Such a Long, Sad Story...
... I hardly know where to begin. Then again, from what I've read, looks like y'all may have heard it all before.
I know my husband of 18 years is an alcoholic, and has been for a long time. I'm often able to pretend it's not so, as he's the most high-functioning, hard working alcoholic you've ever seen. It changes nothing... when he's not at work or asleep, he's either drunk or on his way there, and it's killing me.
Tonight, the weirdest thing happened. He's working nights, the kids are in bed, and I'm here alone in front of this computer, watching videos and chatting online... beats the usual alternative of listening to him slur his words and try to pretend it's because he works so hard. Anyway, I digress.
I was on youtube, and played an old Todd Rundgren video. In part of it, during the middle of the song, he looks right into the camera and winks. I burst out crying. I never cry, never. All I could think was that it had been years since my husband showed me that kind of casual affection, at least affection that didn't have some kind of motive attached to it, like having sex with him when he could barely walk. Sad, huh?
I got online, looking for support, to find someone who understands. I live in a nice house, drive a nice car and have nice things. Some people would be appalled to know how miserable I am, from the outside we appear to be the perfect family. My husband drinks at least a 12 pack of beer every day of his life, even left a hospital bed a couple of years ago to meet a friend in the parking lot to drink beer, a day after surgery.
I just miss affection, casual conversation and companionship. In his mind, he gives me all of these things, and it's my hard heart pushing him away. How can I not push him away? Once a handsome man, he now looks 20 years older than he is, speaks like a disabled person much of the time and stinks of beer. Sometimes he makes my skin crawl, I'm not even sure I still love him. Of course he accuses me of affairs, and can't imagine why else I reject him. I haven't touched another man in 20 years, and he has no reason to believe otherwise except for his own paranoia.
We have kids still in school, and a certain standing in the community, although there are those aware of his "love for beer." A lot of people think he's a good time guy, and I'm just the stick in the mud always trying to bring him down. It's really sad, you know, in ways, he's a great guy. He's highly respected by his employer and does an outstanding job at work. This makes it even harder for me.
My kids will be crushed if we leave, they enjoy having a 2 parent family, and since we live in a small town, we'll be the talk of the town if I do anything about this situation. If I ask him to control his drinking, like I do on a nearly daily basis, he cuts me off an assures me he has no problem, except for working so damned hard to support us. I know it's not true.
I could go on and on, but I'm sure you get the picture. I feel hopeless and trapped. Can anyone give me any advice? I'm so tired of feeling this way. Please don't judge me for the things I've said, I know I sound awful.