Hello distressed1.
Much of what you've said here is so familiar to me. Some of the things you described are exactly how I feel and have been struggling with a good part of my life. I also use everything I've got available; then I sit in depression just like you until one day I relapse.
You are not alone in your struggle.
I did quit everything, including cigarettes, one year ago. But I found a new available substance a few months ago that I now struggle with... someone else's prescription, generic Adderall (amphetamine mix). Now I finally see how addiction works in me... it isn't the drug, it's the escape. Many times I've taken something just because it was better than nothing. This particular drug gives me energy, confidence... and it seems to make me more likable. Every drug I've ever enjoyed did something similar. But I was (and still am) stiffling myself, the true me.
Is the Oxy prescribed for you? If so, is there an alternative you could try that might not be so bad for you? I know for myself, it is best if I am not within reach or view of any substances. I am still struggling to get sober completely, and I am very new to this whole NA thing. Me and drugs in the same place is a bad combination at this point. I am trying to use other coping skills, but I have struggled with a bottle of it in my own house. I am working to find my strength to leave them alone, for good. I already know that it does get better after the initial withdrawal. I was just there last week. Then something negative happened in my personal life, and I got scared, felt trapped, tried everything I could to help the situation, and eventually I gave up and escaped by going back to the drug. What a disappointment. I truly did feel better without it. Even better than what I felt on the drug, once it was out of my system. It's so unbelievable to me how foolish I am sometimes. I am an addict, and I want to get better, but I can't stop the cycle. (Or, I guess it's "I
won't stop the cycle.") I am struggling to find and get to a meeting, but I am not giving up. The people here at SR have given me such hope in a proven recovery process... and an amazing amount of care and support!
One thing I do know: If we want to truly become who we are, who we were meant to be, who is inside of us screaming to get out... then we need to stop using long enough to find that part of ourselves, to allow it to emerge. While we are still on drugs, that person will never come out. It may take some time to "find yourself," but I am thinking I will be so much better than who I am right now.
I'm thinking of you, and wishing you the best. Every day is a new chance to make the right decisions. Through the support that surrounds us (SR, meetings, etc.) we can do this. If we really want it than we have to commit ourselves to it. (This is what I tell myself. I want so much to be able to listen to it.) Finding SR has helped me move toward sobriety, and it sounds like meetings are a key component. Maybe that is the piece that is missing for me. I have got to do everything I can to find one and get there.
Thanks for your postings. I can relate to most of what you've said, regardless that our specific situations may be different in some ways. We can all relate in some way, and that is essential in providing support for each other.
You've got my support!
Take care of yourself,
Jennifer