Can I please tell someone the truth? ... I need help!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 25
Can I please tell someone the truth? ... I need help!!
I have a lot to say ... That I have not been able to tell anyone else ... So please bare with me.
First: I am a 31 year-old mother of 3. I have been married for 10 years and have a 'seemingly' perfect life. I am the mom who volunteers for everything and tries to help everyone ... I have never been the person who actually needed to be helped. But now ... I do. I don't know how to admit it or tell anyone.
Just writing this is making me cry ...
Until 6 months ago ... I never drank ... literally never. But I would say that I have always suffered from depression and refused to seek any help.
One day ... for some reason ... I picked up a bottle of vodka ... And I haven't put it down since. I drink nearly 1 liter of 80+ proof vodka per day. 6 months and going ... I don't binge drink or only drink in the evening ... I drink vodka from the time I wake-up until I go to sleep. Trying to maintain that 'happy', 'tipsy' feeling I suppose.
At first ... It was fun ... I was more fun ... I swear, even my husband and family liked being around me more. I suddenly wasn't as uptight. We laughed, life seemed great ... Of course, no one knew what the difference was.
Fast forward to now ... It's not fun ... I hate it.
I'm no longer perky, happy or chatty. I don't like to drink anymore ... But not drinking is physically painful.
I can literally only sleep for a few hours at night before I wake-up with the shakes. I started smoking again.
True story: A few nights ago, I woke up after a few hours ... had the shakes ... decided to have a smoke and a drink so I could get some much needed rest. I was sitting on my porch, smoking a cigarette and sipping some vodka ... my stomach was still unsettled from being such an early hour and I literally projectile vomited ... at least 5 feet ... covered a cat and scared the crap out of my dog ... my dog literally backed away and stared at me in fear for 15 minutes.
I need help. Somehow ... with all of my issues, either no one has noticed or cared ... other than the dog.
I know I should get some help ... But I am the only income for my family of 5 ... my husband is a stay-at-home parent ... it just makes sense since I earn the higher income. My family cannot financially afford for me to miss any work.
I started trying to tapper my drinking today ... but mostly, I'm just shaky and miserable. I'm really starting to wonder if it is possible for tapering to work or if I will just be miserable and shaky forever.
Will your body actually adjust to the lesser amount?
Has anyone ever been successful with tapering?
First: I am a 31 year-old mother of 3. I have been married for 10 years and have a 'seemingly' perfect life. I am the mom who volunteers for everything and tries to help everyone ... I have never been the person who actually needed to be helped. But now ... I do. I don't know how to admit it or tell anyone.
Just writing this is making me cry ...
Until 6 months ago ... I never drank ... literally never. But I would say that I have always suffered from depression and refused to seek any help.
One day ... for some reason ... I picked up a bottle of vodka ... And I haven't put it down since. I drink nearly 1 liter of 80+ proof vodka per day. 6 months and going ... I don't binge drink or only drink in the evening ... I drink vodka from the time I wake-up until I go to sleep. Trying to maintain that 'happy', 'tipsy' feeling I suppose.
At first ... It was fun ... I was more fun ... I swear, even my husband and family liked being around me more. I suddenly wasn't as uptight. We laughed, life seemed great ... Of course, no one knew what the difference was.
Fast forward to now ... It's not fun ... I hate it.
I'm no longer perky, happy or chatty. I don't like to drink anymore ... But not drinking is physically painful.
I can literally only sleep for a few hours at night before I wake-up with the shakes. I started smoking again.
True story: A few nights ago, I woke up after a few hours ... had the shakes ... decided to have a smoke and a drink so I could get some much needed rest. I was sitting on my porch, smoking a cigarette and sipping some vodka ... my stomach was still unsettled from being such an early hour and I literally projectile vomited ... at least 5 feet ... covered a cat and scared the crap out of my dog ... my dog literally backed away and stared at me in fear for 15 minutes.
I need help. Somehow ... with all of my issues, either no one has noticed or cared ... other than the dog.
I know I should get some help ... But I am the only income for my family of 5 ... my husband is a stay-at-home parent ... it just makes sense since I earn the higher income. My family cannot financially afford for me to miss any work.
I started trying to tapper my drinking today ... but mostly, I'm just shaky and miserable. I'm really starting to wonder if it is possible for tapering to work or if I will just be miserable and shaky forever.
Will your body actually adjust to the lesser amount?
Has anyone ever been successful with tapering?
2/2016
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 582
I do not know anything about tapering. I do know that medical supervised detox is a great safe way to wean off the booze. Do you have a good family doctor.? If you do not, you could go to the ER. Just be honest and accept help. You do not have to do this alone.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I don't know if tapering will work for you at this point. You've likely crossed a line it sounds like.
You say that your family needs mom to be sober. I think you are going to have to tell your doctor. The detox is short and can probably be done at home with some meds for just a few days. If you can't tell your husband, at least get into the doctor this week. Your medical stuff is private, and you don't have to check in somewhere if you can manage it at home.
That whole "moderation" thing? Yeah, that doesn't work for us. Please talk to your doctor this week before something terrible happens.
My animals like me better when I'm not throwing up, too. ((Hug))
You say that your family needs mom to be sober. I think you are going to have to tell your doctor. The detox is short and can probably be done at home with some meds for just a few days. If you can't tell your husband, at least get into the doctor this week. Your medical stuff is private, and you don't have to check in somewhere if you can manage it at home.
That whole "moderation" thing? Yeah, that doesn't work for us. Please talk to your doctor this week before something terrible happens.
My animals like me better when I'm not throwing up, too. ((Hug))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: England
Posts: 645
Welcome iamme31
Sorry to hear that you've found yourself in a bad situation.
The body can and will adjust to giving drink up. I'm concerned about how much you've been drinking in such a short space of time and I suggest that if you want to quit you really must speak to your doctor.
We are here for emotional support, advice and encouragement 24/7
Sorry to hear that you've found yourself in a bad situation.
The body can and will adjust to giving drink up. I'm concerned about how much you've been drinking in such a short space of time and I suggest that if you want to quit you really must speak to your doctor.
We are here for emotional support, advice and encouragement 24/7
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,576
Welcome iamme - it's great to have you with us.
It was a huge relief to me when I found SR. I could finally be honest about my situation & what I'd been going through. No one else in my life could possibly understand the way my friends here did. I hope you'll find it helpful to talk things over with us.
Tapering isn't recommended - but I did it & it worked out for me - I had to quit or die. I decided to try it, only because I wasn't able to get to a doctor at that time. Supervised withdrawal is the only safe way.
I was drinking all day too - as you said, it's no longer fun or relaxing when we're dependent on it. I'm glad you are taking a look at what it's doing to your life. You can get free of it . I hope you'll keep reading and posting here. We are with you.
It was a huge relief to me when I found SR. I could finally be honest about my situation & what I'd been going through. No one else in my life could possibly understand the way my friends here did. I hope you'll find it helpful to talk things over with us.
Tapering isn't recommended - but I did it & it worked out for me - I had to quit or die. I decided to try it, only because I wasn't able to get to a doctor at that time. Supervised withdrawal is the only safe way.
I was drinking all day too - as you said, it's no longer fun or relaxing when we're dependent on it. I'm glad you are taking a look at what it's doing to your life. You can get free of it . I hope you'll keep reading and posting here. We are with you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
I agree with Bimini on the taper thing... for most of us, if we could taper off and then simply move on with our lives, we would have done it a long time ago. Even though you've been drinking a relatively short time, the amount you are drinking is very high. I was drinking a liter a day at the end, but then again, I was a daily drinker for almost 20 years at that point.
Detox from alcohol is more than a question of comfort. Alcohol is more dangerous to withdraw from than most "hard" drugs. Seek medical support, this is a big deal.
As to work, at the rate you're going, your career may soon be at risk. Consequently the "I can't - I have to work" is completely bogus logic. If you can't do this at home with medical support, you will need more time intensive support. If that's the case, it's not a question of if you don't work as a result of drinking, but when and at what cost. Do it now, and your job is safe. Do it later and there may be no job due to the fallout of ever greater consequences.
There is life after alcoholism - a very good life, in my experience. Good luck, you can do this (with a little help)!
Detox from alcohol is more than a question of comfort. Alcohol is more dangerous to withdraw from than most "hard" drugs. Seek medical support, this is a big deal.
As to work, at the rate you're going, your career may soon be at risk. Consequently the "I can't - I have to work" is completely bogus logic. If you can't do this at home with medical support, you will need more time intensive support. If that's the case, it's not a question of if you don't work as a result of drinking, but when and at what cost. Do it now, and your job is safe. Do it later and there may be no job due to the fallout of ever greater consequences.
There is life after alcoholism - a very good life, in my experience. Good luck, you can do this (with a little help)!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 25
Wow!
I really never would have believed that I could say something so bad and be treated so warmly.
I'm sure I am making plenty of excuses ... I can't do this today because of (insert lie to self).
It will sound pathetic ... But I am afraid ...
Afraid to tell anyone, afraid to admit it and afraid to ask for help .. Afraid I will fail ..
Honestly, if I thought I could go to the ER and not be admitted ... I would be there within the hour ... But I'm afraid.
I may try calling and inquiring about their standard procedure ...
I've never met anyone with my problems and not knowing what to expect ... It really is frightening for me.
But I guess I have you guys now
I'm sure I am making plenty of excuses ... I can't do this today because of (insert lie to self).
It will sound pathetic ... But I am afraid ...
Afraid to tell anyone, afraid to admit it and afraid to ask for help .. Afraid I will fail ..
Honestly, if I thought I could go to the ER and not be admitted ... I would be there within the hour ... But I'm afraid.
I may try calling and inquiring about their standard procedure ...
I've never met anyone with my problems and not knowing what to expect ... It really is frightening for me.
But I guess I have you guys now
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
Hi and welcome iamme31
SR helped me turn my life around, so I know we can help you do the same.
Tapering never worked for me - if I could control my intake I wouldn't need to taper, y'know?
I always recommend seeing a Dr - I can't say I know of any country that involuntarily admits patients into hospital, so personally I wouldn't worry about that - but I understand your fear.
If things get worse tho, I hope you'll consider getting some medical help?
D
SR helped me turn my life around, so I know we can help you do the same.
Tapering never worked for me - if I could control my intake I wouldn't need to taper, y'know?
I always recommend seeing a Dr - I can't say I know of any country that involuntarily admits patients into hospital, so personally I wouldn't worry about that - but I understand your fear.
If things get worse tho, I hope you'll consider getting some medical help?
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 25
wait ... Question ..
Wait ... My entire reason for not going to the doctor was out of fear of somehow being forced to detox at the hospital or some rehab ... Is that not a thing?
What typically happens when you ask for help ... Doctor or ER?
If thats not a thing ... I'm totally hoping in the shower and going ... If it is a thing ... I'm going to need a lot more courage ...
Oh my God ... You guys may actually be giving me the courage to do this ... My tapering fell apart a couple of hours ago ... I've felt I had a problem 10 times today ... Been in denial 20 ... But you are all actually giving me courage.
What typically happens when you ask for help ... Doctor or ER?
If thats not a thing ... I'm totally hoping in the shower and going ... If it is a thing ... I'm going to need a lot more courage ...
Oh my God ... You guys may actually be giving me the courage to do this ... My tapering fell apart a couple of hours ago ... I've felt I had a problem 10 times today ... Been in denial 20 ... But you are all actually giving me courage.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,517
Welcome, and we do understand how hard this is.
My story is similar in that I didn't drink at all until my mid-forties. I also had depression and anxiety and, in desperation to sleep one night, I started drinking. It continued for 3 years in which I almost lost my family. I certainly lost myself.
Have faith that you can do this. I don't recommend tapering because it's darn near impossible for alcoholics to moderate. If we could, we wouldn't be here, right! Talk to your dr because withdrawing from alcohol can be dangerous. Yes, there is a lot of shame and guilt involved, but you must get past that in order to begin to heal.
We are here for you.
My story is similar in that I didn't drink at all until my mid-forties. I also had depression and anxiety and, in desperation to sleep one night, I started drinking. It continued for 3 years in which I almost lost my family. I certainly lost myself.
Have faith that you can do this. I don't recommend tapering because it's darn near impossible for alcoholics to moderate. If we could, we wouldn't be here, right! Talk to your dr because withdrawing from alcohol can be dangerous. Yes, there is a lot of shame and guilt involved, but you must get past that in order to begin to heal.
We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 132
Hello iamme.
I'm starting (again) today. I promise that you are not alone in how you are feeling. I tried telling my wife once or twice but the response was "I don't want you to be stressed or upset. You should drink". Like you, I'm the volunteer who helps everyone, earns the money etc etc.
If it's any consolation, I'm actually impressed that you managed to vomit on a cat. Those things move like lightning (but I love them).
Go to a doctor. You won't be the first person they've spoken to about this issue.
Good luck.
I'm starting (again) today. I promise that you are not alone in how you are feeling. I tried telling my wife once or twice but the response was "I don't want you to be stressed or upset. You should drink". Like you, I'm the volunteer who helps everyone, earns the money etc etc.
If it's any consolation, I'm actually impressed that you managed to vomit on a cat. Those things move like lightning (but I love them).
Go to a doctor. You won't be the first person they've spoken to about this issue.
Good luck.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 25
That hits home ..
I tried to tell my husband about my drinking a couple of times .. But he didn't want me to stop .. I guess he just doesn't understand how bad it is ...
I can only imagine that conversation ... Hey honey, I know you don't think I have a problem ... But I puked on the cat, scared the dog, drink a liter a day ... And by the way ... That's not water in my aquafina bottle ... That's just for sipping when I feel the shakes and think the sky is too loud ... I'm totally writing that in a note on my phone ... I need help and I want help ... That is my brutal truth ... I haven't faced the truth in a while ... Time to stop caring what other people will think and fix myself ... Get rid of that pride ...
I can only imagine that conversation ... Hey honey, I know you don't think I have a problem ... But I puked on the cat, scared the dog, drink a liter a day ... And by the way ... That's not water in my aquafina bottle ... That's just for sipping when I feel the shakes and think the sky is too loud ... I'm totally writing that in a note on my phone ... I need help and I want help ... That is my brutal truth ... I haven't faced the truth in a while ... Time to stop caring what other people will think and fix myself ... Get rid of that pride ...
Originally Posted by Rubaduck 
Hello iamme.
I'm starting (again) today. I promise that you are not alone in how you are feeling. I tried telling my wife once or twice but the response was "I don't want you to be stressed or upset. You should drink". Like you, I'm the volunteer who helps everyone, earns the money etc etc.
If it's any consolation, I'm actually impressed that you managed to vomit on a cat. Those things move like lightning (but I love them).
Go to a doctor. You won't be the first person they've spoken to about this issue.
Good luck.
I'm starting (again) today. I promise that you are not alone in how you are feeling. I tried telling my wife once or twice but the response was "I don't want you to be stressed or upset. You should drink". Like you, I'm the volunteer who helps everyone, earns the money etc etc.
If it's any consolation, I'm actually impressed that you managed to vomit on a cat. Those things move like lightning (but I love them).
Go to a doctor. You won't be the first person they've spoken to about this issue.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
and think the sky is too loud
You're going to be okay.
I don't think in the US people can be locked away in hospital or institutionalized against their will unless they are a danger to themselves or someone else. Even in rehabs/detoxes people can leave at any time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 25
I live in West Virginia ... I'm going to make some phone calls ... And I am going to find some help. Or at least find out what to expect and try to build the courage from there. I am so happy I found this place!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 53
Hey iamme! Wow, your post spoke volumes to me. I am one who drinks from morning to night. Wake up, rinse and repeat. It's a scary thing. My body would run it's course, and I would wake up hating that I dug myself in a hole. It can get better though! Def goto the doctor. I'm in Maryland, and I was very fortunate. I went to the ER and I requested to do a at-home detox, and they let me. I can't speak for all ER's......but it is possible to stop this crazy merry-go-round that feels like it never is going to stop. If you can find the strength to get the first part done, it will get so much better! My favorite part is getting a full night sleep! I would wake up in the middle of the night, have to take a few swigs because I would be shaking so bad. Def not how I wanted to live my life, and you def deserve so much better! You're around great people here, and we are all supporting you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
You can always call AA, they have a local phone number. Sometimes if it's outside of business hours someone will have to call you back, but people in AA locally will know how to find help for you and will probably know the ins and outs of local detox etc. or even a doctor to call who will help you. You'd be surprised at the number of medical professionals in AA, and they truly want to help.
Doesn't cost anything to call them...or even hit up a meeting and get some phone numbers.
Doesn't cost anything to call them...or even hit up a meeting and get some phone numbers.
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