johnno1

Of not wanting to put up with a heavy drinker.
I've turned into a snoop watching and seeing how much he drinks, going to meetings, not sleeping with him, and analysing our relationship, declaring I have no real love connection with him while he continues like nothing is wrong.
Again maybe just maybe it would be easier to have my head in the sand ..... at least we had great times then.

He travelled away to his newly single friends last nite obviously a lot of alcohol consumed, he said he'd see us in the morn which is cool but he never came home, I called him in arvo and his mate answered saying he's sleeping and think he's got a bug so it's prob best he won't come back home tonight and he'll get him to call me back, which he hasn't. He always calls
I've had fun with kids trying to stop my anxiety of him sleeping with someone etc etc thinking the worse. He never has and I guess I'll never know if he did but I guess I don't sleep with him now so why not?
I just feel quite sad about it all needed to vent
Thanks to you all xxxx

maybear

Hi johnno, big hugs!
Was it really ok in the past though? You wouldn't have arrived at meetings or even here in this forum if things were going well or even bearable. There is only so long we can bury our head in the sand before our true feelings and our truth catches up with us.
That's upsetting he hasn't contacted you. My guess is he might have partied extra hard (if that's possible for an alcoholic) and today has just been a write off for him. Not cool that he hasn't called you and let you know what's going on though.
I think you have handled the situation really well,
keeping on going about your day and coming here to vent.

knowthetriggers

Tonight hugs hon. I know this bites.

I can only suggest to continue to move forward and focus on your recovery and the kids.

Tight hugs!!

healthyagain

Awarenes is painful. A few months ago, I think I was crying every single day. A lot what you say was in my head. But how you feel right now might be just a phase. Mourning the good old days? Then in my case things got so much worse as I stopped cooking (have not slept with him in the bed for certainly over a year, and all my clothes is out of the bedroom closet and drawers). He started going down rapidly, really unimaginable speed. Does he still drink? YES! He is so on defensive when it comes to alcohol that he would gladly throw me to aligators if he had to for booze.

Detachment shows you a lot of nasty things, because you are not blind anymore, but eventually you will start seeing the way out.

Many hugs to you

CarmenLove

Hi Johnno,

I have sometimes thought 'Hmmm it would be so much easier to be in denial'. I have looked at those others who know him and are in denial, and thought how much easier it is for them, living in their bubble.

I have thought "I want in to that bubble".

Like you I remembered that we used to have fun.

Then I also remember just how uncomfortable it really was for me in that bubble. When my soul is screaming that something is up however we are 'making happy'. I remember how depressed I got and how it was a half life.

I am a truth seeker.

For me blinkers off is the only way.

And the way I see it that blanket of denial is only comforting for a VERY short time. Then it becomes suffocating, like a prison. It becomes so painful when you are arguing with reality.

And exhausting.

The only way I choose to live is with the blinkers off.

I am sorry for what is currently happening and the pain it's causing.

For me I hold on to as the light begins to come back into my life, when I start enjoying myself again (which I am) it's REAL!

Hugs.

johnno1

Every post back to me has been an extreme help, words of wisdom from you amazing people who have been through so much hurt yourself, thanks so much it's means so much to me especially living half of a life, I knew it wasn't real, yes my blinkers are off and it's hard. Thanks again bless u all x

PHIZ007

I believe it is all part of the process of moving forward.

Some days are easier than others and yep it sucks!

I often get sucked back in when perhaps we have had a nice family weekend.....we do still have nice times BUT the reality is my AH drinks every single night 365 nights a year. He can be a rude nasty verbally aggressive drunk at times too and that's not ok.....

All the best to you.

Sometimes I think to move forward we have to feel the feelings..really feel them and own them and work through them and it hurts to really see the reality.

I know for me some days are easier than others and sometimes it's almost impossible.

Take care of yourself. phiz

gleefan

Johnno - I can relate to how you're feeling! When I started to pay attention to what I had been ignoring in my heart - I hurt! When I started to pull away from AH as a result of that pain I'd been feeling in my heart - I hurt!

I longed for the good times, but I knew there was no going back. During the "good times", we were both blotto drunk together. During the good times, when I passed out from being blotto drunk, he withheld kindness from me, which I had to beg for back by being at his sexual beck and call. During the good times, I was hungover all the time, miserable, and unable to do things I liked and needed to do.

I cried a lot when I peeled away the top layers of our enmeshment. It isn't easy, but emotional sobriety - like sobriety from drinking - is good.

I'm still married to AH. I'm still working through my resentments and my boundaries. But I have so much more gratitude and acceptance in my life. I'm so much happier, joyful, and free than I was a year ago. I find that the more I keep myself pointed towards peace and serenity, the less important his actions are, and the stronger I am.

honeypig

johnno, you are awake now. It seems like it would be easier to go back to sleep and pretend, but like another member said, there must have been some nightmares in that sleep or you wouldn't have come looking for help in the first place.

Change is always difficult. New things are not comfortable. Someone here has a signature line that says something like "the easy way and the right way are not always the same."

They say in Alanon "this too shall pass." You are experiencing a temporary discomfort in return for a long-term gain. If you doubt that, read this thread: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s-stories.html

This thread is also an all-time favorite of mine. I hope you find it useful too: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html

Wishing you strength and clarity.

Duckygirl1

I dream d of the blissful ignorance too. But isn't that what they do? Checkout into Wonderland? It doesn't do either party any good.

These are labor pains. Excruciating, but once started, there's no going back. In the end you will have given birth to a new life, new loves, new you. It will be worth it and someday you will look back on the insanity with a shake of the head rather than tears. (((Hugs)))

hopeful4

There is no doubt that realization is a hard thing to grasp. Only you can decide how long you want to put up with his behavior.

XXX

AnvilheadII

at least we had great times then

did we?

Liveitwell

I know how you feel-truly. My ex and I had great times too-plenty. When my head was in the sand and I was in denial about me and my drinking, life was good-or so I thought. I was terrified to the core to whisper the words "my husband is an alcoholic" and even more terrified to say "I'm depressed, angry, and feel like I'm going insane and I need help". I reached my bottom and pulled myself out-for me and most importantly, our kids-praying each day to break the generational sin of alcoholism for them. My head is no longer in the sand-and it's very freeing. Peace to you.

johnno1

Thanks all
All I feel is deep deep sadness as he has come back saying he will never ever stop drinking and if I just let him do what he wants to do I can and could have everything, he says he hates me always talking about problems and I'm counsellor obsessed, he says I'm controlling and he hates me telling him what to do with his drinking, he wants to do what ever he wants.
So I've said I won't live with a heavy drinker so then he said it he said best we split up then, all good then we talked nicely about kids etc
I've wanted this for so long so why the heck I'm I so so gutted and heartbroken?

After our lil talk I realized he'd been drinking Jim beam. Great. Bless u all xxxxxxx

maybear

I'm so sorry johnno.
Sounds like he is making it crystal clear that he will never change. Your energy is so wasted on him. His actions and words are aligned and he has I guess, at least been honest about the fact that he won't stop. And that he has no intention of working on the marriage.
His loss.
He is probably betting on you to cave in and just settle for the way things are so he can keep doing what he wants.
Don't settle, you deserve so much more.
I'm so glad you stood your ground.

honeypig

Even though you know it's time to move on, even though you've seen the truth and know what you have to do, you still need to mourn the death of your dreams and hopes. It's hard, and it's talked about in a lot of threads here.

I've got a couple of links that might be helpful for you:

http://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/pd...ner-112011.pdf
http://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/pd...ner-112011.pdf

And remember, it's going to take a while to be over it. You have many ties that will need to be severed, many habits that will need to change, and a whole ton of healing and growing to do. It will take time, and as a wise member said here once, "time takes time." There is no way to rush it, as much as we want to. But know that you WILL get there, as long as you keep putting one foot before the other...

Wishing you strength and clarity.

johnno1

Thanks to u all.
He's not drinking tonight so we finally talked, I said I'm not going to change, and your not going to change so he said guess it's over

So yea it's over I'm feeling OK about I think, so many thoughts in my head, but it's def over.
Thanks for so much support.

Ducky I really like the idea of labour pains , I'm def having the pains looking forward to the future.

dandylion

johnno.....even though you probably don't think so (right now)......his response makes it easier to do what you have to do.
If he had been full of "sorrys" and promises to "do better" and begging you "not to leave",,,,,,you probable would be here agonizing over what to do and feeling torn apart by the inner conflict.

As it is....sure--you will go through the short-term pain---much like honeypig describes..... This goes along with ending any relationship---whether it be through argument or death...whether it be a good one or a toxic one.
BUT ONE DOES HEAL. The pain slowly fades away.
Staying in a toxic relationship---the pain just gets worse....and, it doesn't end.

I like to call this "short-term pain for long-term gain".

You can do it---just like millions of others......

dandylion

johnno1

Awww thanks dandelion that means a lot I have my family telling me the exact thing I'm so so glad I have them and this site . I never got when people on here wrote the SR family. Now I totally do!

He has kind of made me feel it's my fault as he's in such denial he truly thinks he has no problem and it's me choosing to leave bc I don't really love him and he dosent really like coming home to me. I guess drinking alcohol is just so very normal to him .

I would like a fast forward button tbh, all the money, housing, etc etc organization is my hardest thought at the moment.

Bless you dandelion I've appreciated all your support

dandylion

johnno....you certainly are welcome!!
Most all of us have been through the same kind of fears as you are facing....lol!

Facing the practical details and realities that you mention can be very daunting to most of us. I know that they were for me.
What I always find out is that the "anticipation" of the agony is worse than the actuality of it!!
Even though it sounds so corny----baby steps is how we get through these obstacles. How does a jug fill with water?----one drop at a time.
Where to start? ANYWHERE is a good place!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The more help and support from others that you accumulate around you---the more confidence you will have. We all need support and help at various times in our life.

Please keep posting as you are going through this.....it helps.....

dandylion

This is what I suggest---First, make a list of your biggest fears....and then, make a list of the tiniest baby steps to approach each fearful area.