If I can keep my resolve up all through today then by tonight I might actually be able to go to one. I know there is one in a church somewhere not too far away tonight.
Just reading the posts has helped me enough to get dressed and take my little dog down the street for a walk, which seems like a monumental thing to me right now. I can't believe I was actually able to do that! And this just shows me how important support must be and what a difference it must make.
I would love to be able to do normal things like housework and cooking meals, grocery shopping and laundry without planning them around when I have pills. I actually plan housework and meal making and especially social events that I will attend around when I have pills. Isn't that sick? I cook the greatest stuff when I am on drugs and when I am not I force myself to cook maybe one night a week and the other nights it is usually takeout. I am just barely functioning in this world when I think of it. I know that at work they must think I'm nutty because I will have 2 weeks of being so talkative and bubbly and then all of a sudden I shut right up and don't speak to anyone. I have zero friends left in my life, I have shut them all out because I am so up and down that I guess I just felt like what is the point really, when I am down I do not want to talk to them and I just want to be left alone. Sometimes I really miss having friends.
I don't remember what I was like before drugs, I have a feeling that I was not all that happy or I wouldn't have started taking them in the first place. I liked them because they made me the kind of person that I wanted to be, fun and friendly. If I am not really that way, if I constantly feel empty and blue, am I going to like myself? I really wonder about that.