feelingalone43

If we are all responsible for our own actions, why do so many alcoholics blame the fact that they were raised by alcoholics on their own drinking problems? Unless their parents forcefully poured that first beer down their throats, they shouldn't be able to blame them.

No matter what people around you are doing, you still have a CHOICE. Either drink alcohol, or don't. Make a decision, but know that it is a decision only you can make for yourself. Especially if you see what drinking does to a family, why would you want to do the same thing to yours?

I can understand to a point that some children think drinking is "normal" because that is what they see, but there comes a point when they know that it is not normal. That point most likely comes before they take that first drink.

I just don't get the blame-game.

angrywife

Part of their disease...if not for the parents they'd just find something or someone else to blame.

My own mother was addicted to benzodiazepines, I chose to be extra cautious about my use of alcohol/drugs because I knew I didn't want to go down that road. So yeah, we all have choices.

AntoinetteP

My mom chose not to drink (hardly, a glass of wine or two and I only saw her tipsy once in her life) because her parents were alcoholics. I chose not to have kids because (before a lot of therapy and when I was fertile) I knew I'd end up torturing them like my folks did me.

Yes, there's always a choice.

Windmills

Addiction is a massive blame game. My ex once stole £400 of my money and spent it on crack because 'Katie you're soo difficult to make conversation with.. You're always too busy with the baby to talk about things that are important to me!'
Can I add that the thing he was talking about.. Was a weird made up lie story to explain why he never came back after going to the shop for cigarettes the day before.

Seren

When we are children, it seems to me that we believe that whatever goes on in our own home is normal. So....if a child grows up around drinking--even excessive drinking--they may think every family is like that. That everyone acts that way.

That, and part of the alcoholism is the need to do whatever it takes to keep drinking. That includes lying to oneself and others in order to maintain the habit.

Deflection is big for some people who struggle with addiction, too. When confronted about his drinking or drug use by his father, my stepson would say things like "Well, I might drink but 'sister' does XYZ!" in an effort to take the heat off of his use. Of course, XYZ was a made-up fantasy about what his sister did.

dollydo

It is part of the disease, blame others and not take responsibility for their own actions.

Spes

That makes a lot of sense. Although I know why my AW started drinking, she, herself, does not blame anyone or her past for her drinking.

Feelingalone43 believes the alcoholic has a choice to stop. I am not disagreeing with that...it's just that sometimes I really wonder if my AW believes she has a choice. In those moments where she is reasonably lucid, we will talk about it but it seems to me that we are talking about asking her to quit breathing. She just can't do it.

I learned a lot after reading the book: "Under the Influence" and I probably need to go back and read it again.

I agree with what everyone has posted and while all us partners and ex-partners of alcoholics believe the alcoholic has a choice, I sometimes wonder if the alcoholic believes they have a choice. From what I have learned here at SR...what I believe is not relevant for the recovery of the alcoholic.

Good thread.....makes me think. Thank you all.

BuffaloGal

I was able to empathize with my aexh's drinking because I have OCD, and his alcohol intake seemed to have the same underlying dynamic. If you haven't experienced true compulsion, it is impossible to explain. It may look voluntary, but it is not. It makes no difference how badly you want to stop.

lillamy

I know there's significant arguing about whether or not there is a hereditary component to addiction, also. I don't take sides in that argument, but I can see an addict saying "my parents were addicts to that loaded me up with sh*tty odds" -- which may or may not be relevant.

As with everything that is a choice, however, that would be an explanation and not an excuse.

mattmathews

Interesting question. I read this today:

"I can never change or erase the facts of who I am and the gruesome inheritance I was given. As a survivor of an abused childhood, I am in many ways different from other people. I will always react differently from others and I will constantly struggle to fend off the programming I received so early on. A person who has had a limb severed can never grow it back like a lizard can, but can learn to live with it and find ways and devices to function normally. I can't grow back a normal childhood, and I can never regain that part of me that was denied and ripped away. Like the handicapped person, I must find tools and tricks to function normally."--Mel Ash, "The Zen of Recovery."

That quote reflects my experience as a victim of child abuse. I don't blame my actions on my parents, and I don't believe that being a victim defines who I am today. But it certainly informs who I am today. Did my experience as a child affect me? Absolutely. Did I ever use drugs or alcohol to numb my pain? Yep.

In my particular case, I'm here because I married an alcoholic (unknown to either of us at the time). But I'm very aware that "there, but for the grace of God, go I."

I do believe that we're all struggling in this life. And this may not be immediately obvious, but I also believe that we're all doing the best we can with the tools we have available. Maybe some of us do "blame" our actions on our past. Maybe, right now, that's the best we can do. Maybe tomorrow we'll do better. Progress, not perfection.

wicked

feelingalone43,

Hmm, I think I used to think it was my "destiny" to die an alcoholic, because that was a family tradition. The Army and alcohol destroying lives.
since I have found recovery, I take responsibility for everything I do.
So, maybe when I was actively drinking I tried to find any reason to drink, even that stupid melodrama about my destiny. LOL
Active drinker.....excuses galore, including blaming my parents.
Recovering drinker...I have the freedom of choice and the dignity to take responsibility for my choices.
Recovery is much better.

You have children living with you? And an active alcoholic? Does he blame his drinking on his parents? Or his past? No need to answer these feelingalone, I have two children addicted, one in recovery and one not. I hope you never have to deal with that.

Matt, thank you for your post. Progress not perfection.

Beth

feelingalone43

I am not questioning whether an active alcoholic has a choice on drinking or not drinking. My concern is that they blame others for picking up that first one. I didn't have the perfect childhood, but I have never abused my children because I would never want them to feel that insecurity and fear.

Every child of an abusive or addicted parent has the power to break the cycle, if they would just not do to others what was done to them. Try to remember all the hurt, fear, and sadness you went through as a child, and then make a commitment to never put your own loved ones through it. Maybe I'm simplifying it, but it does seem as if too many blame their actions on their upbringing. How many times have we seen a criminal-defense attorney try to use this in court? It just doesn't fly with me.

Adventure

Thank you for this Matt. From a very early age, all my husband knew was daily drinking in his home. As soon as he was old enough (he can't remember what age), he was strongly encouraged (and often forced as a teenager) to join in the daily drinking. It was all he knew, and his parents didn't abuse him in any other way, so he never saw it as anything other than normal. They liked a few drinks, it was as simple as that to him. I strongly believe that he learned his drinking habits and behaviours from his parents, and I also have an enormous amount of bitterness towards them because of it.

What I don't do is blame them for the fact that he continues to drink now - he is a grown man who has had all his options spelt out to him, and chooses to bury his head in the sand and continue on his path to self-destruction. So yes, I believe that their behaviours all his life are partly responsible for how he became the alcoholic he is today, but ultimately they no longer force him to drink - that is all down to him.