imit

My husband has been sober for nearly 3 years. His anniversary is May 12. And he is still a liar. He lies when he says hello i'm X and i'm a alcoholic. He lies. He doesn't believe that he is REALLY an alcoholic. And then he lies at other times... Like when he say he love me. Or when he says "she's just a friend and i won't see her again." He is no longer drinking, but he is still lieing. He is no longer drinking, but he is still lieing and manipulating me. In his own words he is taking advantage of me.

I don't understand what to do. I want him to go away. His lies have cost me more than I can bare. But I have kids.. teenager.... and i don't want to hurt them. He is here... even tho I want him gone... even tho the sight of him hurts.

When is it ok for me to put me first?

Seasidegirllau

Happy mommy= Happy kids xxx i left my ex with my 2 young children, he didnt treat me bad or anything but i just was not in love with him. You have one life, dont waste it being unhappy. Make your decision and just do it, dont waste another moment dreaming about what you want to do, sort out what needs to be done to make this happen...and do it!! Life is way too short. Laura. xxx

fedup3

[QUOTE When is it ok for me to put me first?[/QUOTE]

NOW, but only you can do that. If you wait for your husband to give that to you you might be waiting a very long time. If he's an alcoholic he's doing what alcoholic's do. My X lied all the time even before he became an alcoholic so I understand the pain that lieing can do. I know this isn't the life you want for yourself and your family, please seek help for yourself, Al Anon, therapy, time away for some healing time for you.

NYCDoglvr

You certainly can leave and I'd start planning it today. Sounds like you and your children are inhabiting a wretched place and while you stay there, nothing will change. So many people on this forum have moved out and started new lives so I hope you ask for advice on the forum! God bless!

Katiekate

Hi imit, first a big hug :ghug3

I read your blog entry, honey, you get to put you first everyday. And it is time. Just like it's time for me.

It's okay to say enough is enough, slow as you go. There is no leaping but one foot in front of the other.

Maybe getting a counselor is a good first step. I'm going, tomorrow.

Please keep posting, there is so much support here and so much wisdom.

oxoxooxox

keepfinding2

I'm guessing there is more to this story.

dollydo

"Happy mommy= Happy kids"

That's it in a nutshell. Your children are teenagers they will understand. They know what is going on.

MsPINKAcres

"never let me imagine that my satisfaction with life depends on what someone else may do" ODAT in Al-Anon pg 234

In recovery I learned "if you want something different, you have to be willing to do something different"

According to your post - sober or not sober ~ life with your AH doesn't appear to be healthy ~ not saying you have to leave ~ just throwing out "food for thought" what can YOU do to make that life happier, healthier and more sanity for you & your teenager?

PINK HUGS & prayers for the very best,
Rita

SoaringSpirits

I hung in there with my husband for a long time. I did it for our kids. It was sucking the life out of me. One day I told my mom I planned to hang in there for another 8 years, until our youngest was 18. This woman, who has been married 50 years, looked surprised and said to me "Get out, NOW. By that time you will be so used up and miserable you will never recover." I was shocked. She was right. I separated from my husband and you know what? It has been tough on the kids but not as tough as them living with a miserable mom who never smiled, never laughed. It took all the courage I could muster, and I still feel incredible guilt about the kids, but I finally had to look at ME and how it was all affecting ME. And decided I could not take one more year of living with a plastic bag over my head.

Alanonic

Sounds like he is missing the Spiritualaity of the program..
A Liar is not an alcoholic and alcoholic is not always a liar. A liar, is a liar, is a liar.
Just because someone is sober dont mean they become angels.

ODAT63

When I was growing up I always wonder why my mom did not divorce my dad, they are still married (56 years), my kids wonder why I put up with their stepdad for so long (17 years), Why is it that we think our kids will "suffer" or be "devastated", they rather see us happy, I know I did and I know my kids Do.

imit

Thank you for your replies. Your advice requires bravery... and I don't have that.

Katiekate

Either did I. I am finding it.

Don't underestimate yourself.

Have faith!

marie1960

Your kids are also living your pain. They see how unhappy you are.

Fast forward 10 years, what advice would you offer your child, if that adult child was living the kind of life you are living today?

If it is change you need, set a plan in motion. Each day, do one thing to help you achieve that goal. It will not seem so overwhelming if you do it in small steps. Each step gets you closer, planning and organization reduces the stress and fear. It also allows it all to sink into your head.

Fear is replaced with a sense of self worth. To value our own life brings a sense of well being. It's your time to shine.

When is it ok to put yourself first? Right now, TODAY. And everyday that follows.

Sending positive thoughts and support your way.

theuncertainty

It's amazing just how that is.

The other day, we were watching TV and an ad came on for a new woman's razor, where a guy watches a woman walk by and smiles in appreciation of her beautiful legs. DS piped up, You need that Momma. Hmmm, why, sweeting? Because you should be married, a boy who will look at you like that.

At first I was dismayed - is he already objectifying women? Then I realized it wasn't the smiling at pretty legs that he was noticing, but the smiling at some one you like (I hope. ) and thinking that I deserved that.

They may have their own ideas on what will make us happy, but they definitely would prefer a parent who is happy (or at least content).

dollydo

"Your advice requires bravery... and I don't have that. "

What exactly are you afraid of?

Anappleaday

When is it ok for me to put me first?

You are already starting. The hardest part for me was admitting I had a problem with his problem. It took a while for me to realize I couldn't change him or solve his problem, so I started changing me. It really does work!

How did I do that? By reading books about alcholism, going to some alanon meetings and communicating with others. The support of other people helped tremendously.

You are stronger than you think you are.

FindingJoy

Read read and read some more.

MsPINKAcres

maybe you feel like you don't have bravery today, but little by little it will be there when you need it ~

It's not easy to change your life, but it's definitely worth it ~ YOU are worth it ~

after all - you were brave enough to find this site, brave enough to post, brave enough to share with us ~ brave enought to seek answers ~

Sounds very brave to me!!

One day at a time & look for what is the Next Right thing, don't allow the BIG BIG picture to overwhelm you!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

imit

thank you for your words of encouragement.....

i am honestly afraid of nearly everything right now... staying is scary.. leaving is scary.

but i have decided to start to do what i need to ... to get ready to split up.

i need to understand and control our finances... i make the money, but i haven't a clue of what our finances are...
i need to feel better about me... so to the gym and back to therapy i go...
i need to have friends... so i will start reaching out more.. making more plans...

i don't know how long it will take to be ready... but i'll do what i need to....

one step at time like Marie 1960 wrote....