Band day, need to post

Old 02-10-2015, 11:44 AM
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Band day, need to post

Just got a notice my son's license is suspended. I was hoping that wouldn't happen until we went to court. Still waiting on a date for that.

Such a traumatic lifestyle. Wish I could give up, but it's impossible. I have a daughter who deserves to have a fully functioning mom, not to mention my poor husband.

Son had a full-blown panic attack yesterday. BP was through the roof. I know he is scared, and feeling so defeated. I can't help but feel sorry for him. So many things he could be accomplishing right now, but this is just following him into adulthood.

Thanks for reading. I don't have anyone to talk to about all of it. Need to find AlAnon soon.
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Old 02-10-2015, 01:02 PM
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i'm sorry you're having a bad day sweetie. hang in there. through alanon i have learned to 'let go and let God' which is much better than giving up.....

try to stay in the moment, look around and find what's right in your world. be grateful for the good stuff. i am now able to look at my life separate from his issues and my life is pretty good. his life sucks but i'm not the one who has to live it. of course it hurts to see our children suffer, always has and always will. but i am learning to not let it consume me. it is his life after all.

this quote is on my fridge to help me turn things around - "make the most of the best and the least of the worst".

be kind to yourself today. what would you suggest to a friend to do to feel better? i am learning to be a friend to myself and find ways to comfort and support myself through these tough issues. a hot bath, a good book, bird watching, chocolate! also with support the load lightens. i love SR and alanon and also i do therapy. i'm amazed at how different i feel about life now that my focus is on making things right for me - the only person i can change. compared to the mess i was when i arrived here trying to fix my son.

hang in there.....
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Old 02-10-2015, 02:53 PM
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I am sorry for what you are feeling. I am right there with you. I started naranon and I feel like its ok. I don't share much but I feel it's safe. I also have two other children and agree they deserve a real life. It is consuming. I go one hour at a times. I grab my young 14 yr old and tell him road trip. I don't feel like it but I pretend we laugh. Walk around mall get ice cream. I leave the house that keeps me so isolated.

Please try a meeting. They help.
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Old 02-10-2015, 03:48 PM
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Hi INgal,

I'm sorry about the bad day, too! What a shame, but not entirely unexpected, right?

Perhaps, just maybe, this will be a consequence that will make an impression on him.

Hang in there! And vent away here anytime
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Old 02-10-2015, 05:52 PM
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Thank you, everyone. I feel so trapped. I often wonder if it will ever end. I worry he will never find love, or a profession he aspires to (he blew med school). I will never understand how he could let it all happen.
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Old 02-10-2015, 07:41 PM
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It's hard to wrap our arms around the idea of addiction or alcoholism, especially when we watch a bright and talented child suddenly face such challenges...Challenges that often are a fight for life. Folks I know in recovery are equally at a loss to explain how it ever got to where it was.

The negative thoughts and fears were what kept me up at night and kept my mind racing. Coming here and going to Naranon ultimately helped me to really see that those thoughts and worries were doing nothing for me or for my daughter...in fact when she sense my fears and anxiety she seemed to get the message that I didn't have faith in her ability to take steps to help herself. So I had some hard work to do on my side of the street too.

I don't want to minimize his license suspension - one of my kids went through that as well and I know it was really hard. But she figured out ways to arrange transportation, physically moved so she would be on a public transportation route for work, and it was a relief to know that she wasn't able to drive while she was still shaky in recovery.

I really hope these hard lessons are ones that will help him to see that he has to make a commitment to change. With some solid recovery work, all the rest can fall in place. We're here for you.
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Old 02-11-2015, 04:58 AM
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Dear INgal,
I've had a bad codie week, constant fear, worrying and "what iffing" and it's only Wednesday.
My 20 yr old is showing evidence of relaspe and should be in jail soon because
she never completed her community service hours for the crimes she did whilst
she was drugging it up.
I had to force myself off the couch to go to my F&F meeting last night, I mean really
had to make that effort to defrost my mind and body to go, and I'm glad I did.
There were about 12 mostly moms there, the first three were crying, all I could do
was go to hug them. I found out as we talked (our theme for the meeting was
on how to communicate with an addict") that their children had relapsed. These kids
are 19-23.
It helped me to know that I'm not alone and helpless in this. My mind defrosted
and I could think more clearly. And more clearly about what I'm going to do about
me. I can't stop a relaspe or the consequences of what addiction can do to the
person or the family affected. But I can stop myself from that endless circle of
worry, blame and guilt.
INgal, I'll be thinking of you today. A suspended drivers license is a temporary
thing, he'll get it back. And that might be a consequence from activity that
has a boundary.
My AD's jail time, I'm hoping will be short. It's her consequence. I will be fine
knowing that she is safe and not using ANYTHING in jail (I hope). Might be the
tune up or wake up call she needs.
Thinking of you and wishing the anxiety your son is having will be brief.
I stepped off that Codie bus yesterday, why don't you join me?
Take care
TF
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Old 02-11-2015, 08:43 AM
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When my son was your son's age coping with the feeling of being trapped was extremely hard for me. I think I even felt suicidal at times wanting a way to escape.That got a lot better for me with physical distance between us.

The steps to get him out on his own and out of my home were monumental for me with all the hard decisions that came with that process.

Looking back in a positive light I can see that it was good that my son lost his license. Being in jail for short periods of time always helped more than I ever could. He always did much better when he was on court ordered probation.

The greatest sadness I have ever felt was surrendering to the fact that my son is an alcoholic and I can't protect him from all the pain that causes him.

I hope these consequences will motivate your son into recovery.
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Old 02-11-2015, 08:48 AM
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glad you could vent--and twofish...glad you were able to get off the codie bus.
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Old 02-11-2015, 08:58 AM
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mg--thank you for describing the trapped feeling--it fit to a 't' and I am working on this journey tooth and nail...not hers...mine. not seeing her is very hard and knowing it is her choice is very hard...i feel as if i have screwed up everything in life and it is my fault...but then I remember the work already done over the past 24 years and I know that intentionally did absolutely everything I could for the whole family...it still hurts in my chest area badly and I am weepy. need to do the things in my life today...they are hard enough...interview paperwork followup--about skills and a bio (this has me hyperventilating as I certainly don't feel as if I am skilled...but need to get done today) and a few more interviews for which I am very thankful...exhausted from 5 interviews in 3 weekdays...the weekend I just rested...and the hyperventilation is getting old...but I am practicing deep breathing. i know that if I do this skills inventory and turn it in...I will feel better...need to work on straightening out insurance again...at least I am working on myself when I do this. although i know it triggers emotions, providing support for my friend whose son is an addict and whose dil murdered her one grandson and left the other changed forever..we are praying and I ask for prayer for her and her family...i just can't leave her alone and without comfort in this situation...it is so hard though...and I am crying a lot...the stress mostly, the wanting to feel better, the need to get the medication that ran out when insurance changed...I need to get back on it soonest. supporting another friend as she is walking a similar path to mine in trying to find a job...find that if I can support another...it often helps me to what I need in my own life. SR is a beautiful place and I am so glad to be able to deal with more of the parents and those going to naranon...both of which have helped me...and will continue to do so. Not having contact with daughter causes me to focus on all sorts of other things that are not positive but I am doing my best to take actions that will walk me through some more...as small as the steps are...and as much on the codie bus as I am on so many of the days.
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Old 02-11-2015, 04:20 PM
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Wow, you are all so amazing. I hope to be as strong as all of you. I'm not giving up, although the thought is tempting. Luckily, it's cyclical. I too, need to look for a job, but I keep thinking how it won't work because now we have to drive him everywhere (no public transportation here). He works and he's paying for his own legal bills. Do very very sad.
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Old 02-18-2015, 07:17 PM
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Hi INgal, how are you doing today?
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