WantsOut

Oh I can identify with the money stuff too. He spent and I scrambled. Now that he's on his own his money is a huge mess. He said he figured since I always made things work it was all ok. Technically it was ok in that we weren't behind on anything, but I spent a lot of time worrying about money while he whistled zippity-do-dah and cracked another beer.

2Growstrong

Hi PiP [I] stayed for the kids and for empty promises for 10 years. Now I know that caused them more damage than leaving ever would have. Just get to alanon and keep reading and posting here. Everone understands... we are all in the same story with different plot twists and characters. You are on the path now and just take it one step at a time. Take care of yourself and your kids. /I]

Latte

I am an adult child of an alcholic and an addict/alcoholic myself. I am also horribly co-dependent. My mother stuck it out until I was out of the house and my sister was in HS. She was horribly enabling and I learned from her. As an ACOA I can say that if my mother would have left, my heart would have broken but so many things would be different today.

I am not saying that I am angry or upset at her for not leaving because I have learned so much about myself and my recovery has saved my life.

My father is still active in his alcoholism but I am working on me, because of the rooms of AA/NA and ACOA. I have coping tools today.

ODAAT.

steve11694

nice to hear another happy ending. recovery.

steve11694

pink, if u go 2 alanon meetings, tell him where u r going and invite him along. that way you can avoid the paranoid accusations

penneypoo

I agree with everything you've said, it's a very painful letter, but your feelings need to be heard. Give it too him, he may be mad, but he needs to hear it. I wouldn't ask him to make a choice, his choice is a 12 pack. I would choose to be happy for myself, and you can't do that on 24 hour damage control. He may NEVER choose to stop, sounds like you regret the 18 years, how many more years can you waste? Make a plan for yourself and your kids. You deserve to be happy!

wraybear

wow. Yes, i think many of us could have written your letter to your AH. Hope it is somewhat comforting to know that so many of us have been/are in your shoes and you have absolutely no reason to feel guilty becuase you have done nothing wrong!
(Mr Christian just said that on another post!)

YOU DESERVE A HAPPY LIFE - and when living with an addict, you are the only one who will see to it that you have a happy life. Can't wait around on an addict to change, can only change yourself!

HOPE YOU CAN FIND PEACE, SERENITY, HAPPINESS VERY VERY SOON!

keepingmyjoy

I am so touched by your letter. Like I said earlier, we have alot in common. Your feelings are so like mine. Seeing your feelings in writing to him just really struck me.

I agree that if you give him a choice, he will choose the beer every time. I have been embarrassed so many times, and no one ever comes to our house either anymore.

I hope that you go to alanon and read as much as you can to build yourself up. You are stronger than you know. I wish I were further along in the process to say something more useful. Thank you for posting you letter, it really helped me.

IMHO, you should give him the letter. I have yet to "unleash" my feelings about issues for us and that is painful in itself just holding them in for "the right time". Give him the letter....it might not wake him up to face his addiction, but you will feel better that you communicated and that will help you later whatever choices you may make.

Let us know how things are going....keep in touch.

respektingme

I love the letter. I might make a copy and save it to give to my AH someday. I think you should give it to him.

PrettyinPink

Sorry, double post.

PrettyinPink

First of all, I want to thank everyone for their kind responses, it meant the world to me. I still haven't handled my business the way I should have, but I'm working on it.

I never gave him the letter, I was too scared. Scared of his reaction, and scared of the changes his recovery may bring to our life. As much as I despise alcoholism, I also hate living with the jerk he becomes when he's craving alcohol and trying to resist. It's unbearable for all of us. Our two teen-aged sons seem to love him without condition, no matter what.

Two weeks ago I ended up in the doctors office, covered in head to toe in hives, deemed by the doctor to be a stress reaction. I requested and received a mild Valium prescription, which seems to be helping. Ironic, huh?

After my last post I found out he'd been snooping through my web history, and although he never found this site as far as I know, his ugly accusations were enough to make me admit to him that I was considering Al Anon. He begged me not to go and promised to change. That lasted a few days of misery for all of us.

Lat weekend he got so drunk he got up out of bed in the middle of night and staggered around the room in the dark, trying to find the restroom. I woke up when I heard him thrashing around in the closet, where he stayed for at last 5 minutes. I left him there.

He finally made his way out and found the restroom, where he stayed for a good while again, when I woke up to the sound of running water. I knew what I'd find when I walked in later, as it's happened before... excrement smeared on the walls and sink. I have no idea what this means, but it's vile and if it wasn't for the fact that I don't want the kids to see it, I'd refuse to clean it.

Today he tripped up and admitted that he'd been snooping through my email. He won't admit it, but he's looking for evidence of an affair. Since I'm rarely having sex with him, he assumes I must be with someone else - it couldn't be that I'm completely turned off by 48 year olds with toilet training problems, could it be?

Would you believe that I'm an attractive, educated and gainfully employed person dealing with this garbage, and so is HE? I'm not without resources, so why am I still here? I wanted to go to an Al Anon meeting tonight, but I was too scared. Scared of who would be there, and scared of what changing my life will mean. I told him today that his drinking is the problem, and he admitted that I was right. Then I got the same old "Everyone would be better off if I just disappeared, it's all my fault, blah, blah, blah..."

I feel weak and hopeless, like I'm stuck in this cycle forever. I find myself wishing the drinking would finally make him terribly sick so maybe he could see for himself that he's dying a little every day. Damned if doesn't come out smelling like a rose every time he sees the doctor, and I'm the one full of hives and taking happy pills over here.

If I were giving advice to my friend in this situation, I would tell her to leave and never look back. Why can't I do the same for myself?

Buffalo66

Hi, I just want to say Hi, and welcome, and Alanon is my Godsend right now. I am learning, still, but, it is definitely helping. My A is not functional at all, and I almost wonder if it would be worse to be in your shoes. I have been alone all this time, and with a young son. The A just acts the role of a drive by dad. He is there by phone, and when he wants to pretend he has a family. I now have NO CONTACT as much as I can be strong for it... I am learning through Alanon to let go...heck, the way I had been doing things certainly wasnt working. B66

hmbld

PP, I have so been where you are, as most of us here. My AH years ago found out that I was posting on here, and created an account himself and proceeded to go on a tirade. Getting yourself healthy is terrifying to an addict. I'm willing to bet he's not really looking to see if you are having an affair, I bet it's moreso an obsession to find out if you are telling his secrets to anyone. At least that was the case with my AH.

I also know how trapped you feel with living a double life. I lived that for 12 years before my AH hit bottom, and took us all with him. The secret was out in a very public way for us. But you know what? It didn't kill me, and it's such a weight off of my shoulders not having to play the Stepford wife. He's damaged, I'm damaged, everyone knows it now. It's a relief really. I swear, I'd have never in a million years have thought I could possibly feel that way.

What you are going through can and probably will get worse. I highly recommend you keep coming back here to prepare yourself and gain knowledge and strength. I felt so utterly alone and ashamed of my double life. It is so nice being able to come on here and talk about it without someone looking at you like you have three heads, or that you are the biggest idiot on the face of the Earth, because that is what I felt like. I was absolutely floored when I found this place. So many stories mirrored my own. Your's most certainly does.

I guess what I'm trying to get across with my long rambling post, is that you are not alone. We're all here for you.

hmbld

Oh honey, I HAVE given that advice, day after day to all of my friends who thought my life was perfect, so they'd come to me for advice. I felt like such a hypocrite because I was so good at giving advice, but I couldn't manage to use my own advice on my own sad life.

hmbld

I did the same thing, and even went so far as to think of ways that I could help him along. I don't know how many nights I wanted to light a cigarette and stuff it in the couch cushions where he was passed out drunk.

CBrown

PP, none of us can make the hard decisions you have to make, and I have never had to fully walk your walk. But I will say that reading your post breaks my heart. Did you know there are online AA meetings? Perhaps you could start with that? I really encourage you to keep reading and posting on here too. I have found it to be a tremendous help!

Most of all I will pray for you ... that you find strength to deal with this, courage to face what you will have to do, and eventually PEACE.

queenteree

Prettyinpink, I read your letter to your AH this morning as I am having my coffee and starting my day with a real estate agent coming to possibly put my house up for sale. Your letter could have been written by me to my AH last year (if you want, you can read my older posts for my history). I too have all the nice things you have, my kids are grown but I have grandkids that I babysit for 3 or 4 nights a week, after working a full time job, so they are growing up with a drunk grandfather. I was lonley, isolated, wanted the man I loved so much who was sober for over 14 years at one point. My AH has alcoholic liver disease (but according to him, only "fatty liver"), doesn't have cirrhosis yet, yet continued to drink 18 -24 beers per day! Other than that, he is fine. I was the one, like you, who was going to the dr. w/chest pains that was caused by an inflammed sternum from stress, eye twiches from stress, and I'm smoking a pack and half of cigarettes a day (and I don't even like cigarettes!!!). 4 mos. ago (after my second painful bout w/inflammed sternum), I was ready to leave AH. He drank himself to a blood alcohol level of 400, threatened to kill himself, my son called 911, AH wound up in hospital psych ward for 2 days. When he got home, he called the rehab he went to 20 years ago and we brought him up there. He was going to do it this time (and it cost us a pretty penny, since it is private it wasn't covered by insurance). He asked me to trust him and give him one more chance to make this work. He claimed he did it for 14 years last time, so I decided to give it a shot. 4 months later and we are back where we were 5 mos. ago, drinking his 18 beers per night, denying it, I'm not supportive, I want other men, I never loved him, etc. We haven't spoken or seen each other for days (he sleeps upstairs, I downstairs, he's gone to work then come home, go upstairs and drink himself into oblivion). With the help of Alanon, which I too, was like you when I first started going, but please give it a try, you won't be sorry, I have finally made up my mind that I must sell the house and move on w/my life. I have become AWARE of the fact that he can't/won't ever stop drinking, I have ACCEPTED that fact and now I must take ACTION, which is to do for me. If it doesn't work exactly as I had hoped, it still can't get any worse than it is now. It's not fair to me or my grandkids. Just remember, you are strong, we all are to live the way we live w/A's in our lives. No matter what your decision, you will make it.
Terri

Godhelpme

Hello, PIP.

I'm way behind on my reading here; sorry I'm only just now reaching out to you.

Minus the children, I could've written much that was in your post.

Living with active alcoholism is crazy-making. It's torturous to watch someone slowly kill themselves....and all the while, it kills the spouse, too.

Sorry you're in this position, but hope you'll find comfort, support and the strength you need here to make a change.

All the best to you.
GHM

CBrown

"I’m sure you remember the way our long awaited cruise ended (or maybe you don’t.) Once again, ADDICTION reared her ugly head on our vacation, as usual tarnishing the memories of the kids and I with alcohol and anger."

It will be a long time before I, too, can take a cruise again. I think we booked it three months before we went. There was so much anticipation! We'd talk about the ports, the entertainment, the shopping all the things we were going to do. My daughter and her friend were going and R would ask me about every day if the girls were still excited. He took such delight in our excitement.

We never went to a single show. From the time we met R at the airport, it was a constant quest to find the next bar. We trudged through the ports with him complaining every step about how cruel we were not to find him somewhere to rest and have a drink. After a long bar visit in St. Thomas, R decided to go back to the ship and we three girls took taxi rides to a couple beaches. We started out at one and got back to the ship at five. I couldn't even enjoy myself there, I had that "feeling" of how I'd find him on the ship. I walked into the stateroom and he was in a chair glaring at me. He'd gone through my notebook (things to do, notes to myself) and had written "waterhead" on every page. There were tiny notes all around the room on my personal things with "you're a waterhead" or "stone-cold freak" or variations of that. He handed me a notebook he'd given me as a gift before the cruise and had written "I guess y'all decided to stay on the island for good. Well done, girls! Drop me a line sometime. R (Do I still have to pay for all the cabins? I wonder ...) He was drunk, of course, having cleaned out the mini-bar, so that meant it was naptime. He laid down on the bed and started telling me he didn't like the girls (my daughter and her friend). Had no use for them, thought they would amount to nothing. "They're going to be criminals and end up in jail." I stared at him throughout the speech, calmly pulled out my luggage and started packing. He figured out he'd gone too far, and the friendly mask came back. "I wasn't serious. I was just hurt because you'd been gone so long." There was never any closeness between us after that day. You women know that feeling, you draw away from his touch, cringe when he wants to be close. He's destroyed the intimacy and everything good between you, and it's gone.

And that's just one incident on the cruise. There were a few good moments, but the horrible ones overshadowed those. The kids were quite a bit on their own, so they were having the time of their life. I was playing nursemaid to an addict. What sticks out most is the constant dread. Like standing in line waiting, looking back to see R waiting, and seeing "that look" growing on his face. Trying to calm him, to keep him from making a scene. He'd switch from Jekkyl to Hyde in the matter of minutes.

Remembering this and typing it all really brings it all back. Once you have the detachment and calm, then remember scenes triggered by something someone says, you realize you DON'T WANT to go back to that. It's no way to live.

Thanks for letting me share. I didn't mean to rehash, but boy does it help. Sometimes you have to feel the pain again to enjoy the peace.

denny57

Yes, I would. The disease is not discriminating.

Those were my fears, too. One day the pain was so bad I went and I am forever grateful.

I haven't had hives since I removed alcoholism from my life. Unless you are sitting in there and hear the doctor say it, don't believe he comes out smelling like a rose. I'd lean towards smelling a rat. I found out later AH never told me the doctor started in on him YEARS ago about his drinking.

Change is scary. Knowing this now has helped me understand not only myself, but the addict.

I hope you'll try Al-Anon and find some serenity for your life. You are worth it.