Tomorrow I see a Divorce Attorney....Never thought I'd be saying that at 38 years old
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
Tomorrow I see a Divorce Attorney....Never thought I'd be saying that at 38 years old
I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow and I am prepared to retain the lawyer if all goes “well” (whatever that means).
I feel like I can’t even articulate anymore. I used to be so different. I have been wanting to write and post the last few days but I just can find the words anymore. I read other posts and feel like I feel that way too but I can’t get out what I am thinking.
I’m on auto-pilot. Saving my tears for another day. Not now. I have too much to do and 2 little ones counting on me. I have a house to sell and a life to rebuild. I’m scared.
I am very anxious about what is going to be suggested of me tomorrow or what will happen next (I live in PA). What will we talk about?
I’m afraid to tell him I went to see a lawyer, afraid to say I didn’t and be caught lying. I just don’t know.
I don’t want to go overboard on the whole “being fair” thing but I also don’t want to jip myself either. I don’t want much from him, but he needs to provide something every month even if just a few hundred dollars. It’s not my problem he settled for alcohol instead of enhancing his life and his career over the last 7 years. He has nothing. Nothing. He alienated his parents (who would take him back but I don’t know if he would swallow his pride) – his extended family (has reasons for every one of them) his friends (they bailed on him too) – He has literally nowhere to go (unless he hangs his head in shame and goes back to his parents). And not a dime saved.
Me – I have a wonderful family and a wonderful support system that I have strengthened over the years with different activities that my 5 year old has been in (church, soccer, dance) while he stayed home and drank/slept promsing to complete said projects and completing nothing but a 12 pack or more.
Yet I still feel guilty. Like I am the only person he has and I am walking out on him. I am the only person he has and I am walking out on him.
Is this “normal” ???
I feel like I can’t even articulate anymore. I used to be so different. I have been wanting to write and post the last few days but I just can find the words anymore. I read other posts and feel like I feel that way too but I can’t get out what I am thinking.
I’m on auto-pilot. Saving my tears for another day. Not now. I have too much to do and 2 little ones counting on me. I have a house to sell and a life to rebuild. I’m scared.
I am very anxious about what is going to be suggested of me tomorrow or what will happen next (I live in PA). What will we talk about?
I’m afraid to tell him I went to see a lawyer, afraid to say I didn’t and be caught lying. I just don’t know.
I don’t want to go overboard on the whole “being fair” thing but I also don’t want to jip myself either. I don’t want much from him, but he needs to provide something every month even if just a few hundred dollars. It’s not my problem he settled for alcohol instead of enhancing his life and his career over the last 7 years. He has nothing. Nothing. He alienated his parents (who would take him back but I don’t know if he would swallow his pride) – his extended family (has reasons for every one of them) his friends (they bailed on him too) – He has literally nowhere to go (unless he hangs his head in shame and goes back to his parents). And not a dime saved.
Me – I have a wonderful family and a wonderful support system that I have strengthened over the years with different activities that my 5 year old has been in (church, soccer, dance) while he stayed home and drank/slept promsing to complete said projects and completing nothing but a 12 pack or more.
Yet I still feel guilty. Like I am the only person he has and I am walking out on him. I am the only person he has and I am walking out on him.
Is this “normal” ???
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Yup. It is normal. Even after they have done all they have done, we are still concerned about them. You have to stop and let him step up and be a man, or don't. He has to face what is happening to him and that it is a direct result from HIS ACTIONS.
I am the same, huge support system, wonderful family, all sorts of things. He has his sister, that's about it, and she is sick of him. It's his own fault. Same deal, he could have been more involved, his choice. You are the only one he has because of his choices. You are just letting him make you feel that way, it's not reality.
The attorney will guide you through. Listen to them. Don't let your heart get in the way of your brain. Why are you obligated to speak to him at all about seeing an attorney? You don't have to say a word.
Myself, I spoke w/my X (did not listen to any of the quacking) all via text and email (and have saved every single one in case I need them). I advised him he had two choices. We could go for a divorce that we both agreed on everything in advance and then file. Or we could both retain attorneys and fight it out. I let him know if we did that, I would be using all evidence I have (and it's a lot) to go for an at fault divorce with supervised visitation if any and make him pay for as much as possible. He opted for the first choice. I drew all of what we agreed on into a document, we had it notorized, and then I took it to an attorney friend of mine(who is my attorney, not his), and we filed. We had to have the judge changed just recently b/c I know the other judge, but it should be final within a month. Very cut and dry.
He did tons of quacking and every time he would try to guilt me, I would put the focus back to the kids. I kept all emoations out of it, which was hard b/c I am bitter about a lot of stuff. Eventually he basically saw I would not participate in his craziness and he has reigned it in. Much better. He had to come to acceptance this was actually happening and that no matter what he said or did, nothing was going to change my mind.
He has moved 95% of his stuff out of the house. He still has a little bit of stuff there. I was all anxious to get it out but now not as much b/c I've broken my leg and everything just sort of came to a screaming halt at my house. That's ok too, he has a little more time to get it all out.
He is quite resentful of the help I get from family and friends, emoationally I mean. He resents that. He also resents that my family is helping me financially around my house with some renovations (he has already signed off on the house). I could not care less what he is resentful about.
Be strong. Keep the focus on the children and moving forward. Prepare to harden yourself against any guilt you may feel. You did nothing wrong, you know you should not feel guilty.
Big Hugs. PM me anytime, I truly understand what you are going through.
I am the same, huge support system, wonderful family, all sorts of things. He has his sister, that's about it, and she is sick of him. It's his own fault. Same deal, he could have been more involved, his choice. You are the only one he has because of his choices. You are just letting him make you feel that way, it's not reality.
The attorney will guide you through. Listen to them. Don't let your heart get in the way of your brain. Why are you obligated to speak to him at all about seeing an attorney? You don't have to say a word.
Myself, I spoke w/my X (did not listen to any of the quacking) all via text and email (and have saved every single one in case I need them). I advised him he had two choices. We could go for a divorce that we both agreed on everything in advance and then file. Or we could both retain attorneys and fight it out. I let him know if we did that, I would be using all evidence I have (and it's a lot) to go for an at fault divorce with supervised visitation if any and make him pay for as much as possible. He opted for the first choice. I drew all of what we agreed on into a document, we had it notorized, and then I took it to an attorney friend of mine(who is my attorney, not his), and we filed. We had to have the judge changed just recently b/c I know the other judge, but it should be final within a month. Very cut and dry.
He did tons of quacking and every time he would try to guilt me, I would put the focus back to the kids. I kept all emoations out of it, which was hard b/c I am bitter about a lot of stuff. Eventually he basically saw I would not participate in his craziness and he has reigned it in. Much better. He had to come to acceptance this was actually happening and that no matter what he said or did, nothing was going to change my mind.
He has moved 95% of his stuff out of the house. He still has a little bit of stuff there. I was all anxious to get it out but now not as much b/c I've broken my leg and everything just sort of came to a screaming halt at my house. That's ok too, he has a little more time to get it all out.
He is quite resentful of the help I get from family and friends, emoationally I mean. He resents that. He also resents that my family is helping me financially around my house with some renovations (he has already signed off on the house). I could not care less what he is resentful about.
Be strong. Keep the focus on the children and moving forward. Prepare to harden yourself against any guilt you may feel. You did nothing wrong, you know you should not feel guilty.
Big Hugs. PM me anytime, I truly understand what you are going through.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 6
Yes, it is normal to feel guilty. I had to divorce my Ex (for other reasons) and he also had nothing and alienated everyone (hated everyone). If I stayed I would have had nothing and no one left as well. You are doing the right thing.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Your initial consultation should be fact finding for the lawyer. Leave out the drama stories while you decide if you like the person and can trust them. It feels better not to air all the dirty laundry to a lawyer upon first meeting them too.
As your talk(s) progress you can share what you need to, and are comfortable with. Just like seeing a therapist but for a different aim.
He's put you in a tough enough place. You have enough stress without adding guilt!
As your talk(s) progress you can share what you need to, and are comfortable with. Just like seeing a therapist but for a different aim.
He's put you in a tough enough place. You have enough stress without adding guilt!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
I feel like I have to tell him when I get a lawyer because when it all hit the fan on June 11th he started accusing me of shafting him and taking his kids away and "screwing him over" and poisoning the kids against him, I went into damage control and told him I wasn't going to be like that, blah blah blah, we would communicate, of course I would never take his kids away...of course I'll tell you when I get a lawyer, we can use the same one, niether one of us has money, blah blah, I won't ask you for child support I know you can't afford it...don't worry... nicey nice.....my friend told me a few days ago -STOP TALKING. Stop telling him what you "will or won't do." Just stop.
We have that here too, where you can draw up an agreement and have the lawyer file it. And I was thinking the same thing - it's my way or I expose you and you can fight me but my (parents) pockets are bigger than yours.
hopeful your story sounds similar to mine. thanks so much for sharing - thanks to all of you...
We have that here too, where you can draw up an agreement and have the lawyer file it. And I was thinking the same thing - it's my way or I expose you and you can fight me but my (parents) pockets are bigger than yours.
hopeful your story sounds similar to mine. thanks so much for sharing - thanks to all of you...
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Originally Posted by meggem 
I feel like I have to tell him when I get a lawyer because when it all hit the fan on June 11th he started accusing me of shafting him and taking his kids away and "screwing him over" and poisoning the kids against him, I went into damage control and told him I wasn't going to be like that, blah blah blah, we would communicate, of course I would never take his kids away...of course I'll tell you when I get a lawyer, we can use the same one, niether one of us has money, blah blah, I won't ask you for child support I know you can't afford it...don't worry... nicey nice.....my friend told me a few days ago -STOP TALKING. Stop telling him what you "will or won't do." Just stop.
We have that here too, where you can draw up an agreement and have the lawyer file it. And I was thinking the same thing - it's my way or I expose you and you can fight me but my (parents) pockets are bigger than yours.
hopeful your story sounds similar to mine. thanks so much for sharing - thanks to all of you...
We have that here too, where you can draw up an agreement and have the lawyer file it. And I was thinking the same thing - it's my way or I expose you and you can fight me but my (parents) pockets are bigger than yours.
hopeful your story sounds similar to mine. thanks so much for sharing - thanks to all of you...
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 18
me too!
I am 38 and have seen the lawyer once, and will be seeing him soon to get things rolling. My husband does just the same- all this yammering and protesting and wanting to talk talk talk talk talk....but it leads to nothing. I notice that every time he and I talk, I have in my mind a scenario of how I THINK it will go, or how I THINK he might react...and every time he takes it a totally other direction that I never saw coming. I realized recently that I am anticipating his reactions to be SANE...and they never are. I need to start understanding that he will not respond in a typical, normal way.
Would an alcoholic father, who drove with kids drunk, has relapsed repeatedly, etc. be granted a lot in the way of custody, in the experience of those here? Part of me wants to really fight for all of it - legal and physical- but I don't know how hard that will be. Can others chip in with insights on the legal/physical issues?
Would an alcoholic father, who drove with kids drunk, has relapsed repeatedly, etc. be granted a lot in the way of custody, in the experience of those here? Part of me wants to really fight for all of it - legal and physical- but I don't know how hard that will be. Can others chip in with insights on the legal/physical issues?
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
sunny that is exactly how I am feeling. When he acts what I perceive as "normal" - I tend to fall for it, get into conversation and either 2 minutes in or 10 minutes in, he turns and twists and has the most bizarre ways of thinking and such distorted perceptions-- its mind boggling. And those are the "productive" conversations. These aren't the ones where he just unleashes from his first word.
It's starting to "normalize" the last 2 days. We are back to step 1. Where it is "normal" - it's messing with me definitely. But I keep looking back at his patterns and sticking with my decision. Sometimes he will even come to me rational and will agree with me and I think he's "got it" and then I realize he was just trying to get a different reaction out of me. Maybe he is thinking if he plays along with me it will be somewhat of reverse psychology? Or maybe he doesn't realize he's doing it at all?? I don't know but what i do know and I said this in a different post, right now I have choices. Next time I might not. hugs to you. and thank you all for your responses, they really give me strength.
It's starting to "normalize" the last 2 days. We are back to step 1. Where it is "normal" - it's messing with me definitely. But I keep looking back at his patterns and sticking with my decision. Sometimes he will even come to me rational and will agree with me and I think he's "got it" and then I realize he was just trying to get a different reaction out of me. Maybe he is thinking if he plays along with me it will be somewhat of reverse psychology? Or maybe he doesn't realize he's doing it at all?? I don't know but what i do know and I said this in a different post, right now I have choices. Next time I might not. hugs to you. and thank you all for your responses, they really give me strength.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Ah, the guilt that I was leaving him....I had that, too.
I did not have an attorney as there were no children and frankly, we were poor as church mice. I should also say that my husband, at the time, was not an alcoholic. Although I heard from his mother that he did drink alcoholically during and after the divorce so who knows?
Guilt is such a funny thing. My husband had an affair, he filed for divorce, he had an attorney, and yet I felt guilty - what a waste of my time and energy that was.
I did not have an attorney as there were no children and frankly, we were poor as church mice. I should also say that my husband, at the time, was not an alcoholic. Although I heard from his mother that he did drink alcoholically during and after the divorce so who knows?
Guilt is such a funny thing. My husband had an affair, he filed for divorce, he had an attorney, and yet I felt guilty - what a waste of my time and energy that was.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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meggem we invest a lot in a marriage, so making the decision to divorce is momentous, and we women seem hardwired for guilt. So quite normal to feel that way, but try not to let it influence you to make too many concessions. Your lawyer will guide you.
I agree with your friend, no need to talk, especially as he is showing alcohol induced distorted thinking.
I agree with your friend, no need to talk, especially as he is showing alcohol induced distorted thinking.
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