Opiates, Withdrawals, Depression, Scared & Alone in it all
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 12
Opiates, Withdrawals, Depression, Scared & Alone in it all
Hi, I have never posted on a forum before tonight. I "almost" went to an NA meeting in my area tonight, but I was too afraid and probably too ashamed to go. I don't know what to expect when I walk into a meeting as a stranger to these people for the first time. Can anyone tell me what it might be like?
It was so easy for me to fall into the Oxycontin hell, I am always in and out of it. It seems like I live for the couple of weeks a month when I can get it (80 mg tabs) and I live in physical misery for a few days after it runs out and then the depression which is so awful that I can't even walk my poor dog. I always try to taper off, it sometimes works so-so and sometimes really doesn't work at all. This time I decided to replace the 80 mg Oxy's with codeine to taper off. I don't even like codeine and now I am experiencing withdrawal affects from it after just taking it for a few days. I still have some codiene left and I am also now trying to taper this, even when I take it I don't feel good - I just don't like the stuff at all.
I get very panicky and I get very depressed and just can not force myself to do anything at all. I can't get off the couch, even going to the grocery store is like a huge ordeal for me when I feel this way, which is most of the time.
The reason I like Oxy's so much is because I feel so happy when I take them and I'm so full of energy and people love being around me. It is like the person that I WISH I REALLY was, you know?
I want to get the strength to once and for all say NO to all of these drugs. I am SO ASHAMED of myself. I hate myself for getting into this position.
How long does the depression last after a person goes clean? Does it ever end?
It was so easy for me to fall into the Oxycontin hell, I am always in and out of it. It seems like I live for the couple of weeks a month when I can get it (80 mg tabs) and I live in physical misery for a few days after it runs out and then the depression which is so awful that I can't even walk my poor dog. I always try to taper off, it sometimes works so-so and sometimes really doesn't work at all. This time I decided to replace the 80 mg Oxy's with codeine to taper off. I don't even like codeine and now I am experiencing withdrawal affects from it after just taking it for a few days. I still have some codiene left and I am also now trying to taper this, even when I take it I don't feel good - I just don't like the stuff at all.
I get very panicky and I get very depressed and just can not force myself to do anything at all. I can't get off the couch, even going to the grocery store is like a huge ordeal for me when I feel this way, which is most of the time.
The reason I like Oxy's so much is because I feel so happy when I take them and I'm so full of energy and people love being around me. It is like the person that I WISH I REALLY was, you know?
I want to get the strength to once and for all say NO to all of these drugs. I am SO ASHAMED of myself. I hate myself for getting into this position.
How long does the depression last after a person goes clean? Does it ever end?
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: fumbling towards ecstasy
Posts: 2,551
Originally Posted by distressed1
I want to get the strength to once and for all say NO to all of these drugs. I am SO ASHAMED of myself. I hate myself for getting into this position.
How long does the depression last after a person goes clean? Does it ever end?
How long does the depression last after a person goes clean? Does it ever end?
Just GO! Wishing you courage!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 12
I want to go and yet I don't want to go. If I had drugs here I know I would be taking them just to make myself feel better, even though I do want this to end. How can I go to a meeting where you are supposed to be not using drugs when I still think that I could so easily swing back the other way again?
I feel so sickly today and I have been sleeping so much. It is so hard to even make myself get dressed, let alone drive into the city to go to a meeting and have to sit up straight for any length of time. I don't know how I'm going to get myself into work on Monday. This is so awful, I want it to be over. Feeling sorry for myself and crying about this can't be helping but I can't seem to make myself get up and move either. Oh God I wish things were not this way.
I feel so sickly today and I have been sleeping so much. It is so hard to even make myself get dressed, let alone drive into the city to go to a meeting and have to sit up straight for any length of time. I don't know how I'm going to get myself into work on Monday. This is so awful, I want it to be over. Feeling sorry for myself and crying about this can't be helping but I can't seem to make myself get up and move either. Oh God I wish things were not this way.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I took a medical leave from work, de-toxing from xanax. Spent time here at SR, worked on eating and resting letting my body repair and recover. Am at 1/4 prescribed taper now. And doing very well.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: fumbling towards ecstasy
Posts: 2,551
Originally Posted by distressed1
How can I go to a meeting where you are supposed to be not using drugs when I still think that I could so easily swing back the other way again?
At Least I Think I Do
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Earth
Posts: 60
The depression issue is the hardest thing to move thru. I have been opiate free for 8 months and I want you to know that I needed to read your post badly. Why? Cause I tend to forget the awful stuff that comes with using.
The depression was way bad for me - I too had great difficulty going to the store, mailbox, in my basement to do laundry - in fact I felt so lack lustre that at times just getting to the bathroom or just brushing my hair felt like a huge hurtle to climb over.
It does pass - life is good again - I am participating in life and when I was feeling the way you are I never ever thought life would or could be any different - so I kept myself using!!!!!
Meeting are such a key component to staying sober. You will find that there are people who are just like you - you will both relate to each other in ways you never dreamed of!! Good luck - you can do this!!!!!!!
The depression was way bad for me - I too had great difficulty going to the store, mailbox, in my basement to do laundry - in fact I felt so lack lustre that at times just getting to the bathroom or just brushing my hair felt like a huge hurtle to climb over.
It does pass - life is good again - I am participating in life and when I was feeling the way you are I never ever thought life would or could be any different - so I kept myself using!!!!!
Meeting are such a key component to staying sober. You will find that there are people who are just like you - you will both relate to each other in ways you never dreamed of!! Good luck - you can do this!!!!!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 12
If I can keep my resolve up all through today then by tonight I might actually be able to go to one. I know there is one in a church somewhere not too far away tonight.
Just reading the posts has helped me enough to get dressed and take my little dog down the street for a walk, which seems like a monumental thing to me right now. I can't believe I was actually able to do that! And this just shows me how important support must be and what a difference it must make.
I would love to be able to do normal things like housework and cooking meals, grocery shopping and laundry without planning them around when I have pills. I actually plan housework and meal making and especially social events that I will attend around when I have pills. Isn't that sick? I cook the greatest stuff when I am on drugs and when I am not I force myself to cook maybe one night a week and the other nights it is usually takeout. I am just barely functioning in this world when I think of it. I know that at work they must think I'm nutty because I will have 2 weeks of being so talkative and bubbly and then all of a sudden I shut right up and don't speak to anyone. I have zero friends left in my life, I have shut them all out because I am so up and down that I guess I just felt like what is the point really, when I am down I do not want to talk to them and I just want to be left alone. Sometimes I really miss having friends.
I don't remember what I was like before drugs, I have a feeling that I was not all that happy or I wouldn't have started taking them in the first place. I liked them because they made me the kind of person that I wanted to be, fun and friendly. If I am not really that way, if I constantly feel empty and blue, am I going to like myself? I really wonder about that.
Just reading the posts has helped me enough to get dressed and take my little dog down the street for a walk, which seems like a monumental thing to me right now. I can't believe I was actually able to do that! And this just shows me how important support must be and what a difference it must make.
I would love to be able to do normal things like housework and cooking meals, grocery shopping and laundry without planning them around when I have pills. I actually plan housework and meal making and especially social events that I will attend around when I have pills. Isn't that sick? I cook the greatest stuff when I am on drugs and when I am not I force myself to cook maybe one night a week and the other nights it is usually takeout. I am just barely functioning in this world when I think of it. I know that at work they must think I'm nutty because I will have 2 weeks of being so talkative and bubbly and then all of a sudden I shut right up and don't speak to anyone. I have zero friends left in my life, I have shut them all out because I am so up and down that I guess I just felt like what is the point really, when I am down I do not want to talk to them and I just want to be left alone. Sometimes I really miss having friends.
I don't remember what I was like before drugs, I have a feeling that I was not all that happy or I wouldn't have started taking them in the first place. I liked them because they made me the kind of person that I wanted to be, fun and friendly. If I am not really that way, if I constantly feel empty and blue, am I going to like myself? I really wonder about that.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 12
I have a question, when I read the meeting lists in my area, the one that is on tonight has this information in brackets (CD, NS). NS I assume means non smoking, what would CD mean? Can anyone just walk in without phoning them first?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Chapel Hill, NC
Posts: 2,274
CD probably means closed discussion. That's a meeting for people who consider themselves addicts or at least have a desire to stop using. At an OD (open discussion) meeting, anyone can come, such as friends, family, etc. I still remember my first meeting. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to stop using drugs and alcohol, but I knew I felt bad about what I was doing and I was hurting enough to give it a try. I was amazed at what I welcoming reception I got and how I could relate to what they were saying. Being a stubborn addict, I tried using again, but I felt even worse and told myself I had to get serious about this or it might not work and I might never get back to the meeting. I have been clean ever since I made that firm decision to stay with the program--over 21 years ago. Going to an NA meeting was the best decision I've ever made. It saved my life.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by liveweyerd
Nathaniel Brandon defines self-esteem as the reputation we earn with ourselves. This is a wonderful message, all the choices are ours. What things do you admire?
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by liveweyerd
Thanks for answering my question!
We all, each and every one of us, me and you, make a difference in others' lives. Can you make a list of 10 things you would like people to say of you?
We all, each and every one of us, me and you, make a difference in others' lives. Can you make a list of 10 things you would like people to say of you?
You are a good & loving mother, I would like my kids to say that to me some day. I have a 2 sons, one who lives with us and a older son who doesn't live at home any longer.
You are a fantastic partner.
You are fun to be around.
You are important and helpful.
That's all I can think of.
Maybe that is part of my problem. Not knowing what I want. I have never even know what I wanted to do with my life, I have it pretty darn good with my home, my son who lives at home and my fiancee who lives with us. Better than alot of people. I should be happy. Wish I liked my job but it's pretty depressing going in to work every day, I really do not enjoy it at all, but other than that my life has very good things in it. It doesn't make sense to feel unfullfilled, I should not feel this way. But then again I don't know if that's really me talking or if it is a direct result of opiate withdrawal.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
My favorite counselor told me to eliminate shoulda coulda woulda. I forgot that. Thanks for reminding me to think about it.
You made a great list of 4 things to admire yourself for.
My relationship with my daughter evolves. I am very proud of her.
My partner and I fit fantastically and I am really working on being, acting in loving ways.
You have been helpful to me.
And you are important.
live
You made a great list of 4 things to admire yourself for.
My relationship with my daughter evolves. I am very proud of her.
My partner and I fit fantastically and I am really working on being, acting in loving ways.
You have been helpful to me.
And you are important.
live
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Newfie-Land, Mo
Posts: 1,623
welcome distressed and I hope you are having a better day today...I too have battled the oxy dragon and felt as you did...It seemed like I did everything better, was better at chatting to others..all the same things...only till I had been clean for several months did i realize my addiction led me to feel that way.... I am now able to see who I am and my potential...
I was never better using, i was just numb to the world and even on my worst day...It did not matter because I was using and it was all okay...
I may not be 100 percent yet and have a lifetime to go ...but for today I am doing my best and I have clarity...for once...Good luck and again...WELCOME !!!!
I was never better using, i was just numb to the world and even on my worst day...It did not matter because I was using and it was all okay...
I may not be 100 percent yet and have a lifetime to go ...but for today I am doing my best and I have clarity...for once...Good luck and again...WELCOME !!!!
Addict
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 131
Hello distressed1.
Much of what you've said here is so familiar to me. Some of the things you described are exactly how I feel and have been struggling with a good part of my life. I also use everything I've got available; then I sit in depression just like you until one day I relapse. You are not alone in your struggle.
I did quit everything, including cigarettes, one year ago. But I found a new available substance a few months ago that I now struggle with... someone else's prescription, generic Adderall (amphetamine mix). Now I finally see how addiction works in me... it isn't the drug, it's the escape. Many times I've taken something just because it was better than nothing. This particular drug gives me energy, confidence... and it seems to make me more likable. Every drug I've ever enjoyed did something similar. But I was (and still am) stiffling myself, the true me.
Is the Oxy prescribed for you? If so, is there an alternative you could try that might not be so bad for you? I know for myself, it is best if I am not within reach or view of any substances. I am still struggling to get sober completely, and I am very new to this whole NA thing. Me and drugs in the same place is a bad combination at this point. I am trying to use other coping skills, but I have struggled with a bottle of it in my own house. I am working to find my strength to leave them alone, for good. I already know that it does get better after the initial withdrawal. I was just there last week. Then something negative happened in my personal life, and I got scared, felt trapped, tried everything I could to help the situation, and eventually I gave up and escaped by going back to the drug. What a disappointment. I truly did feel better without it. Even better than what I felt on the drug, once it was out of my system. It's so unbelievable to me how foolish I am sometimes. I am an addict, and I want to get better, but I can't stop the cycle. (Or, I guess it's "I won't stop the cycle.") I am struggling to find and get to a meeting, but I am not giving up. The people here at SR have given me such hope in a proven recovery process... and an amazing amount of care and support!
One thing I do know: If we want to truly become who we are, who we were meant to be, who is inside of us screaming to get out... then we need to stop using long enough to find that part of ourselves, to allow it to emerge. While we are still on drugs, that person will never come out. It may take some time to "find yourself," but I am thinking I will be so much better than who I am right now.
I'm thinking of you, and wishing you the best. Every day is a new chance to make the right decisions. Through the support that surrounds us (SR, meetings, etc.) we can do this. If we really want it than we have to commit ourselves to it. (This is what I tell myself. I want so much to be able to listen to it.) Finding SR has helped me move toward sobriety, and it sounds like meetings are a key component. Maybe that is the piece that is missing for me. I have got to do everything I can to find one and get there.
Thanks for your postings. I can relate to most of what you've said, regardless that our specific situations may be different in some ways. We can all relate in some way, and that is essential in providing support for each other.
You've got my support!
Take care of yourself,
Jennifer
Much of what you've said here is so familiar to me. Some of the things you described are exactly how I feel and have been struggling with a good part of my life. I also use everything I've got available; then I sit in depression just like you until one day I relapse. You are not alone in your struggle.
I did quit everything, including cigarettes, one year ago. But I found a new available substance a few months ago that I now struggle with... someone else's prescription, generic Adderall (amphetamine mix). Now I finally see how addiction works in me... it isn't the drug, it's the escape. Many times I've taken something just because it was better than nothing. This particular drug gives me energy, confidence... and it seems to make me more likable. Every drug I've ever enjoyed did something similar. But I was (and still am) stiffling myself, the true me.
Is the Oxy prescribed for you? If so, is there an alternative you could try that might not be so bad for you? I know for myself, it is best if I am not within reach or view of any substances. I am still struggling to get sober completely, and I am very new to this whole NA thing. Me and drugs in the same place is a bad combination at this point. I am trying to use other coping skills, but I have struggled with a bottle of it in my own house. I am working to find my strength to leave them alone, for good. I already know that it does get better after the initial withdrawal. I was just there last week. Then something negative happened in my personal life, and I got scared, felt trapped, tried everything I could to help the situation, and eventually I gave up and escaped by going back to the drug. What a disappointment. I truly did feel better without it. Even better than what I felt on the drug, once it was out of my system. It's so unbelievable to me how foolish I am sometimes. I am an addict, and I want to get better, but I can't stop the cycle. (Or, I guess it's "I won't stop the cycle.") I am struggling to find and get to a meeting, but I am not giving up. The people here at SR have given me such hope in a proven recovery process... and an amazing amount of care and support!
One thing I do know: If we want to truly become who we are, who we were meant to be, who is inside of us screaming to get out... then we need to stop using long enough to find that part of ourselves, to allow it to emerge. While we are still on drugs, that person will never come out. It may take some time to "find yourself," but I am thinking I will be so much better than who I am right now.
I'm thinking of you, and wishing you the best. Every day is a new chance to make the right decisions. Through the support that surrounds us (SR, meetings, etc.) we can do this. If we really want it than we have to commit ourselves to it. (This is what I tell myself. I want so much to be able to listen to it.) Finding SR has helped me move toward sobriety, and it sounds like meetings are a key component. Maybe that is the piece that is missing for me. I have got to do everything I can to find one and get there.
Thanks for your postings. I can relate to most of what you've said, regardless that our specific situations may be different in some ways. We can all relate in some way, and that is essential in providing support for each other.
You've got my support!
Take care of yourself,
Jennifer
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 12
Wow, I just want to thank you all for your support, it is truly amazing to me and it has helped me make it through this weekend for sure.
I am stunned that there are so many people who have felt the same things as I do, that the addiction has worked the same way. I guess I have been really ignorant about this until I opened up my eyes within the past couple of days.
Jennifer, I have no prescription. I buy them once or twice a month from someone and I have spent probably over $1000 in the past 3 weeks on Oxy's and something that acts like Morphine.
I believe also that I can not be anywhere near them or I will take them. I know it. Small problem there, my fiance has back problems and is currently taking codeine for it and that is where I have been getting my codeine. Chances are quite high that he will be moving on from Codeine to percocets or something like that within the next few days. He has told me that he won't let me take them but I don't believe him, I think he will give in to me and I also know how good I am at finding things so I will be able to find them if I try. Maybe he needs to lock them up.
I am feeling fairly good about dragging my butt out to a meeting tonight, as long as I can stay positive. I've been up and down an awful lot with my moods today but every time I start feeling really negative I get on this website and read things and it is helping me get through today, so again thank you everyone for your help, it is much appreciated and is making a huge difference to me today.
I am stunned that there are so many people who have felt the same things as I do, that the addiction has worked the same way. I guess I have been really ignorant about this until I opened up my eyes within the past couple of days.
Jennifer, I have no prescription. I buy them once or twice a month from someone and I have spent probably over $1000 in the past 3 weeks on Oxy's and something that acts like Morphine.
I believe also that I can not be anywhere near them or I will take them. I know it. Small problem there, my fiance has back problems and is currently taking codeine for it and that is where I have been getting my codeine. Chances are quite high that he will be moving on from Codeine to percocets or something like that within the next few days. He has told me that he won't let me take them but I don't believe him, I think he will give in to me and I also know how good I am at finding things so I will be able to find them if I try. Maybe he needs to lock them up.
I am feeling fairly good about dragging my butt out to a meeting tonight, as long as I can stay positive. I've been up and down an awful lot with my moods today but every time I start feeling really negative I get on this website and read things and it is helping me get through today, so again thank you everyone for your help, it is much appreciated and is making a huge difference to me today.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Newfie-Land, Mo
Posts: 1,623
go to a meeting ...this early in your recovery you will need to go to as many as you can...
As for the BF ...I am not sure what to say ...I know I could not be around them ...even locked up I would find a way to get them...ask some advice in your meeting...THAT YOU ARE GOING TO>>>>RIGHT !!!!!
hang in there...you can do this
As for the BF ...I am not sure what to say ...I know I could not be around them ...even locked up I would find a way to get them...ask some advice in your meeting...THAT YOU ARE GOING TO>>>>RIGHT !!!!!
hang in there...you can do this
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