Della1968

Wow is right. In so many ways.

brynn

(((Robby))) hugs are all I have to give right now, but you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

Boys!....Whether they're 5 or 75 love playing with cars! Ha!
Hope you and your brother have a good visit and some good fun today!
Xoxo

alphaomega

(((((ROBBY))))))

I believe our souls choose our challenges prior to incarnation in order to grow our spirits.

I'm pretty sure this life of yours has your soul all stocked up on "bodily challenges".

Your next body will be bangin'.

I love you friend. I'm so proud of you.

Jeni26

I've written half a dozen posts but then deleted them. Words just seem inadequate right now.

I hope you get this pain sorted out and that you and Melissa get to have the most amazing trip.

Cancer is a b*tch.

Love and light to you all ❤️

Verte

Good morning Robby,

I have been on the road for a bit enjoying some blissful quietude. Just stopping by to let you know that I am following you around. Hanging on the words of your thread and friends.

courage2

I'm sorry, Robby. I remember when my father sold his last boat -- it was a 20 ft catamaran that he loved. And then he sold the cottage by the lake where he sailed it, because they needed the money for round-the-clock home care for him because my mother couldn't lift him. I know this is mournful for you in many ways.

Take that vacation! Where are you thinking to go?

silentrun

((Rob))
I think your attitude is holding up outstandingly well. Pain turns me into a crabby btch. It also distracts me and I can't think. I had my c6 nerve pinched off and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. I give you a lot of credit being able to keep your compassion for others through that. I don't know how you managed to stay as clear headed as you do either.

I'm glad you are getting some fun in with your brother. Even if the rest of your family has gone off the rails it's nice to be able to connect with one other person who knows the whole story. My brothers are invaluable to my sanity because they saw what I saw and know it's a bunch of BS.

AO: I must have chose the "your not normal, you are special (good and bad)" challenge. I'm over it. I reacted exactly the way a normal person would have reacted in those situations.

RobbyRobot

Thanks guys and gals one and all.

fini

it's all so condensed and concentrated what you're doing; what you're choosing to do and needing to do.
relentless.
except you know how to grab/make the space for pleasure. and love. the good stuff.

hug to you, Rob.

EndGameNYC

That's just another big plate of shite pie, Robby. Yeah, I know you've got the fortitude and wherewithal to climb every mountain, but enough is enough. How many more effin' learning experiences do you need?

You know that old joke? "Besides everything else, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the show?" It's not funny. At least not right now. Or maybe it is? I don't know.

I used to joke with my sister, "If I'm somehow severely disabled, or fatally ill, and I can't get around on my own, keep the vodka flowing." I stopped doing this because it just didn't make sense to me any more, and I'm not at all certain that it was just a joke. But I do wonder.

I know you've commented that you want things like clarity and presence in your final days, weeks, and months, and that's a good thing. I think many of us know about Bill W. demanding his wife bring him booze from his hospital bed during his final days, cursing and humiliating her in the process, and I don't see myself doing something similar. But I do wonder.

It's been said that the way we die mirrors the way that we've lived our lives. I've seen evidence of this and, more than that, I've yet to see anything to contradict it.

With that, my sister is doing well, and now living in a state of prognostic limbo. As you know, and as you responded to so exquisitely, her most recent assessment was remarkable in her favor. She continues to take care of herself with an eye on her next assessment in, I think, a couple of weeks. I've crashed both physically and emotionally since her positive evaluation...I think a releasing of all the tension and built-up anxiety around her condition. It's as though I've put parts of my life, at least my internal life, on hold until she gets the "all clear." And even then...

I'm also more comfortable updating her progress here, rather than on the thread I started. No complicated reasoning involved in this; it just seems the thing to do.

Wholesome

Hey Robby, I'm really sorry to hear that things are going worse for you. I think a vacation with you and Melissa is a fine idea! I think if I were in your position my focus would be on doing whatever I can to enjoy the time that is left to me..... but I guess that is hard to do while living with pain so again I hope that you can find a way to minimize that. It's good that you are spending quality time with your loved ones and you seem to have many people in your life who love you back!

Sending good vibes your way.

courage2

Interesting post, EGNYC. I think probably 99% of your wonder is stress around your sister, and as you say, putting your internal life on hold. I hope you're being careful about that. Maybe it's a good time to pretend you're a newbie, and make no major decisions for a year or a while.

My lame suggestions aside, something in your wonderings made me wonder if you see a moral dimension in your sobriety. Maybe I'm wrong -- but it made me want to post something, even though I'm supposed to be at my office by now -- oh well, who the hell goes to their office in the US on the Sunday after July 4?

I don't think sobriety is an instrinsically good thing. Teetolarers, for instance, who take the pledge without ever having been drunks --- I'm not in that line. Being sober helps me be a better person, morally as well as physically, but if I could drink without doing a lot of damage now, I surely would and not think I was morally any worse for it. It's no shame to take a drink, unless as they say the drink is taking you.

The problem with drinking over pain, as I see it, is loss of control. From what I've seen, loss of control is sometimes greater with painkillers, but I suppose it depends on the individual, the alcoholism, the medication, and the pain. My mother had a ton of chronic pain for many years, and 1 stiff drink every night cut it for a little while. It was her window. She didn't push it open further, because she was so afraid of falling. Maybe she pushed it further a few times -- she had some late night falls Was she an alcoholic? By many people's definitions, she was, and a pill-head too. But she didn't define her self that way, I don't think. She kept things to herself.

Elaine Stritch in her last year(s?) went back to drinking. But her drinks were doled out to her by a nurse. So are my alcoholic aunt's. Is that a moral failing on their parts? For someone in their 80s with chronic pain? I don't think so. If they can handle that life, and that death, and not hurt anyone else in the process, so be it.

I stopped drinking because a) it was *causing* me tons of pain and b) I was suicidally depressed. That's it. If I could drink again without those effects I certainly would, but I'm quite sure that I can't, not while I have the power to push my own window wide open. So be it.

RobbyRobot

Thanks everybody.

Soberwolf

Robby when i was a kid i got a rc nikko car for christmas it had 2 medium tubes as a battery under the car it was blue & silver it had biggish wheels at the back that was my only rc car and it was awesome you reminded me of that

If you ever want to talk chat anything let me know

i found a pic of the car

puffy

Robby ,
I'm sorry you are in such pain. Your body may be failing you but your mind sure is strong. Wishing your pain away.
Puffy

Soberpotamus

Robby, I shared your latest posts with my husband today. It's a beautiful thing that you're able to prepare and get the hard stuff squared away for Melissa's future. And that you two might have a nice vacation from the sale of your boats. I am sorry you are experiencing pain like this though.

Dee74

Pain sucks - there's no way to pretty it up.

My thoughts and prayers go with you and Melissa always but especially today Rob

D

RobbyRobot

Very much appreciated my friends. Courage, EndGame, fini, Jeni, Zen, silentrun, Brynn, Alpha, Verte, Della, Gilmer, ArtFriend, suki, Victoria, D, Cow. Thanks Puffy. Glad to hear you've shared my posts with your husband Soberpotamus.

Awesome pic Wolfie. We had a blast the three of us racing around in the front yard. We're all amateurs and so it was really all over the place. We even managed to bust a left lower control arm on one racer. This is a main part which along with other control rods hold the wheel to the chassis. It's all part of the fun rebuilding the cars too.

Yup. Monday I'll start the ball rolling on my pain management team being established. It is my intention to mitigate my physical pains as much as possible. I tolerate narcotics well as I don't already have a built up tolerance level. My next scheduled appointment is July 27 for a CT scan so as to check on my cancer's progression. Gee, I can't wait, lol.

I'm thinking I'll make some inquires into how the home hospice thing gets started and setup too. They don't provide hospice for those who receive chemo, so that works well for me. It might seem a bit weird, but I'm looking forward to my hospice at home. I say this because the alternative would be to die in the hospital and that really isn't for me fighting for every wretched day I can drag my sorry ass in the last days. I can't stop what is happening, but, like I'm saying, I am getting something for myself by choosing when and how I die. This is awesomely important to me. I'm having lucid dreams about it perhaps not surprisingly. My having real responsibility with several concerns of my hospice keeps me in the game, if you know what I mean? I won't be handing over any responsibility that I can manage to keep. I absolutely don't want to just be waiting around for the inevitable. I'm grateful my hospice will be a team effort involving many others. Melissa and I will be as natural as we can be with each other and for this we are very grateful for the hospice home services available.

courage2

I got nuttin'. I you more.

Quirky

((((((((Robby))))))))
You amaze me.
I am so sorry about the pain. ((