Struggling please help
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
Struggling please help
Hi guys I've made so much progress it's unbelievable now I have some respite to reflect on the last few years.. I feel ashamed of who I am I feel pathetic and judged by everyone for being a single parent who once got caught up in the wrong crowd and married an addict and then recreationally used to deal with my pain.. I've raised my son on my own and am saddened to think what people thought through out the entire process I was in.. I wonder if people thought I was a junkie just like I think the a is an a.. It hurts to think about all of the choices I made... I feel so pathetic ... So angry and so hurt. I'm just praying that everyone is just too busy to think of me and my life and how dysfunctional it was.. I'm getting healthier now, boundaries are in place.. And I'm healing but it hurts. I feel like a loser and a pathetic excuse for a mother ..
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Killer, what other people think doesn't matter. Seriously, it doesn't. Some people DO judge based on past behavior. With continued recovery those negative impressions usually fade away.
You're on the right path now, so hold your head up high. It takes a lot of courage and strength to extricate yourself from bad patterns of behavior and the results of poor choices, as well as external circumstances that affected you. Focus on that. Remember, some people never step away or try to change at all. You're working on making your life better--and that is something to feel GREAT about. The rest will take care of itself in time--trust me.
You're on the right path now, so hold your head up high. It takes a lot of courage and strength to extricate yourself from bad patterns of behavior and the results of poor choices, as well as external circumstances that affected you. Focus on that. Remember, some people never step away or try to change at all. You're working on making your life better--and that is something to feel GREAT about. The rest will take care of itself in time--trust me.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Why do you feel that way about yourself? I am going to share something with you. Most people are too busy with their own lives to care about passing judgment on yours. Honestly. And those who do are doing it so they don't have to look at their own shortcomings.
There are millions of women out there who had a child with a jerk. Jeez my own baby sister picked one of the biggest losers to ever breathe oxygen to have a child with. Know what? I don't care. He is gone and she has the most amazing son because of it.
Killer you have got to stop with the obsessing and judging. You have got to learn to love yourself and forgive yourself. If you don't your son is going to grow up with the same problems you have.
There are millions of women out there who had a child with a jerk. Jeez my own baby sister picked one of the biggest losers to ever breathe oxygen to have a child with. Know what? I don't care. He is gone and she has the most amazing son because of it.
Killer you have got to stop with the obsessing and judging. You have got to learn to love yourself and forgive yourself. If you don't your son is going to grow up with the same problems you have.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 314
I've come to realise that-
A. People really don't care that much about the lives of others. If they judge you, it will be for a moment and then they get on with their own stuff. They don't zoom in and focus on you or spend long periods judging.
If they judge you, that says more about them than you. And when you go through a life crisis like divorce, you come to realise who your friends are.
B. You are going through tough times now, you are worried about others judging you, but at some point in their lives they will also go through difficult times. It's the way life is for everyone.
Honestly, I know it's hard. I hate telling people what's happening for me, but at the end of the day no one knows the specifics of your situation. And they don't care that much unless they are close to you, in which case they wouldn't judge. The people that do judge, often don't really matter.
Focus on your son, he doesn't need you hating yourself or beating yourself up. He needs you to be present. He doesn't want you to be perfect, just to love him and protect him.
Hugs
A. People really don't care that much about the lives of others. If they judge you, it will be for a moment and then they get on with their own stuff. They don't zoom in and focus on you or spend long periods judging.
If they judge you, that says more about them than you. And when you go through a life crisis like divorce, you come to realise who your friends are.
B. You are going through tough times now, you are worried about others judging you, but at some point in their lives they will also go through difficult times. It's the way life is for everyone.
Honestly, I know it's hard. I hate telling people what's happening for me, but at the end of the day no one knows the specifics of your situation. And they don't care that much unless they are close to you, in which case they wouldn't judge. The people that do judge, often don't really matter.
Focus on your son, he doesn't need you hating yourself or beating yourself up. He needs you to be present. He doesn't want you to be perfect, just to love him and protect him.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Oh Killer I am so sorry you feel this way....but I also think its good in a way to reach the point of anger toward yourself for actions you took. That's in the past and its very clear you are moving forward.
I echo Maybear, the truth is people simply don't think that much about us. You will have the "gossips" but gossip sprouts and dies pretty quickly because there is always another story. That you left that situation says you aren't like that - junkies, users and abusers stay with like minded individuals they don't leave them.
I don't know how it is over there but here a single mother is so common no one would think anything at all about it. You have worked so hard to get through this, and provide your child with a stable loving home. The only thing anyone should thing about you is what an admirable, strong woman you are.
I echo Maybear, the truth is people simply don't think that much about us. You will have the "gossips" but gossip sprouts and dies pretty quickly because there is always another story. That you left that situation says you aren't like that - junkies, users and abusers stay with like minded individuals they don't leave them.
I don't know how it is over there but here a single mother is so common no one would think anything at all about it. You have worked so hard to get through this, and provide your child with a stable loving home. The only thing anyone should thing about you is what an admirable, strong woman you are.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Hi Killer - I have been where you are now, many times over.
Really, don't be so hard on yourself. What people think about you is not important right now.
Suggestion - continue to make progress, surround yourself with TRUE friends and family who will support you.
Like that country song says "You find out who your friends are", especially in times like these.
Don't let these other folks bring you down, they are not walking in your shoes!
Tight Hugs for you!!
Really, don't be so hard on yourself. What people think about you is not important right now.
Suggestion - continue to make progress, surround yourself with TRUE friends and family who will support you.
Like that country song says "You find out who your friends are", especially in times like these.
Don't let these other folks bring you down, they are not walking in your shoes!
Tight Hugs for you!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 187
It does not matter what people think of you first of all. You need to hold your head up high, and take pride in the fact that you are working toward a better life for you, and your child. Have you ever heard the saying, "you wouldn't worry so much about what people think of you if you realized how little they actually did." I think you are probably just being paranoid, and if people are judging you then they probably are focusing on your mistakes to forget about their own.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
((((Hugs))))
No one that loves you and has your best interest at heart thinks anything bad about you. The rest aren't worth poodle poop. You owe those people nothing. Your ESH is a light to the world. And if you did owe those poodle poop piles anything, just through sharing, you have paid it off and forward 1000x over!
I used to feel like you do a lot. I could take myself apart with surgical precision. Then one day I was training a new line cook and he kept making mistakes and asking the same question a thousand times. I love being an instructor and have been told that I seem to have limitless patience. I kept saying to this kid " it's ok, you'll get it", "no one is perfect", yes,(for the 50th time in 5 min) chili flakes, not cayenne. All of this said as calmly as if I were speaking to my own son.
Something in my head said, why can't you be this nice to yourself? It just clicked. I started cutting myself the same slack I cut everyone else. I got patient with myself, stopped beating myself up for mistakes past and present. I got used to the idea that I will screw up in the future and that didn't make me a waste of space.
I once hear an old curmudgeon rock star say "when I die, bury me face down so the world can kiss my ass goodbye" I rather like that and very much feel that way somedays now.
No one that loves you and has your best interest at heart thinks anything bad about you. The rest aren't worth poodle poop. You owe those people nothing. Your ESH is a light to the world. And if you did owe those poodle poop piles anything, just through sharing, you have paid it off and forward 1000x over!
I used to feel like you do a lot. I could take myself apart with surgical precision. Then one day I was training a new line cook and he kept making mistakes and asking the same question a thousand times. I love being an instructor and have been told that I seem to have limitless patience. I kept saying to this kid " it's ok, you'll get it", "no one is perfect", yes,(for the 50th time in 5 min) chili flakes, not cayenne. All of this said as calmly as if I were speaking to my own son.
Something in my head said, why can't you be this nice to yourself? It just clicked. I started cutting myself the same slack I cut everyone else. I got patient with myself, stopped beating myself up for mistakes past and present. I got used to the idea that I will screw up in the future and that didn't make me a waste of space.
I once hear an old curmudgeon rock star say "when I die, bury me face down so the world can kiss my ass goodbye" I rather like that and very much feel that way somedays now.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Killer
I have spent so many nights lying awake thinking of all the times I effed up. I hated myself for it. I couldn't sleep because I kept going over and over everything.
My T told me something the other day. She said we all do the best we can in the situation that we are in. You did the BEST you could.
You think you're the only mom who had used recreationally? No....HELL no, in fact. Does that make it ok? No, but you recognized it and made changes. That's the first step! You did what needed to be done.
Can't change what people think about you killer. People will always be judgmental and people will NEVER know what it's like to be you. You just have to learn to forgive yourself. Forgiving myself was one of the toughest things I've ever done, but I'm doing it. Slowly but surely.
Love ya girlie. This too, shall pass.
Hugs!!
I have spent so many nights lying awake thinking of all the times I effed up. I hated myself for it. I couldn't sleep because I kept going over and over everything.
My T told me something the other day. She said we all do the best we can in the situation that we are in. You did the BEST you could.
You think you're the only mom who had used recreationally? No....HELL no, in fact. Does that make it ok? No, but you recognized it and made changes. That's the first step! You did what needed to be done.
Can't change what people think about you killer. People will always be judgmental and people will NEVER know what it's like to be you. You just have to learn to forgive yourself. Forgiving myself was one of the toughest things I've ever done, but I'm doing it. Slowly but surely.
Love ya girlie. This too, shall pass.
Hugs!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Before I entered recovery from codependence I made a lot of horrible choices and hurt people who didn't deserve to be collateral damage to my dysfunction.
A HUGE part of my recovery was acknowledging and taking responsibility for those choices, atoning where and when appropriate, and then letting go and moving on. Forgiving ourselves is often a lot harder than forgiving others, but trying to change our past is impossible. I'll choose the former every time.
A HUGE part of my recovery was acknowledging and taking responsibility for those choices, atoning where and when appropriate, and then letting go and moving on. Forgiving ourselves is often a lot harder than forgiving others, but trying to change our past is impossible. I'll choose the former every time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
I think we've all felt the way you're feeling to some degree. I have often felt ashamed of the crap I put up with from RAH, and wondered what other's opinions of me were.
The way I see it, it's none of my business what someone else thinks of me!
What really matters is what you think of yourself.
The way I see it, it's none of my business what someone else thinks of me!
What really matters is what you think of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Hey, Killer, a couple of thoughts come to me.
I've been out of my desperate marriage to an abusive rageful man now for almost 3 years, and have had a lot of time to look back on what I did as part of that dysfunction. And a lot of time to begin and continue to course correct my own behavior, too.
When I was living in trauma and dysfunction, it was not at all clear to me what was me, what was him, what was the situation. It was all entangled, and I didn't have any clear sense of "me" as an entity, a separate being. I was just part of the whirlwind of destruction and devastation that swirled me around.
After I left, I first thought it was all his fault. Then, when I got emotionally stabilized more, I began to realize that it was a tango that we had danced, not a solo, and I was part of the dysfunction, too.
When I read your post today, it brings back to me some of the wild swings of perception I had when I looked back at my own behavior and regretted my choices and my failings. There were times when I felt bereft that I had screwed up so badly and ruined so many things. Then I would swing into a different emotional place and feel glad that I had finally come to my senses and left, and proud of my new choices.
Over time, that has evened out for me. I still regret my bad choices, but I see them as choices that I made at the time, not ugly tattoos on my forehead that will forever blast forth my errors to everyone I meet.
With each new and better choice, there is a new light emanating from you, a new message, a new happier and healthier energy radiating from you.
That is where you live you. That is what people see.
Keep the faith, you've grown, and you're growing, and the world will see it as will your children.
Perhaps the most compelling lesson of all is that your children have a model in you of how to live in devastation, summon your inner strength and move beyond that into health.
ShootingStar1
I've been out of my desperate marriage to an abusive rageful man now for almost 3 years, and have had a lot of time to look back on what I did as part of that dysfunction. And a lot of time to begin and continue to course correct my own behavior, too.
When I was living in trauma and dysfunction, it was not at all clear to me what was me, what was him, what was the situation. It was all entangled, and I didn't have any clear sense of "me" as an entity, a separate being. I was just part of the whirlwind of destruction and devastation that swirled me around.
After I left, I first thought it was all his fault. Then, when I got emotionally stabilized more, I began to realize that it was a tango that we had danced, not a solo, and I was part of the dysfunction, too.
When I read your post today, it brings back to me some of the wild swings of perception I had when I looked back at my own behavior and regretted my choices and my failings. There were times when I felt bereft that I had screwed up so badly and ruined so many things. Then I would swing into a different emotional place and feel glad that I had finally come to my senses and left, and proud of my new choices.
Over time, that has evened out for me. I still regret my bad choices, but I see them as choices that I made at the time, not ugly tattoos on my forehead that will forever blast forth my errors to everyone I meet.
With each new and better choice, there is a new light emanating from you, a new message, a new happier and healthier energy radiating from you.
That is where you live you. That is what people see.
Keep the faith, you've grown, and you're growing, and the world will see it as will your children.
Perhaps the most compelling lesson of all is that your children have a model in you of how to live in devastation, summon your inner strength and move beyond that into health.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
(((HUGS)))) Killer
I second all the words of wisdom you've received already. But it's hard! I struggle with the same things.
My xabf (who is deceased now, so I don't want to be too negative) really had very few redeeming qualities that I can think of now. But I stayed with him for TOO long. And I know everyone in my life wondered WTF is she doing with him and why won't she leave? And I wonder that now too.
And my current AH... he has many redeeming qualities, and is the father of my children, but still, he has treated me like garbage on many occasions, and I am still with him.
And again, I know my family and friends wonder, what is Kboys' deal, why does she put up with this BS?
But you know, we all make the best decisions we can at the time, and we do what is right for us at the time, and we learn as we go...
"I'm just praying that everyone is just too busy to think of me and my life and how dysfunctional it was"
This is so true!!! They are all busy dealing with their own lives, and EVERYONE deals with their own BS, no matter how picture perfect their lives might seem. The more time passes, and you continue on the positive path you are on, that is what they will see about you.
They will see the strong, healthy mother that you are becoming, and they will forget about all that other stuff (not that it matters what they think anyway).
I second all the words of wisdom you've received already. But it's hard! I struggle with the same things.
My xabf (who is deceased now, so I don't want to be too negative) really had very few redeeming qualities that I can think of now. But I stayed with him for TOO long. And I know everyone in my life wondered WTF is she doing with him and why won't she leave? And I wonder that now too.
And my current AH... he has many redeeming qualities, and is the father of my children, but still, he has treated me like garbage on many occasions, and I am still with him.
And again, I know my family and friends wonder, what is Kboys' deal, why does she put up with this BS?
But you know, we all make the best decisions we can at the time, and we do what is right for us at the time, and we learn as we go...
"I'm just praying that everyone is just too busy to think of me and my life and how dysfunctional it was"
This is so true!!! They are all busy dealing with their own lives, and EVERYONE deals with their own BS, no matter how picture perfect their lives might seem. The more time passes, and you continue on the positive path you are on, that is what they will see about you.
They will see the strong, healthy mother that you are becoming, and they will forget about all that other stuff (not that it matters what they think anyway).
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Sweetie, I do not know one person in my life, including myself, that has not made some bad decisions. It's called being human.
Last I checked, you cannot change the past. HOWEVER, you can and you are changing your future. Turn that negative energy into all the positive things you are doing to change your life.
Hugs to you.
Last I checked, you cannot change the past. HOWEVER, you can and you are changing your future. Turn that negative energy into all the positive things you are doing to change your life.
Hugs to you.
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