Corrae

Just found this site and am hopeful I can learn from you all. Thank you for accepting me!
I guess my story is like many of yours'...my husband drinks and it's becoming a huge problem for me.
I confronted him about it this AM...all I said was, "Honey, I need to talk to you about your drinking." And BAM! Just like that, instant fury. "Fine. I'll just stop," and that was all he'd say to me...he got up and walked off and has let me know by words (very few) and actions that he's absolutely furious with me.
I know and understand that this reaction is normal, and typical, and his way of punishing me/deflecting his self-anger onto someone else... But what I want to know is how do I get myself to the spot where I'm not a puddle of tears over this and my stomach isn't in knots?
Thanks in advance.

MsCooterBrown

If you scroll further down there is a section for Friends and Family of Alcholics..this is sound like his drinking is the problem...they maybe could help more?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/

FreeOwl

well.... first realize it's not your fault and nothing you can do or say is going to change or save him unless and until he's ready to change and save himself.

meantime - you're in your right to express your concerns, your fears, your truth and most of all - your BOUNDARIES.

You might consider getting to an Alanon meeting and picking up a Big Book to read up on.

But stick around here, and we will be here for you.

Spartanman

I was like your husband for quite some time ... until I got desperate enough in my own isolation and with the negative consequences mounting that I finally made the sustained effort at radical change. It took a long time for me to reach that point. I scrambled and scraped for years trying to protect my ability to drink, even though it hurt my relationship with my spouse, which is finally beginning to mend now that I am not drinking. I was seriously addicted.

I am sorry for what you are going through - it's not your fault, and it sucks. We alcoholics are resentful when confronted with our drinking, even when it is done in the gentle and concerned way it sounds like you presented it to your husband. When we reach the stage of addiction, there is a part of ourselves that will do anything to sustain the habit, and even the care of loved ones may be rebuffed if it threatens the addiction's ability to continue feeding itself.

I hope your husband can find the humility and courage to give it up, but for some of us that takes time and pain ... Perhaps he will get the message sooner rather than later; we can pray for that.

In the meantime, as others have suggested, it might help to get the perspective of those who visit the section for Family of Alcoholics. They have been where you are and may have useful insights.

Wishing you the best.

Forward12

Welcome to the forum. As you've found out, nothing sets off an alcoholic like confronting them on their drinking. Unfortunately there is really nothing you can do to get them to stop, they need to want to quit and take the steps to do so themselves.
There are support groups like alanon which I think would be worth checking out.

Corrae

Thank you all so much.... He is a high functioning alcoholic...as I've just learned by reading here.... He doesn't drink when he's working (shift work, sometimes graves, sometimes days)...but on his days off...he drinks. Last Friday was the last straw. I went out for a time, and when I came home, someone had stopped by, but he couldn't remember who, (remembered the next day), he gave away (?!) one of my chickens, etc.... It makes me feel absolutely sick inside. And I am NOT good with confrontations...so when he gets angry like this, and turns all the fault and blame to me.... I cave. Thank you for the moral support. I can see I'm going to need all I can get.

Anna

Hi Corrae,

I'm sorry for your situation. Have you considered checking out AlAnon in your area as a support for yourself? I know you will also find lots of support here.

SparkleKitty

Hi Corrae. Sorry for what brings you to SoberRecovery, but very glad you found us.

I just want to say, "high-functioning" is not a type of alcoholism, but rather a stage. Left unattended, addiction progresses over time. You are wise to address this issue before the consequences get even worse.

MicroMacro

You didn't get to finish what you were saying. Your husband blew up at you and stormed off.

"Honey, I need to talk to you about your drinking." His reaction to that wasn't necessary for you to know there's a problem. However, his problem with alcohol is creating a new problem - an inability (or outright refusal) to communicate. If you could have had a discussion with him, you would have left it with an understanding that something was going to change (or not) about it. But you'd at least have had something to go on. As it stands right now - you've got nada.

Have you considered an intervention?

That looks drastic and extreme and it is. But the point of an intervention is to communicate the need for a person to address their issue. If you can't get there with your husband alone because he ends the conversation at the fist sentence he utters, nothing is going to change. You're just going to resent one another.

He'll resent you for suggesting he address something he has a close relationship with (it's interpreted by him as a threat because alcohol is important to him - that's why he gets angry) and you'll resent him for not getting help from him in terms of a solution (change in behavior).

The best way out is through ...

Ask for help.

Corrae

Whew. Already a lot of good advice/responses.... I'm at work now, and he's at home sleeping (just got off graves)....and I know I need to revisit this with him when I get home.
First--I didn't know that high functioning is a stage, though in retrospect I believe his drinking has gotten worse over the last year or so. He conceals it incredibly well. This is frightening to me...b/c quite frankly I will not live the rest of my life with.....a drunk. Saying that is ugly. It makes my insides crawl with anxiety. He and I have had this discussion before--though not with the result I got today.... Usually he agrees with me, and stops drinking (or hides it better) for a while. Intellectually I understand addiction....emotionally I'm having a hard time. I just want him to STOP....and am having a hard time owning the fact that maybe.....maybe he CAN'T.
Secondly, regarding an intervention....whew, you are so right....it does sound extreme. I am SO not good at this.... What I AM good at is burying my feelings and anxiety about his drinking and hoping it will get better. How's that working for me, huh? Not so well. I don't want to admit that WE have a problem....and I want to make it go away...but I can't do that on my own. His brother lives nearby...and I can speak with him. Maybe you are right... To sit down with family and see if that helps.

You all have no idea how much your words, care and concern are affecting me right now. Thank you.