please please someone help me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: california
Posts: 70
please please someone help me
please, i need advice. i don't want Alanon advice. I know it, I read it,..etc. I want advice from everyone but especially those in recovery now. please, please please, i just don't know what to do and i DO take care of myself, I do live my own life, I am good at that , but I just want to do the right thing in a wrong sitation and I need help. There is a long story below, but please, please read it and post some honest advice. I can handle anything :-)
My BF has been an addict since he was...well, about 12. he began smoking pot and drinking at that time. his father had been a coke addict up until that time. his parents were ex hippies, very good and kind people but dad was into coke and cheating on his mom and mom detached from everything way before she discovered alanon. MY BF was also sexually abused at age 7 by a 15 yr old friend of the family/maybe his cousin (his mom speculates...). He was into acid by 13/14. coke by 15, heroine, by 17 (although his crack cocaine/heroine addiciton wouldn hit full blown disaster until his mid 20's. I met him when we were fifteen. we went out for a minute but then just stayed friends. i could never be with him when he was high or using. i was always striaght--never even smoked a cigarette (read "GoAsk Alice" when I was 12 and it freaked me out, THANK GOD!!!!). I was always just into my art, music, books and getting the hell out of where I lived which I did. He and I stayed friends all these years; I spent many Xmas at his parents house over the years, with and without him. They loved me, and so did he. I always loved him as well. and while we went out to live our own lives, in different states, sometimes different countries, his disease got worse. He had his first stint in jail in his early 20's, drug related theft. he stayed out of prison for the next 4 years or so, while living in another state. he continued to get high, steal, drink heavily. but it wasn't until he returned to his hometown that his crack cocain/heroine (his DOC) addiction really got out of control. within a brief time he was stealing from his family and after several arrests and stints in rehab, which clearly failed, his family pressed ful charges. The judge gave him a suspended 10 yr sentance, but he relapsed and got sent off to prison for three years. He did good in prison; didn't get high, excelled, got into a boot camp program, excelled there as well. got to go home on house arrest last winter after 2 years in. He was under house arrest at his parents house for 5 months when he relapsed. Now it was when he came home under house arrest that I come back into the picture. he had been writing me letters for years and calling me and telling me he still loved me etc, he had always wanted to end up with me... 'grow old together' etc..... so after a few years of this, and not taking it seriously b/c I didnt think he was clean or ready, finally I caved when he came home last winter. (I know, crazy.. what was I thinking? but when you love someone, you want to believe him and I have known him for so long and I still saw him as that sweet baby faced, amazing kind and wonderful kid I met at 15...) anyway, he wasnt going to meetings while under house arrest, and eventually after starting the work program he relapsed for a month, they gave him a UA and he failed of course, violating his probabtion and sending him back in for atleast a year, maybe year and half.
Throughout this time, I stayed loyal to him; he wrote me letter after letter apologizing, I knew it was an addiction, a disease, etc.. I wanted to believe him (we always do...). I spent 6 months talking to him, writing letters, getting his recomendation letters from employers, case workers etc... to take before the judge to get him released into a rehab program rather than prison. and finally it happened. we got a date, sooner than expected thru a friend of a friend who made a call who made a call etc.... the judge released him into a half way house which we THOUGHT was a real program. That was this Fall. The house turned out to be a joke. everyon relapsing, getting high, no meetings really required. A JOKE! Another guy just od'd a week ago. So BF was doing well regardless, the first month, going to meetings, got a job a week out!... on his own. was always on time, went to his meetings... but didnt get a sponsor... had a beer here and there... started going to less and less meetings. He relapsed around Thanksgiving. Took some codeine. confessed to me ( a new one.. he never tells anyone anything..). ... it all got worse from there. he got a 2nd job, which gave him the perfect reason to stop going to meetings (no time, of course...). He began using heroine again, around Xmas. He overdosed in my apartment on Jan 12th. I left town on a bussiness trip the next morning, determined not to get sucked down his black hole with him. I held his blue and white head while on the phone with paramedics, got him breathing again, he came to just as the paramedics ran up the steps. he jolted up, and pretended like nothing happened
... he tried to tell them he hadnt taken anything, but finally said he had taken some metahdone .... (LIE!). When he came to he told me he had gotten high 2-3 times in the past three weeks (LIE!). I went on my trip for the next 5 days, talking to him several times a day, believing he was going to meeings (LIE!) and when I came home I thought things would be ok. For a day. Then I realized he was still lying to me.. spinning in circles, spinning his tall tales, so I told him to not come over. Why? Why? whats up baby? The usual... I told him, 'no, if you are using, we are done, if you are lying to me and getting high, you can not be inmy house". So he starts to cry, starts conefssing that he relapsed and its bad, he doesnt know what to do, can't stop, feels like ****, keeps trying to stop but can't. his house is smack in the worst drug dealing neighborhood in the city (what is it with this **********d up system that they do this to them?) I ask him if he wants help. I ask him if he wants my advice.
yes.
I tell him, he needs to leave the day job. period. detox. and start over. he says ok. i tell him if he agress to that, he can detox in my home. but he has to stay here. no leaving and coming back. if he leaves he doesnt come back. he sticks to me like glue. ok he says.
so he comes over, the next morning we go over to the clinic, he borrows another $250 from his father ( I have a very strict rule about not giving him money EVER. Under any circumstances. I will not give him money.) and he begins detoxing on suboxone. All seems fine for almost a week. seven days clean. he is going to meetings. he has even called a counseling center. he wants to get clean, he wants more than anything to live a different life.
now, wait, its not over yet. but let me just fill in some details. his parents are kind of great. for all their f***ups they actually did somehow manage to instill in him some good values. he is a good kind hearted generous soul, a talented artist with compassion and decency and he treats people very politely, with consideration etc... anyway, he is very loyal, nonviolent, and thoughtful (we will exclude his getting high and hurting all of us for the moment) all I am saying is he has loads of potential if he can ever get clean.
and here is my question... so last night, i ask him where his paycheck is. the one he got friday. he tells me in his pcoket. i ask to see it. no. why? b/c i am not doing this with you. why? because you cashed it? it shouldnt matter if I cashed it. why? b/c you wanted to get high, is that why you cashed it? I didnt cash it. yes, you did. i can tell.
a fight ensues. long story... he spins his lies for another 10 minutes, i tell him to leave, he gets dressed, sits downstairs for a few minutes, finally confesses he cashed the bloody thing and yes, did try to get high but got 'burned' and so didnt actually get high. he gives me the remainder of his money and leaves. i take it, shut the door. in 5 minutes he is back. he wants his money. i tell him no for about 5 minutes then figure, why am i engaging in this insanity. if he wants to get high he will, so i give him his money. he leaves again for 2 minutes. comes right back. says he doesnt want to leave. doesnt want me to think he is off getting high which is what i will think if he leaves. i let him back in.
so basically, he has been lying to me again for another 24 hours. now, i really just want to tell him to leave, b/c at this point I really and truly get it... there is nothing i can do to get him clean. i may even be hurting him by always being there. but the thing is, I haven't always been here, and I know he feels disgusted with himself. i know he wants to be clean, he just seems so immature about it --he is constantly in denail and always lying to himslef and me... (which would make sense since he began getting high at 12... he is only 31 now)... i dont know what to do. do i kick him out and make him go back to that hell house, smack in the middle of coke/heroine central? do i take him for his one last dose at the clinic, today? thing is, he has been telling me he is going to meetings and if i want him to he will go see the counselor, he knows he cant get clean without a sponsor and the prgram so he will do all that, but he tells me he is doing it for me, for us. and i keep telling him, thanks thats nice, but it can't be for me, it has to be for You. but maybe its good to just get him in those rooms at all? for whatever reason? i dont know. this is where all my questions are. i just dont know what to do. should i leave him and let him fall again if he does, or encourage him to go to his meetings etc? I know if he relapses again he will end up dead or back in prison (which is maybe where he belongs, sadly) ...I don't know. I do love him, but I am going crazy. i dont know what to do. but I have had it with the lies. and I do know that nothing i say or do will keep him or get him clean. i know its for him to do on his own. but where is the line between enabling and being supportive? i don't give him money. EVER. He usually pays for our meals when we go out and on occasion I will buy us botha burger. but otherwise I have NEVER given him money. if he is using, I won't be with him. he has never stolen from me (excpet $20 a long time ago), he isnt violent (alhtough he yells allot when frustrated.. but...), ...
what do I do? should I leave him on his own? I know thats probably the right thing to do, but it feels like he is so close this time, and I do want to be supportive... but then again, i think I may be lying to myself. if he wants to get clean he will do it. maybe he's just not done yet. how do you know? what the hell do I do? i dont want to abandon him , but I dont want to hinder his recovery either. at this point I am not so much concerned about our relationship but just his health. what do you think?
please, any advice at all?????????????????
My BF has been an addict since he was...well, about 12. he began smoking pot and drinking at that time. his father had been a coke addict up until that time. his parents were ex hippies, very good and kind people but dad was into coke and cheating on his mom and mom detached from everything way before she discovered alanon. MY BF was also sexually abused at age 7 by a 15 yr old friend of the family/maybe his cousin (his mom speculates...). He was into acid by 13/14. coke by 15, heroine, by 17 (although his crack cocaine/heroine addiciton wouldn hit full blown disaster until his mid 20's. I met him when we were fifteen. we went out for a minute but then just stayed friends. i could never be with him when he was high or using. i was always striaght--never even smoked a cigarette (read "GoAsk Alice" when I was 12 and it freaked me out, THANK GOD!!!!). I was always just into my art, music, books and getting the hell out of where I lived which I did. He and I stayed friends all these years; I spent many Xmas at his parents house over the years, with and without him. They loved me, and so did he. I always loved him as well. and while we went out to live our own lives, in different states, sometimes different countries, his disease got worse. He had his first stint in jail in his early 20's, drug related theft. he stayed out of prison for the next 4 years or so, while living in another state. he continued to get high, steal, drink heavily. but it wasn't until he returned to his hometown that his crack cocain/heroine (his DOC) addiction really got out of control. within a brief time he was stealing from his family and after several arrests and stints in rehab, which clearly failed, his family pressed ful charges. The judge gave him a suspended 10 yr sentance, but he relapsed and got sent off to prison for three years. He did good in prison; didn't get high, excelled, got into a boot camp program, excelled there as well. got to go home on house arrest last winter after 2 years in. He was under house arrest at his parents house for 5 months when he relapsed. Now it was when he came home under house arrest that I come back into the picture. he had been writing me letters for years and calling me and telling me he still loved me etc, he had always wanted to end up with me... 'grow old together' etc..... so after a few years of this, and not taking it seriously b/c I didnt think he was clean or ready, finally I caved when he came home last winter. (I know, crazy.. what was I thinking? but when you love someone, you want to believe him and I have known him for so long and I still saw him as that sweet baby faced, amazing kind and wonderful kid I met at 15...) anyway, he wasnt going to meetings while under house arrest, and eventually after starting the work program he relapsed for a month, they gave him a UA and he failed of course, violating his probabtion and sending him back in for atleast a year, maybe year and half.
Throughout this time, I stayed loyal to him; he wrote me letter after letter apologizing, I knew it was an addiction, a disease, etc.. I wanted to believe him (we always do...). I spent 6 months talking to him, writing letters, getting his recomendation letters from employers, case workers etc... to take before the judge to get him released into a rehab program rather than prison. and finally it happened. we got a date, sooner than expected thru a friend of a friend who made a call who made a call etc.... the judge released him into a half way house which we THOUGHT was a real program. That was this Fall. The house turned out to be a joke. everyon relapsing, getting high, no meetings really required. A JOKE! Another guy just od'd a week ago. So BF was doing well regardless, the first month, going to meetings, got a job a week out!... on his own. was always on time, went to his meetings... but didnt get a sponsor... had a beer here and there... started going to less and less meetings. He relapsed around Thanksgiving. Took some codeine. confessed to me ( a new one.. he never tells anyone anything..). ... it all got worse from there. he got a 2nd job, which gave him the perfect reason to stop going to meetings (no time, of course...). He began using heroine again, around Xmas. He overdosed in my apartment on Jan 12th. I left town on a bussiness trip the next morning, determined not to get sucked down his black hole with him. I held his blue and white head while on the phone with paramedics, got him breathing again, he came to just as the paramedics ran up the steps. he jolted up, and pretended like nothing happened
... he tried to tell them he hadnt taken anything, but finally said he had taken some metahdone .... (LIE!). When he came to he told me he had gotten high 2-3 times in the past three weeks (LIE!). I went on my trip for the next 5 days, talking to him several times a day, believing he was going to meeings (LIE!) and when I came home I thought things would be ok. For a day. Then I realized he was still lying to me.. spinning in circles, spinning his tall tales, so I told him to not come over. Why? Why? whats up baby? The usual... I told him, 'no, if you are using, we are done, if you are lying to me and getting high, you can not be inmy house". So he starts to cry, starts conefssing that he relapsed and its bad, he doesnt know what to do, can't stop, feels like ****, keeps trying to stop but can't. his house is smack in the worst drug dealing neighborhood in the city (what is it with this **********d up system that they do this to them?) I ask him if he wants help. I ask him if he wants my advice. yes.
I tell him, he needs to leave the day job. period. detox. and start over. he says ok. i tell him if he agress to that, he can detox in my home. but he has to stay here. no leaving and coming back. if he leaves he doesnt come back. he sticks to me like glue. ok he says.
so he comes over, the next morning we go over to the clinic, he borrows another $250 from his father ( I have a very strict rule about not giving him money EVER. Under any circumstances. I will not give him money.) and he begins detoxing on suboxone. All seems fine for almost a week. seven days clean. he is going to meetings. he has even called a counseling center. he wants to get clean, he wants more than anything to live a different life.
now, wait, its not over yet. but let me just fill in some details. his parents are kind of great. for all their f***ups they actually did somehow manage to instill in him some good values. he is a good kind hearted generous soul, a talented artist with compassion and decency and he treats people very politely, with consideration etc... anyway, he is very loyal, nonviolent, and thoughtful (we will exclude his getting high and hurting all of us for the moment) all I am saying is he has loads of potential if he can ever get clean.
and here is my question... so last night, i ask him where his paycheck is. the one he got friday. he tells me in his pcoket. i ask to see it. no. why? b/c i am not doing this with you. why? because you cashed it? it shouldnt matter if I cashed it. why? b/c you wanted to get high, is that why you cashed it? I didnt cash it. yes, you did. i can tell.
a fight ensues. long story... he spins his lies for another 10 minutes, i tell him to leave, he gets dressed, sits downstairs for a few minutes, finally confesses he cashed the bloody thing and yes, did try to get high but got 'burned' and so didnt actually get high. he gives me the remainder of his money and leaves. i take it, shut the door. in 5 minutes he is back. he wants his money. i tell him no for about 5 minutes then figure, why am i engaging in this insanity. if he wants to get high he will, so i give him his money. he leaves again for 2 minutes. comes right back. says he doesnt want to leave. doesnt want me to think he is off getting high which is what i will think if he leaves. i let him back in.
so basically, he has been lying to me again for another 24 hours. now, i really just want to tell him to leave, b/c at this point I really and truly get it... there is nothing i can do to get him clean. i may even be hurting him by always being there. but the thing is, I haven't always been here, and I know he feels disgusted with himself. i know he wants to be clean, he just seems so immature about it --he is constantly in denail and always lying to himslef and me... (which would make sense since he began getting high at 12... he is only 31 now)... i dont know what to do. do i kick him out and make him go back to that hell house, smack in the middle of coke/heroine central? do i take him for his one last dose at the clinic, today? thing is, he has been telling me he is going to meetings and if i want him to he will go see the counselor, he knows he cant get clean without a sponsor and the prgram so he will do all that, but he tells me he is doing it for me, for us. and i keep telling him, thanks thats nice, but it can't be for me, it has to be for You. but maybe its good to just get him in those rooms at all? for whatever reason? i dont know. this is where all my questions are. i just dont know what to do. should i leave him and let him fall again if he does, or encourage him to go to his meetings etc? I know if he relapses again he will end up dead or back in prison (which is maybe where he belongs, sadly) ...I don't know. I do love him, but I am going crazy. i dont know what to do. but I have had it with the lies. and I do know that nothing i say or do will keep him or get him clean. i know its for him to do on his own. but where is the line between enabling and being supportive? i don't give him money. EVER. He usually pays for our meals when we go out and on occasion I will buy us botha burger. but otherwise I have NEVER given him money. if he is using, I won't be with him. he has never stolen from me (excpet $20 a long time ago), he isnt violent (alhtough he yells allot when frustrated.. but...), ...
what do I do? should I leave him on his own? I know thats probably the right thing to do, but it feels like he is so close this time, and I do want to be supportive... but then again, i think I may be lying to myself. if he wants to get clean he will do it. maybe he's just not done yet. how do you know? what the hell do I do? i dont want to abandon him , but I dont want to hinder his recovery either. at this point I am not so much concerned about our relationship but just his health. what do you think?
please, any advice at all?????????????????
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: california
Posts: 70
oops
sorry, i didn't mean to say i dont want Alanon advice, I love Alanon, I just meant I want all kinds of advice from everyone...especially addicts in recovery b/c they have been in ABF shoes anyway...whatever, I am just desperate for advice. probably, i just dont want to face my own knowledge that the right thing to do and the hardest thing to are usually the sam thing, right? God, whoever posted that just reallyh knocked it into me... anyway, please... help!!!
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Wow, what a story. I wish I had more time to write back to you. Since I don't I'll give you my short version. I was addicted to meth. I had 11 weeks clean yesterday.
You either do it or you don't. He is not and hasn't been. I could give you so many reasons why I wanted to relapse or use in the last 11 weeks, it's pathetic. It doesn't matter, no one or any situation can make you use. He is playing you and he has been for a long time, imo. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you.
He plays the game of "recovery" when he feels like it. When it works for him and suits his purpose. He doesn't worry about the consequences when he uses, he expects everyone else to do that though.
That was a harsh answer and just off the top of my head. I understand and have empathy also, but I think he's bringing you down with his insanity. I would get out now, and find someone who appreciates you. I know he probably does, but someone who would choose you over drugs.
I'm sorry if that sounds harsh or mean, I don't mean for it too. Wish I had more time to think that reply out, but I don't, so I'll send it.
Keep posting!
DWI
You either do it or you don't. He is not and hasn't been. I could give you so many reasons why I wanted to relapse or use in the last 11 weeks, it's pathetic. It doesn't matter, no one or any situation can make you use. He is playing you and he has been for a long time, imo. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you.
He plays the game of "recovery" when he feels like it. When it works for him and suits his purpose. He doesn't worry about the consequences when he uses, he expects everyone else to do that though.
That was a harsh answer and just off the top of my head. I understand and have empathy also, but I think he's bringing you down with his insanity. I would get out now, and find someone who appreciates you. I know he probably does, but someone who would choose you over drugs.
I'm sorry if that sounds harsh or mean, I don't mean for it too. Wish I had more time to think that reply out, but I don't, so I'll send it.
Keep posting!
DWI
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: california
Posts: 70
Thanks! That all makes sense of course. You are right. Its just good to hear it.
PS I LOVE your dancing girl :-) have from the moment I got on this site. she kind of rocks
Anyway, thanks.
Its really a sad story. it breaks my heart. I can't believe this is who he has become. he is still lying to me. as i write....
PS I LOVE your dancing girl :-) have from the moment I got on this site. she kind of rocks
Anyway, thanks.
Its really a sad story. it breaks my heart. I can't believe this is who he has become. he is still lying to me. as i write....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: GOLDRIVER
Posts: 10
you need to get him out of your life. he needs to make those steps on his own. all he is going to do is latch on to you and make you believe that he is trying to get clean. when really he is buying himself time. he needs to make the choice that drugs are not going to be apart of his life. and you need to let him go. you are treating him like a little kid. dont give him any options. let him know there is only one option and that is to stop forever. seems to me you are more worried about it then he is. your providing a house for him and putting all the effort in him getting clean not him. make him put the effort in by himself. you must really love this person alot because you have been throught the thick and thin with him and keep giving him chance after chance. I feel as if your love is there however his is not. If he loves you he would stop doing drugs and have it not be part of your life at all and worry you with those issues. I wish you the best of luck because it seems as if your love for him is endless and he is taking advatanage of that. you need to think about yourself and let him go.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Salisbury Wiltshire
Posts: 1,904
I read your story and was so touched...
My dad left the UK when I was 16, I went out into the world and got into drugs...ended up an alcoholic, finally got into recovery 5 years ago.
the thing is my dad etched a life for himself in the USA and married an american lady and took on her son, a bright,warm, clever, funny guy, a few years younger than me.
When i first went out to visit at17, he and his friend were doing something like crack cocaine stuff...Crystals and spoons and the like!!!
22 years later we still visit and last year I was heart broken to see a wreck of a young man, shooting ******* heroin into his arms.....Drinking half bottle of rum at 9am drinking all day and popping pills constantly...I even had to take them away because he was eating them like candy!!!!
I was so bitterly angry that this guy who had been given everything, (a college education, brand new Toyota pick up, jobs,a boat and all the fishing gear, his own damned bedroom, all his fags and boose ALL SUPPLIED) Not to mention MY dad too who has spent more time with him than he ever did with my brother and me who got nothing....We were abandoned!
He got into trouble with the law too but my dad and his mum put thier house up as bail to get him out, its only because of thier jobs and high standing in the community that hes still out of jail!!! For ***** sake they are buying the stuff for him now!!!! as he has no money or jobs...I told my dad that he was enabling him to carry on but at the end of the day its **** all to do with me...They are not stupid they know they are killing him, its breaking thier hearts it will kill his mom, it will probbaly kill dad too....
So when I saw him jacking this **** up I just wanted to kill him.....
I understand its a disease, I have a disease too alcoholism, but I decided 5 years ago that I had to do something about it and yes it WAS before I lost EVERYTHING. It was a moment of clarity whenI couyld see what I was doing to my famaily that I decided to do something about it..
Your man probably needs to go to the depths of despair before he finally realises. I know that my step bro is still using and will continue t do so. He has not got to the pit of despair yet because life is a bit peachy for him right?
As for you my love you need to live life too, maybe its time to decide really decide for yourself do i want to do this anymore??
You already know the answers dont you? deep down you cannot help him, but you are as bloody confused and frightened as any of us and need that reassurance form others, that is what this site is for...
You have done all you can for this man, its up to you if you wnat to stick it out.
I know I couldnt do it if the boot was on the other foot and I was living with an alcoholic becaue I know what its like to be a lying, self centered, devious,selfish bastard myself!!!
I have sid this before soemtimes people get that momnet of clarity soemtimes they dont..
I send love and prayers to the both of you I hope he gets into recovery for the right reasons next time...
I hope this helps a litlle you are never alone
love Purrddyyxxxxxx
My dad left the UK when I was 16, I went out into the world and got into drugs...ended up an alcoholic, finally got into recovery 5 years ago.
the thing is my dad etched a life for himself in the USA and married an american lady and took on her son, a bright,warm, clever, funny guy, a few years younger than me.
When i first went out to visit at17, he and his friend were doing something like crack cocaine stuff...Crystals and spoons and the like!!!
22 years later we still visit and last year I was heart broken to see a wreck of a young man, shooting ******* heroin into his arms.....Drinking half bottle of rum at 9am drinking all day and popping pills constantly...I even had to take them away because he was eating them like candy!!!!
I was so bitterly angry that this guy who had been given everything, (a college education, brand new Toyota pick up, jobs,a boat and all the fishing gear, his own damned bedroom, all his fags and boose ALL SUPPLIED) Not to mention MY dad too who has spent more time with him than he ever did with my brother and me who got nothing....We were abandoned!
He got into trouble with the law too but my dad and his mum put thier house up as bail to get him out, its only because of thier jobs and high standing in the community that hes still out of jail!!! For ***** sake they are buying the stuff for him now!!!! as he has no money or jobs...I told my dad that he was enabling him to carry on but at the end of the day its **** all to do with me...They are not stupid they know they are killing him, its breaking thier hearts it will kill his mom, it will probbaly kill dad too....
So when I saw him jacking this **** up I just wanted to kill him.....
I understand its a disease, I have a disease too alcoholism, but I decided 5 years ago that I had to do something about it and yes it WAS before I lost EVERYTHING. It was a moment of clarity whenI couyld see what I was doing to my famaily that I decided to do something about it..
Your man probably needs to go to the depths of despair before he finally realises. I know that my step bro is still using and will continue t do so. He has not got to the pit of despair yet because life is a bit peachy for him right?
As for you my love you need to live life too, maybe its time to decide really decide for yourself do i want to do this anymore??
You already know the answers dont you? deep down you cannot help him, but you are as bloody confused and frightened as any of us and need that reassurance form others, that is what this site is for...
You have done all you can for this man, its up to you if you wnat to stick it out.
I know I couldnt do it if the boot was on the other foot and I was living with an alcoholic becaue I know what its like to be a lying, self centered, devious,selfish bastard myself!!!
I have sid this before soemtimes people get that momnet of clarity soemtimes they dont..
I send love and prayers to the both of you I hope he gets into recovery for the right reasons next time...
I hope this helps a litlle you are never alone
love Purrddyyxxxxxx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: california
Posts: 70
oops! sorry :-)
Thanks everyone for all your advice and stories. I just wanted to apologize for posting this post on two different threads... I posted it on the Nar-Anon link as well and got some wonderful wonderful insight, stories and advice on both threads. THANK YOU!!!!!!! Anyway, I am still working out how this site works and what the method is, and yesterday when I was having my little meltdown I wasnt sure what group to post it with so I got desperate and threw it out twice... So, I am sorry I didn't mean to be redundant... Thanks all for understanding
Uh, and that thing I said about not wanting Alanon advice... Yeah, uh sorry. DUH. thats like the advice I need most, right? Sorry, the truth hurts and sometimes we don't want to hear it... but today, I do
Thanks again!!!
I am still debating and thinking and not letting go but I think this will be a long painful process. He spent the night at his house last night and we spoke a few times and today, after his 12noon meeting we will go to the museum... and then go by the bookstore for a book he wants to get..."One Breath At a Time: Budhism and the 12 steps" ... and then we talked about maybe going to a meditation class together tonite. I know I can't save him, but I can help him somewhat. and he and I both know that it is only a matter of time before my work takes me back to the city and when that happens I want him to have all the tools right in front of him. I know he will probably relapse again while I am gone and that may be for the best... he will find his way on his own eventually but in the meantime, my codie/crazy self wants to know that I did everything I possibly could to make his trek on this dark and scary road a little easier. I always tell him that I will love him unconditionally, no matter what but I won't stay with him unconfitionally. I know what the right thing to do is...I have to leave him & let him go and knowing that alone kills me, but I also know that if I do find the strength to leave him (for now... then we will see where life takes us both) it will still take time, and I will have my own relapses. Recovery is a slowly process for all, and now I see more and more that I am just as buried in my own self deception and denial as he is. .... anyway, I didnt mean to veer off into the negative.
It is gorgeous out today. And the sun is shining. And for today everyone I know and love is alive & well and I will focus on that. Thanks for letting me share
Please, I could still use more stories and advice, so please don't stop sending it my way just because I am a good talker up there.... Everyday I will come here to remind myself of the hard stuff I have to do and all your stories and support and advice will be very very much appreciated. Thanx!!!
I didn't mean to be redundant... Thanks all for understanding Uh, and that thing I said about not wanting Alanon advice... Yeah, uh sorry. DUH. thats like the advice I need most, right? Sorry, the truth hurts and sometimes we don't want to hear it... but today, I do
Thanks again!!! I am still debating and thinking and not letting go but I think this will be a long painful process. He spent the night at his house last night and we spoke a few times and today, after his 12noon meeting we will go to the museum... and then go by the bookstore for a book he wants to get..."One Breath At a Time: Budhism and the 12 steps" ... and then we talked about maybe going to a meditation class together tonite. I know I can't save him, but I can help him somewhat. and he and I both know that it is only a matter of time before my work takes me back to the city and when that happens I want him to have all the tools right in front of him. I know he will probably relapse again while I am gone and that may be for the best... he will find his way on his own eventually but in the meantime, my codie/crazy self wants to know that I did everything I possibly could to make his trek on this dark and scary road a little easier. I always tell him that I will love him unconditionally, no matter what but I won't stay with him unconfitionally. I know what the right thing to do is...I have to leave him & let him go and knowing that alone kills me, but I also know that if I do find the strength to leave him (for now... then we will see where life takes us both) it will still take time, and I will have my own relapses. Recovery is a slowly process for all, and now I see more and more that I am just as buried in my own self deception and denial as he is. .... anyway, I didnt mean to veer off into the negative.
It is gorgeous out today. And the sun is shining. And for today everyone I know and love is alive & well and I will focus on that. Thanks for letting me share
Please, I could still use more stories and advice, so please don't stop sending it my way just because I am a good talker up there.... Everyday I will come here to remind myself of the hard stuff I have to do and all your stories and support and advice will be very very much appreciated. Thanx!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: california
Posts: 70
"Check in on him like you would check in on a family member, and love him the same way you would a brother. Don't count on him for anything. Love him from a distance and let him know thru phone calls, e-mails and letters that you love him and hope the best for him."
Thanks Ms. B. Good advice :-) Thats how it was for allot of years until recently.... It should go back to that for a while... maybe forever... Time will tell. Thank you!!
Thanks Ms. B. Good advice :-) Thats how it was for allot of years until recently.... It should go back to that for a while... maybe forever... Time will tell. Thank you!!
The pain ends, eventually.
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Saunderstown, RI
Posts: 1
A friend to someone who has a disease
You are a good person to love your friend so much. But, to watch him destroy his life, that's another subject.
I can only say to you that you need to follow your mind and your heart, it will lead you in the right direction. You can't hold his money forever. You said it, if he's going to use, he's going to use. I think you need to focus on what YOU want for YOUR life. You have the will to succeed and live a happy, wonderful life. If you can do all this for him, WOW, look what you can (and I'm sure are) doing for you.
This is easier said than done. My man is messed up and I keep running to the rescue. It's a horrible way to live. I have to figure out how, when, if, etc..I want to stop. I am going to a counselor and he is working with me.
Think about this one....what would happen if your friend robbed someone and snuck the goods into your house and the cops come, arrest him, and it's all in your house? This is scary stuff, and I have lived this life already, I suffer from my own drug addiction, jail, etc. IT'S NOT WORTH IT! But I know it's hard, I can't just walk away.
Good luck, I wish I could tell you what to do, but I know that doesn't work! Think of yourself first. You are special and NEVER loose sight of what you want. Trust me on that one!
I can only say to you that you need to follow your mind and your heart, it will lead you in the right direction. You can't hold his money forever. You said it, if he's going to use, he's going to use. I think you need to focus on what YOU want for YOUR life. You have the will to succeed and live a happy, wonderful life. If you can do all this for him, WOW, look what you can (and I'm sure are) doing for you.
This is easier said than done. My man is messed up and I keep running to the rescue. It's a horrible way to live. I have to figure out how, when, if, etc..I want to stop. I am going to a counselor and he is working with me.
Think about this one....what would happen if your friend robbed someone and snuck the goods into your house and the cops come, arrest him, and it's all in your house? This is scary stuff, and I have lived this life already, I suffer from my own drug addiction, jail, etc. IT'S NOT WORTH IT! But I know it's hard, I can't just walk away.
Good luck, I wish I could tell you what to do, but I know that doesn't work! Think of yourself first. You are special and NEVER loose sight of what you want. Trust me on that one!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: suffolk
Posts: 4
Just been reading your story and the replys. just wanted to say thanks... have recently become involved with a guy and been fighting with myself on how i can help him. you have just reasured me. my dad gave me the advise of pushing him away and to be cruel to be kind. i tried this but all his tears and talk of giving up made me keep living in the farytale of saving him. i know now that i have to let him loose to gain the strength to change. i know how tough this must be for you because you have known him for so long and loved him. what have you decided to do. its just so stomach twisting to watch. and im like you i cant turn my back.
lots and lots of love to you. take care.
lots and lots of love to you. take care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: california
Posts: 70
hey shep
i just posted a thread 5mins ago with the most recent stuff and I am having a hard time again as well... what you just said, about his tears and etc... rings so true in my life as well.. its is SOO hard to know what to do... I am trying to be there for him as a friend for now and see what happens... I am not sleeping with him and I have made it clear that I am not ready to right now... that is one of my boundaries... I am also reading my books and trying to go to meetings, trying to meditate and be strong and have "patient acceptance" of my life for today... it all sucks though... this is not the kind of relationsip I see for myself... where are my day trips and dinners???? just kidding... how could I give up ALL of this fun drama?
anyway, please keep posting.. feel free to email/PM me if you like.
hope all is well... lots of good thougths and prayers.... cheers, Milla
i just posted a thread 5mins ago with the most recent stuff and I am having a hard time again as well... what you just said, about his tears and etc... rings so true in my life as well.. its is SOO hard to know what to do... I am trying to be there for him as a friend for now and see what happens... I am not sleeping with him and I have made it clear that I am not ready to right now... that is one of my boundaries... I am also reading my books and trying to go to meetings, trying to meditate and be strong and have "patient acceptance" of my life for today... it all sucks though... this is not the kind of relationsip I see for myself... where are my day trips and dinners????
just kidding... how could I give up ALL of this fun drama?anyway, please keep posting.. feel free to email/PM me if you like.
hope all is well... lots of good thougths and prayers.... cheers, Milla
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: san antonio texas
Posts: 78
Milla- It is so good that you are sharing your story and seeking advice. Your story has been written a thousand times in the book of addiction. I have written my own similar story with someone with a severe addiction in my past.
at this point I really and truly get it... there is nothing i can do to get him clean. i may even be hurting him by always being there.
he is constantly in denail and always lying to himslef and me...
he tells me he is doing it for me
I think you have all the answers to your story. Read your own posts again.
This is a very serious situation. Have you and his family ever considered an intervention? I think your BF knows he has a serious problem and probably truely wants to get better but it doesn't sound to me like he has alot of boundries in his support network. - in an intervention setting-that's what you do-set your boundries and lay them out on the table with the support of all involved. This is only a suggestion.
I wonder what boundries you set for yourself and what you need in all of this. I am saddened by both of your suffering and pray that you both may find better days-individualy and or collectively.
at this point I really and truly get it... there is nothing i can do to get him clean. i may even be hurting him by always being there.
he is constantly in denail and always lying to himslef and me...
he tells me he is doing it for me
I think you have all the answers to your story. Read your own posts again.
This is a very serious situation. Have you and his family ever considered an intervention? I think your BF knows he has a serious problem and probably truely wants to get better but it doesn't sound to me like he has alot of boundries in his support network. - in an intervention setting-that's what you do-set your boundries and lay them out on the table with the support of all involved. This is only a suggestion.
I wonder what boundries you set for yourself and what you need in all of this. I am saddened by both of your suffering and pray that you both may find better days-individualy and or collectively.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Wellington New Zealand
Posts: 2
Hey there,
I'm new to this but have an opiate addicted boyfriend, so am I.
We've been together for two years now. His one attempt at rehab(only for probation reasons0 lasted a whole 2 days. I've heard every excuse in the book. I ask if he has been using when he's out with friends and he turns on me, makes me feel like such an untrusting bitch that im insulting his love for me. But there is too much evidence to prove he has been getting on. Suboxone has just arrived in NZ and I was one of the first to trial it. He used in my face everyday and on my final day of my detox i used and have everyday since. We've had "the talk" many times, about supporting each other, ultimatums of seperating, nothing has seemed to work.
I know I can beat this. What I'm not sure of is if my bf can or if I can keeep clean if he isn't.
If you are not an addict, then I can understand your scared of him being with you and what might happen if you're not there.
But it's not up to you. You have to put yourself first, always. What your bf is doing is affecting you more than you will probably admit.
I thought I was the one to rescue my bf. But i've just let it all be ok by joining him in this hell.
Think about yourself, what you need and want. If he cannot give you what you need, then maybe.....
I'm new to this but have an opiate addicted boyfriend, so am I.
We've been together for two years now. His one attempt at rehab(only for probation reasons0 lasted a whole 2 days. I've heard every excuse in the book. I ask if he has been using when he's out with friends and he turns on me, makes me feel like such an untrusting bitch that im insulting his love for me. But there is too much evidence to prove he has been getting on. Suboxone has just arrived in NZ and I was one of the first to trial it. He used in my face everyday and on my final day of my detox i used and have everyday since. We've had "the talk" many times, about supporting each other, ultimatums of seperating, nothing has seemed to work.
I know I can beat this. What I'm not sure of is if my bf can or if I can keeep clean if he isn't.
If you are not an addict, then I can understand your scared of him being with you and what might happen if you're not there.
But it's not up to you. You have to put yourself first, always. What your bf is doing is affecting you more than you will probably admit.
I thought I was the one to rescue my bf. But i've just let it all be ok by joining him in this hell.
Think about yourself, what you need and want. If he cannot give you what you need, then maybe.....
Procrastinator
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 76
Milla, I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I too am going through the same thing, got the courage to kick the ABF out for the millionth time, but this time his stuff is packed and gone. It's a heartbreaker. He is now going to AA and into therapy and on Antabuse and working towards recovery, but desperately wants to come home. Those tears and begging rips me to shreds every time but I have to distance myself somewhat. I'm trying to stay strong, as you should, and just do what's best for you. This does not mean you have to give up on him, or throw him out for that matter. It just means to check on yourself once in awhile and realize that if you are going to live w/ an addict, be prepared and have the proper tools to do so. I wish you so much luck in this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: california
Posts: 70
Free, Donewith, manuka, and ILove... THANK YOU! Thank you for sharing and for sending encouraging words my way. I can't believe I am back here, in this painful place. I felt sop good last week, when I was away, and I guess that answers my question right there.
I am on my way to a NarAnon meeting tonight. It just hurts so much. And when he called tonight, I just didnt have it in me to be nice and pretend like nothing happened again. He is till lying to me. It's like the worst version of "Groundhogs' Day" EVER! (well, atleast I am getting my sense of humor back.... my eyes are all red and puffy from crying but if I can make a joke I guess I will be ok.... the smiley faces help too
I am on my way to a NarAnon meeting tonight. It just hurts so much. And when he called tonight, I just didnt have it in me to be nice and pretend like nothing happened again. He is till lying to me. It's like the worst version of "Groundhogs' Day" EVER! (well, atleast I am getting my sense of humor back.... my eyes are all red and puffy from crying but if I can make a joke I guess I will be ok.... the smiley faces help too
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: suffolk
Posts: 4
Hey guys, so nice to share this. been struggling with my concience today being valentines day n all but have not herd a thing from him in a few days and just gonna assume he is o k. not gonna call him. but struggling with that. should i? sure he is o k. romanticly i hope he is doing it! but know that probably aint true. well will call him in a few days. but hey im not here to stop him! propper tools? ilove? what are they. Milla glad to hear from you. hope you had a nice time at the pics. how you doin? i had a revelation last night as i lay in bed putting all my energy into thinking about him. i had forgotten that my life was far from perfect. so i had a beautiful day today thinking about the future and the summer. what ever happens.
love to you all and look after yourself.
love to you all and look after yourself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: suffolk
Posts: 4
you too. so sorry you had a tough one but tomorrows a new day. and reccon you did something brave. you are a strong girl. think you did the right thing just feels a bit wrong. well done girl. 
you need smiley faces il give you a million.
but the computer thinks otherwise so just imagine all those grins>
you need smiley faces il give you a million.but the computer thinks otherwise so just imagine all those grins>
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