iamme31

I have a lot to say ... That I have not been able to tell anyone else ... So please bare with me.

First: I am a 31 year-old mother of 3. I have been married for 10 years and have a 'seemingly' perfect life. I am the mom who volunteers for everything and tries to help everyone ... I have never been the person who actually needed to be helped. But now ... I do. I don't know how to admit it or tell anyone.

Just writing this is making me cry ...

Until 6 months ago ... I never drank ... literally never. But I would say that I have always suffered from depression and refused to seek any help.

One day ... for some reason ... I picked up a bottle of vodka ... And I haven't put it down since. I drink nearly 1 liter of 80+ proof vodka per day. 6 months and going ... I don't binge drink or only drink in the evening ... I drink vodka from the time I wake-up until I go to sleep. Trying to maintain that 'happy', 'tipsy' feeling I suppose.

At first ... It was fun ... I was more fun ... I swear, even my husband and family liked being around me more. I suddenly wasn't as uptight. We laughed, life seemed great ... Of course, no one knew what the difference was.

Fast forward to now ... It's not fun ... I hate it.

I'm no longer perky, happy or chatty. I don't like to drink anymore ... But not drinking is physically painful.

I can literally only sleep for a few hours at night before I wake-up with the shakes. I started smoking again.

True story: A few nights ago, I woke up after a few hours ... had the shakes ... decided to have a smoke and a drink so I could get some much needed rest. I was sitting on my porch, smoking a cigarette and sipping some vodka ... my stomach was still unsettled from being such an early hour and I literally projectile vomited ... at least 5 feet ... covered a cat and scared the crap out of my dog ... my dog literally backed away and stared at me in fear for 15 minutes.

I need help. Somehow ... with all of my issues, either no one has noticed or cared ... other than the dog.

I know I should get some help ... But I am the only income for my family of 5 ... my husband is a stay-at-home parent ... it just makes sense since I earn the higher income. My family cannot financially afford for me to miss any work.

I started trying to tapper my drinking today ... but mostly, I'm just shaky and miserable. I'm really starting to wonder if it is possible for tapering to work or if I will just be miserable and shaky forever.

Will your body actually adjust to the lesser amount?

Has anyone ever been successful with tapering?