equus

I went hunting for an old thread - I've got rather a lot of them and didn't get far enough to find it. I got caught up reading old titles and the little paras that appear underneath when you hold the cursor over them.

I read lots from last June/July/August - just little snippets, one I clicked onto where I'd just got back from my GP who'd reassured me the NHS would be there to help when it was needed and to just let go and let it happen. I had been so relieved, felt so much better, felt safe.

Each little paragraph came with a memory as I had become more and more afraid of what was happening, as we waited desperately for help that didn't arrive, as I heard he'd been refused again, my post the day after he'd drank saying he needed the help.

I need to get over it, I still have no name for what happened although I believe it was a breakdown and we just got left to deal with it. I've lost count of the times I think I've done enough to put it to rest. We've remortgaged the house so I can stash money away and never rely on healthcare again. D is SO different, doing SO well, he is tough and I know he always was. Despite all that I feel pulled back to then, I feel shakey and tearful, angry and bemused that it really happened.

I don't know if right now I'm making a mountain out a molehill, or if the rest of the time I'm just pushing it down - I hate that it comes back like this. I feel like we got let down by our society, our country and those that make their wage supposedly offering help. I begged and begged for help, D went and went again to ask, our GP's begged for us, my GP called it intolerable and inhumane.

I can't find a resolution, there's no-one to forgive or understand, just a faceless system, just my home town, our country.

Maybe I should just REFUSE to think about it and leave it ignored while we get on with life. Or maybe I haven't tried hard enough to find a REAL resolution?