equus

I went hunting for an old thread - I've got rather a lot of them and didn't get far enough to find it. I got caught up reading old titles and the little paras that appear underneath when you hold the cursor over them.

I read lots from last June/July/August - just little snippets, one I clicked onto where I'd just got back from my GP who'd reassured me the NHS would be there to help when it was needed and to just let go and let it happen. I had been so relieved, felt so much better, felt safe.

Each little paragraph came with a memory as I had become more and more afraid of what was happening, as we waited desperately for help that didn't arrive, as I heard he'd been refused again, my post the day after he'd drank saying he needed the help.

I need to get over it, I still have no name for what happened although I believe it was a breakdown and we just got left to deal with it. I've lost count of the times I think I've done enough to put it to rest. We've remortgaged the house so I can stash money away and never rely on healthcare again. D is SO different, doing SO well, he is tough and I know he always was. Despite all that I feel pulled back to then, I feel shakey and tearful, angry and bemused that it really happened.

I don't know if right now I'm making a mountain out a molehill, or if the rest of the time I'm just pushing it down - I hate that it comes back like this. I feel like we got let down by our society, our country and those that make their wage supposedly offering help. I begged and begged for help, D went and went again to ask, our GP's begged for us, my GP called it intolerable and inhumane.

I can't find a resolution, there's no-one to forgive or understand, just a faceless system, just my home town, our country.

Maybe I should just REFUSE to think about it and leave it ignored while we get on with life. Or maybe I haven't tried hard enough to find a REAL resolution?

best

Or maybe just be grateful for what you have rather then focus on what you were looking for at the time. Can't change yesterday so don't waste your energy living in yesterday. Enjoy what you do have to the fullest...today.

equus

That's kind of what I've been doing - I agree with you about focusing on what we have now. What bothers me is feeling pulled back into it, I got up this am feeling great, I'm off to a meeting with one of my favourite peeps and I only went into old stuff to find something. There was nothing in this morning's plans that included stewing over old stuff - I want to be able to read it or be reminded without feeling so crappy.

I don't want it to bother me any more but it still does.

best

We have become a world that believes...it is our right to get what we need and want from the government. They give give and give....till "you" are the one who is looking for a need to be filled.

For me, it has become a matter of perspective...If I was given what I deserve...OUCH! Now on the other hand, my being human, there are times I allow myself to get upset because the rules say it is a right but they really should say it is a privilege as a citizen that I am allowed this or that.

So I find the humble road helps me stay away from allowing myself to get upset. I deserve..... I am blessed because I have this.... Yes my life is good.

mallowcup

Reading old posts could provoke many emotions depending on the day and hour it is now. I would look past the negative feelings about those posts and concentrate on the growth. Imagine looking back at those posts and having had no changes?

equus

I know what you're saying Best. But we live in rich countries, wealth and money isn't the issue, how wealth and money is used is the issue. That experience taught me something no book could ever have done - what it feels like, that's why the posts upset me, I remember what it felt like.

I wish it was about just me, but it isn't - 'we' moan all the time at social services not providing this or that, yet the issue is more that our culture no longer wants to care for an elderly relative and that 1000's of people in the UK alone dump their kids.

We've left an era where people are supported by a community and now when 'the system' fails there's no help.

I was better equipped than most, I was more aware of systems, I have education, research ability, friends, and skills I've been lucky to pick up through life - even so, I remember how it felt. My GP was right it was inhumane and intolerable and if that was true for me, someone who could and did articulate it - then how many others?

After an age long Mexican stand off at work, finally I have a manager who allows me some freedom and I've got the courage of the damned. At the meeting I had, talking about how to make systemic our responsibility to teach children to question and challenge, to be assertive and critical ( +'ve as well as -'ve) - well like when I used to school horses well as their best garauntee to have a good life, this is the last gift I want to set up (if I can) for these children. Maybe they will change the future, at least more will be heard.

I'm feeling better now - it passed while I got wrapped up gaining a seriously tough cookie pal! Now back to today and the opportunity it brings.

DesertEyes

Hey there equus,

What you went thru is called a "meltdown" on this side of the pond. The old feelings that came back today we call "echoes". It's a part of the "Grief process". Whenever you revisit and intensely painful memory you will get a little bit of the old feelings back. Each time with less intensity until finally it is just a dull ache.

The medical system over here is not any different. I've been thru the same "stuff" with my wife and more recently for me.

It gives me hope to know that you are doing your part to make the world a better place. Your willingness to fight the system and do good for the kiddies is how society as a whole makes progress. Each one of us does our part and little by little we all benefit.

As always, you rock

Mike

equus

I haven't succeeded on that score yet - if I do I promise to graciously accept the compliment, hell - I'll brag my bloody head off!! It's just that while I was in the meeting selling the idea we should take RESPONSIBILITY for teaching kids to challenge it also crossed my mind how needed that is to protect any of us and help all of us to do our bit.

While I was driving home I figured that's not a bad frame of mind during my last weeks here - to make the most of the opportunity I have while I have it, to use what I learned about feeling so overwhelmed.

FriendInNeed

Hiya, I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. I look back in my diaries to find dates for filling out forms and in it i will find comments like " psychologist said he would sort out medication this week" and a year has passed and guess what? yep i'm still waiting.

Your so right when u say there is no resolution, or someone to forgive...i think this is what is so annoying and frustrating when it comes to being remembered of how much we were let down by the "system".
Ive been told i have expected to much...that what i "thought" was going to happen hasnt happened but that i was never promised. However, in the past 6 years dealing with mental health/medical/addictions.....my list of disappoinments keep growing.

The only way ive found to deal with this so i dont think back and have all the resentment and bad feelings back, is to actually complain/do something about it. I went to my local mp...although in doing this my psychologist/mental health team are now treating me worse than before....but at least i feel i am standing up to them and not just for me but for anyone else who has to deal with them and hopefully it might help to make a better system in the future.

I know i run the risk of getting nowhere with them and maybe getting angrier, but if i dont do it then i will never know. While i feel better just now, i need to try and put things in place for the next time i need their help. But i cant give up altho i want to nearly every day, but if i give up then who else will continue to fight my battle...no one thats who!!

All i can say now is that if u have a problem with the way they treated u, then please do something about it....complain to the right people, complain to everyone within the system. If we all complained then maybe something might be done alot sooner.

Sorry for going on but this is a very passionate subject for me after myself and my family being continually let down by the "system":uzi2:

equus

At the time I did what I could, but not every decision was mine to make and I respected D's final say re contacting the MP (our doc suggested it!!). It certainly wouldn't be appropriate to do it in retrospect now - for a start we had a MAJOR stroke of luck that turned things around so right now it isn't an issue.

There are multiple poor relation services in the UK, of which mental health and addiction are just two. But the reality of living through a situation where you face it, face knowing, face seeing and feeling the frustration and fear is mind blowing (at least it was for me).

At the time I shared information with our GP practice, helpline numbers, the National Standards Framework for Mental Health, organisations that provided legal phone surgeries with volunteer solicitors - all of which hopefully gave them tools to help other patients.

For me personally (since writing this post) it's led to a decision to go back to study and keep studying until I have learned more and have a voice that gets heard. My interest is in the effect systems have on individuals and in how individuals can access means to have their say. There's a ton of government guidance on service user involvment which could be utalised.

The bottom line for me is that it's about hearts and minds - one by one. It's about getting myself in a place to influence, disciplining myself to learn, broadening what I understand so that what influence I can offer is legitimate and genuinely useful.

Without a doubt the above has changed my life - coupled with changes at work and my own learning I'm ready to get back into the boxing ring, but I'll train hard first!

FriendInNeed

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It sounds like ur doing all the right things, hopefully in time when u do think back to what happened, instead of it causing anger/frustration etc u will be able to say..."it was because of this happening that i did what i did and i am here now doing this",

Good luck with the studying!!