brdlvr

I truly want to thank all of my SR friends for the advice that you gave me this weekend. My xbf (or bf in my heart- not sure how to refer to him) still hasn't called me from jail. Of course, that in itself is making my mind swim. Usually he'll call the first night he's in. I know the drill, he has a bail review hearing today - with his luck - they'll let him out like they always due on the condition that he'll go to court - which as usual - he won't.

I'm going to go to a AA meeting each night - My head won't clear and I can't get better if I'm still numbing myself, still hanging with disfucntional people (other drinkers). I still have a huge black cloud over my head, still on the verge of tears, am at work today, but really just wanted to stay in bed.

To be honest - if the bf calls - I don't know how I'll act or what I'll say. I wish I could say I won't take his call - but right now - this minute I can't say that in all certainty. Maybe if I get off the alcohol, I'll be in a better place and get stronger and get a better sense of self worth.

Thanks again!

Brdlvr

megamysterioso

Hi Brdlvr and I've been following your other thread. I did not post there b/c I had nothing new to add and completely agreed with what the others were telling you.

IMO, that should be your first priority period. Once you are sober long enough for the cobwebs to clear, I'm confident that you will begin to see things in a new light. Please continue those AA meetings and TRY YOUR HARDEST to get HIM off of your mind. ALL of your focus really must be on YOU right now and your recovery. If it's not, your own recovery and well-being is taking second place to a possible phone call you may or may not receive. His dysfunction plays into yours and vice versa. It's a very unhealthy relationship for both of you.

Pick-a-name

brdlvr: So glad you posted and that you are feeling (and sound!) better.

Great idea about the AA meeting and getting yourself healthy........should help everything else fall into place for you.

On a good note........maybe you will not have to worry about what to say and even if he called if you are busy getting yourself healthy. Who knows.......your changes my even give bf something to see and think about.

Best of luck and keep us posted. Hope today is a better day for you.....sounds like it has all the makings for that! Hang close to your AA friend is what sounds like a good idea now.

laurie6781

I will repeat what I posted earlier:

"Hey Brdlvr, from one alkie to another, your ex is NOT YOUR PROBLEM, your excessive use of alcohol IS YOUR PROBLEM.

You are using the EX to have an excuse NOT TO WORK ON YOU and to keep drinking.

Listen to your Temporary Sponsor. Go to lots of meetings, get the Big Book and read it starting with the 'forwards' and DO NOT SKIP "The Doctor's Opinion."

I was where you are a VERY LONG LONG TIME AGO and I had to go much further down before I finally got sober. You have an excellent opportunity here to help yourself. Please do it.

JMHO"

Only you can do this, we cannot do it for you. You have to work on you!!! The longer you continue to focus on 'him' the longer you will stay in misery. Your previouse thread offered you many 'ladders' to climb out of the hole you have been digging. When are you going to start using the ladders?

Love and (((((to all))))),

CatsTail

Go to the doctor for a check-up you may need B vitamins for awhile.

Step One "Admitted we were powerless over alcohol that our lives had become unmanageable."

Don't expect you'll be thinking clearly for awhile it takes time to get the alcohol out of your system

Drink lots of green tea and herbal teas to help you detox and water.

Get the Big Book and a book called Living Sober. These will get you started.

And stay away from all triggers and that includes your EX BF.

When I begin to focus on something that my S.O should be doing in his life it's a sure sign I need to be doing it in mine. When I'm focussing on someone else I'm escaping from my self-responsibilities.

Ngaire

brdlvr

Thanks. I really do need alanon too. I keep thinking did he ever really love me? What if I never told him to get lost - maybe if I waited it out longer and shown him more love - he would have tried harder to get sober. I was on the getting them sober site and alot of them say their behavior (in this case - trying to date the barfly) is not about us (me). It's about them and addiction. Still trying to understand that

minnie

Glad to hear you're doing better, although I guess that is a relative term at the moment.

Are you listening to what people are saying to you? And can you see that this:
applies equally to your behaviour as it does to his?

brdlvr

Hmmm? I don't understand?

prodigal

Well, you've admitted your an alcoholic, so you realize you have an obsession with alcohol, but it appears that you are obsessed with this guy too. Do you think you could force yourself to post a single thread in which you don't mention this man??? I mean, we all want you to get well, but to keep hearing about this ex-bf/alkie is getting a bit tiring. I understand obsession, having dealt with it all too often in my own life situation, but for cryin' out loud, can you give it your best shot to just quit mentioning this guy in your posts? Frankly, I don't care about what's going on with him whether it relates to you or not. Let him deal with his own mess. YOU LIFE IS UNMANAGEABLE AND WILL REMAIN SO UNTIL YOU FOCUS ON YOU AND YOU ALONE. Sorry for sounding so harsh, but I don't think I'm alone in saying we're getting a bit weary of hearing about every little detail about someone who is NOT the individual posting here.

pmaslan

I feel that you are acting as if you are hearing all of this for the
very first time.
I am not sure if your codenpendancy is getting worse
or
your issue with your own drinking problem is getting worse.
At this point all you can do (at any point really) is take care
of yourself. As long as you dwell on the what if's and maybe's
you will stay in this awful place .
I agree, way too much him and not enough you.....
Let us know how those meetings are going for you
and what you are doing for yourself, please.

GettingFree

alot of them say their behavior (in this case - trying to date the barfly) is not about us (me).

Simply put, this means that an addict's behavior and choices has to do with issues they are battling inside themselves, and are not caused by outside forces or people in their current lives. In this case, an alcoholic betraying a spouse has nothing to do with their spouse's behavior, but everything to do with internal issues inside of them.

And can you see that this applies equally to your behaviour as it does to his?

What I think Minnie is trying to say is that your behavior has little to do with your bf and everything to do with your own issues, coupled with your choice to use alcohol to avoid those issues.

Once you can acknowledge the idea that you have issues to address completely separate from your bf -- and that they'd likely be there even if he didn't exist -- you'll truly be on a recovery path to address your unhappiness and turn your life around.

brdlvr

I suspect both is getting worse. I'm off to another AA meeting tonight. X boss called me - told me that he knows x has been breaking into his house - has had jewelry, percasets, booze, and change missing. Set up a video camera and saw him. Police were called, but doubt they will pin it on him as video was grainy. Anyhoo, I guess that's that - only thing to do is heal my self and move on. I cannot deny what he is and probably always has been. A con, thief, liar, user, alcoholic. I think his very bad behaviour goes beyond the addiction as boss said that the time he suspected him of breaking in - x was working and as far as he knows, wasn't drinking. I'm sad - but not for "losing" him - but for finally seeing without a doubt that I was played - that does hurt. Live and learn

CatsTail

Hi,

Healing is al if elong process that we never graduate from, It entails a whole new way of living if we truly want it.

Try writing about just you next time
and don't take calls from the losers boss. Those are a trigger in themselves.
Ngaire