway, below I've attached the epic length letter I wrote him a week ago, then never gave him, I'm too scared. He's not violent or anything, but he can surely make my life miserable when confronted. It says everything I want to say but never can. I'm not sure where to go from here, but I think I will seek out an alanon meeting, that seems a good place to start. Thanks again everyone.

Dear T-------

I’m only writing this because I know if I try to talk to you, you’ll get mad, put your hand up, tell me you’re a “sorry motherf*cker” and walk out of the room, to crack open yet another beer. I’m not in the mood for it… ever again.

I’m worn out, exhausted and beaten down by your ADDICTIONS. I don’t think you have any idea of what normal is anymore, but I can tell you that normal people don’t drink all day, every day, gallons and gallons of alcohol. And when asked to please try and cut down, they don’t lay on the couch sulking until they fall asleep, only waking up when someone else dares to try and change the channel on the TV.

And me? I get home from work, fall asleep, maybe go for a walk, but following that, I end up in front of the computer monitor, enjoying the company of friends online who can “talk” to me about what happened at work today, what we saw on the news, what my kids accomplished and how proud I am, or what the latest gossip is. I need the company and adult conversation, because God knows, my partner, the man I pledged to spend my evenings with for the rest of my life, is on the back porch getting trashed again. It’s a cop-out, I know, a way to avoid facing my problems head on like an adult. Sadly, I don’t look forward to going home most days.

You’ve showed up drunk in front of everyone we know, and everywhere we go. I’ll never forget the humiliation of you showing up to L----s Christmas program loaded, your breath smelling so strong of beer I could see people 2 rows up turning around to look at you. And then they look at me, and then turn away, in pity. Everyone in town knows about the problem at the J-------’s house, notice how almost no one comes by to drink with you anymore, save for an under-aged kid with social problems? There’s a reason for that T-----, and it’s that people know you’re standing close to the edge and they don’t want to go down with you.

Don’t even get me started on our “sex” life. You know all about that death of it, right? And you think I’m a b*tch for not wanting to be close to you. If you’ll think back over the years, I used to be a pretty willing partner, huh? Do you really think it’s me who changed? If I changed, it’s because of the fact that somewhere along the line I lost my fun, interesting husband, whom I trusted, respected and admired. Now, a man crawls into bed next to me, smelling of alcohol from across the room, a man who can’t carry on an intelligent conversation or talk without slurring his words because he’s put away a dozen or more beers since 6 PM, and now he wants me to be romantic. Sorry T-----, it makes my skin crawl. And guess what? I miss having a normal sex life, I feel like that was taken away from me, again, thanks to ADDICTION. Pretty ironic, huh? And I guess it’s easier for you to suspect me of having affairs than to face the ugly truth. I haven’t touched another man since the day we met and that’s a fact. You can believe it if you want to or call me a liar, it no longer matters to me.

I’ve tried and tried to hang in, to convince myself that there are a lot worse things than alcoholism, that your good qualities outweigh your bad. I’ve tried to blame myself and have wondered if I’m such a bad person that you have to get drunk every night to be able to live with me. Maybe it’s true. I’ve tried not to be envious of the happy couples I see, the ones who laugh and talk, go out together and seem to genuinely enjoy each others company. Being around C--- and T------ just breaks my heart, there is such affection there and I haven’t known that feeling for years, and I wonder if I ever will again.


The issue with the bills lately is only a symptom of the bigger problem… ADDICTION. I’m sure I’m at fault here, too… for years, I’ve robbed Peter to pay Paul and cover the bills any way I can so that you always have unlimited cash sitting in the bank, for whatever you might want to spend it on. Maybe if I just would have sat back and let the checks bounce left and right, or the credit rating go straight in the toilet, you would have cared enough to take some responsibility with our finances. I know you save money and for that I’m grateful, but it doesn’t change the fact that our everyday budget is a mess and as usual, it’s my problem to fix. I wonder if you realize that by making me handle so many of the bills on my own that you’ve taught me that I can live on my paycheck alone? There was a time when I wouldn’t have believed that to be possible, but now I know full well that it is.

I’m sure you remember the way our long awaited cruise ended (or maybe you don’t.) Once again, ADDICTION reared her ugly head on our vacation, as usual tarnishing the memories of the kids and I with alcohol and anger. I came home from that trip and set a deadline for myself to either find acceptance of my life the way it is, or to leave, by August 1. Funny, it didn’t take long for me to back off on my deadline because I knew there was no way in hell things were going to change by that time. But now, I know more than ever that I’ve given over more of my life than I ever should have to ADDICTION, and I can’t get those years back. I guess you could say that it’s obvious that I’m going to have to make a decision here, and soon. I can’t do this any longer.

I’m tired of having to prepare to attend every event by taking a deep breath and nicely asking you to control your drinking for the day or evening, or even the next few hours. I’m inevitably met with hostility on your part, as if I’m ridiculous for even mentioning it, yet in no time at all, there you are, slurring your words while I make excuses for you and count the minutes until we can go home and away from the public eye. I do still have enough pride to want people to think we’re “normal”. I’m tired of looking for you during important moments in our life, such as our son’s team being eliminated from the Little League Regional Tournament with him in tears, only to find you gone, riding around in your truck drinking instead of being there for us.

You’re ruining your health. For a man who once looked 10 years younger than his real age, you now appear about 20 years older than you are. That’s not coming from me, that’s from others who often seem surprised that I’m married to “such an older man.” You used to care about your appearance, always taking pride in your body and your clothing. That is no more, and hasn’t been for years. I’d be willing to bet that your liver will begin to rebel again day now, in fact I believe a doctors exam would reveal that there is already significant damage. The same goes for your heart. You’ll eventually become diabetic; just as all alcoholics do, probably in the not to distant future. All that, and smoking issues such as cancer and emphysema looming large as well… do you think I owe it to you to stick around for all of that? I don’t, because I’ve begged you to change.

Dealing with the problem, T-----, means more than drinking a few less beers for the rest of the week then falling right back into your old habits. It means changing your life and the way you’re living it… if indeed you care about me and the kids staying. Maybe you don’t, maybe you’re quite happy with your life and I’m the one with the problem. That’s fine too, just say the word and I’ll be gone. Maybe there’s a woman out there more suited to your lifestyle, who’ll sit with you and enjoy spending every evening smoking and drinking on the deck. I don’t want you to be unhappy either, T----- and I mean that. We all deserve to live out our life in a way that makes us happy and whole. I just know that mine is not.

You have some wonderful qualities, T-----. You’re a hard worker and always have been. You love the boys and spend plenty of time with them, albeit most often under the influence of alcohol. They love you as well, but don’t think for a minute they don’t come and confide their worries and anger to me when you’re drunk… they know. You help around the house more than most men, and I know I’m lucky in that way. All in all, though, none of makes up for having to live with alcohol as the elephant sitting in our living room.

If you are interested in trying to save our marriage, we need counseling, and lots of it. If you need rehab, and I think you do, I’ll support that too. If you’d prefer to just shake hands and go our separate ways, I can do that, as well. All I know is that I cannot continue on our current course, which is setting a horrible example for the kids and making me feel like a loser and a laughingstock. Please, please tell me what it is you want to do T-----, because if you refuse to make a choice, then I’m going to have to. I think you know by now what that choice will be.

I feel like there is so much more that I could say, but I know none of it matters. I also think I know how you’re going to react to this letter – by slamming doors, throwing things, peeling out in your truck, yelling at the kids, hurting the dog, etc. I don’t like it, but I’ve learned that there are much, much worse things. The ball is in your court, T-----, it’s your choice to know what the next move is. I’m sorry it had to come to this, I really am. I don’t think you’ll ever know how it hurts me that my dream turned out this way.

Love, P------

denny57

Thank you for sharing, Pink

atalose

Instead of putting your future into the hands of this man waiting for his next move, I think you should get iyourself nto al-anon or co-dependency meeting in your area.

You have waited long enough on him, put your own future into your own hands today.

ARealLady

Dear PiP.....first of all welcome to SR and (((((((((PiP)))))))))) for all that you are facing.

I read your very eloquent and sincere letter to your AH and kept asking myself so why doesn't PiP just leave and then I remembered you have two children...

My kids will be crushed if we leave, they enjoy having a 2 parent family, and since we live in a small town, we'll be the talk of the town if I do anything about this situation.

May I suggest that, in view of everything you say about your situation in your letter to your AH, that your children probably already know what their father is doing? And what is happening is sending very confusing messages to them about relationships, roles etc.

Please get yourself into Alanon and find a support group for your children.

ARL

embraced2000

((((pink)))))

thank you.

hadenoughnow

((Pip))

I was where you are now years ago, some things changed (I stopped being intimate, stopped making sure there was money for him, stopped enabling in general and got my own act together and took care of myself) but one thing did not change, he still drinks and now I have to back up my promise that his drinking will no longer be MY problem one way or the other.

Take care of yourself whatever you decide (or he decides) to do.

Barbara52

Absolutely! Kids are very observant and generally are well aware when things are not right at home.

PrettyinPink, one of the things to consider is whether you want you children growing up thinking your AH's behavior and addiction is a "normal" way of life. Do you want them to have him as their role model for a father and husband?

I grew up with alcoholic parents and it has had a life long effect on me, including being part of the reason I ended up married to an alcoholic. I knew when I was very little that mom and dad had problems even if I couldn't have put it into words. I also "knew" that I wasn't to talk about it to anyone. I "knew" I couldn't depend on my parents to be parents.

Barbara52

As for actually giving your AH that letter, that is of course you choice. What I see as important about that letter is that is shows you are thinking about and trying to understand your situation. Continue down that route and figure out what it is you need to do for yourself and your children to ensure you have the life you deserve.

BBQBOY

My name is Ned and I also was a highly "functional" active alcoholic, now a highly functioning recovering alcoholic. My wife and I married 20 yrs ago, I was an alkie then, but neither of us knew it. During these years the disease took over very slowly, we both saw the trend and talked about it. I told her I was taking care of it ...really I just got better at hiding it ..

Before long this addiction had firmly taken hold...I convinced myself that as long as I was productive.. who cares....Right? This disease had taken over my common sense(not much to begin with) I was lost , an early stage 3 alkie, still "functioning" barely. My wife was supportive, even with all my false starts with recovery. She then had enough. I was destroying our family (two girls) and our marriage.

A little more than a year ago she expressed her concerns in the same terms you mention in your letter, also brought up the "seperating thing" . She talked in very frank terms, I've never heard her talk that way before , IT SCARED ME.....then she produced letters from my kids, explaining what I will miss in their lives if i continue my path..... Maybe I was just ready to listen at that point, but something clicked at that point.....

I asked what she (my wife) wanted me to do....SHE HAD A PLAN....thank god because I had already proven I had none...she made it known this was the LAST PLAN...I was off to rehab and start my recovery to save my marriage and family, and today I continue my recovery for MYSELF... I believe to this day that my wife, family, friends & fellowship have given me a 2nd life...How lucky am I?????

Pretty, I don't have any advice for you...just this alkie's story!!!!


Ned

parentrecovers

just a welcome to you, pink - keep coming back! k

lostnfound1961

Judge you? Oh my gosh no!! We don't do that here and besides, I think your married to my husband. At least it sounds like him. I so understand about a lot of what you have said. Mine only touches me to get sex too. Yah...Drunk as a skunk, grabbing his crotch and making a face at me. Well that'll turn a girl on every time. NOT!!

I am so sorry you are going through this. Only you know what to do. I'm still working up the currage to move on my self, and I don't have kids.
D