distressed1

Hi, I have never posted on a forum before tonight. I "almost" went to an NA meeting in my area tonight, but I was too afraid and probably too ashamed to go. I don't know what to expect when I walk into a meeting as a stranger to these people for the first time. Can anyone tell me what it might be like?

It was so easy for me to fall into the Oxycontin hell, I am always in and out of it. It seems like I live for the couple of weeks a month when I can get it (80 mg tabs) and I live in physical misery for a few days after it runs out and then the depression which is so awful that I can't even walk my poor dog. I always try to taper off, it sometimes works so-so and sometimes really doesn't work at all. This time I decided to replace the 80 mg Oxy's with codeine to taper off. I don't even like codeine and now I am experiencing withdrawal affects from it after just taking it for a few days. I still have some codiene left and I am also now trying to taper this, even when I take it I don't feel good - I just don't like the stuff at all.
I get very panicky and I get very depressed and just can not force myself to do anything at all. I can't get off the couch, even going to the grocery store is like a huge ordeal for me when I feel this way, which is most of the time.
The reason I like Oxy's so much is because I feel so happy when I take them and I'm so full of energy and people love being around me. It is like the person that I WISH I REALLY was, you know?
I want to get the strength to once and for all say NO to all of these drugs. I am SO ASHAMED of myself. I hate myself for getting into this position.
How long does the depression last after a person goes clean? Does it ever end?