meggem

I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow and I am prepared to retain the lawyer if all goes “well” (whatever that means).

I feel like I can’t even articulate anymore. I used to be so different. I have been wanting to write and post the last few days but I just can find the words anymore. I read other posts and feel like I feel that way too but I can’t get out what I am thinking.

I’m on auto-pilot. Saving my tears for another day. Not now. I have too much to do and 2 little ones counting on me. I have a house to sell and a life to rebuild. I’m scared.

I am very anxious about what is going to be suggested of me tomorrow or what will happen next (I live in PA). What will we talk about?

I’m afraid to tell him I went to see a lawyer, afraid to say I didn’t and be caught lying. I just don’t know.

I don’t want to go overboard on the whole “being fair” thing but I also don’t want to jip myself either. I don’t want much from him, but he needs to provide something every month even if just a few hundred dollars. It’s not my problem he settled for alcohol instead of enhancing his life and his career over the last 7 years. He has nothing. Nothing. He alienated his parents (who would take him back but I don’t know if he would swallow his pride) – his extended family (has reasons for every one of them) his friends (they bailed on him too) – He has literally nowhere to go (unless he hangs his head in shame and goes back to his parents). And not a dime saved.

Me – I have a wonderful family and a wonderful support system that I have strengthened over the years with different activities that my 5 year old has been in (church, soccer, dance) while he stayed home and drank/slept promsing to complete said projects and completing nothing but a 12 pack or more.

Yet I still feel guilty. Like I am the only person he has and I am walking out on him. I am the only person he has and I am walking out on him.

Is this “normal” ???