Truthseeker11

I relapsed in day 12, hence why I’ve been MIA. I was looking and feeling so good. I know I was triggered by this situation I’m in with this broken alcoholic man I’ve been seeing for a year and a half. He unfortunately lives down the street from me and we will probably be neighbors for many years and it’s made separating myself from him very difficult. He has an ongoing relationship with his ex wife that centers on their four year old child. She doesn’t want him romantically but she controls him from afar and he for some reason won’t ever take the boy on his own, he always sees him in the presence of his ex. I don’t know why exactly, it may be that he doesn’t want the responsibility as drinking every evening is at the pub is a central part of his life. That said, I found out he went on a vacation with her this week. He did this same thing last year and lied to me about it and I found out thanks to social media and also just sensing he wasn’t actually on a “business trip”. I was extremely traumatized by this betrayal as I was in love with him. I contacted his ex wife via Facebook and she confirmed everything but then acted weird and overly protective of her son and blocked me. This man tried to somewhat win me back but things were never the same. He started giving me money via his company’s payroll, he had hired me but after this incident he never really used me but kept paying me, nothing grandiose but it definitely helped. It wasn’t like he was using me for sex. In fact he knew I was disappointed that he rarely asked me over. He wasn’t really available to me in any way but insisted on giving me money. He would call me once a week drunk and telling me he’s in love with me but he seemed uncomfortable when he said it, like he was trying hard not to be but he was. He’s always kept me at arm’s length. He’s very inexperienced with women, his marriage was very short lived, she was his best friend’s ex wife and just wanted a baby out of him, as she knew he was prime sucker material and he has his own company and a very nice house that’s paid for.

I have tortured myself over why he married and have a child to this woman but he never wanted to get close to me or commit to me in any way. He doesn’t ever want to take me out anywhere or bond with me. I see him at the pub once a week, I do a trivia there and he usually stays and hangs out with me then I drive him home. I see in his eyes that maybe he does love me, the way he looks at me. It hurts so much, I’ve felt abandoned for so long. I’m sorry this is so long. I’m in so much pain. Well I found out he is on vacation with her and their son again this week and it’s been killing me. I had already relapsed before this revelation but now I can’t seem to stop at all and I’m feeling more and more like I did before I ended up in the ER last month. I know I need to get this toxic person out of my life. When I was sober for the 12 days, I didn’t call him or talk to him and he broke down and called me after 8 days and kept telling me his much he loves me but can’t talk about it, and he almost cried. I feel like I was starting to feel stronger and I put that distance between us and he felt he was losing me. I have been texting him a lot, and I think to try to make him feel bad while he is on his vacation, but also because it’s been an outlet for my pain. It is 6:52 am and I’m very tempted to drive down the street for a bottle of wine. I look just ghastly. I cried my eyes out last night and they are so puffy. I also threw up both my meals yesterday completely involuntarily. I drank at least ten drinks. At least. I lost count. I told him he needed to stop giving me money and I need to never see or speak to him again. I know that is the best way I can hurt him which is why I’m doing it, but I also know I will keep drinking as long as he is in my life. He makes me feel so unloveable and that has been a HUGE factor behind my drinking. I constantly ask myself why he does things for his ex wife and never even wants me at his house to watch a movie. Maybe twice a month he will be interested in sex. In the beginning he would ask me “would you like to spend the night”? And then he stopped ever asking me that. But he won’t let me go. And he has a small house in the back of his house he is letting his niece move into. It’s hurt so much seeing his closeness with other women. I know he’s not actually close to them but a lot more so than with me. He acts so disinterested in my life. But he’s been financially so generous and says he likes helping me. I feel at this point that this money is a curse and keeping me from totally dumping him as I know I should. I can’t imagine not drinking as long as he keeps hurting me. Which he always will. He’s a broken man and has never lived with a woman beyond a year maybe (he’s 47), and from what’s he told me, he falls apart when they leave him.

I’ve gained 20 lbs in one year from alcohol because of him. He has gained far more, maybe 40-50 lbs since we met. He’s self destructing. I felt sorry for him until I found out he was vacationing with his ex and I just became enraged. I can’t stop feeling so hurt. I did see a therapist weekly since I met him and she told me he couldn’t be there for me as alcohol was his first love, then his son (and maybe ex wife, I don’t know), and that I was a very distant third. I found myself jealous of everyone. The bar buddies, the ex wife, the niece, literally everyone he gave more attention to than me. My friends see him and say what are you doing? You’re so much more attractive than him, you’re beautiful, he’s a mess, you can do so much better. I can’t seem to make myself stop feeling for him and feeling so hurt. I have two kids 11 and 14 and this is so unfair to them. They need a healthy mom. I’m so ashamed that I’m going to drink again today. I’ve been so distraught I canceled my work hours for today. Physically I really feel awful. I tell myself I’m just going to drink this week while he’s on his vacation, to get through it. Then I’m going to quit, start exercising, eating well and make him really regret losing me. Why when we relapse is it so much worse? I’ve really gone crazy. I haven’t gotten super drunk, more like remained in a highly buzzed state all my waking hours. Mornings included. I don’t want to feel anything but then my emotions are so messed up from the drinking that I feel so much worse. Ugh. Thanks for listening. I really want to quit but I don’t feel like I can. I was starting to like myself too, and now that I’m drinking again i don’t like myself at all.

Fearlessat50

Wow.! There is so much going on here. I can see how much pain you are in. I am sorry. It seems clear that you know what is best for you and that you need to lose this guy. It’s so hard though with two addictions intertwined - the guy and the alcohol, like a double whammy. I went through a similar situation years ago, except both of us were and are still married. It’s been over for a long time. The emotional aspect did not go away until I completely cut him out of my life, even when he kept trying to come back. It was not until a long period of distance from him that I was able to see everything more clearly, and not until after that I was able to get myself completely sober. You said you had seen a therapist about this. Are you still? If not, maybe you could go back? The symptoms of alcohol addiction and withdrawal do tend to get worse with ongoing use and relapses. Please keep coming back for support.

decchemist

Hello Truthseeker

I'm exhausted after just reading your post so I cant imagine what it must be like actually living it.

One thing you do know is alcohol will not fix a thing. All of those emotions will still be there to deal with when you run out of booze and start to sober up. Please do not drink and take care of yourself and your children.

eyes99

Hi home. I am so sorry that you’re going through this. I’m sure that it feels terrible. A couple of things jump out at me from your post:

1) He’s using you. He gives you money, then calls you when he wants to see you. Which doesn’t sound like it’s very often these days. He may not even know consciously how manipulative he’s being (or maybe he does). But he’s paying to keep you in his rotation.

2) I don’t know if he loves you. Maybe he does in his own way? But people who love someone don’t generally behave like this. And if this is his version of love, do you really want it?

3) He’s not the reason that you’re drinking. You’re drinking because you like to drink, or have become accustomed to drinking whenever you feel something bad. The relationship is not the problem, perhaps the drinking is keeping you in the relationship? We alcoholics tend to create situations in our lives that give us excuses to drink. Maybe engaging in this drama with him is giving you the perfect excuse?

I hope that this didn’t come off as harsh. When we get sober, we start seeing things more clearly and that usually leads to different choices. This guy here sounds like a bad choice.

rayna87

I can relate to this, to an extent. I had a "thing" with a man I met through work...was actually a client of ours. Huge no-no in my line of work. It never went beyond anything physical, but we both were/are in love with each other. He's even slipped up and said it a few times, then tried to cover it up, and his covers were so lame it was actually funny. We're both well aware that we are not meant to be together, and that all of the circumstances are totally against us. He was married, and has a young son, and is in the middle of a very nasty custody battle. Which he's pretty obsessed with. (And I've blatantly told him that before). He talks about his ex wife, about his son, about all of his legal drama....CONSTANTLY. Constantly, constantly, constantly. He puts it off as he's just a parent who cares about his son. I don't know if he's in denial, or just plain doesn't hear himself, but he does not seem to see that he's also obsessed with his ex wife. Way beyond the issues and drama with his son. He's WAY too concerned about her in things that have nothing to do with his son. As our physical relationship has died down over the past few months, I still have to talk to him (almost daily) for work, and I've found myself getting SO angry at him. I've said horribly nasty things to him that not only are totally inappropriate at work, but are also totally uncharacteristic of me. I've never spoken to someone like this before, and I've never been so mad at someone before, for absolutely no reason. Other than I was having to listen to the drama again for the millionth time. One day I finally realized, I was so mad at him because I knew he was never going to love me or devote this kind of attention to me, the way he does about his ex wife. The woman he claims he wouldn't p*** on if she were on fire, still takes up so much of his time and energy and attention, and I was jealous because I knew I was never going to get that from him. That's where my anger came from.

Realizing and understanding where this rage at him comes from has helped me a lot in dealing with him, both professionally and otherwise. He calls us "friends" all the time, but I don't consider him a friend. Mostly because it is 99.9% always about him, and I don't think he could even tell me the most basic thing going on in my life. And I'm moving on with time. I'm no longer at his beck and call, when he says jump I no longer say how hi. It's gotten a lot easier. I had some bad drinking nights because of him (but I also had some bad drinking nights because I got a paper cut - I didn't need a real reason). I know this isn't the exact same story, but I do understand how you feel and I can tell you it does get better. Like anything, it just takes time.

I would not use his vacation as an excuse to drink. It's just that - an excuse. Next week, there will just be something else to "get through" with drinking. Take some time for yourself away from this man, and it will get easier.

Anna

I'm sorry for your situation.

I hope that you can focus on not drinking. This would be the best thing you can do for yourself. I don't think you can make him really regret losing you. I hope you keep the motivation on helping yourself and being the best you can be.

Lonewolf22

Hi, don't worry too much about the setback, that is a part of life, so don't feel bad on yourself. You are not a failure, you have just hit a bump in the road.

It sounds like this guy has an attachment to you and that he is filled with panic when you show you are strong enough to walk away from him. When someone is insecure it feels good being in control of somebody especially an attractive woman. It gives someone a sense of power and worthiness. I suspect this is what this could be for him.
Look we all get ****** over in life by someone and they probably been ****** over by other people too. But there a billions of people in the world, that means there are and will always be countless opportunities for you to have meaningful relationships, now or in the future.

You are bound to be upset though, it is disorienting when you find out someone doesn't reciprocate the same feelings as you. It sucks. Yet what can you do?

entropy1964

Hi TS

I was concerned for your for sure. I could say a whole heck of a lot but that won't help.

So ya need to stop drinking. P1. For you. For your kids. Period. Go back to the ER if you need to. That's one thing I'm quite positive about.

You already know the answer with respect to the guy. Your addiction is manipulating the he!! out of you...keeping you 'stuck' with him so you can continue to justify your drinking. The hard truth I had to face? I choose to drink. I alone am responsible for my actions and my reactions. I teach people how to treat me. I allow people in my life.

Re-read your post as if one of your darling daughters were writing it to you....what would you tell her? What would a wise woman do?

DontRemember

I had to address my codependency issues along with MY alcohol issues when getting sober. Reads like you need to do the same. Just sayin'.

allishope73

Sweet jesus girl foght for life no man is worth that and i m saying from love addict x

DreamCatcher17

I am glad you are back, posting, not glad you are drinking.

While I can empathize with your situation, I also kind of want to be totally blunt with you at the same time as this has been the same cycle since you started posting and nothing has changed.

Nothing is going to change unless you change person, place, and things- when you are ready for that, that is when the real change happens. You have to want to be sober more than you want that evil drink....

Drinking AT someone is not going to change anything except keep you in a depressed state of mind. The vicious cycle of insanity.
You say you want to work out, eat healthily and stop drinking.. Why wait? The longer you wait the harder it is or the farther out that start date gets. I know, been there.... took 6 years of the insanity for me to finally decide I was ready and focus on me being the best me possible. If you are not ready, that is fine, I just hope when you are you haven't lost more of yourself.

Let go of this loser who is holding you back, as he is your main excuse to drink. Get a new phone number. Get rid of social media so you stop seeing what he is up to. YES it is going to hurt, for a while... But you will get over him and you will be able to love again, in a healthy relationship, you can only get that if you are sober.

If my baby daddy's current girlfriend reached out to me for information via phone, text, facebook (which i don't have), I would do the same, block that person. No drama allowed in my life. Once I got sober, the drama of my life vanished.. I am the one who created most of it mostly because I was hiding what was really going on with me, engulfing myself in others peoples lives, as if it mattered more than my own.

Seriously if you want to be better, pour out the booze, refocus your energy and get to being the amazing human you were created to be.

I have faith that if you want to be sober, you can and you will. I have faith that you can have an amazing life and be an amazing mother if you want it. No one can do any of this for you. Take the power of your life back, take the wheel and start moving!!!!!

FreeOwl

Nope.

You've gained 20 lbs in one year from alcohol because you're drinking so much alcohol.

It's not because of him.

It's because of YOU.

I feel for your emotional anguish.... the circumstances you're engaged in are certainly ripe for the experience of anxiety and despair and awfulness.

But your entire post could be made far shorter.

"I've not yet chosen to accept responsibility for my own happiness, health and sobriety, nor to act on it fully by taking steps that support it".


All the rest of that detail is just the noise and the chaos of the choice you HAVE made - to keep on drinking and keep on putting yourself in these circumstances.

Are you ready now to make a different choice?

Healthyandsober

Welcome back Truthseeker11,

I hope you stop sooner rather than later cause it will only get worst.

PhoenixJ

This man has problems
So do you
Booze will make any situation worse
Get sober, get help- AA, Al-Anon (for codependency stuff), see a counselor, write, walk, cook....
Who cares if you have put on weight, you are still you...you are still a mum.
Support to you.

wynwrights

Hullo, hullo! I’m sorry for your situation, but here’s the rub: just like you, I used to turn every little (or big) bump in the road into an excuse to drink at the expense of my family’s wellbeing and also my own. That’s the way of the problem drinker, I feel, and it was certainly MY way: drink caused drama because my whole self was soaked in drink, and then said drama and its associated discomfort in turn justified more and more drinking as a crutch, a reward, an escape, a comfort... call it what you will. On and on it went, while I got sicker and sicker, mentally, physically and emotionally.

But! There’s a brilliant way out of all this drama and illness and misery and that is not drinking. Be really honest with yourself and I’m sure you will see, just as so many have seen before you, that all the upset and the misery eventually become fantastically convenient reasons to keep on drinking. In the end I recognized that I was ultimately in charge of the alcohol, and that the alcohol wasn’t in charge of me, and that gave me the push I needed to stop drinking — so far with some success. If I can do it, so can you. Stop selling yourself short and stop drinking: you’re worth much more than the situation you currently find yourself in.

Ladysadie

Dearest Truthseeker, I'm sorry for all the pain you are going through but my question to you is, who is taking care of your children? Do you have shared custody and only drink without them around? They are in need of you being your best self, they need your love, attention, guidance and role modeling. Please tell me this man is not taking precedence over your mothering. NO MAN is worth sacrificing your children for. I hope you mourn through your pain quickly and become the awesome mother you need to be.

Dee74

I'm really sorry for your pain Truthseeker.

Its hard to leave a relationship, even a toxic one.

I think you deserve way better than that what you've been putting up with and what you're allowing yourself right now

you deserve the chance to leave addiction behind, find the real you again and then, in time, find someone else who appreciates the real you.

Like others have said drinking is not going to change anything - it won't bring someone back, it won't wish away the pain, and it won't get you to where you deserve to be

Put the bottle down and join us again.
D

Truthseeker11

Thank you all SO MUCH. I truly believe with all my heart this forum is a blessing from God and has helped so many people.
I appreciated and listened to you all deeply. Your wisdom is so valuable to me in this time of suffering. I’m drinking as I write this but I want tomorrow to be day 1. I NEED tomorrow to be day 1. Sometimes that pain within us just takes on monstrous proportions, and drinking only facilitates it’s power over us. I want him to hurt because I’m selfish like all alcoholics, but in the truth and light of sobriety, I see clearly how pitiful he is, and I don’t actually want to hurt him. However, I have to love myself more than I love him! And I think no context with him for a very long time will be beneficial to him as well. If will make him think about things if nothing else. I don’t want to be with him. I’m dealing with childhood wounds of abandonment and rejection more than anything. I’ve always tried to make men come around and heal that in me but I push them away, and it doesn’t matter because alcoholics can’t love properly, I dare say this is more true of men who are taught more to repress emotions. I certainly loved him and would have done anything for him but he wasn’t interested in anything healthy with me. I have begun to let go but the real key will be managing the no-contact while living in the same neighborhood.

I believe these hurtful episodes keep happening because this is not my destiny and someone up there, out there, something, whatever it is you believe, cares about us and pain is the way to show us we have gone WAY off track. This kind of pain. It’s unnecessary and self-inflicted. I texted him more today and I know that goes hand in hand with the drinking. He doesn’t like to not know about my life. But my empowerment should not come from making him suffer by blocking him. It should come from every day that I make it without a drink, every day that I am kind to myself and my body, every day that I practice gratitude instead of bitterness and resentment. And holy hell I’ve been the very embodiment of both of those. The things I’ve said to him. The poster that had a similar thing - we hurt so much and it comes out in the worst most shameful ways. Ive felt like I could punch this man and try to wake him up but I never would, and it wouldn’t accomplish anything. Thanks for helping me to realize I need to just quit this whole thing. There is nothing but zero contact in my case. If I had to see him at work or something, I would be a mess.

My kids and I live with my father and he is retired and home all the time. They are never alone. They are 14 and 11. The older one has had to mother me recently which breaks my heart. But she’s been so good at it, she’s very tough too. The younger one is more in the dark about my drinking and issues. They both told me how great I was looking and how proud they were of me during my 12 days of sobriety. I haven’t ever placed them in any danger with my drinking. I’ve done some dumb things in front of them though, like saying stupid things, some of which my daughter recorded and showed me. I hope if nothing else she sees the ugly side of alcohol and chooses not to drink. But that taste of it she’s had was enough. Time for a life overhaul for my little family. They deserve a happy and sober mom. This is going to be hard but I’m giving it another shot and I am so so grateful for all you guys here and how caring you are. That means the world to me. And no - no man is worth it! Not any I will find in a bar! That’s been the problem. When I have enough sobriety under my belt then maybe I’ll find a good man who isn’t an alcoholic. I won’t ever be with another one. It has been sheer hell.

PhoenixJ

If poss, tip out the booze....day 1 is when YOU decide to stop.
A good post. Support/prayers

DontRemember

uhmm..I've deleted/edited my post like 10+times.. What's your plan? no child should have to ever do that, at all though.